I feel like my boyfriend is not validating my emotions when I am upset
The other day I made my boyfriend of one year an omelet at his house, I forgot to put the eggs away, I left his computer on (I forgot!) and l didn't put the pan in the sink, because the sink is over flowing with dishes that he does not do. And then I locked the keys up staires, when he found all this stuff he came down staires to tell me to go pick up after myself. I did. I called him later and told him that he was treating me like a child, grated I left all of that stuff out, but he refused to see how that might have offended me. All I was looking for was for him to say that he was sorry for making me feel that way. But he wouldn't say sorry. This ended in a big fight. The next day he was ignoring my calls, so I drove to his house, we went through the same argument again. I then made the mistake of hanging around for a few hours. When it got dark I asked him what he was doing and whether or not he wanted to hang out with me for the evening. He gave me the brush off, telling me he was tired, I then asked if he was sick of me and this started another big argument. I told him he was acting like he didn't care about me and he was about to say that he didn't care about me if it would "make me leave right now". I then stormed out and wrote him a long message on myspace telling him that he is controlling and unemotional and that there are so many things that I love about him, but that I can't be with someone who doesn't validate my emotions. The problem with this is I am so attached to this guy that I can't stop crying, I can't eat and I am considering swallowing everything that has happened for the sake of getting him back. We are going to meet up tomorrow to talk, I don't want to back down though, but I want him back, but it looks like I might not be able to have both. Help, Help, Help, Help, please help me, I am falling apart.
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You need a guys perspective. This way you will know what's going on through his head. First guys don't think too much into things, if we are pissed about something, we forget about it the next day. We don't hold onto something and use it against our gf. So don't look too much into him getting angry, he will get over it. Just like when he told you to pick up after yourself, he didn't see it as a big deal. He did not think you would get that offended. Then when you confronted him about it he did what any guy would do, he went defensive. Not against you but against a relationship confrontation. You can not change this. It's just they way guys are.
Arguments about feelings will kill relationships with certain guys. We don't like to talk about them, they make us feel uncomfortable and you can't change that, he has to change with time. He cares about you, but you have to pick up on the signs that he shows, like putting his arm around you, not the words he says, because he won't say them a lot. Men we bottle up our feelings and deal with them on our own.
Now your in a tough spot, a place where you will define if this relationship will crash and burn or grow. First, back off. Messages, arguements and nit picking will kill it. You have to get back to fun and being comfortable. And second, when you meet up, pick a place that has distractions, the mall or something to do with people. Places where you can be alone are bad ideas, they will make you bring stuff up and the whole thing will end in two people angry with each other.
Just remember, he wants to move away from this emotion fight as soon as possible. If you do want to get inside his head and have him express himself, it will be weird and uncomfortable for him and you will get burned. Of course if you guys do fight a lot, he may want to end it. There's nothing you can do about that one but the strategy is still the same, move on, enjoy eachother.
What Guys Said 1
This situation is obviously a big bother to you, but you are dead wrong on a few things.
First, define "validate my emotions." What specifically does that phrase mean to you? Be as specific as possible. And if you expect him to validate your emotions, do you also try validating his emotions? I doubt it. You didn't write a word about his emotions.
Second, accusing your boyfriend of intentionally treating you like a child IS NOT mature, healthy communication. Nor is it healthy to expect him to apologize for "making me feel that way." A healthier way to say what you felt is this. "When you say or do, A,B, C, I feel X, Y, Z." This method does not imply that the person deliberately offended or hurt you, but it does show a cause-and-effect.
Third, Your boyfriend DID NOT make you feel anything. Your emotions are not his responsibility. No one but can make you feel any way. You can't make anyone feel anything, either. Our emotions are all in our heads, and do not excuse words or behavior.
Fourth, you are not owning your role in this relationship. You throw all the responsibility, all the fault on him. That's simply inaccurate. All relationships have give and take from both partners. But you're not recognizing and admitting to your part in these problems.
Fifth, read this article about the differences between the way men and women communicate. [ link Get him to read it, too. It will open your eyes, and show how you can both adjust to communicate better.
Several comments below rang true and your comments indicate that you understand how the advice is offered. Here's some more: Guys don't 'validate emotions' it's not in our toolbox. We're not even sure we have emotions unless someone from the home team sinks a three with a second left and we win. Really. Don't get upset about it.
And for that matter don't get so upset anyways. And I agree with jbone79, quit being a doormat. Find someone who treats you nice and be your own person with them.
