One of the Worst Things To Do After a Break-Up

[BeeNee]

Break-ups are some of the worst experiences in life. They can often be like experiencing the loss of a loved one, except they are still very much alive, or they can be incredibly contentious and bitter and anger inducing such that you feel like you'll never again know peace in your life again. The minute they are over, you may swear on top of some dramatic mountain somewhere that by God, you will never ever ever date or marry again, but don't do it. Don't shut that door.

If running and hiding from life is the only take away lesson you've learned from a bad or failed relationship, you're missing out on that huge blinking red dot in life that should indicate to you that you're supposed to take life's unfortunate lessons and learn and grow from them. Rallying bitterly hard against every man and woman who ever lived because one disappointed you or made you feel the lowest you've ever felt is closing yourself off entirely to new experiences and new good people who have done none of that to you. It's like saying, I'll never ever travel again because you had one bad trip. Hey you, shit happens. Like every other shitty thing that happens to you, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start moving forward again.

I hate to break it to you, but you aren't punishing the world or gaming the system in choosing never to date or marry again; you're punishing yourself and relegating yourself to living a life devoid of even the possibility of love. Ouch. You're stuck in a time warp of what s/he did to you, said to you, how they hurt you, when s/he has also probably long ago moved on with their lives, because time doesn't stop and wait around for everything to be perfect for you again. You're wasting your life and your time re-living and rehashing old relationships in your past every second. I know it's tempting to think you can live in a hole and bury your head in the sand and nothing will ever hurt you again, but that's a very juvenile way of thinking about the world. We're all going to get hurt in life. You can't prevent that. You know the good in life because you also know the bad. You learn what you want and who you are from knowing what you dislike and don't want and from dealing others.

It's also a part of the ego to think that a relationship failed 100% because of the other person. A relationship takes two, and by not acknowledging that and choosing to just shut it all down and just blame the other person and the world at large for everything means you won't ever have the chance to be a better person for someone new or grow and learn from past mistakes. You'll just convince yourself, to yourself, that you are incapable of making mistakes or having the ability to fix them.

After a break up, take a friggin' minute to get your life back in order and just chill out for a bit and deal with the last one before even attempting something new because the wounds can be very raw at the beginning and its easy to only ever see the bad in situations or in people. Change your mindset to one where you know in your heart that you deserve love again in your life and stop thinking that a new great person can't possibly exist or that they should just be handed to you on a platter because you exist or because you had a bad relationship the universe somehow owes you with the next one. You have to try and fail and try and fail again like everyone else. The world is no more fair or unfair to you, than it is everyone else in the dating world, but you can find happiness again, you can date again, and you can find people that will help you to know love again.

[Idonthaveausername]

Love this so much! I feel like half the people on this site and anybody would identifies as MGTOW needs to read this and actually try to understand it

I see guys on here everyday try to act like they're punishing women by never dating again when the only people that punishes is themselves. If someone is going to have that kind of unhealthy mentality, they're actually saving the opposite sex from having to waste time and emotions on them. They're only hurting themselves by dwelling on something negative forever (one guy here has been dwelling on a woman who left him 30 years ago) and that's a long time to waste. They act like all relationship are terrible because they went through one bad one rather than learning from their mistakes to be able to make the next one work

Personally I don't fully understand why my ex cheated on me rather than just saying he couldn't live without sex from the beginning and not wasting our time (I told him I want to wait because I'm a virgin and don't want to rush into it and he tried to hookup with one of my hoe friends who ratted him out instead). But a couple years ago I had a girl who claimed she was psychic tell me my first love would be an asshole and that I had to go through him to get to "the one" after. I don't really believe in psychics, but I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecies, so maybe I really did have to go through him to not make the same mistakes again in picking the wrong type of guy for me (but he really was a convincing liar and had be convinced he was the right guy for me). Anyway, just because my first boyfriend cheated on me doesn't mean I have to accuse all men of being cheaters. I know plenty of them aren't, and I just have to have hope that I'll find one who is right for me

