Sometimes, a girlfriend can solve all your problems

[thatlonelyguy123]

Do you know that stereotypical awkward, lonely, nervous, shy average guy? Yup, that's me. As a result of bullying in my childhood, I became a prime example of that stereotype, and the consequence? 20 years of loneliness and rejection. Even though I had awesome friends, there was always something(or someone) lacking in my life. I was feeling a massive void, but I didn't know where it was coming from.

Some time passed, all my friends got a girlfriend and I suddenly realized what was missing in my life. But things never went my way, it's just like I was The thought of having a girlfriend was always in the back of my mind, although I could hide it very well. Literally everytime I saw a girl, I immediately thought about relationship possibilities(cringeworthy, I know). My dreams mostly consisted of having a girlfriend, kissing a girl and holding her in my arms. Everytime I liked a girl, I immediately gave up, I was always rejected, there was no way that someone could have a crush on me. I cried, I gave up on life, my grades, motivation and overall happiness dropped considerably. Then I decided to go to the internet for advice, only to be told that "if you're not happy by yourself, you won't be happy in a relationship", "a girlfriend will not solve all your problems", "if you're lonely, having a girlfriend won't fix anything", "fix yourself, then look for a girlfriend", "you won't find anyone if you keep on going like that". I immediately regretted the decision of coming to the internet, as they think that everything is completely linear. The belief that I was going to die alone and never loved was starting to consume me thanks to these words.

I was never active on Twitter, I only created one because a friend of mine said it was a cool way to meet new people. He was right. I got some new friends, since my old ones were too busy with their relationships or getting into new ones for the sake of it. In one particular twitter meeting, my friend saw the girl I had a crush on and decided to be my wingman. He introduced me to her, while I was like "I have nothing to lose. I'm always rejected and this time isn't going to be different". Despite all of this, I joked about her hair looking like a cartoon character's, in an attempt to flirt with her. She laughed at my joke. Eventually, we started being good friends, but obviously I wanted way more than that, but even with failure in the back of my mind, I started giving signs that I was interested. Turns out that she was also "watching" me the whole time. We started dating in August, and it's been what I always wanted: someone who I love and loves me back, someone who thinks I'm special, someone who accepts my insecure side and works with me to overcome our flaws as people.

Since she walked into my life, my self-confidence grew immensely, my motivation has never been this high, my grades are as high as they should be. My life is basically perfect right now, all because of her. Finally, I have someone who I love and loves me back, someone who loves me for who I am, who I can hug and kiss and share my life with.

My point is: sometimes, a girlfriend CAN solve ALL your problems. It can give you just the motivation, confidence and love that you need to be happy. Paraphrasing The Beatles: sometimes, love is all you need.

[Suhmer]

Wrong pal. I'm sorry, but you've set yourself up for a downfall.

As someone who bases their happiness on how much attention I'm getting from men I feel like I'm in a place to tell you, and I'm not saying I'm above you because it's really hard and I suffer from it too.

But please, never ever ever leave your happiness dependant on another person. (Like Anonymous (30-35) "Yes this is true." did).
Seriously.

A metaphor I realised was, if another person is the foundation of your happiness. When they leave... What will happen? When that foundation goes you will just FALL. Relationships very rarely last forever. People always leave, move on, grow apart etc.
You have put yourself in a place where if you do leave her, you will feel 10x worse than before. Because all of that will come back PLUS the hurt of having lost it. Previously you just didn't know what it was like. But this time you will.
Seriously, it is SOOOO important to be happy in yourself first. And thats because before you can start being happy with someone else, you NEED to have strong foundations first.
This is a lesson I've learnt and I think it's important for others to realise it too.

Also, another big thing to be wary of is what I did. No men wanted a relationship with me, only casual... And it crushed my self esteem. So the first guy who wanted a relationship with me.. I rushed into it. It lasted 2 years. I rushed into it with the wrong person, because at the time it was the only person. Sure, it was happy for awhile. But then those red flags that I ignored at the start all cropped back up again. You can push things under the rug but they will ALWAYS find a way back out. And if I hadn't ignored them, the same problems that led to the break up... I would have saved myself all that wasted time. Which I'm so annoyed I wasted...

