I met him in college -- 6 years ago now. Fast forward a few years and I found myself working at the same company as he was -- I remember him from college, he was a year a head of me. He was mysterious, and had a man bun. He looked like he should front a grungy garage band. He was handsome in my eyes. When I met him again a few years later, nothing had changed.
I finally made an excuse for him to come over to my place. "To fix a door handle", which he did, but he didn't leave immediately after. I made a huge pot of tea and we spent the night watching Downton Abbey. Before we knew it, it was 2am. He says to me, "Was this your plan all along?" I didn't say anything, it was obvious. I told he could spend the night if he wanted.
We went to bed, and I asked him if he was comfortable. He wasn't sure. He told me that he doesn't really do relationships,and that "I'm the last person he wanted to hurt." I said that was okay, if he didn't want to do anything then that's okay. So I rolled over and away from him. He brings me closer, and says to me "Oh but I do". That's when we kissed, and cuddled the rest of the night. Naturally we hooked up the next morning.
I wasn't actually expecting to hang out with him after that night, but that was okay, I had him for one night and I would take that with me. But the next day he says "I had a wonderful time with me, and would like to do it again." He invited me to his place the next night.
This went on for almost three months. We'd spend evenings at each others places. We'd cook dinner, watch a movie, play boardgames, it was wonderful really. I was comfortable around him and throughly enjoyed his company. After a few weeks he asked me if I was seeing anyone else, and I said no.
Work was fun with him too. Flirting, sneaking a kiss every so often.
So I guess we were a thing?
Then, in the last few weeks he seems to have withdrawn himself from me. I can't decide if I did anything to offend him, or he just decided to check out -- or maybe something else entirely. I was dealing with some family stress a few weeks ago -- which I'll admit, when I'm stressed I tend to push people back a bit. But nothing was the same between us after that week.
The flirting at work stopped, and he doesn't seem as comfortable around me as he once was. I try and flirt with him -- smile at him, graze his arm and back. We haven't hung out in a about two weeks, and I really want to ask him back over but I'm hesitant. I really felt we had some connection together, and I miss him so much. I feel like he felt something too. Even thought he claims he doesn't do relationships, he still kept asking to see me.
Anyways, I can only assume that this is over, and it's just as hard as if it were with a long term partner.
I don't really know what to do about him either. I'm hesitant to talk to him about it all.
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When a man tells you that he does not do relationships, listen to him. I am one of the those guys...
There is a girl at work that I really like but I had to regain control. I no longer flirt but she still seems interested. I also told her that I don't do relationships. The difference is that I would resist hanging out with her.
You said..
''in the last few weeks he seems to have withdrawn himself from me. I can't decide if I did anything to offend him, or he just decided to check out -- or maybe something else entirely. ''
''He told me that he doesn't really do relationships...''
Regardless of the reasons, it will always come back down to that.
Then why would he bother leading me on for so long? I did say to him that if he didn't want up be with me than that'd be okay. Why would he bother asking if I was seeing anyone else ATM too?
Also, I don't know how to act when I'm around him anymore. Cold? Friendly? Snobby? I don't know. I feel so let down, yet I should have taken the hint from the start -- but like I said he kept wanting to see me so you can see my confusion.
He wasn't leading you on, he just lacks self control. It's when he regains it that you notice because he withdraws. The difference between me and him is that I have the self control. I wouldn't have come over to ''fix your door handle'', or if I did, that would be all I'd fix and then would be on my way.
This guy doesn't want attachment or commitment, but when pressed, he doesn't have the full control that is necessary when you make these life decisions.
In your case, either you thought things would be different after hooking up, didn't care in the moment, or subconsciously you hoped what he said was just a front.
The best way to act is simply professional. Also, you need to start owning your actions. ''He lead me on'', saying that solves nothing. You need to own your part.
I do certainly own up to perusing him even after what he said.
This whole situation just seriously sucks
So here's what happened. I re download tinder about two weeks ago -- when I was feeling certain he wasn't into me anymore. I don't even know why I did tbh. Anyways, I guess I matched with a friend of his and of course he told. So he assumed I also wasn't into him anymore.
Then, I said that's not true at all, but you did say to me you don't really do relationships. Little did I know he meant "I don't do relationships WELL"
So then I made my argument that he didn't seem attentive or really that into it. So then i spilled my feelings for him, but he ended up saying that maybe it's for the best, he doesn't really know what he wants anyways.
But yah, maybe it is overall for the best.
I don't even know why I downloaded tinder in the first place. I wasn't looking for a hook up.
"I don't do relationships WELL" and ''I don't do relationships'' amount to the same thing anyway. The difference is that one phrase keeps a slight glimmer of ''hope'', and the other doesn't. Both end the same way so it doesn't matter.
Maybe you downloaded tinder due to boredom, or a subconscious void. Most women use tinder to get attention and feel good about themselves from all of the matches and contact.
So I decided to have this convo with him tonight.
He gave a long explanation about how he doesn't do relationships well/doesn't really know what he wants. (Which was obvious) As far as what I did he said, *"your apology is 100% accepted but not nessecary. You were not in the wrong. I gave a poor impression of what I wanted"* and then, *"despite being bad at relationships, I definitely don't like casual or open scenarios. It's possibly not fair to make the assumption of your feelings by you actively looking at other options -- but I find it hard to draw other conclusions"* then finished off by saying *"You're a babe, and I wish you well <3"*
He also said that if it wasn't for this scenario then it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways.
😒😒😒