We met when I was 25 and I left you at 28, it's been about 4 years (turning 29 next month). Just reflecting on everything we did, every word we said, every kiss we had and every moment we shared. Was it real? Did you mean anything that you did? Did you mean it when you looked me in the eyes that night in November and said you love me?
You broke me mentally, physically and this isn't just something that is easy to shake off. You meant the world to me, I would've done anything/ everything for you and yet my all wasn't enough. You wanted more, you wanted me to be a wife/ mother while you would go and do whatever you wanted on the side not having me know.
Do you know the type of damage you have done? Do you ever sleep and think of what you did? Do you even think of me? Do you miss me at all? Did you mean it when you told me you love me? Do you look at the females you sleep with and regret it after knowing what you've done to become who you are now? Do you just hold your phone wanting to message me but can't because of what pain you caused me? Do you regret calling me names (bipolar, crazy etc)? Do you ever wish you stopped doing what you did knowing you had a woman that loved you more then anything the world could give to her?
Sleeping with females, flirting with females, getting lap dances (and possibly more) at strip clubs, making me feel like I had to near the end of our relationship had to compete and fight for you to realize what you have? Not only did it break me but knowing you haven't asked if I am okay, knowing you are going around getting with girls while knowing really hurts a lot.
My anxiety has been getting bad. Keeping busy at the gym, at work and just anything to keep my mind off of you. My fingers tingle at times making me panic. The dreams I wake up too seeing you wanting me, begging me for forgiveness and how you want to change for not only me but for yourself (saying how you'll get help) wakes me up crying because it isn't real, you would never do that.
We play soccer and when I look at you it's like I just want you to hug me but I also feel anger. I feel angry you did this, I feel angry you just didn't give a shit about me, I feel angry that you just couldn't say no to temptation and that out of all the women you have been with you hurt the one that loved you the most. I just feel myself wanting to scream and tell you that you have robbed me of years, how you are no man and why do that to me when I had done nothing wrong at all. Just such a mix of emotions always running when you look my way and whenever I look your way.
Feels like my best friend that I thought I knew died and turned into this person I don't know. You changed and I have too. I've become a different person now because of this. Not as confident, not feeling as pretty and just not feeling like I am worth anything because what I thought I was worth faded away.
However I want you to know I don't hate you. Just wish you could tell me to your face one day (since we are all around the same group of friends) that what you did was wrong. Not holding my breath but everyone has said you would.
This is just something I wanted to express because I can write much more but this is how I feel knowing you cheated, this thing you did and how you left me. I hope other people can relate because it's just a horrible feeling that will go away.
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