Clingy vs. Distant? No half and half.

[Brendi87]

In the beginning of my last relationship, he was clingy while I was distant. Then towards the end, the roles were switched. He stopped being affectionate and I craved it more. Neither of us wanted to change our ways because this was actually who we were; me: clingy, him: distant.

Be honest, which one are you? If you had to choose, would you prefer being with a clingy or distant person? And why?

[Kittykatt220214]

I prefer distant. I'm a distant person myself, I can tell someone how I feel and assure them through actions, yet not be connected at the hip with them. I've been seeing this guy for about 7 months now, we any in a relationship, but we see only each other and it's about once a week maybe. Occasionally we can squeeze in 2 days bc we both work alot. We talk when we get the chance and we still do our own thing with out each ither. It's been fantastic, we cuddle and share thoughts and stuff about life but we don't drown each other in constant attention. Clingy people scare me, I've been there before and relationships have ruined me bc all of them made me feel trapped an as if I was losing my identity as a individual. I don't look for men or relationships to validate myself though. I enjoy life, I do the things I love when I get the chance and do the things I don't so much like, because I have too but I'm positive and happy with myself and I think that makes a big difference. I've been clingy before, but we both were it was our first time to ever be in love and things haven't been the same since. I can love deeply yet let someone be their own person too. And I think that's most important.

[toulouse]

I like space, I tend to go off by myself to think to wrk, to plan etc. I think if I'm with someone who wants space. That would make perfect sense to me, & then I would feel obligated to essentially never see them. I think I would be better with someone who would give me a little push. Someone who thinks, that , seeing someone once ot twice a month is not enough, otherwise that is what will happen. Because to me once a month is fine, if I feel connected to them. And maybe that is 'enough' but I might find out it can be even better, with a little more time. And if I think he wants space too, ill be sure to give him space, out of respect. Well never see each other.

[Brendi87]

Yeah two distant people might never come together, and wonder what happened. I stop trying when I see the other person stop trying. From my experience, the more I reached out to them, the more annoyed they got; so, I stayed back. There's not enough communication so it's hard for friendships or relationships like that to work out. I feel free to be clingy when someone is clingy, but can and will give them space when needed and let them know when I need mine. There has to be mutual respect.

[toulouse]

I agre about mutual respect. thing is I will on my own interpret respect as distance. whether that's what they want or not. so I need someone who is more comfortable about a connection., If your going to be distant no pint in a relationship, I've just got all sorts of distorted views agains 'love' I'm letting go of.

anyways if you are 'clingy' it is not wrong, its only not good if you are with someone who is distant, vice versa,

People should stop trying to change each other & find someone more compatible.

[queenofpeen]

It depends on the qualities of clingy and distant.

In my mind, clingy: Wants to be around you 24/7, gets really upset when you don't return a text right away, is extremely affectionate, gets jealous easily

And distant: Needs lots of space and alone time, takes a while to return texts, isn't very affectionate, is apathetic when it comes to jealousy

If I had to choose, I'd rather have distant. I value my alone time and I hate feeling smothered.

[Brendi87]

I've only met girls that wanted to be around me 24/7. More guys get upset when I don't text quickly. I can be quite the affection whore. I squeeze lol. I don't get jealous without reason, and guys get jealous when someone looks at me. I know both girls and guys who need plenty of space or just don't like me, and I'm like OK. I've met guys who go from completely distant to clingy, but that's when they notice I'm not interested anymore and want to get my attention. Very odd and slight turn-off.

[PatrickRory]

Im pretty distant from everyone in my life,I find it easier for me to get along when I am more distant. Iv always been reserved and quiet and always wanting that self sufficiency and freedom, I don't cling to people for gratification because I look inwards towards myself for happiness. Though this is mostly true it is not entirely, when I love someone or really take a liking to them I try to get to know that person as much as I can. Iv been with a clingy girl before and I enjoyed that more because she wasn't crazy number 1 and number 2 it made me feel good that I could make someone else feel so good. Id rather be with a clingy girl rather then a distant one...having two people that are distant from each other in a relationship...HA. might as well live in different countries then.

