I feel like my boyfriend is not validating my emotions when I am upset

The other day I made my boyfriend of one year an omelet at his house, I forgot to put the eggs away, I left his computer on (I forgot!) and l didn't put the pan in the sink, because the sink is over flowing with dishes that he does not do. And then I locked the keys up staires, when he found all this stuff he came down staires to tell me to go pick up after myself. I did. I called him later and told him that he was treating me like a child, grated I left all of that stuff out, but he refused to see how that might have offended me. All I was looking for was for him to say that he was sorry for making me feel that way. But he wouldn't say sorry. This ended in a big fight. The next day he was ignoring my calls, so I drove to his house, we went through the same argument again. I then made the mistake of hanging around for a few hours. When it got dark I asked him what he was doing and whether or not he wanted to hang out with me for the evening. He gave me the brush off, telling me he was tired, I then asked if he was sick of me and this started another big argument. I told him he was acting like he didn't care about me and he was about to say that he didn't care about me if it would "make me leave right now". I then stormed out and wrote him a long message on myspace telling him that he is controlling and unemotional and that there are so many things that I love about him, but that I can't be with someone who doesn't validate my emotions. The problem with this is I am so attached to this guy that I can't stop crying, I can't eat and I am considering swallowing everything that has happened for the sake of getting him back. We are going to meet up tomorrow to talk, I don't want to back down though, but I want him back, but it looks like I might not be able to have both. Help, Help, Help, Help, please help me, I am falling apart.


Most Helpful Guy

  • You need a guys perspective. This way you will know what's going on through his head. First guys don't think too much into things, if we are pissed about something, we forget about it the next day. We don't hold onto something and use it against our gf. So don't look too much into him getting angry, he will get over it. Just like when he told you to pick up after yourself, he didn't see it as a big deal. He did not think you would get that offended. Then when you confronted him about it he did what any guy would do, he went defensive. Not against you but against a relationship confrontation. You can not change this. It's just they way guys are.

    Arguments about feelings will kill relationships with certain guys. We don't like to talk about them, they make us feel uncomfortable and you can't change that, he has to change with time. He cares about you, but you have to pick up on the signs that he shows, like putting his arm around you, not the words he says, because he won't say them a lot. Men we bottle up our feelings and deal with them on our own.

    Now your in a tough spot, a place where you will define if this relationship will crash and burn or grow. First, back off. Messages, arguements and nit picking will kill it. You have to get back to fun and being comfortable. And second, when you meet up, pick a place that has distractions, the mall or something to do with people. Places where you can be alone are bad ideas, they will make you bring stuff up and the whole thing will end in two people angry with each other.

    Just remember, he wants to move away from this emotion fight as soon as possible. If you do want to get inside his head and have him express himself, it will be weird and uncomfortable for him and you will get burned. Of course if you guys do fight a lot, he may want to end it. There's nothing you can do about that one but the strategy is still the same, move on, enjoy eachother.

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      Thank you for giving me the "guys perspective" it really grounded me. Even though I hate that there has to be such of a difference between male and female conciousness, this happends to be the state of things. Hearing this put things into perspective for me, that while he may not be the emotional well-spring that I would want him to be, he is still just a man. As I am just a woman, who can wig out very easily and if he can undestand that about me, and accept me, I can do the same.

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