But yeah. Just be careful. Other people are never the answer, because the only person in the world who will always be there for you is YOU. No one else.

[stegocanop]

Amen. In addition, you're putting a huge pressure on another person if they know how they changed your life, that's another thing to consider. One of my female friends used to date a guy who was suicidal and depressed before he met her, and then she turned his life around. And she stayed with him for many months even after she fell out of love because she felt responsible for how she made him feel and still deeply cared about him, and didn't want him to go back to being miserable and suffer. It's unfair to expect your partner to solve all your problems, unfair both to you and to them. That's why people say that you have to deal with them first before getting a boyfriend/girlfriend. But good for you that you found your happiness OP, what's important is that you learn not to rely on your girlfriend to feel that way.

[Suhmer]

@stegocanop yeahh.

My mum has broken up with 2 guys in the past, my step-dad she left because he used to tell her she was the only reason he was happy. She said she couldn't deal with that, and such dependence was a major turn off, so she ended it.

[Suhmer]

@asker

"Codependent relationships are a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."

[thatlonelyguy123]

I totally understand what you're trying to say, but you kinda missed the point. My point was: if you live your life being a loser, the first time you succeed changes your outlook on yourself. I didn't believe I could be special to anyone, yet someone proved me wrong and I now have faith in myself, which in turn will stick with me until I die.

I don't continuously depend on someone, my self-confidence just needed a trigger, I just needed someone to believe in myself like no one ever did before, and now I have just what I need to be a confident, motivated person. Regardless of the duration of this relationship, my self-esteem won't be affected, since I don't continuously depend on it.

But I completely understand what you're trying to say.

[Suhmer]

@thatlonelyguy123 yeah, I mean tbh. I was insecure before my first relationship because like I said everyone wanted casual. And tbh you're right, even though the relationship was terrible and a waste of 2 years... I do feel better that at least someone DID want a relationship.
Although since I've only encountered casual again but you're right, its still kinda helped with not feeling so bad about it

[Azara]

@stegocanop

depending on people for your life and happiness, is not the same as finding a person that believes in you and supports you. thats valuable experience you carry with you even after breaking up. bad experience is valuable as well, but in a different way. you learn what you dont want.

what you're calling mistakes is life lessons. expecting things to fall into place and beating yourself up when they dopnt seems to be an issue for you., not relying on people, but not allowing life to be messy.

its natural for people to bond. you have praetors till you're an adult then friends plus a sex drive-= relationship in some form.

people are so obsessed with the idea of liking yourself first as if anyone exists independent of other people. we dopnt. its an illusion. its just a question of are the people you rely on people you know well like respect care for, or are they virtual strangers. humans are not 'independent'. its just not how we got here or how we survive. lone individual is -

[Azara]

@stegocanop

is only a 'thing' because its not our natural state.

like the 'lone wolf' . wolves are social and actually court each other and have life long relationships as well as similar to friends family aunts uncles raising kids.

lone wolf is a thing because the wolf is searching for its mate. people use the expression as a thing in itself , like they do with people. humans are social they exist in communities with constant relationships. just not necessarily quality they'd prefer.

having a girlfriend or boyfriend as apposed to getting drink or having out with friends or reading books some other person wrote watching movies other people are in going on walks in parks people built, traveling to places where you meet new people, spending extra time at work where other people work.. whatever people do to fill in voids involves people.

you can be happy with yourself before a relationship then get unhappy or vice versa. there's no guarantee in life except birth and death.

[Azara]

no point waiting for perfection.

and certainly if a person doesn't want a relationship of a certain kind they should abstain. but if someone wants a girlfriend or boyfriend to help cheer them yup, well so be it. there are worse things and dependency does not appear or disappear by being or not being in a relationship. humans are dependent creatures. each experience helps us learn about the types of dependency we flourish within and what kinds limit us. but there's no 'be alone until'... its all one form of relationship over another., when people say wait its because they are trying to get a good score on the test of relationships. its got nothing to do with practicality. you learn about relationships and yourself IN relationships not by auditioning for them. or trying to get a perfect score. life messy its never 'independent'.