[Brendi87]

Looking inside yourself for happiness is great. That's what we all should do. I guess I didn't know how to do that because I enjoyed a person's company so much. I felt that they were the reason I was happy, but lesson learned and I like my personal space just as much =) I used to miss people when they would come into my house and then leave (it's like they leave their presence behind, it's a memory I held onto since I was a child) that's why I prefer hanging anywhere but my place.

[themastaplan]

its good to be affectionate and SHOW that you care...BUT at the same time space is needed for SURE! you can't be down each others necks 24/7...just beacuse someone doesn't pick up the phone or respond right away shouldn't mean they aren't worth trusting...

space gives you both time to realize that the time spent together is precious...too much space will destroy you tho because it will lead one or both to believe the other doesn't care as much...

anyways, don't be clingy, be affectionate...dont get TOO distant, but go out with your friends now and then, you need that time too!

be together as much as possible, but not too much where yorue going to get sick of one another over the smallest things

hope this helps, GL

[Brendi87]

Yes, it did help. I felt like my ex was getting too distant, and I was afraid I was going to lose him if I wasn't already. I didn't have that many friends so that became a problem, but now I'm dedicating my single time to myself, my friends, my responsibilities, and I'm sure someone worth my time will come around. Yeah, being together too much causes loads of arguments. Not fun.

[yagurlnira768]

I am a Distant person. I like my space. But at the same time I won't say I want a distant guy...because the relationship would be too far apart. Like if was a doctor...and had work all the time, and I wanted space...it would be ridiculous. We would need to break up...because it seems we aren't together already.

But If he is clingy...I would still hate that. I wouldn't want a guy all over me...stalking me all the time. I would literally freak out. If he is clingy and has an understanding of my need for some distance then I could pick the clingy. But if he can't we break up. For both of these situations...I will pick a clingy guy.

[blufrenzy93]

I'm a distant person. I've never been the type of girl to wear her heart on her sleeve and crave affection 24/7. I believe in having a life when it comes to relationship. We don't need to be attached at the hip. I do love spending time with a guy I'm dating or boyfriend...but I don't overdo it.

[Brendi87]

I envy you.

[blufrenzy93]

lol (:

[ZenQueen]

Distant forsure! I deffiantley like my space. My ex and I were both this way and talked about if we were ever married we would sleep in separate rooms and have "visits" ever now and then. I hate the responsiblity of making someone happy. I think couples should work off each other and not be dependent on one another. I refuse to text throughout the day, one or two phone calls and that's good enough for me. Though I like my space, I also like to see the person alot, if we live close, then at least once every three days, same with my friends, but that's just because I'm social, not necessary attached to them.

[Brendi87]

I can understand that 'cause people want to sleep alone, not have their partner near them, or asking for sex if they're tired or not in the mood. Yeah, making someone happy is too much pressure. Texting throughout the day is a biotch when it comes to a guy. It's like pick up the phone. I don't have time to waste on a text. Once every 3 days sounds good. I don't see my "best" friend in months. She's very distant, and won't meet me unless it's with her boyfriend or someone else. Very annoying.

[ZenQueen]

you don't sound clingy! That's not very nice of your friend.. it sounds like she feels you're not worth her time:/

[Brendi87]

Aww thanks, good to know. My sister kept mentioning I was; and I was, just not to the extreme. I know not to call a guy more than once (unless he asked me to) and show up at his house uninvited lol. I prefer someone's presence over texting and calling, but some people are busy. Yeah, she only comes around when he's out of the picture. Next time it happens, she won't find me just so she can learn her lesson and to grow on her own. I was a little upset, but that's why I have other friends =)

[madmisskelly]

Im not clingy anymore. It depends on the person. to someone who is normally clingy, I would be distant. To someone who is distant I would be clingy.

I dated a guy who was very distant who never complimented me, then along came a guy who was way in the other extreme and it was too much, so that wasn't good either.

[Brendi87]

Interesting analysis. If the guy is distant, I'm automatically clingy, but if he's clingy upfront, I will be distant. I want to say I rather them clingy, but only if they can accept giving me space. I don't want a guy who thinks he can own me. We don't want someone who won't compliment us (type insecure) but also we don't want someone who compliments every second (type fake). We want someone who can pay us a compliment when he genuinely wants to give it. Those are rare, but are out there.