What Girls Said 12
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You don't need to break up with him because he's not validating your feelings.. I mean most guys don't. It is a problem however but not a huge issue to break up over. Usually guys don't validate your feelings when they themselves haven't had their feelings validated...
Just try to have a conversation about validating feelings (as you validate his). Good luck I'm sure it will be okay.. :) xx
" You need a guys perspective. This way you will know what's going on through his head. First guys don't think too much into things, if we are p*ssed about something, we forget about it the next day. We don't hold onto something and use it against our gf. So don't look too much into him getting angry, he will get over it. Just like when he told you to pick up after yourself, he didn't see it as a big deal. He did not think you would get that offended. Then when you confronted him about it he did what any guy would do, he went defensive. Not against you but against a relationship confrontation. You can not change this. It's just they way guys are.
Arguments about feelings will kill relationships with certain guys. We don't like to talk about them, they make us feel uncomfortable and you can't change that, he has to change with time. He cares about you, but you have to pick up on the signs that he shows, like putting his arm around you, not the words he says, because he won't say them a lot. Men we bottle up our feelings and deal with them on our own. "
Not all guys let thing go.. TRUST ME I AM DEALING WITH A GUY WHOIS ARGUING ABOT STUF FRIM THRE YEARS AGO.
& MOST PEOPLE LIKE SPACE, DON'T LIKE TO BE SUFFOCATED, & FEEL VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS..
-Actually I have been trying to get someone to explain to me what a conversation like that would even LOOK like & I can't get a straight response... I do not think there is anything wrong with this, just that it s not limited to GUYS, just to anyone that wants a reasonable amount of breathing space.. & I think that if h wanted space he should say so.
Often when people get bothered & do not say anything, the thing they want - space - never happens cause the other person is saying around cause the are trying to disambiguate the situation.
It is a 2 way thing, & if you want space & no nit picking, or going over things, you should / need be clear... Unless what you want IS confrontation, cause no one likes to be messed with.
as fir the Q asker, you should not say things like ' are you sick of me'
1. A) Cause you should never expect that that is the case - it bad for YOUR moral.
B) That question is SO annoying that someone may just say yes cause they are irritated at the moment, & well you know where THAT goes..
3. You should sit down with him, & ask what he is having a problem with- not because of XYZ, just starting from the present, then you can refer to things but not start of with the pat, cause it makes things seem repetitive stuck & sort of helpless, & not appealing to talk about it.. Remember the objective is to SOLVE, not to SULK.
ANYWAYS you gotta say what you need, & listen to what he needs & if y us can't compromise yo just gotta let it go.. Relationships are not to prove anything or win a race.. They are supposed to be fir support.. If you guys expect to change each other than that will be hell.
Q: What exactly do you mean when you say : "
...This may be a bit of a delayed reponse, I found this on the web when I typed in "validate my feelings"...which is how I was feeling at the moment. I would be curious to know if you guys are still having this argument, or are still together at all. I have been in your shoes, and I know how you feel...but now that I am an older woman, 29...I see where your ideals may be what is truly getting in the way here. First and foremost, it seems that you are a bit clingy. If he ignores your calls, he is trying to get a gramp on his emotions about the fight, driving to his house to FORCE him to speak on his feelings is always going to end with him making you feel like crap. Men have to take time to decide how they feel before they can be asked to translate that into word form. You were right that you "made the mistake of hanging around for a few hours", if you had really gone there to MAKE him talk to you, a few hours is not really necessary. The declining of phone calls tells you he needed space, showing up in person to invade it was not the answer. The next issue is the message on myspace. Again not th best way to go to have a mature conversation. I myself have frequently written my feelings when I felt no one was validating them, but I never send them. I keep a journal, and I write in it as if I am writing TO the person who is not hearing me...and as cheesey as it may sound, it works. You are not looking to hear his side, it seems, because he is saying something you really don't want to hear - he needs to BREATHE. You take that as a personal thing, when it isn't necessarily meant that way. Could it be, perhaps, that you have been at his house almost EVERY day making breakfast? Maybe he feels that his home is not really his anymore. Does he ask you to come over or do you volunteer? And did he ASK you to make breakfast, or did you take it upon yourself? Maybe those dishes he "never washes" are ones that you used making him meals. Although it is a sweet gesture, and sometimes nearly an instinct, for us as women to clean, cook, and nest in a man's home that we spend time with...it isn't always what he wants. Men have more primal needs that we do. He may want you there physically, and to "hang with" but that could be the end of it. Not all men are cut out to be our BFF's. Some men would prefer to leave the emotional exploration and nurturing to their mothers. If there needs in that arena are met there, many don't need a lover to do the same thing for them.
