GIRLS, is being indifferent to you such a turn-on? I'm sick and tired of this...

[Anonymous]

Ok. From I what I had initially gathered on this site, numerous female posters stated the following:

"If a guy ignores me, or is indifferent to me -> he's not interested -> forget it"

But what continually happens to me in my personal experience is:

Indifference = hot = WANT

Without exception, that's exactly how it's been for me. I actually realized this by accident, on occasions where I failed to acknowledge female attention because I was distracted or busy with something else. On such occasions, I thought to myself "damn, I missed my chance, this sucks". But instead I got 1000x better results. Let me stress this particular point: the difference really is like night and day. In all honesty, I actually thought these girls were bipolar or something, because it was such a wild turn in their attitude and disposition towards me. Needless to say, I was tremendously confused at first. A while later I started to see the pattern, and it's really depressing.

I've come to the conclusion that showing interest is mostly a turn-off for women. That only a minimal amount of attention must be given to them in order to yield positive results. With this knowledge, however, another question appears: do women have to be tricked into a relationship? Is that how it works?

Help me. Right now I'm facing a very bleak mindset on this matter, and cannot find one single woman -- regardless of age, background or lifestyle -- who actually appreciates honesty and transparency.

Updates

+1 y

Many posters have been asking what is my general attitude towards these women, to warrant such a reaction from them. This is what I do at first: show that I'm happy to see her, make some conversation if she seems willing, joke a bit, etc. Always easygoing and respecting her space, but showing interest in who she is and her life. I won't ask too many questions or act overbearing, just let things flow naturally.

Updates

+1 y

A few days later or the next week, I meet her again and greet her. She gives me the cold shoulder. On a different day after that I try to disregard the last occasion and just be myself, smile at her and ask her how she's doing. She's still acting cold towards me. Finally I resort to the "ignore the bitch" modus operandi. Then she starts seeking me out, being extra nice to me, joking, smiling all the time, laughing at anything I say, showing willingness to do stuff together, the whole she-bang.

[landingsight]

There's a line between deliberate indifference or ignorance and the non-deliberate variety. I think what we're talking about when we say "If he ignores me, I'll give up on him" is the deliberate version.

Let me clarify a little bit. If I call a male friend a few times, intending to meet up with him, and he ignores my calls and never acknowledges that I wanted his attention or why he was ignoring me, that would irritate me and turn me off. I would have to assume that he didn't acknowledge me because he didn't care about me.

However, if I call and get contacted sometime later saying "I'm sorry I missed you, I was busy taking boxing lessons/racing go-karts/finishing up a project at work," that's not a bad thing. I didn't get through immediately, but I learned that he's respectful enough to acknowledge me and that he has a life and interests of his own. I find people who lead independent, full lives interesting and attractive. Most people seem to be with me on that point.

Moral of the story? Don't deliberately ignore people that are interested in you (unless you're trying to get rid of them, of course). Lead a full life and make every effort to be interesting in your own right instead.

Also, re: showing interest is a turn-off, I find there's a fine line between "showing interest" and "being clingy/creepy". The problem is that where that line lies is hard to define and is heavily determined by the woman in question's personal boundaries. Advice telling you not to show too much interest (or as little as possible) is likely trying to make you avoid overstepping your bounds in that territory.

[Asker]

I think that misses the point a bit; I can have a life of my own (and I do) with my activities and whatnot -- but regardless of that, if I don't "starve" a woman of my attention, she loses interest.

Also, would you consider smiling and being communicative as "creepy"? Or clingy? I'm absolutely positive that I'm not overstepping that limit. To illustrate, on a 1-10 scale, with 10 being asking out the girl, it is only when I keep to 1-3 (which barely qualifies as tolerating the person) that...

[Asker]

they act like they want my attention. It's only when I diminish my attention quota to that pitiful amount that they start being nice, seeking me out, joking, wanting to do stuff together.

[DishLady]

Well, what happens is not necessarily that they think you're hot, but they wonder why you don't think *they're* hot. You're indifferent, so they start digging to find out why that would be. They're not bipolar, they're trying to figure out what caused the indifference.

I see this with guys too. There was a person who kept saying "Hi" to me and I ignored him. I was not interested. Instead of leaving me alone, he kept saying "Hi" -- a little more loudly every time, coming back to the font desk to shuffle papers around until I finally said "Hi" back to him. Once I did that, he sat back and smiled, looking very happy with himself.