[madmisskelly]

I actually think the guy who is complimenting us every second is insecure and needing attention and reassurance. It gets annoying and smothering. So, I would rather someone start out as distant, because I can bring it out of him, without him getting offended or hurt. Telling a clingy guy to cool it crushes the guy. I've just had to kick a clingy guy to the curb, becuase I only knew him 3 days and he was just too much. Clingy-ness is just annoying.

[Brendi87]

Yeah, clingy too quick is creepy.

[Catie101]

clingy because at least you can get close to someone that way. you can't if you are shutting them out of your life and being cold and distant towards them. I would never feel satisfied if I never allowed myself to be vulnerable.

[Brendi87]

Nice answer. I feel like a distant person likes to keep to themselves while a clingy one likes to be around others.

[Catie101]

yes or at least clingy towards the one you love. you let them into your heart and you get to know them better if you allow them into your life. being distant seems cold and closed off and you can't get even remotely close to someone if they are unwilling to be with you for longer periods of time.

[Brendi87]

The worst part is knowing you can't change them. I've had clingy friends who I wish were distant lol and distant ones I wish were close. Clingy can express themselves while you listen and distant feel they shouldn't while you talk. I'm sure they have someone else they are vulnerable with, but it sucks when it isn't you. I want to be that girl that her friends and boyfriend can talk to, but then it makes me feel that the only way it will happen is if I act distant. Opposites attract :-\

[Catie101]

very true

[Shaun]

Exactly.

[Butterfly_kisses09]

I would choose clingy. I like feeling wanted and like I mean a lot to him so he wants to be around me all the time. In my relationships where the guy was distant, it didn't work out because I hate being alone all the time, not feeling important or cared for. So I feel like if he was clingy, it would work out better. Although my boyfriend is in between so it works out fine. Lol

[Blobb]

It's because they want that to make it well for them in forsight of backltracking the clingyness liposuction for explame leeme show you see if a dude likes a gil what when she like him then clingy the girl makes us very becoming like when head girth is lage a bit like when fish is like equal to it like for what it was used for in the first place for me her his blue like it was no? of it because that makes is all become a codependancy trim in that we like it but then it's just hard you know?

[marijoanna]

i completely agree with this statement.

[Standingpretty]

I would say I fall more towards the clingy side in general but lately I have been distant (physically speaking, I work too much to be as clingy as usual). I would say my fiance is more distant than clingy, although sometimes he can be clingy. I don't know why half and half isn't an answer because I feel that most people fall in that catagory.

[Brendi87]

I think when times get rough, it's not half and half. It's either you're clingy and you want to reach for someone, or you're distant and want to handle it on your own. When people are taking care of their responsibilities and putting themselves ahead of others, sure, that can be considered distant. It's nice to know when they can sacrifice or rearrange their schedule like instead of going to the gym at that specific time can go another time. Distant people can't or more like won't do that.

[Standingpretty]

That's an interesting way to see it. I don't think focusing on responabilities necessarily makes you clingy though. I work a lot but I still want to be with my partner most of the time when I get home. It's killing me that I don't live with him :(

[Brendi87]

Aww, I'm sorry. I used to be that way, too. Like nothing brought me more happiness than being with him, but do things that make you happy, and you won't miss him so much. Living together seems cool, but it's no picnic from the stories I've heard.

[Standingpretty]

Yah, it's going to be hard work. But hopefully saving up and my planning will make it easier.

[petertatts]

i would go for a distant person cause I'm young and I don't want to be under the thumb and probably a girl would have to train me to get into a relationship as I haven't really had one. Been too much of a nice guy all the time and had listened to women lol

[Brendi87]

I understand. That's good that you know what you want. So, you would have to be with an experienced girl who wanted to be in a relationship but not a committed one.

[petertatts]

yes, her biggest challenge would be to make me committ to that relationship and then to keep me in the relationship :)

[IMAQT]

Dear Brendl87,

I would chose distant.

Why?

A clingy person is what I hate most, I can't stand clingy guys at all, I would go for distant (even though its nice to show you care once in a while)

A clingy guy would call too much, care too much, get jealous too much, expects too much, too much for me -.-

Sincerely,

IMAQT xx

[Brendi87]

There's different levels of clinginess but I've told certain clingy people to stop coming at me so hard, and they've learned while others continue 'cause not enough people tell them or they have no filter. It goes in one ear and out the other.