[BeeNee]

It's strange isn't it? The presumption made by these men and women is that "they" are some how the only people who have suffered greatly within the bounds of a relationship gone bad, and as a result feel the need to convince themselves to take it out on others, but the truth is how can you or I be affected by someone who is not even in the dating gene pool whom we don't even know exists, because they've taken themselves out? I'm not sitting here wondering what some random guy pouting about an old relationship is doing and neither are guys concerned about some girl who has sworn off men entirely. LIFE says so the F what. Time waits for no wo/man. Most of us have been hurt massively by a relationship or two, but we don't let it strangle our lives and turn us into bitter trolls about it and we certainly don't seek to blame the entire world for it, which indicates how juvenile, sad, and pathetic they are to blame people who have done nothing to them for their own problems in life.

[Idonthaveausername]

Agreed 100%! The best thing to do after a relationship is try to move on as quickly as possible in a healthy and positive manner. You'll be much better off in the long-run and, in the event you run into your ex, they'll be the one griping and moaning about things ending badly with you

I ran into my ex last night (he used to work at the club I go to, but then quit when I dumped him, but he still comes to try and get my attention back) and he was trying to make me jealous with this other girl (who was overweight, not very pretty, and had some awful moles on her back). He didn't even pay attention to her, was staring at me the whole night, and had the nerve to intentionally bump into me on the way out. He hadn't even told Anybody I broke up with him for 2 months and they started asking me if we were still together because I was obviously ignoring him

He isn't worth crying about. He can have that new hoe if he wants because she isn't making me jealous. And I'll have fun with my friends

[Blueeyes81]

After a breakup i take a good hard look at myself. I look for things that i could improve to be the best possible me that i can be. Basically just staying busy trying to make myself a better person. It took me a lot of years to get to this point. In my youth I'd become bitter and party like there was no tomorrow. Consequently it took me a lot longer to get over it than it does today.

[OlderAndWiser]

This is consistent with a myTake that I wrote about how to move forward after a break up:

www.girlsaskguys.com/.../a47122-breaking-up-you-may-want-to-die-but-you-won-t-so-do-yourself-a

[thatguyfromtoronto]

I would say have bad thoughts, be angry towards an entire gender or race and act as though your life is over. God puts us through tests and hardly anyone has ever had a story to say where they have never been heartbroken, I think we all have, at least once in our lives, yes, unfortunately, others get heartache more often than others and I agree that does suck.

It's fine if someone wants to sulk alone in their room or their apartment, order pizza and watch Netflix and not talk to anyone. But open the curtains on a day where the sun is shining, grab some weights, work out, go for a jog, grab a coffee outside and start getting into the habit of making your life better.

That person who broke your heart will not be your doctor or your psychologist because they probably don't care. The most they will offer is, "I hope he or she does well" and that's it, it is such a vague comment to make but this is why we have to realize that maybe happiness doesn't come from just being with someone. Obviously, to be loved for, cared for means a lot but not if it means being with someone who is focusing on their priorities in life.

A person who loves you will support you through your journey, this goes out there for girls/guys, men/women. Don't assume the guy you're with or the girl you're with is standing in your way of your dream. Unless they actually say, why are you doing this or that? But if they motivate you, support you, care about you? Don't assume, well I have to leave this person because I have to focus on my life and career. I see far too many people doing that.

No job is perfect and quite frankly jobs add much more stress, deadlines, bitchy managers, annoying colleagues, long commutes, thinking about the perfect outfit to wear for work 5 days a week (on average).

If the person you're with is very chill and down to earth and helps you during the bad times, that is someone you need to help you with through tough times and vice versa you will need to help them as well. That is my input about it.

