Bedtime is the worst, craving her touch and comforting feel.
Waking from broken sleep feeling forlorn and alone with this song haunting me.
It is worse on days on occasion; New Years day would have been our 25 year wedding anniversary if our marriage hadn't of ended in its 23rd year.
I rang her, talking freely for two hours, laughing, immersing in each other. Wanting her to invite me back, or asking her too. My natural directness stymied by knowing it would never be forthcoming and deep down acknowledging the sands of time had run out on our union.
The split was coming after honestly admitting we would always love each other but were no longer in love. We could exist on this by embracing memories, desperately hoping they would be the reality once more. But, knowing the magic between two resembles lightning in a bottle, rare, fleeting, once gone, never returning. Staying together, living in hope only ends in feeling quiet desperation with us both too passionate as individuals and respectful towards each other to chance this.
As amicable as a breakup gets with this in a surreal manner making it so hard. For it makes you question the why, and your part in it, racking your brain for the reasons but never finding them. If it had of been because of a betrayal such as cheating, or the like, the short-term pain would have been palpable but the long term holds not so gripping.
In the direct aftermath, I felt in a daze, completely devastated on a level like I was about to die as a result of a broken heart. Always betraying my real feelings when friends or loved one asked how I was, being so 'male' in my response by saying I was 'fine.'
Cowardly running away into seclusion, fleeing our Wales and Irish homes by taking a teaching contract in Australia. Letting down my three children, losing their respect as they were as much in need of their father to reconcile their grief over their parents splitting. Failing in a personal vow made, to never do anything to leave my kids damaged.
Looking back, they were the innocent victims forced to carry crosses like kids always do during break ups.
The now still about escaping the past. Fully reconciling the grief, trying to live once more and rather than merely surviving trying to embrace the pursuit of happiness by putting her legacy in proper context. Appreciating the place she had in my life, but no longer letting it impact and govern me in the now.
My goal in 2016, and beyond.