[IMAQT]

I unfortunately have had bad experience with clingy guys :[ therefore I refuse to date anyone who's clingy. None of the guys actually listened to me.. it went through one ear and out the other :[

[Brendi87]

I thought a listener was important, too, but even a good listener gets tired of listening. Sometimes it's not even that they don't listen, it's that they're stubborn or in denial.

[IMAQT]

In my case, most seem like the desperate needy type, they would listen to me, but not when I say their the ones that are bothering me, or I need some space, In other words (like you said) stubborn or in denial.

[Anonymous]

if you are BOTH truly in love, I don`t think there should be word called ``clingy`` in your dictionary.

when you are in love, you want to be with the person most of the time.

how can you have a real ``Relationship`` with a distant person?

[Brendi87]

I thought about that, too. I would deem someone clingy if I wasn't that interested in them, and they kept trying to reach out to me in a selfish way forgetting that just because I'm single doesn't mean I have plenty of time to give.

[luckyvegas]

im normally a distant person... until the guy says he loves me then I actually become clingy, its weird... and I would rather have a distant person, because they understand how girls need a life outside of boyfriends and let them go have fun (as long as they aren't doin anything stupid).

[AmberChick]

I am usually distant. However, I have been known to be clingy sometimes? Balance, balance, balance... Most important so you're not one thing or the other. It's not good to be 100% of either.

[foolycooly1001]

I don't use the word "clingy." I wouldn't waste my time with someone who doesn't want to spend time with me. If you don't want to see me everyday and be affectionate everyday, you simply are not as interested in me as I am in you.

[Brendi87]

Everyday really? Have you ever tried that? Being with someone everyday; someone's bound to start an argument. I used to think a best friend is one who calls me everyday, but I never got that so I stopped hoping. I set my expectations a bit lower to a few times a week, then once a week, then every other week, then once a month. As long as you trust that person won't leave (although it seems like it 'cause you feel the distance), you'll be fine. It only gives me reason to find more friends.

[foolycooly1001]

how can you plan to get married if you can't even be together everyday.

[Brendi87]

The time will come for that. The majority of people in their teens or 20s rarely think about marriage with the person they're in a relationship with. They think about having fun, getting to know people. And being around each other doesn't necessarily mean giving each other attention while in the same room. It's OK to be together physically yet do things separately. Like one person is reading while the other person is checking their e-mail.

[foolycooly1001]

Uh I have no intention of being in a relationship that I think is going to end.

[foolycooly1001]

I don't see the point of what you're saying about being around each other or how it's relevant.

[SnackG]

I'll take clingy, because I'm desperate and crave attention from a girl.

[Brendi87]

Would it scare you at all? What if she more clingy than you; would you be annoyed?

[SnackG]

If she wants me 24/7 I'd be annoyed and scared. lol If it's a normal clingy then more than me is ok.

[Brendi87]

Oh OK, good answer. Girls have a tendency of scaring the crap out of people lol, and some guys, too. If the feeling isn't mutual, I think it's scary.

[SnackG]

I don't view clingy like other people do either. I view it as above average attention seeking from a bf/gf, but not extreme. Most people think of it like queenofpeen described.

[Brendi87]

True, everyone has a different opinion of it, and I believe there's different levels. Some people may give up their responsibilties for a day just to be with that person while others make time around their schedule. The people that don't put an effort is who I deem distant. It's like yeah, we get it, you're busy but not busy to talk to others. My ex put his friends first. My homegirl her boyfriend. That's where my jealousy comes in; if someone is getting their full attention and they forget about me.

[cherryberrybabe]

hmmm... honestly probably clingy. Not too clingy but I don't feel wanted and there seems to be more problems when he's distant.

[jenny1989]

i really hate clingy people. they should be able to take a hint. I spend most of my time trying to blow people off as nice as possible. distant seems a lot more dignified.

[keerstin]

neither is good it should be somewhere in the middle clingy if need be but definitely give each other room to breathe it should always be a little of both

[AmberAmazes]

I differentiate but I'd rather be the distant person because I like to be the one he's scared to lose not that I wouldn't care for him either.i just don't like vulnerability.

[Brendi87]

Yeah, I want feel what it's like to to be on the other side of the coin for a change.

[Cailleach]

I am 100% distant. I would prefer a 100% distant person. Clingy people irritate, annoy and suffocate me.