[JudgmentDay]

Since I know that it is an absolute unavoidable risk in having relationships, and because of my absolutely unwillingness to ever involve myself in such risks, I have decided to remain single indefinitely long time ago. I realized that you can't have a break-up if you never involve yourself with anybody else at all. I've long shut the door without ever trying, and I don't believe in "love" once I recognize that it's not "unique", it's only there to keep us all from completely dying out as a species. I never had a relationship, and I see no point of pursuing one. I think some of us are really better off entirely on our own. And besides, to me, relationships, etc. are all just another form of coping mechanisms, something that we use or try to hold on to in order to fill that cold empty silent void knowing that our time will eventually be up in this world. Always trying to create a meaning, or some kind of hope to a meaningless void, it's completely futile to ever try and fill such a void, since it's inevitable either way.

On the bright side, I can still have a good laugh at it, that all this reality and existence really is completely a bad joke. What do you think @Unit1?

[Unit1]

I like how you described yourself to be the opposite of what the author has brought up with those benefits of never having a break up. Thus avoiding something like this in the first place 😀

[watercolor_lions]

I really liked what you said about "You're not punishing the world by not dating again--you're punishing yourself".

Really insightful, and very eye opening. I'll have to remember that for the next time I hear somebody say that.

[asdaven]

I disagree with the whole rebound thing people talk about. I've been a victim of being someones rebound. But, myself, I've been able to move on not right away but several weeks after someone breaking up with me and it not be a rebound. You have to convince yourself that your not replacing someone but moving on to something better. When you act like your replacing your ex, then it's a rebound. But, I also deal with stuff differently than most. Someone dies, breakups, those kinds of things, I take time to mourn but I also don't drag it out. I find I handle stuff best when I focus on getting things in my life back to normal as quickly as possible and accepting the situation at hand. As far as dating, this means getting back into the game. I've never treated anyone as a rebound before but many have with me.

[somewheresomeway]

After almost three years of anger, bitterness and trying to reconnect with my ex for closure reasons I ultimately forgave her for what she did to me (told me "tough luck" after I found out I had HPV right after we split).

In retrospect some of my attitude was justified, I had a woman that wanted to be mother of my children at point turn around and reject me as not as only a boyfriend, but as a human being (and there was no abuse/cheating on my part) but I did go way to far. If someone else hurts you it's okay to mourn, get angry/bitter, etc... but don't dwell on it. I found that forgiveness was the most powerful thing I could have done and wish I did it earlier.

[BeeNee]

Your ex sounded like a real gem (sarcasm), but bravo to you. I've said in the take, and I say and believe it in real life, that you do need a moment to mourn your last relationships. This take isn't about, next day, move on, everything will be great, but it is about people who hang on for years and years to anger and bitterness and think they can punish the world by not dating. That doesn't do anything but punish yourself and close the door on even the possibility of new experience with someone else and/or love with another. As you said, you should not dwell on it forever. Of course I'm sure you may think about her or the situation every once in a while, but I'm glad you are able to move forward and realize life goes on.

[somewheresomeway]

I met several people after I broke up with her and dated another young beautiful girl for 9 months (honest about the HPV issue... non issue for every girl I slept with since). But that memory had a dampener on the joy of meeting other people for a long time. I tried to bury it but the memory resurfaced when I got in a relationship with someone else. Just didn't trust anyone.

The shitty part was that when I broke up with my "gem" ex there was a feeling of mutual respect. She told me "don't be a stranger" and I needed my space too. However, she showed her true colors when I brought up the HPV issue (because I was sincerely concerned about her health... still loved her as a person).

In my final letter I owned up to what I did wrong. The relationship did end because of my behavior. But also pointed how deeply hurt I was about she treated me after the HPV issue. I then concluded that I completely forgave her. Since then I felt much better.

[ATuairiscean]

Yeah I like the take - Move on with positivity down whatever path you choose - If you surround yourself with negativity, you will give off negative vibes and it will make it harder for you to restart your life.

