Why do I tend to attract thuggish guys?

[iwant_altoids07]

Why?

I am sweet and pretty innocent. I am a good girl, never do anything bad, no drugs, or alcohol. I'm in college studying to become a dietitian. I don't know, I love kids, I am pretty warm and friendly to everyone, I give everyone a chance (unless I am scared of them in some way, then I back off).

The reason I wonder this is because in my mind, I think of the guy I'd like as a genuinely nice guy, sensitive, with good intentions and that treats me right. Has ambition and goals. However, when it comes to actually meeting guys in real life, it's the thuggish ones that I end up with. Nothing so bad about that, until I later discover the reason why in the back of my head I tell myself ("What, what am I doing with this type of guy, I like him but he's a little too thuggish.")

They have tattoos (not just any, I mean skull of death ones) they usually have their ears pierced (not that it's bad, but the guys that seem to really like me have them pierced), they also tend to drink or smoke, or don't go to school, have gotten in trouble with cops, and roam in the streets a lot. The thing about them is, they now that they need to change and they try to be good, but they slip up sometimes. Sigh, it sucks that I like them too, because they end up being the ones who can easily hurt me. They are usually very confident, outspoken guys, who are not afraid to say what's on their mind, and maybe that's what I was initially attracted to. I can't help who I end up liking, but it's not good that I keep attracting guys like this! They are the only ones who I see are serious about me, but they give me a hunch that, because of they're kind of trouble for me, that they might become aggressive and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know how to handle them. I think it's opposites attract. So yeah.

Updates

+1 y

Is it?

[Asvaldr]

Because a male that is attractive to many females is either someone in a position of power or a rebel with the potential to throw someone off a position of power and take that position of power for themselves, or a tough guy with the potential to get in a position of power ( alpha ) or at least a powerful enforcer ( beta ). People tend to classify people either as thugs or as honest people. Thing is honest people are not equal. A wealthy establishment manager can be an honest person but definitely not equal with the honest person that washes the toilets. And a thug that is successful in less than legal activities can and in many cases does become a legit business person in time. So the said guys are used to be attractive to women. Why are they attracted to you and confident to tell you that? Because thugs are attracted ( probably due to polarity ) to cute little girls that are honest, seem pure and are somewhat innocent and give the image of an untarnished person, yet vulnerable like a blank canvas. They want to let your mark in you, shape you, maybe protect you, it makes them feel even more tough etc. It ' s a bit like asking why does the wolf chase the deer. If the wolf does not eat the deer he marries her. Out of such a relationship you may come off just as if not more of a beast than the said wolf. Just don ' t consider yourself a wolf off the bat just because you married one. Try to rely on them first, if not always, although it is good to build at least an ounce of independence. You never know. But they love it when you rely on them. Use that. You only have to gain.

[Asvaldr]

To complement that I say, leaving politicians, army and law enforcement aside, talking only of business people, a legit business person is alpha, an enforcer like a security officer or a bouncer is beta and a worker is omega. They are all honest people. I guess alpha and beta are more attractive, right? And the criminal boss, the pimp lady etc are alpha, the enforcer, the street drug dealer etc. are beta and the hookers, the junkies, the petty small timers and the beggars are omega. This people are all less than honest. But even in their ranks the alphas and betas have the potential to move into the honest people legitimizing their business and maybe switching to more legal merchandise of they sell drugs, like opening a pharmacy and selling medical drugs instead.

[Asvaldr]

Or rather more potential I could say.

[anthony87]

Well that's how it goes, these guys are honest and direct with you.. something the nice guys arent, plus they are exciting to be around.

Bad boys have always been attractive to women, look at james dean or any tough macho dude from movies like marlon brando in street car named desire. That raw tough masculine energy is attractive to girls, the meek nice guy is not.

What you'd IDEALLY want, is a guy who is tough and direct, not afraid to say what he thinks and isn't afraid to go for you, but is also sweet and nice to you..