[thatlonelyguy123]

@Azara you just complemented my Take. Thank you very much!
I seriously couldn't said it better! Thank you!

[Suhmer]

@Azara never saw this comment, yes I agree there is nothing wrong with it UP UNTIL YOU LOSE IT. it is almost inevitable that you'll lose them, and if you're not ok with being independent you will just fall apart when you lose them

[MusicMayhem]

Thank you for posting this, it annoys me so much when people say that you have to love yourself first. I have similar problems, being shy, closed off from others, social anxiety and depression to boot as well. I may not be good at liking myself, but that just makes me better at being good with others. Seeing them happy as a result of my actions (to a degree) can in turn, make me more content with myself. Win-win.

[Kirah]

Nice myTake.

The people who say "if you aren't happy alone, you won't be happy in a relationship" have never been single for very long. Cuddling and sex are essentially basic human needs, and you can get depressed if you go too long without. Ask anyone who's been single for longer than 5 years. Anyone who says they can go like 10 years without any kind of cuddling are deluding themselves.

[dudeman]

if you need a hug hug your mom. you dont need to be in a relationship thats just a sign of insecurity

[Kirah]

@dudeman my mother passed away, so that's a no-go.

Physical contact releases oxytocin, which is beneficial for your well-being. Going a very long time without some sort of sex or cuddling will cause depression-like symptoms, and the only cure is getting a relationship, or some kind of arrangement like "cuddle buddies".

[Transigence]

@dudeman That's a pretty shitty dismissal.

[dudeman]

@Transigence its a valid dismissal

[DBAOracle]

I'm sorry to hear that your mother has passed. Surprised no-body else said this...

[Kirah]

@DBAOracle thanks for the kind words.

Also are you a database administrator by any chance? Your name seems to indicate that. Just curious. :P

[DBAOracle]

@Kirah haha yes, good observation, you're the first one that noticed. :D

[Anonuser2020]

If a guy is rough around the edges and is open to growth then a girlfriend will improve his life, otherwise she won't be able to. When I met my ex he was struggling to find what he wanted to do in life. He would always complain about financial/living situation and I tried my best to help him (I would always encourage him when he had different ideas for careers). He didn't like when I would give him ideas because I don't mess around and if I don't like something I will do my best to get out of that situation. My ex was not willing to change, although he wanted a better life (something he would benefit from, no matter who he will end up w/). When I tried to sit down and talk to my concerns about his career situation he told me I was being mean. At this point I had been w/him almost a year and always showed a great deal of care for him. People need to be open in order for other people to make positive changes in their life.

[TheGuyFromMiddleEast]

Exactly. Same here, after four years of intense misery, I thought I had a girl I was dating last month, and it was all different. I was seriously content after four years of complete misery. If she became my girlfriend, I would be way happier, content and heck, even normal right now.

[abundantlyrich]

Hmm I know my neighbour, she's an elderly lady, single her whole life but she has lots of friends to keep her life busy. Died at 70.

So I don't know what the fuck, the other user is talking about. A relationship has no guarantee on the happiness of a person's future.

[thatlonelyguy123]

It's like a college degree: it's way better to have one (in a prominent field/with a good person)

[Todiebyyourside]

"Sometimes, a girlfriend can solve all your problems" - Yes I agree for as long as the relationship lasts and then when it ends you'll be back to square one. A relationship will merely paper over the cracks, it won't fill those cracks in.

[Dousj]

I can agree, everyone needs that one person who helps get them to better themselves.

[Anonymous]

Yes this is true. I remember back when my ex and I were together, everyone commented on how much happier and confident I was. Then she cheated on me, dumped me, stole from me, and I haven't been the same since.

[GreatnessPersonified]

TL:DR
The right girl can solve some of your problems? No shit!!
That's common knowledge, brother.
The problem is finding the right one and not any chick.

[JustinX9]

Story of my life except for the bully, dropped grades. But true for lack of motivation and happiness specially the girlfriend part... good thing u found one... I think I don't need a girlfriend to be happy

[Anonymous]

You just got lucky, mate. Not everyone can be so. Girls just REFUSE to date guys who are not-good looking, not rich, or both.

[Anonymous]

I couldn't agree more dude