For a long time I've been feeling tense, agitated and unable to relax around my boyfriend. I think a lot of this goes back to the beginning of our relationship.
Before our relationship and some time after it started my boyfriend did not pay me any compliments, invite me on dates, praise me or flirt with me, even when I encouraged it.There was attraction between us and we spent a lot of time together talking about non-personal stuff so I decided to be patient and tried to make things easy for him by being super nice and understanding so that he could open up, because I assumed he might have some problems, inhibitions from his past. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and it went well, he was very caring, warm, honest and it became clear he treated me seriously, and even said he loved me first. But...
I validated things he said and expressed recognition when he mentioned his achievements etc., but he didn't do the same for me. His usual reaction to my self-praise would be a short "aha" or mentioning his own achievement in the relevant field. He did not compliment me on my looks, skills, knowledge, nothing. And whenever I made a stupid mistake and said something like "I'm so stupid!" (which happened quite rarely) he did not say anything to lift me up, did not deny it, was oblivious to what I said, concentrated on solving the problem if it concerned us both. He was also quite unaffected when I expressed my enthusiasm about something I like or liked - I started talking about something all excited, lively and smiling and he just stands there listening, not even smiling, not sharing my joy, just saying something like "aha" and moving on to another subject when I finished. And he was not upset or anything. So I thought that maybe he was too composed a guy to share such stuff spontaneously. But it turned out he could get very excited about his stuff, like sports, and also other people - impressed by their achievements, for example, and express his awe.
Later it turned out he'd had some issues that stopped him from saying good things he wanted to say to me. And since then he has been working on getting rid of those inhibitions, with varied success. I guess I managed to develop quite a lot of self-doubt by then, because I feel tense around him, like I always have to prove I am right in a discussion because he keeps throwing counter-arguments at me, and I have to explain some of my obvious emotions or little gestures. And I feel really bad when he beats me in a game - he never let me win and is very self-satisfied when he wins, whereas I think it's unfair as I don't treat it so seriously in the first place. Still I feel like sh*t, because in his eyes he challenges me and I take it on, and lose, obviously. When asked he denies he considers himself intellectually superior, but I feel that stuff like being good at sth, like games, impress him, as well as having a good job (which he does, and I don't),so I'm not sure he really means it.What's a girl to do?
Before our relationship and some time after it started my boyfriend did not pay me any compliments, invite me on dates, praise me or flirt with me, even when I encouraged it.There was attraction between us and we spent a lot of time together talking about non-personal stuff so I decided to be patient and tried to make things easy for him by being super nice and understanding so that he could open up, because I assumed he might have some problems, inhibitions from his past. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and it went well, he was very caring, warm, honest and it became clear he treated me seriously, and even said he loved me first. But...
I validated things he said and expressed recognition when he mentioned his achievements etc., but he didn't do the same for me. His usual reaction to my self-praise would be a short "aha" or mentioning his own achievement in the relevant field. He did not compliment me on my looks, skills, knowledge, nothing. And whenever I made a stupid mistake and said something like "I'm so stupid!" (which happened quite rarely) he did not say anything to lift me up, did not deny it, was oblivious to what I said, concentrated on solving the problem if it concerned us both. He was also quite unaffected when I expressed my enthusiasm about something I like or liked - I started talking about something all excited, lively and smiling and he just stands there listening, not even smiling, not sharing my joy, just saying something like "aha" and moving on to another subject when I finished. And he was not upset or anything. So I thought that maybe he was too composed a guy to share such stuff spontaneously. But it turned out he could get very excited about his stuff, like sports, and also other people - impressed by their achievements, for example, and express his awe.
Later it turned out he'd had some issues that stopped him from saying good things he wanted to say to me. And since then he has been working on getting rid of those inhibitions, with varied success. I guess I managed to develop quite a lot of self-doubt by then, because I feel tense around him, like I always have to prove I am right in a discussion because he keeps throwing counter-arguments at me, and I have to explain some of my obvious emotions or little gestures. And I feel really bad when he beats me in a game - he never let me win and is very self-satisfied when he wins, whereas I think it's unfair as I don't treat it so seriously in the first place. Still I feel like sh*t, because in his eyes he challenges me and I take it on, and lose, obviously. When asked he denies he considers himself intellectually superior, but I feel that stuff like being good at sth, like games, impress him, as well as having a good job (which he does, and I don't),so I'm not sure he really means it.What's a girl to do?
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I'm a girl, don't know why I came out in this avatar as a guy!
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