[Ambzzz]

Not true, that is an outdated myth as uts 21st century and there are more queer women than straight women and girls have well gone off bad boys

[nermalinda]

You just need to realize that you don't have to go for guys who are not your type.

If you meet a guy with a skull tattoo, don't go out with him. Just politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

You need to stick to your standards. You already know what you really want, so just avoid guys who don't fit that. Try to talk to some guys who ARE your type. They are more shy so you may need to help them out a little.

But you need to find someone who is right for you. Even if you date 100 thugs, you'll still want a nice guy, so save yourself the trouble and just go straight to they types you really want.

[lexieadm]

I agree with aMuse and jordanboling09.

"I don't have the tatoos or the ear piercing but my history would make me a "thug" by your standards. That doesn't mean I'm not a good person, that I'm not genuine, that I don't have ambition, or have feelings... If they treat you right, and are not self destructive then what's the problem? "

"Just because someone dresses or acts a certain way doesn't mean they are aggressive. Widen your variety and try to give everyone a chance regardless of what they look like."

I agree with those statements.

[Jordikinz]

Just because someone dresses or acts a certain way doesn't mean they are aggressive. Quit going with guys that aren't your type if it's such a big deal. I attract pot heads. I don't go with any of them, and try to widen my variety and give everyone a chance. Now I'm in a happy relationship. Widen your variety and try to give everyone a chance regardless of what they look like.

[iwant_altoids07]

One: I know that. Just that after getting to know one of the guys I was talking to he yelled at me because one day I told him I was having a bad day and I felt depressed.

Two: I DO give them a chance. I stated that I give everyone a chance up in my question. If I didn't, then I wouldn't even bother ever talking to them upon seeing them at first.

Three: I believe you just contradicted yourself.You say not to go out with them if they're not my type, yet to widen my variety?

[Jordikinz]

One: That's one guys out of tons. Not all will act the same.

Three: It sounds like that you just keep going for "thugs." I think they go for you so often you just accept it and quit looking for other guys that may be interested. If the "thugs" are interested then so are other guys.

[FlaggLives]

It's like this. Girls say "I don't want a bad boy" but 99% of the time they end up with dating a bad boy. Your story here proves that point perfectly. The reason for this is "bad boy" types usually have confidence, and girls are attracted to confidence. Girls meet guys who are nice and caring all the time, they'll even tell them things like "you're such a great guy! I'm sure any girl would be luck to be with you!" and other bullsh*t like that, key phrase there is "any girl" would be lucky to be with you, but not "this girl."

It's just an instinctual thing. You tell yourself you want one thing, then you find yourself naturally going after something else. It's one of main reasons girls miss out on chances to actually have a good-hearted guy because maybe he's shy or not as outgoing as the "thuggie" types. Girls tend to be attracted to guys who make the first move and show all the interest, and shyer, less outgoing guys are not always able to put themselves out there like that and do that.

[honeyltsme]

Well no.

These are the type of guys who go after all sorts of girls not just you specifically. I do not see these guys waking up and saying "it's time for me to become good and settle down with a nice librarian girl". It's more like "Dang, I need me some p****. She seems single, let me go talk to her."

I may be exaggerating, but the basic dynamic is you are probably not going after any guys yourself, you let guys go after you. Regardless of what you are like (those guys do not care), you will end up with those types of guys you end up with, because they are more alpha and outgoing by nature, so they are the ones going after all the girls of every sort all the time, while the types of guys you would like to end up with are more shy and passive.

[Gawesome]

"They are usually very confident, outspoken guys, who are not afraid to say what's on their mind, and maybe that's what I was initially attracted to."...BINGO. You answered your own question.

Solution: Don't date them! Simple as that! I don't know if deep down, you hope that they will change for the better or you will try to mold them into 'good' guys but the reality is, most of them don't change. Some will change for the better but it's up to them...not you. And you have no idea how long it will take them to mature.