First thing to do is BREATHE. Not everyone is like that. No, girls DON'T want guys to be indifferent to them. Some people just have such large egos that they can't imagine anyone would WANT to be indifferent to them. Don't fall into the trap of indifference; you'll ultimately lose your ability to love or feel things deeply.

Silver lining? There are plenty of women who WANT and CHERISH honesty and transparency. We're just looking for the person willing to offer it back at us.

[Asker]

Inflated egos, huh. Makes sense. Are these the majority of women, though? Because that is certainly my impression...

You are very optmistic, though. Thanks for the kind words.

[DishLady]

I don't know that I can speak for ALL women -- that's a lot of people, lol! Most times you can pretty much pick them out, though. Snooty and very happy with themselves, won't give most people the time of day... Ego is pretty easy to spot.

[OptimusPrime2017]

I've already been indifferent. Sick of the dating scenario so I choose to keep my distance whether out of respect or just to avoid a potential misunderstanding. Out of the need for self preservation.

[heavenonearth]

Not really. If he's indifferent towards me, like detached from our conversation, barely friendly, and acting like he has no real interest in anything about me, then my reaction is to stop giving him attention and just remain polite. At that point I feel like we haven't made any kind of connection, and despite the fact that he might be good-looking, he's no longer as attractive to me. What I love is when you "click" with someone, they care about who you are, and you can tell they enjoy spending time with you. It's so much more fun that way, and it's a sign that the relationship will probably be more meaningful too.

I understand the whole "you want what you can't have" thing that indifference inspires in people, but I mean, I have standards too. I wouldn't chase after a guy who ignores me, I'd find one who's more responsive.

Besides, acting indifferent starts all these games and miscommunication between people, and that's not something I want to be involved in. Maybe some women are cool with it, but I need consistency and honesty, or I'll get hurt/frustrated from "playing it wrong" or something.

[moloz]

Actually, it's a little more complex than that. Ignoring 100% doesn't do it. The principle is simple: you give her LESS attention and over time, if she likes you, she will crave for more.

[heavenonearth]

I get that, but from what he says it sounds like he's thinking about giving a very minimal amount of attention, and I don't think that's going to serve him well in the long run.

[moloz]

I saw that as well, maybe he just doesn't know the limits...

[heavenonearth]

Yeah, perhaps. I think he should clarify how much attention, maybe through examples or something. I could answer better that way.

[christian2724]

Women don't know what the hell they want. Or better yet... they want EVERYTHING. They're used to attention coming to them easily. So if you're Mr Easy - you'll bore them. It's a careful balance. You should act somewhat interested. But if you chase too hard they'll flee for the hills. That's why you see girls overuse the terms "clingy" and "stalker". They don't even know what a real stalker is. If you're not so simple to figure out girls will notice and take interest. You'll stand out.

Women don't even realize they do this.

This is only true for attractive women. If you see a girl who is unattractive, or average with major self-esteem issue... chances are you can treat them like a man. They'll be straight forward with you and you won't need to play bullsh*t games.

[Asker]

I'd change your "somewhat interested" to "mildly interested", actually...

IMO, not only too much attention drives them away; a normal amount of attention is also a turn-off...

[christian2724]

Yeah, I think so. That's why you see girls obsessed with the really handsome jocks who get all the girls. They give them just the amount of attention to keep their interest - very little. Because they have so many other girls. Every other question is about that kinda scenario. Girls self sabotage.

[reallyconfused25]

Well, I'm not trying to confuse you any further, but you should realize that everyone might not be dismissing you for the same reason. For example, up until a year ago I never got noticed. Guys would only approach me as more than a friend when they wanted they wanted to look good to my gorgeous female friends. So, when a guy began making advances a couple years ago, at first I blew him off because I just assumed he wanted something from me and then later I did so because I was so frightened

[christian2724]

Glad it worked out for you QA. As a general rule... start out warm with people and if they treat you cold - do the same right back to them. I want a girl who's interested in me, and I'm sure you do too. It sucks she's the type you have to play around with but maybe after she gets to know you she'll let you act genuine around her.

[Radiohead200]

Let me ask you this.

Would you want a women who is fickle and only wants what they don't have? Of course not.

Do you think that this mentality is healthy for a relationship? Of course not.

I certainly would not want to be with someone who gets less attracted to me the more time I spend with her (as long as you don't stalk her haha).

