Through this process I have gained knowledge of what it takes to fail and succeed in love. Below are lessons that I hope can help you before you have to learn them the hard way. Of course there are exceptions to the rules but with that comes risks and sometimes more work.
Rule #10 - Find the atmosphere that gives you access to the kind of man you would like to marry.
You cannot find your future husband locked in your house, even if you meet him online. Get out, and get out to places that are conducive to the kind of man you are looking for. If you want a professional, mature man then you should not be in the local club where beers are $1. Instead find a local restaurant where it is common for business men to frequent after work, go to events where you would find professionals, join associations or clubs. You get the gist.
Rule #9 - Re-evaluate your wants versus needs.
Women generally think that this means that you should settle but that is not the case. Re-evaluating wants versus needs means to really figure out what is important as the things that are not important may be presented to you in different ways than you anticipated are acceptable and sometimes better than you imagined.
"You need to be able to decide if having someone funny is more important than having someone that values family."
Does it really matter if he has the body type of a basketball player versus a football player, does it really matter if he drives a car and you like a man that drives an SUV, these are the things that I want people to re-evaluate. They are what I call NOT IMPORTANT. These are things that have nothing to do with a person's character, how they can be a match for you or provide any insight has to if there is a possibility for longevity in a relationship with this person.
Rule #8 – Know your priorities.
You must really know who you are and make some serious decisions about yourself. If you do not then you may end up on a journey alone or going through a war trying to find yourself while in the relationship which creates additional strain and can contribute to a premature break up. What are your priorities and how do they play a part in what you want in a man? You literally need to be able to decide if having someone funny is more important than having someone that values family.
Again, it is not settling. It doesn’t mean that you settle for someone who is not funny for a family man but what if he’s just not a comedian and instead things that he does makes you laugh but not necessarily his jokes. Again these are all traits that come in different forms and you have to be prepared to weigh the choices and be open minded.
Rule #7 - Follow your intuition.
Far too many women neglect to listen to themselves. Whatever it is that your intuition tells you, listen to it. It does not always mean that you walk away but what it does mean is that you do not ignore it. Use your intuition to then ask the tough questions or at minimum keep your eyes open and pay closer attention to that area.
For example, if you are looking for a nonsmoker and happen to find someone that tells you that he smokes but is quitting yet every time you meet he smells of smoke, your intuition tells you that this could be a problem. Many women ignore this because they only see it as an issue of settling for a smoker versus a nonsmoker however, your intuition is usually an internal prompt that there is a deeper issue, which is why it should never be ignored. It may not be as bad that he smokes as it is that he lies.
Rule #6 - No more but's...
You have all been there. You just had your first telephone conversation or your first date and there are things that are blatantly not going to work for you once you have decided what is truly important to you however you make exceptions for various reasons. For example, he's very arrogant BUT he's really cute, he's not a gentleman BUT he’s successful. Stop making the wrong exceptions when you already know that these are deal breakers for you. The more time you spend with Mr. Wrong is less time with Mr. Right.
Rule #5 - What a man believes is a direct reflection of how he lives his life and how he will treat you.
It is extremely important that you pay attention to the core of a man’s beliefs. For example, if he thinks that marriage is just a piece a paper and is only a governmental institution then why does he chose to have a driver’s license. Why not drive a car just because he knows how to and not be concerned about getting a license mandated by the government. My point, which translates to everything else that men do, men will do whatever they have to do when it is something or someone that they really want.
An example of this is a man that tells you that he was too busy to call you. However, this same man on that same “busy” day if randomly called by a radio station and told that he won free tickets to attend a sporting event for his sport of choice would leave work to make his way to pick them up. Men make time for what and who they really want. If you do not feel like he is making you a priority then the truth is that you are not.
Rule #4 - Your relationship with your future husband should be simple.
This rule is unfortunately not as self explanatory as it should be. If you are having an argument on your third date, if you have to get to the point where you feel like you have to bring up the marriage conversation or the where do you see us going conversation, if he has already checked your cell phone before he’s met your parents…things like this are all signs that he is not the one.
Your relationship with your future husband should be simple, effortless, easily communicative, fun and most of all every step should be initiated by the man. If a man feels the way that he should about you he should be deathly afraid to let you slip through the cracks from fear that another man will take his place. For this reason he should be eager to see you, talk to you, care that your head actually made it to the pillow at night and progressively move the relationship along. You should be having fun.
Rule #3 - Never sleep with a man before you marry him.
This rule is the toughest rule to follow but the most important. I'm not preaching anything I haven't done myself. I wasn't always religious and what do you know that out of all of my serious relationships the man I did not have sex with before marriage is now my husband!
Here is my analogy. Let's say a man goes to the grocery store. He's hungry and as soon as he gets there he's offered a free hamburger, most men would accept this and take a bite/eat it. Now that he's full he has absolutely no need to buy anything. The next day since he didn't buy anything the day prior he walks into the same store hoping for another free meal and again he is offered a free hamburger only this time it already has a bite taken out of it...most men though hungry will decline the free already bitten burger and continue into the store, take out his wallet and buy his own bread versus eating a burger already bitten by someone else.
Just in case you didn't get the analogy this is how men see women. They do not want to be with the bitten hamburger, they will not buy something when they can get something for free and the most important lesson is that they will not plan for the future if they are satisfied today. Translation…they do not want a woman that has been with several men, they will not settle down with a woman that gives herself away freely and most important there is no need to plan a future with you when everything they should be working towards in the future they are already getting. How different the world would be if people received rewards before they did the work.
Would you think it made sense to give someone a college degree and then ask them to take the classes, give a store/restaurant your money before you eat, then why give away something so special to you before you make him demonstrate that he is worth it.
Rule #2 - Make sure that you are really looking for a husband.
Let’s be honest. There are tons of women who want to find that perfect man but if he was put right in your lap you would mess it up as quickly as he was presented to you. Some of you were presented the opportunity to meet your future husband but you had a one night stand with him and moved on or you met him at a party where you got too drunk and he was turned off or you are a professional business woman and you were asked out and you treated him like it would be tough to fit him into your busy schedule so he moved on to the another business professional that understands work/life balance.
"When you say that you are looking for a husband, then make sure that you act like it."It’s a tough lesson to learn but I actually think that it is a leading cause of why so many women who are in the “I am just having fun” or the “my career is everything” epidemic remain single later in life. You may compromise your chance at a perfect match. So when you say that you are looking for a husband then make sure that you act like it.
Rule #1 - Check yourself.
Ask yourself the question “Would I marry someone like me?” This is a tough thing to do but you have to be honest with yourself. If you don’t even like you then why would someone else. Are you a nice person, are you caring, are you understanding, do you know how to compromise, do you know when/how to take a back seat, do you know when/how to take charge, do you know how to cook, etc and I can go on. Yes a lot of those seem old fashioned to some but what women of today do not realize that a lot of the qualities of what is considered the “old-fashioned” woman are qualities that reduce the risk of error in other areas.
For example, a woman that does not know how to cook with a man that does not know how to cook leads to tons of money spent on pre-made foods/meals, this could lead to an enormous dinning out budget which could lead to a strain on finances and soon to follow arguments and fights. If there are things that you don’t like about yourself, work on these things now as they will only be exacerbated when you are in a relationship.
I challenge you to write a profile about yourself. List your best characteristics, your worse characteristics, what you like to do/hobbies and a brief paragraph about yourself. Sometimes it is already obvious that you don’t like what you see but if not then give it a few days and then revisit and read your profile. Would you want to date you?
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