Girls, younger sister is dating much older man, should I intervene or not?

[BronzedAdonis]

My younger sister is 20 and got a job as a café waitress. I recently found out she's going on a date with a regular customer a 42 y/o man.

1) Should I be concerned with that age gap? Is it normal or fishy?
2) As her elder brother, is it acceptable for me to intervene or not? Is that within the bounds of acceptability? Should I totally stay out of it?

What should I do (if anything)

[Idonthaveausername]

Young women dating older men is extremely common, although it does increase the risk of developing relationship issues and divorce. There isn't anything inherently wrong with your sister being attracted to an older man, but there is something wrong if he starts to take advantage of her or use her. You'll have to asses the situation before stepping in. Take a little bit of time to observe their interactions first

Are they in a relationship or just going out on a date? If they're in a relationship and his behavior is concerning, you have every right to bring up a conversation about it. You can ask your sister about the situation and see what her intents are. If she's a mature girl, then this may work out, but if not, she's probably doomed. If you do bring it up, don't attack her about it, and don't insult the guy because that could ruin your relationship with her instead

If they haven't gone on the date yet, you don't need to worry yet. Give it some time for her to see if she actually likes the guy or not and to see how he treats her. If she decides she doesn't like him, then you don't have to worry about it

I'm only a year older than your sister and more attracted to guys 10-20 years older than me than I am to guys my age (but I've never dated anyone). This is because I find the maturity and self-confidence that older men have to be more attractive. I work full-time and have my own place, so I'm not compatible with a 21-year old boy who lives with his parents and plays video games all day. That's the kind of thing you need to take into consideration with this kind of situation

[Idonthaveausername]

Just wanted to update this answer. I'm now seeing a man I've been interested in for a couple of months who is 30 years old. He did a lot of dumb things when he was younger, so I'm sure if my brother knew him in highschool, I definitely wouldn't have his approval. But he saw enough people get killed and was pronounced dead for 4 minutes, so things rattled him up enough for him to completely turn his life around

We have the same kind of work ethic and both are looking at marriage end result (we just started dating, but it's important to know that we're both taking this seriously). Even though he speaks broken English, it's really easy for us to talk to each other, and we clicked on day one, it just took a couple of months for us to decide to actually go out

Yes we have different life experiences due to our ages and countries we grew up in, but things feel really good between us. (And kissing him is amazing! I never knew it could be so good)

[Tephra]

If it bothers you that much, you should know she will get defensive about it. However you should mention you have her best interests at heart and you only want whats best for her. Ask her to explain why she chooses to date this guy and if he makes her happy.

Honestly I would make her question herself about where things go with this guy rather than you saying "This guy is too old for you.. his not right and its not right to be dating someone older". Reword your questions to make her reflect on what she's doing

[BronzedAdonis]

thanks, appreciated. Regarding question 1, their respective ages, whats your take on it?

[Tephra]

Depends on the person; younger people can relate to older people well because they have "old souls", I think if they can get along well and understand each others differences then I think its okay. But its still alittle weird. Personally I wouldn't date a guy older than 22-23 years of age, 42 is waaay out of range.

[natured]

It's normal that you want to protect your little sister, in this case it might backfire and she will tell you that she is old enough to do whatever she wants to. So it all depends on how YOU want to talk with her and the way you manage your WORDS and TONE... it's important that she does not feel attacked by you.
Talk to her, tell her she should be careful and that you will be there no matter what, also feel free to tell her your opinion and that she should think about this.

Good luck <3

[BronzedAdonis]

thanks. what do you make of the situation more generally?

[natured]

What do you mean?

[Wonderer89]

You could ask her about it, just out of interest and without judgement but I think that's really the limit.
If you go in too hard she's just going to get defensive and angry, which will make her hide anything to do with him.
I don't think it's appropriate to intervene, as she's an adult and can make her own choices no matter how questionable

[BronzedAdonis]

thanks, appreciated. Regarding question 1, their respective ages, whats your take on it?

[Wonderer89]

Eh it's a bit odd. Is she particularly mature for her age? Is it just a bit of fun or are they looking at a serious relationship?

[BronzedAdonis]

she acts like a typical 20 y/o girl. I think she wants something long term (she's that type). she seems very keen on him, very seen her like his

[Wonderer89]

I'd maybe just ask some guided questions... it's better to be a mirror than a hammer and her thinking about things could make decisions easier.
Has he been married before? Has he got children? If she's interested in things like travel would be willing to go with her even if she's already been? What do they have in common? Just that kind of thing

[JellyfishTamer]

First of all, that is definitely not normal. That's actually kind of creepy. Second of all, as her brother and someone that she loves you DEFINITELY are allowed to intervene! Sometimes you can't tell whether or not a relationship is healthy, and you need someone close to you to tell you that. So yes, please intervene.

[mooky06]

Just tell her that you're concerned (just give her a heads up). If she wants to ask you for anything.. allow her too. Don't intervene though. That WILL stress her out AND the brotherly/sisterly bond you guys have also will deteriorate

[BronzedAdonis]

thanks. what do you make of the situation more generally?

[mooky06]

Well older men dating younger women is common. You have to suss this dude out, see what he's intentions are with her and so forth. He could genuinely really care for your sister and vice versa. Or he is just having fun and nothing between them is serious. Can't really know that till you have a meet and greet with him

[Topaz171]

It's ok to be concerned but I don't think you should intervene. If anything, talk to her about it and say you want what's best for her. Just don't be harsh about it.

[BronzedAdonis]

thanks. what do you make of the situation more generally?

[Topaz171]

Well I can relate. My dad is in the same situation with his girlfriend that's 8yrs older than me. I wasn't comfortable with it because she's old enough to be my sister, but she acts mature for her age and he loves her. I talked to him about it, and he understood just fine

[ambertaylor]

Keep an eye on her, there's no harm in just telling her that you're concerned and to be careful. Don't intervene else she might push you away, I would trust your instincts with the guy, make your presence known if you feel he's of bad character.

[2365gof]

I would be concerned for her.
It is important not go 'all guns blazing' and tell her she shouldn't see him, cause most people dont like this approach and it only makes them want to see this guy more.
The better approach would be to talk to her, find out more about him and what she claims to see in him. Then if you can ask to meet him, in person to see what he like. I am a big believer in instinct and hopefully if you meet him and he doesn't seem right then you can do something more.

[SarahsSummer]

You can't intervene on another adults romantic life unless you know of some form of abuse. You can tell her your concerns but an intervention may be a bit much. she's a grown up.

[fauchelevent]

1. It's a little odd and it's okay to be concerned.
2. You should stay out of it. It's her dating life which really isn't anyone's business but hers and his.

[Sparklegemz]

You could at least try to have a nice chat with her about it..

[BronzedAdonis]

what should I say?

[Sparklegemz]

Asking how serious the two of them?