Please convince me that he's never coming back?

[Anonymous]

I'm probably going to cry when I read the responses, but I need a SERIOUS reality check. Here's my original story: link

Since then, I've been a complete wreck.

For the first few weeks, I sent him an apology card, email, called a few times, and met up with him again. We've talked and each time he's said (nicely) that it's over. The last time we talked he said he evaluated the relationship: he misses me dearly but just doesn't think we are right for each other. He concluded this from disagreements we had before the breakup. He also said that he fell out of love months ago. (This is the same guy who was saying "I love you" up until break up day.) Is this true?

After that final talk, I was upset since he had kept these thoughts from me during our relationship. I emailed him calling him out for something he did in June (long story) and asking him to continue removing pictures of me from his website (which he initiated weeks earlier). That spurred him to throw away everything in his apartment that reminded him of me, including photos we took together, etc. Days later, I asked him to mail me my belongings. (I mailed his stuff back already.) He didn't respond so I texted, no response, so another email. He eventually mailed the stuff with a note saying he threw away most of my belongings already.

Anyway, since then, I've stopped contacting him. It's clear he wants nothing to do with me right now. However, I can't get it out of my head that he'll come around in a few months or a year. Months ago he said I had stolen his heart, he's the luckiest man, he'd be there through the good times and bad, we'd be together forever, etc. We had plans well into next summer. This was his longest, most loving relationship (according to him). He was crying each time we talked after the breakup. I just feel like if I leave him alone, he'll come around. I don't buy his conclusion that we're not right for each other and that he fell out of love. I think he's just hurt about what I did and time will hopefully heal him and bring him back.

Please give me a REALITY CHECK. I accept that this is over right now, but convince me that it's over FOR GOOD? I SERIOUSLY need a reality check.

Updates

+1 y

Thanks for your responses.

[Littletad]

This almost exact same thing happened with me and my ex. She was also the one who cheated on me and we tried for almost a year trying to get back with each other, but both of us held onto our pride, and I was too stubborn to forget what she did. Honestly, some things you just can't fix.

She did everything after the breakup. Tried to get more and more friends, hanging out with whoever she could, joining clubs and such. She wanted to forget me, but she secretly couldn't.

Two years later, I was fed up with my pride, and I called her to tell her I wanted her back. But before I could say those words, she told me she was getting married. A businessman had kept pursuing her for months, but she kept on to her feelings for me. But I was too late. And she ended up marrying him, and me never revealing that I never truly lost my feelings.

Does this mean that this exact same thing will happen with your ex boyfriend? I don't know. I honestly don't think it will work. Since he's threw away your belongings and he's still hurt. If you were to get back together he might be a completely different person. Someone who feels you have to make up for everything. And that's never a good thing.

Please try your hardest to get over the past, otherwise it will eat you from inside. Like it has mine.

[meplusabeemer]

Reality check: It is over. He won't be back or reconciling. You're doing the right thing by ceasing all contact.

I know the pain is unbearable and you don't think you will ever get past it. I read your first post and this one. You did nothing wrong, I think you made a hasty decision but you're human. He held something against you when he shouldn't have because you both were broken up. If there was true love there then he should have attempted to overlook this and focus on reconciling. Furthermore, he didn't recognize that you were honest about it and didn't hide it. That took courage and a great deal of maturity.

I have gone through 2 very very painful break ups and I didn't think I would ever heal. I allowed myself to cry, be angry, miserable, wallow in self pity, lay in bed all day etc. I took things day by day and leaned on family and friends. It will take time and I wish I could advise you of a magic formula to get past this but I can't.

I wish you all the best.

[Annette83]

Here's your reality check: you are not doing anything wrong. It is natural to feel sad about a break-up. You will feel better eventually, either because he will change his mind or because you will move on. In the meantime, all you can do is keep yourself busy so that you don't dwell on things and feel depressed. Go and join a club and meet new people. Maybe take up a team sport so that you are meeting people and getting some exercise to help you feel better.

Here's another reality check: you were broken up when you slept with the other guy. Stop beating yourself up. Your boyfriend should have valued your relationship too much to break up with you if he didn't mean it.

You have made the right decision to stop contacting him. Now you need to keep yourself busy so that you are not obsessing about this. Good luck!

[Similipoulette]

I know it's hard but what you need to do is really focus on yourself. Go out with your friends, meet new people, find new activities to do, and do all that for you. If you're not ready to have a relationship with someone else then don't, but for now focus on you.

You can't force him to take you back if he doesn't want to. He may change his mind one day but you can't hang on to that because it most likely won't happen.

So be selfish, focus on you for now. Do stuff you want to do, talk with your friends, and when you do all that try not to talk about your ex or think about him. The more you do that, the better you'll feel, it'll take time to heal but it's the only way to get over it.

[jabrianstars]

If he threw most of your belongings away that is a clear sign that it is over because he's not holding onto something, to try to get you to continue speaking to him. I'd say 9XS out of 10 it's over. I don't buy the bologna about saying he fell out of love with you, though just because you two broke-up he can't change his feelings overnight. I think he will always love you but for whatever his reasons are. He just isn't interested anymore. I would let it go because if you two start the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, it won't be healthy for either one of you. Hope my answer did'nt hurt you too bad.

[mpwilke]

What did you do, or think you did? I had a guy fall out of love with me. It has been a month and I'm still miserable. Sometimes I think I'm over him, but other times I'm miserable again. I don't know what is going to happen. I'm still waiting, and trying to move on at the same time. He also cried during our break up.

Now that I think about it, a few months before, I had tried to break up with him, and also cried during it, but we worked through things, and he talked me out of it. It's just too bad I couldn't talk him out of not breaking up with me this time.

He's deleted his Facebook. I'm not going to call him, and he probably knows this because I was never a big phone person (I'm going to always call you) type of girl in the beginning. I'm stronger then that even if not calling makes me miserable. I deserve better, and so you do you.