People say that love at first sight doesn’t exist and maybe they’re right.
We’re told that this is a shallow concept and that only beautiful people find themselves the object of such affections. Those of us who’ve claimed to have experienced these feelings are told that this kind of love is based upon the attraction of external appearance. We’re told that these feelings are merely a rush of sexual desire and are based on wishful thinking and imagination rather than being grounded in reality. That’s the psychology behind it anyway and perhaps these people are correct; maybe I was just a shallow dreamer that day I stepped into the elevator at work but I know what I felt and I know it cannot be so easily explained.
He was (still is) middle aged and ordinary looking. He’s not the most physically beautiful man I’ve ever met, his then 36 years to my 24, he was the polar opposite of what I should have been looking for in a man, physically at least. It was never really about how he looked though I certainly always found him physically attractive enough. I cannot explain what I felt, nor can I form a clear description for what exactly happened when I first laid eyes on him, that is, other than ‘love at first sight’.
My eyes widened, my heart seemed to stop beating, my palms sweated; I was suddenly so nervous and hyper aware of myself. Did I remember to put deodorant on this morning? Why am I sweating so much? It was both a euphoric and unpleasant feeling but besides the sudden awareness of myself, I could feel the air around us shift and change. It was a crackle of energy; it felt like there was lightning all around me. I could not explain it but it enveloped us the entire time I knew him. When we met, when we touched, when we argued – this lightning was always around me and him.
The elevator seemed to take an age to reach the fifth floor but once it did, he turned to me and smiled as he gestured that I be the first to leave. Heavily blushing as I did, I hurried at once to remove myself from the situation as quickly as I could and get to my station.
I worked in the catering department and he was a manager in the call centre – in all the time we worked together, he had no reason to be in my space so much but he found any and all he could. ‘I’m just making coffee’, ‘I’m just checking this’, ‘I’m just seeing what’s on the lunch menu’. All excuses to be there. He’d make fun of me and flirt and I’d try to pretend like there wasn’t that lightning between us, like my skin wasn’t glowing with the energy he lit inside me. I would try my best to ignore him, pretend like I wasn’t interested. He’d casually ask my boss ‘So if Bonnie got taken on a date, where would she like to go?’, knowing full well I just pretending I wasn't listening.
He wasn’t shy about making it known he was interested. I was a dork, stood there in my unflattering catering uniform, hadn’t dated anyone in 3 years and he made me feel attractive again, he made me feel special. I didn’t care when everyone was talking about us. I didn’t care that people asked me why I was with ‘an old man’ (their words, not mine). He wasn’t old to me. I didn’t care about his age, I was too in love with all the parts he was made of and what we had together had its beauty. But as beautiful as lightning is, it is also dangerous and in the end he fought me just as hard as I loved him.
You can call this a crush, you can call it chemistry or you can call it sexual desire but I know how hard and fast I fell for this man. Whether it’s written in the stars or it is merely your brains chemicals reacting to certain triggers, I know I experienced something with him that I have never experienced with another person. My heart just knew that he was my person, from the moment I laid eyes on him, he was my addiction. I craved the feeling he gave me and I chased the storm that was our relationship for 8 tumultuous months. What I did learn is that whether you believe in love at first sight or not, experiences like this are rare and that lightning never strikes in the same place twice.
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