I think the correct mentality to have is to LIVE your life as you would, and don't base it around womens' responses to you. I think it is possible you may persue a little too much and too "excitedly", which does turn women off (and would turn men off as well). That's why I say live your life for improving yourself, and the rest should fall in place.

[Asker]

You are right, I don't want a woman with that mentality. What's depressing is that I've never met any exceptions to this. The relationships I've had didn't last long, and they were attracted to me because I didn't care about them at first. You put it perfectly: they were less attracted to me the more time I spent with them.

However, it's certainly not because of over-eagerness on my part. Of this I am 100% sure. In fact it doesn't even qualify as chasing, it's more like casual, brief contact.

[Asker]

What really aggravates me is this: when I decide to go into "ignore the bitch" mode, they suddenly are all smiles and lollipops with me. I'll say...

[Radiohead200]

Are you sure EVERY women is like that? How many women have you interacted with?

If it has only been a few, maybe you just have a string of bad luck and have gotten a lot of bimbos.

If it has been a consistent thing for a long time then I would say it is probably a combination of how American women are and something that you are doing wrong.

Approach 10 women and all of them reject you - it may not be you

Approach 100 women and they all reject you, its probably something you need to work on

[Asker]

I could divide the women I've been interested in 2 groups, I suppose. One, the ones who clearly disliked me from the outset, or rejected me; these were coherent, at least. Two, those who displayed some interest at first, then switched to standoffish. For these, when I was in college, I would start giving them the cold shoulder, which in turn got their interest back and we made out. Sometimes a brief relationship would ensue, but none lasted.

[Asker]

Recently, however, when I say f*ck it and resort to being indifferent, even if it works it's so underwhelming and dissapointing. All I can think is "why do you have to be like this?". It's depressing.

[b_luvedbaby]

I've been in 2 serious relationships in my adult life. Neither guy acted indifferent towards me or flat out ignored me. It was easy, we were attracted to each other > we got to know each other > we started dating.

This problem that some guys seem to be having with women being more into a guy that ignores her if baffling to me. I guess it's a game, but shouldn't we have stopped playing games when we left high school?

[Asker]

I'd love to meet such a woman who dismisses these games. So far I've had no luck, though. I'm glad there are still women like yourself out there.

[DishLady]

I think this particular girl is either "just weird" or perhaps that something was going on with her. It's not necessarily about you.

Try as much as possible to maintain that positive attitude -- not TOO outgoing, but balanced, awaiting reciprocation from the girl. It will work out in the end. I know it's hard to do, but you just have to trust in yourself, in your positive values, etc. If a girl gives you the could shoulder then turns ON like a light when you show you don't want her, she's into games, which ends up breaking people's hearts completely. Better a bit of bruised ego at the start than a shattered heart later on...

[oOsweet~o~nessOo]

Those are some interesting observations;

For me personally, I always take a guys indifference as him not being particularly interested in me in a sense of a relationship; I'm more turned - on and accepting of the guys who boldly approach me, or are obvious with how they feel. It sucks to like a guy a lot, just for him to be ignoring you, indifferent, or not overall concerned with you besides a classmate or associate. I'm more proned to be open and appreciative of a guy if he's just as open and appreciative of me. But if he acts uninterested or indifferent, then he's automatically crossed off my potential dating list, because obviously (in my perspective of the situation and his behavior,) he's not interested...

[dance_backwards]

This is why I use the club method. To wit: (1) find pretty girl (2) hit her over head with club (3) haul off to cave (4) wait till she wakes up (5) Let evolutionary psychology and physical strength imbalance between genders do the rest.

No, seriously, clingy/stalker/whatever B.S. be damned, the moral of this story is that women like a certain KIND of attention, and they like it a lot, and basically every woman is different as to what kind of attention she likes. It's a lot like eating a girl out, having sex, cooking a new type of meal, or figuring out a new cell phone. You just keep pressing different buttons, and something is basically guaranteed to work eventually. Women like guys who know what they want. If all else fails, there's always the club method ;-)

[Anonymous]

How do you show interest? Do you go talk to her or do you stare at her until she talks to you? Girls do not have to be tricked into a relationship if they are ready for a relationship. Take it slow and try to be friends with a girl first. Girls love attention, but not too much attention because it can get annoying. Giving a girl a polite "hi, how are you today" will make her remember you all day. So, there is no need to keep talking to her every five minutes unless she talks to you every five minutes. Showing interest is not a turn-off if you have familiarized yourself with her by simple conversation. After that if you want to ask her to go out to see a movie, you can.