[FatherJack]

In my own case , now a FT working single dad for 2 years now after getting rid of my idle , complaining, unappreciative ex wife , I have simply lost the desire to ever date again , crave my alone " me time " far too much & the thought of even dating just has zero appeal to me. I am also aware that from a woman's POV , why would she pick a man with baggage , when she will have a ton of other options? Even after my 2 are grown up , I will be far too used to own company & like it too much & also too old anyway. A good take , however , well written !!

[BeeNee]

Thanks, I appreciate that. I will say though, that I've gone out with a divorce' even with these millions of options, lol. Didn't know this until 3 dates in, but was surprised because he didn't seem to harbor much resentment and was just happy to move on. It's in a way like dating anyone else who has come out of a long term relationship. It may be touchy here and there, but if they have a willingness to not cling desperately to their past and don't treat you as if you were their ex, but your own person, it's like a normal dating situation. I don't 'punish' other people for their failed relationships. It happens. Having the ability to move on though, in such positive ways, to want to love again and be connected again is very powerful if someone is willing to take that on. I hope you get that again, and if not, at least you don't seem like the type to blame everyone else for her issues.

[Alan180188]

worst thing is a rebound relationship, especially if the girl was nice you'll get attached fast and develop feelings and get in it fast and deep then after a while when you satisfy your emotional needs and gaps you'll wake up searching for an exit and will end up breaking that girl's heart, and turning a good person bad !

[bloodmountain1990]

I agree that you shouldn't generalize an entire gender as bad just from one guy/girl, but from my experience, I would argue that the worst thing you could do is rebound.

It won't help you and it isn't fair to the other person. It won't help you get over the ex and you're just using the other end.

I've been someone's rebound which led me to rebound from being a rebound. Horrible spot to be in.

[bloodmountain1990]

just using the other person*

[lord_chilled]

True.
However , i think its good for everyone to have a timeout from dating after breaking up.
Ifk what to say to girls, but to guys. The best thing to do is to go to the gym. Nothing can get you over the loss of confidence and happiness from loss or rejection more than seeing new layers of muscle on your biceps and pecs.
Getting bigger and stronger will make you feel pretty manly again

[just_wondering_01]

I think its normal to swear off the opposite sex after a breakup. Many say it will be forever but how often is that the case? It's just the grief talking, nothing to take to heart

[CubsterShura]

I actually decided to date no more because I'm getting more religious and I'm convinced that I shouldn't date before marriage.

[CubsterShura]

By that i mean, once I'm grown up and ready for marriage, then I'll go out on dates with men and decide with whom I'd like to tie the knot. Till then, I'm enjoying being single.

[SammyL]

Do whatever you are comfortable with. Trying to make a mature, well-thought out choice of partner is a good idea. Figure out what you want to do with your life before trying to find someone to share that life with you.

[CubsterShura]

@SammyL Exactlyyyy.

[Unit1]

Hahahaha. You have just described half of the MGTOW.
And here i am never having had a girlfriend in my life. Not even a female being interested in me 😅
That's my life.

[Tasos96]

I like how the take said "the world isn't any more fair or unfair to you than anyone else in the dating world" and then there was me thinking yes it is more unfair on me since no girl has ever loved me or even been remotely interested in me. Oh well I guess one of those guys who'll die single

[Unit1]

@Tasos96 that's me too mate. I never had any girl being interested in me. We'll just go with the flow in life wherever the stream sends us to. We're getting older however. Our virginity or never having had a girlfriend status however won't be going anywhere.

[Silver158]

What do you guys mean by a girl has never been interested in you?

[Unit1]

@Silver158 exactly this. No girl wants us. We're invisible to the women.

[Silver158]

Are you sure? Because while you do get the forward ones who will come up and chat to you (or the variation of this who will stare hard, almost creepy stare), most tend to give subtle glances or will stare from a distance and look away when you notice (or will even stand behind you staring). It can be hard to pick up on if you don't know what you're looking for

[Unit1]

@Silver158 to my awareness there have not been any of such cases.