The problem with "this" IS that you are so attached to this guy. This is not a testiment of will and who is right here, it is an issue that you feel that a man is needed to validate you, to make you feel better about yourself, and to function normally at all. You may need to look up information on co-dependency. It sounds like something you will need to address before being able to grow in this relationship, or ANY one you may pursue in the future. Good luck to you.
Try giving him his space... they normal start to feel things if they miss you when you are gone. Don't pick up when he calls (I know its hard) don't try to hang out with him every single night cause your lonely...If he really likes you he will miss you when you are not around and realize what you really mean to him. If all else fails you need to go after the kind of guy you won't and settle for nothing less or you may never find a happy relationship.
You shouldn't say that "validating my feelings" bit to a guy unless you're trying to chase them away. They just see that as a headache. You can express the same things, but say something more like "you really don't have to scold me" or "I didn't like the way you said that. You sounded like my dad" or really just about anything else.
I suppose my advice is incorrect if you like casting yourself as the high-maintenance girlfriend, but if you don't then I really think you'd be better off avoiding that kind of thing.
I would say it is time for a break up. Break ups are hard, but neither of you are right for eachother. As much as you view him as controlling and unemotional, he is obviously viewing you as childish, needing controlling and over emotional.
In the end, you guys would rather change eachothers personality types or not have to deal with them at all, and when this isn't succeeding you guys are tearing each other appart!
Afterall, the only thing you did was make a few mistakes, but at the same time they were all easily avoided if you paid attention. Maybe the occasions mistakes have been made have gotten to him which is what makes him so snappy?
There is no appology though that makes him right for telling you the only thing is right is if you leave right now. That is a major red flag and a jerk move. Would you take that from one of your friends?
Love is a combination of time and trust and he doesn't want to spend his time with you, and you obviously can't trust him to honor your feelings, so let it go.
I think you over reacted. and really I believer you were in the wrong in the first place. I think you expect too much from other people and in this world, people never validate your emotions, unless your pretty, rich, smart, popular etc. You have to get used it and stop relying on other people to confirm how you are feeling about yourself. I am really surprised that you would break up with him over something like this. I think you are definately over reacting. My mother tells me I'm a piece of shit everyday, I was abused by her for 19 years and I never complained about it even once. When you are old and grey, no one is going to feel sorry for you because you are pretty.
um. I get seriously annoyed when my boyfriend doesn't clean up after himself at my place. I probably let it go on some occasions if we just met and are not that serious yet, but most likely if I care to be around him much I will let him know that he needs to tidy up; don't want a mess in my own home.
whoa! you guys should negotiate chores or something, divide it out, that's pretty important. You should try being more organized at home, it sounds like it's the trigger for this chain of arguments, not saying that's all your fault, but try to take care of it or negotiate it with him.
He shouldn't be ignoring you, if he can think and be more considerate, he should quit playing games. Grow up and talk to you, seriously.
I feel like if you would just let go of him for just a second, can you live with out him? Sometimes, clinginess is so unattractive to a guy. Guys like a girl who can be somewhat independent, so idk, if that was an issue before, he might have found that annoying as well.
Try being calm, free of emotions, just a rational talk and serious talk with your bf. He has to understand your needs, tell him you are hurt by his non recognition of your hurt feelings, that you aren't a child etc. He should give also, he can't be telling you to do everything and same goes for you, need to be able to be less attached at times and be more organized. Hope things work out.
You know it goes both ways. You expect him to "validate" your emotions, but you are completely ignoring his. Why shouldn't he be upset over a mess you made? Why should he apologize because he "hurt" your feelings by responding to a situation in a normal way? You expect him to act like a saint - but you can behave any way you want? Riiiight.
The only controlling one I see is you. Granted I'm sure there is more to the story, but if you would quit trying to make him think about how YOU feel and listen to how HE feels, you just might be able to understand his behavior. Making him say sorry for something he obviously isn't sorry for is basically asking him to lie to make you feel better. He has every right to be upset about your actions, to tell you about it when he is upset, and not apologize when he's not sorry. He has a right to be himself when he is with you without apologizing. You instigated the last argument by accusing him of being sick of you - when he probably just wanted time to cool down. You need to learn when to let things go and when to walk away.
I think you need to think long and hard about being in a relationship entails. You love a person for who they are - good and bad. Don't try to tell him how to love you - you might convince him that he isn't capable of loving you the way you want him to.