[Asker]

Let me emphasize that the amount of attention I give a woman I'm interested is nothing big. Rather it's just as you said, one simple moment of friendliness, or a playful comment, and that's it. Additionaly, these brief exchanges only happen about 3 times a week. And I never push these into conversations unless the girl is obviously willing to as well.

Some people here are assuming I exaggerate on the attention or behave in a clingy or needy manner. I don't, by any possible standard.

[Opinion Owner]

You should know that playing games works for girls who are immature...Be honest and you'll catch the right type of girl for you.

[Asker]

Seems I've only met immature women then...

[Opinion Owner]

For Sure

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind women are not all the same. Some want minimal affection and some want all the attention in the world, and some like a balance. This is why it's up to the guy to determine what kind of girl she is and how to treat her in response. A lot of girls might actually take it the wrong way, and your so-called positive results won't be as positive. It could be offensive that they're not getting the amount of affection they desire. Point blank: don't mess around with women for your absurd hypothesis.

[Asker]

Thing is, this hypothesis has proven to be true each time I was interested in a woman. They would only respond to a minimal amount of attention; anything more than that would drive them away. I was getting by using that strategy, but now I'm sick of it. I can't seem to find a woman who appreciates a straightforward and honest approach.

[Anonymous]

Wow... I could say the same thing for men right now. In all honesty, If I were to find a guy that was just honest with me and didn't play games. That would be refreshing. If you are truly interested in someone and care about them you would play it straight. Just tell them how you feel. Women don't have to be tricked into a relationship. If a guy came up to me and said how he truly felt, I would love it. Try to have deeper than surface conversations and see where that gets you. If a woman senses that you truly care for her, she will respond and appreciate you. Hope this helps ... Good luck. =)

[Asker]

I've been "playing it straight" and having "deep conversations" all my life. Literally. It got me nowhere.

Your advice sounds exactly the kind of thing women *say* they like, but doesn't actually work. It doesn't help at all.

[Anonymous]

well everyone is different so we can't just say women like it when they are ignored or women don't like it.

it depends on the persons needs at the time for eg if they are insecure they may want you to constantly be after them so that they feel wanted and appreciated.

No one likes to be ignored but another woman - a really confident one- may consider you if you're not falling at your feet.

she may simply consider you if men have been doing her this all her life and so you ignoring her is fresh. interesting.

what I would advise you to do is when you meet someone. let it be known either verbally or through your actions that you are interested and don't be pushy or needy but give her time to make her decision.

that way you give attention and you give her space. when you get to know her better you will realize whether or not she is the type that takes you on when you try to eb challenging or is turned off by it.

[nermalinda]

hahaha. this is classic psychology. one of the main determinants of attraction is uncertainty. for a lot of people, when they are uncertain about how interested you really are in them, they become more attracted to you.

[Asker]

So I have no choice but to manipulate women, to trick them into a relationship? So far it's the only way that works for me. Is being honest so dull and boring?

[Anonymous]

Listen to the song, "crave you" by flight fancies. You want what you can't have. Personally, if the guy doesn't initiate things first.. I will make a move. I don't believe women don't appreaciate honesty at all, for me that's a major turn on. Maybe they all just want brooding males with a secret romantic side and/or getting a cold individual is a great prized she has earned. Not sure if this makes sense, but we all earn for the things out of reach... sometimes it's a bit boring responding to a guy who falls at your feet. :)

ps. You can't determine all women for the ones you have met. Ever heard of how being a gentlemen generally does work for most. A kind, genuine and fun personality is best in my opinion.

[Mesonfielde]

link

Prior interest and the desire to get the attention they demand is the key to staying truly interested and falling in love, apparently. It sucks, but that's how it works.

[Habakkuk]

wow, that's so depressing I want to kill myself. Is this what the world's come to? Stories like these make me feel like I'll die alone. And I probably will if I spend all day on this site asking and answering questions about relationships and not actually building them.

[Anonymous]

I was talking to this guy a couple of times and he seems genuinely interested in our conversations and I could tell that his face lights up and he asks me questions about what i think about a certain movie etc. Most guys that like me tend to not know what to say thats why I am more drawn to him. We share so much in common like dance and music and I believe any guy would be intrigued if tey found a girl who has common interest. However, I only know him through his good friend and its his good friend that has a huge crush on me. Yesterday we were in the same class and he completely ignored me walked pass me like I was invisible!! I felt it was quite rude considering we have spoken to each other before so no, the ignoring approach DOES NOT WORK. I have been waiting for him to talk to me bt to no avail. Is he playing the ignoring game cos his friend likes me or is he just not interested? If so common courtesy u would at least say hi to a person u knw?