You sound like you know what you want in a guy. Set another standard that you won't go for 'bad boys'. There's plenty of guys out there who have what you described in your ideal man that are not 'bad boys', 'thugs', gangsters, or criminals. lol

[aMuse]

You just like guys that aren't nervous around women... Going through a bunch of crap and making it out hardens you... That doesn't mean it makes you mean, it just instills a certain strength in a man. I don't have the tatoos or the ear piercing but my history would make me a "thug" by your standards. That doesn't mean I'm not a good person, that I'm not genuine, that I don't have ambition, or have feelings... If they treat you right, and are not self destructive then what's the problem? We all have a little dirt on us.

[carlo]

I am not getting whether you are just hoping the thuggish ones weren't so scary sometimes, or if you are attracted at all to nice guys? How do ou rate yourself in terms of phisical appearance? You really seem like a girl guys can fall VEEEEEEERY hard for, so unless they have some confdence (or a resaemblance of it) they think they won't have a chance with you. And you going out with those thuggish ones just confirms their view, like you like 'bad' boys, so, they nice guys know they are not, and they conclude no way you can like them

[Prof_Don]

Frankly...i think you're too nice.

You keep dating guys that DEMONSTRATE that they're the "thuggish" type...so it's not like they "hid" the thuggish and you were "tricked" or deceived.

YOU CHOSE TO GO OUT WITH THEM! SAY NO!

So therefore, your problem is one of these four things:

1) you're deluding yourself, and all of us on this site, and you truly like the "thuggy" type of guy but try to talk yourself out of it for family / social / political reasons

2) you date these guys, hoping you can "change them" to make them less hyper-aggressive (trying to change a person is an epic fail btw)

3) you feel bad turning down one of the few guys that has the balls to approach you, and you don't want to "be a bitch" and turn him down

4) you want a boyfriend so badly (but don't want to approach guys yourself), that you'll "try out" any guy who's decent looking and has the balls to approach you.

-------

Which one is it?

[kholland65]

This ^

[HardAppleCider]

This probably has less to do with you and more to do with the men.

Thugs tend to be hyper aggressive when it comes to approaching women. If a thug sees an attractive woman he's more inclined to go for it than most other men, even your average confident successful man.

[HardAppleCider]

Actually, I take that back, this has more to do with you :)

You see, thuggish men are likely to go for any make and model of woman. Why they end up with you has more to do with you, your tastes, and how picky you are than it does with them.

If you're willing to give anybody a chance, it seems natural that you'd keep ending up with the men that are most likely to approach.

[HardAppleCider]

Clarification "...any make and model [that they find attractive]..."

I just realized that this sounded insulting. That was not my intent ;)

[Longshot]

You said you're sweet and innocent. You attract thugs because at some points in our lives we want opposites and we UNCONSCIOUSLY go about finding them and attracting them. The thug wants the sweet and innocent and the sweet and innocent wants the thug. It's pyschological compensation.

You can either choose to stop being with guys like this or wait until it fades over time which it will.

[Skyler123]

This is so far from the truth. These type of men see a weakness in women that they are attracted to. Being "sweet and innocent" has nothing to do with it. Many thugs date ghetto women, they date these type of women because more likely than not these women don't have a real sense of self worth and often times these two people find them self in a very abusive/toxic relationship. The same goes with the guys that she attracts. They see a weakness in her they know they can abuse.

[Longshot]

Your comment is also true. But if you think my comment is far from the truth, then take a psych 101 course. Why do good girls date bad boys, it's because ... well, I'm sure you can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

becuase. . .

It's a thugish rgugish

Worrllllld. . . . .

It's a thugish rgugish

Worrllllld

[NewClassic]

I do too I guess they like shy good girls or know that guys rarely approach us so they think they have a better chance

[Anonymous]

Stop attending colleges with thugs...

[Anonymous]

Those aren't thugs they're rockers

[Anonymous]

Opposites attract