5 Steps To Do the Impossible: Getting Back With Your Ex

Getting back together with your ex- and this time making it work- can be a real challenge. So what strategies and steps will give you the best chance of success?

This is not magic: keep in mind these things can take a lot of work and patience on your part. With that end in mind, let’s explore five sound steps to rebuild a solid foundation with your ex, and make it more likely your relationship will last the Second Time Around (cue the music).

Up to the challenge? Getting back with your ex IS possible!
Up to the challenge? Getting back with your ex IS possible!

Overview of the Reconciliation Process

These strategies can give you the tools you need to reconcile and rebuild your relationship, this time on a solid foundation. If you want to get back together with your ex and make it work, showing real change and commitment is the best way to show it.

This process involves determining the reasons your relationship failed, taking some time to regain your bearings, opening the lines of communications, and making needed changes. Also, counseling can be a wonderful tool, giving you an outside perspective that may help to repair your relationship in a significant way.

Knowing the cause of a problem is a must of you plan on fixing it!
Knowing the cause of a problem is a must of you plan on fixing it!

Determine the Reasons

Determining why your relationship failed the first time around is the important first step in getting back together. Your ex likely gave you a reason for calling it quits, but unfortunately the reason they give isn’t always the REAL reason.

If you cheated, the reason for the breakup is pretty obvious. However, if your ex seemed fine yesterday, but woke up this morning and suddenly wanted to break up, then it may take some work to figure out exactly what went wrong. Regardless, you’ll need to have the reason for the breakup clearly fixed in your mind, so you know what needs to change to make things work the second time around when you address those issues.

You’ll need to really listen to your ex, understand his/her feelings and concerns, and address those problems head-on. Common issues include commitment issues, lack of maturity (getting together too soon), too much flirting with the opposite sex, and that perennial favorite- poor communications!

If your ex won’t talk to you in person, texting can help open the lines of communication. Even if your ex doesn’t respond to your texts, they will most likely still be read.

Take time to get your bearings and focus on the issues at hand.
Take time to get your bearings and focus on the issues at hand.

Give Yourself Some Time

Once you’ve identified the problem areas in your relationship, it’s time to make some changes. Getting back together with your ex and making it work does NOT happen overnight. The fact you are also grieving the your breakup will make it even more difficult. Therefore, it is important to take some time to get your bearings once again. So, give yourself time to hurt, but don’t give the pain the power to take over your mind and your life.

Why is this important?

Put simply, if you immediately start angling to get back together, your frame of mind might not be in a good emotional state. You should wait until you’re in a position of strength to reconnect with your ex. In this way, you avoid seeming needy or clingy, as you don’t want to appear to be begging for the other to take you back.

Instead, you want to show your ex the person- the original one- that they fell in love with in the first place. To do so, you need to allow enough time to refocus, rebuild your confidence, and work on correcting the issues your ex identified as being problems in the past.

Open communication is critical to problem resolution.
Open communication is critical to problem resolution.

Open the Lines of Communication

Once you are ready, it is time to show your ex that you really are the right person for them. Obviously, it will be impossible to demonstrate to your ex that you’ve changed, if you have no interaction or communication with them.

Fortunately, opening up the lines of communication can be as simple as talking to mutual friends about changes you’ve made in your life. This information will eventually filter down to your ex, and it may pique their interest in you as a partner once more.

A more direct approach would be asking your ex to meet with you. Here it is vital that you keep the tone light and cordial, and try to avoid a serious mood. Schedule your get-together during the day, so it’s not confused as a date. You don’t want any romantic overtones to your meeting, and this meeting should not be seen as an attempt to win them back. Instead, this is your time to show them that you’ve corrected the problems that caused you to break up.

The impartial viewpoint of a counselor can help you sort out your needs and feelings.
The impartial viewpoint of a counselor can help you sort out your needs and feelings.

Consider Counseling

For a long-term relationship that you’re committed to salvage, you may want to consider counseling. You and your ex can attend sessions on your own, but it is important that you share the same therapist. However, you should seriously consider going to some sessions together, as this can really help you work through your issues.

This type of approach is appropriate for a marriage you’re trying to save, or an ex with whom you want to spend your life.

Why counseling? Ask my wife, the counselor. She knows that change can be difficult, and people often have a blind spot when it comes to identifying their own faults. Therefore, fixing your failures may require professional help.

Making Changes

All the reasons, time, communications and counseling in the world won’t mean a thing if you- and your ex, if need be- don’t initiate changes. With new insights as to the reason for your break-up, and (hopefully) some professional help on how to lay a firmer foundation on which to build your relationship, making changes should now become easier and easier as you go forward.

Now that you are back together, focus on the future - don't swell on the past.
Now that you are back together, focus on the future - don't swell on the past.

Back Together?

If these steps allow you to reconcile, it is important NOT to bring up the past once you’re back together. The goal is to build a NEW relationship and a hopeful future, NOT to dwell on past failings.

Finally, continued counseling can be an excellent choice to ensure you don’t fall back into the same, old patterns. If all goes well, the end result is a successful reconciliation and the second chance you want and deserve.


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Massageman is a GirlsAskGuys Editor
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Most Helpful Girls

  • This posting is marvelous and what a fantastic research that you have done. It has helped me a lot. thank you very much.

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  • many nowadays live in the fast lane, see relatiosnhips/ human feelings/connections as a piece of clothes or technology... to be changed daily or weekly or 2 years or so... then get another from Tinder or something...

    there are many reasons why we get together to begin with and the important thing is to cherish that soul you met and came together for those time of love and initmacy one shared
    we all have our differences and at times, disagreements, but running away like many just drop an (ex.) or call it quits is not a solution to life.

    good take and suggestions...

    our value and generations have changed and most (almonst everyone) just move on rather than try to work things out and learn about ourselves to love ea. other

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Step 1 don't. But if you really want her back the best thing to do is ignore her. Part of girls breaking up is they like to watch you get sad and cry or freak out. That is behavioral proof that you are a weak man. Now obviously it hurts but you cannot... CANNOT call her 20x or go to a party and cry or anything dumb like that. You have to make her jealous. Go accomplish something without her and casually date other girls (like just go to the movies or something). She will notice you not missing her and guess what? She will call you!

    I did this and then when she came back I kicked her to the curb. lol

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What Girls Said 2

  • Ex for a reason. Js

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  • Good take

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What Guys Said 6

  • What desperate. Miserable, lonely, horny, sad person wants there ex back? Who? Unless you like to suffer.

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    • The presumption of the take is that the reader might want to get back together with their ex.

    • But but but sir! Why? You must be a dating couch. Cause youd probably make it work. But i wouldn't recommend it. Oh well.

  • It is kind of hard when most women just latch onto another guy before you even have your bags packed.

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  • Ain't never happenin' dude. Once the vag-tingles are gone they're never coming back. NEXT!!

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  • My ex disappeared 12 years ago... I don't see her coming back.

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  • step one:
    dont

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  • How to get back together with an ex:
    Step 1 - DON'T.

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