[ketfoen]

I like to call it the Eve syndrome, lemme explain. Eve wanted the forbidden fruit, but couldn't have it, disobeyed her maker and her partner Adam to get it. It ended in tragedy as you know.

I guess they truly never learn, and you sir are our Adam. lol

[Asker]

Interesting theory. I guess I must become the forbidden fruit? lol

[dryad]

(update) It sounds like she feels pressured to converse with you when she doesn't feel like it when you smile/greet her. Or if she returns your greet she'll think you'll start to follow her. Not saying you or she was thinking all of that but for some girls that is the case.

[Asker]

But then why would she seek me out when I start ignoring her? Shouldn't she feel discouraged to talk to me if I don't seem interested anymore?

[dryad]

A woman I know who works for an advertising company once used the internet pop-up ads as an analogy. It's annoying when they appear uninvited, yet if they're sitting in a corner unimposing then you're more likely to click on it.

So when you stopped approaching her she thought you were losing interest and it made her wonder if this is over with, thus she approached. Yet when you smile before then she doesn't feel that urgency.

[Asker]

So are you saying games are necessary?

[dryad]

It's probably just her perspective on courtship.

[Asker]

That's just a nice way of putting it, isn't it. It basically means I need to mess with her head in order to build attraction.

[dryad]

You could see it that way. Or maybe she's being told not to appear too ready to guys, not desperate, else you'll think she's a slut, and so she makes you work at it at times. I'm not saying that is your situation but that is one reasons girls "play hard to get".

[Asker]

Or maybe you're just trying to justify her behavior no matter what. If the roles were reversed you wouldn't be so generous, would you. You're biased and just won't admit these women have issues.

[dryad]

And this is why I rarely try to help people in your situations. Issues or not, I'm simply trying to make you understand how women think and feel. Girls who had their heart broken at one time, or recently came under attack, are going to appear like they're disinterested. Other girls on your post have already told you she sounds immature, I'm just trying to give you something else to think about.

[Asker]

What annoys me is your effort to make it sound so reasonable, when in my experience it's anything but. Also, she is just one of many girls who have acted this way with me. I find it hard to believe they were all victims like you described and I'm the one who doesn't understand how a woman feels or thinks.

I only expect coherence, nothing more. Is it too much to ask?

[dryad]

Then stop pursuing this girl and look for one who is reasonable. I was only responding to your update because you seemed confused at to why she was doing what she was doing and I was giving you suggestions as to possible reasons. I, personally, don't do this to guys. And if a guy "gave me the cold shoulder" I wouldn't pursue him anymore as it makes me think he has a girlfriend, is too shy, doesn't like short red-heads, just finished jerking off or is gay.

[Asker]

Yeah, I'm not pursuing her anymore. I guess it doesn't matter why she acted this way, since I'll never know for sure. Thanks for your input.

[hellothere]

You are only learning of this now? Regardless what girls say on here what you say is true, although girls themselves don't like to admit it

[Asker]

I'm mostly venting, I guess. Also I'd like to know if there's any hope I can meet a woman who is different from that.

[jade_butterfly]

Women normally want what they think they can´t have. They like to be challanged and the less attention you give the harder they think it is to get you, and the more stubborn you are to make understand the more she want to try to change your mind. I guess you can trick a woman into a relationship, as long as she thinks you're a challange, only to find that in a few years she´s bored and wants to get a divorce or is actually on the verge of cheating.

[dvd89]

Clearly put: Indifference is boring to a woman. However not showing enough may make her lose interest and showing too much may scare her off. It is all about the right amount. Question is...what is the right amount? and that is solely dependent on the woman herself (not women as a whole)

[Jayson101]

Its more about the guy

[nsjain101]

Really it depends on the girl and exactly what you're doing and how long you ignore her. Me personally prefer to at least talk to a guy 3 - 4 times week or every day depending on the guy because I like knowing what's going on in their life. Really it all depends on who you're dating

[dIO_oIb]

I get confused easily, I don't like mind games. Just tell me you like me if you like me, don't tell me you like me if you don't, if you just want to be friends lets be friends... Is that so hard?