[Tasos96]

@Silver158 So are supposed to just randomly cold approach girls? I know that girls that don't know us wouldn't approach but you'd hope that some girl that's a friend of a friend would be somewhat interested but it just never seems like that. I also read a statistic that 70% of marriages and relationships come from common friends and the other 30% from online dating. So cold approach doesn't seem to lead to anything and is quite awkward especially in countries that aren't as advanced as the US, UK etc. In a lot of countries cold approaching is weird as fuck. So I honestly have no idea how to change this awful situation

[Tasos96]

*are we

[Silver158]

@Tasos96 You don't "cold approach" if a girl has given you signals before hand. Cold approaching much like Cold calling implies that you're looking to generate interest before there's any interest present. If a girl has given you a signal there's already a base interest there. So you're not cold approaching.

As for those statistics, you'll find that the reason for that is it's because it provides an easier more relaxed way of getting to know someone else. Plus usually when these people meet these common friends, it's at a party or dinner so there's usually alcohol involved which helps further relaxation. It's an easier environment than that of a club or bar and also gives you basic opener like "so how do you know?"

[Tasos96]

@Silver158 Ok so what signals are you talking about and how can I identify them? Also what if I never get the signals that you're talking about? Sorry for the rain of many questions

[Silver158]

@Tasos96 See my message above where I talk about glances. and stuff. A Smile is also good.

[Tasos96]

@Silver158 Yeah these things never happen to me unfortunately. For the last year I've tried to make more eye contact as I used to be super shy and not make eye contact ever, and in general I try to look out for these things but they never seen to happen. If once a year something like this happens I'll typically look around and realise it's not directed to me lol 😂 I honestly don't know why I'm cursed like this

[Unit1]

@Tasos96 I'm cursed also buddy. We're all in this together man. :/

[Tasos96]

@Unit1 Man it just sucks. I wish it didn't have to be like this for both of us. I'm seriously getting depressed

[Unit1]

@Tasos96 Yeah, me too.
But we shouldn't dwell in it for too long. We have to be able to be happy alone. Or else we can't be happy at all even when being in a relationship.

[Tasos96]

You have a point but it's easier said than done as you may know too. It just brings my confidence way down and then I feel down. It's like not even one girl in 8 years or so of being sexually interested in the opposite sex? My school years were awful. I have mental scars it's horrible

[Silver158]

@Tasos96 If it makes you feel any better. I never got much female attention until I was 23.

[Silver158]

@Tasos96 But I didn't know what to look for before then so that might be why

[Tasos96]

@Silver158 I guess it could make me feel better but it depends on what you mean by "not much" female attention

[JudgmentDay]

@Tasos96 THERE IS NO FAIRNESS IN THIS KIND OF A WORLD. NOT IN LIFE AND NOT IN DEATH. Some people have it easy as fuck in their final moments and die comfy and easily in their sleep instead of being wide the fuck awake in EXCRUCIATING PAIN, and/OR GRASPING FOR AIR while they are in their final moments and final breaths before death. Not only can you NOT pick and choose your entire life, you can't pick and choose all of the details of your death and pick the least painful and miserable, with least suffering. Nobody exactly "wins" in this world or life. They either lose more or they lose less, as loss is also perpetual, unavoidable and inevitable. NONE OF US HAD EVER PICKED AND CHOOSE AND AGREE TO COME HERE INTO THIS WORLD IN THE VERY FIRST PLACE.

[Vyxzuw]

Interesting.

But the worst thing you can do after a break-up is have a one-night stand with your ex's dad.

[anewgirl]

I’ve never broken up with anyone but this seems like sound advice. 👍

[April10]

There's no right or wrong. Whatever makes fha person feel better

[heyzeuspiece]

I just bury myself in work and hobbies to refocus all my angst. It really does help.

[hiphopbean]

listen to "Attention" by Charlie Puth.

[Barrabus_the_Free]

What a load of rubbish.