I reached out to my ex


After realising that my life would soon change completely, I reached out to my therapist and my ex, mainly because those were the most important people in my life at one point.

Why my ex?

I had high expectations with my ex, mainly because he knew me better than I knew myself at one point and had predicted many changes in my behaviour and life that turned out to be 100% accurate.

I remember many conversations we had that turned out to be tremendously helpful for me. I've tried turning to him to seek advice numerous times over the past 2 years, but he hasn't been helpful.

Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Unsplash
Photo by Anna Tarazevich on Unsplash

Why my ex wasn't helpful

I feel like my ex is very jealous of my current living situation and secretly wishes he'd be the guy on my side. I understand that, but he's the one who wanted to break up, so I don't really get why he's so jealous he can't look past his feelings for 5 minutes to give me advice when I need it the most.

My ex is the only one who had always pointed out in a respectful way just how crazy my parents are and that I'd reach my limits with them sooner or later.

Right now, with my parents demanding I split up with my boyfriend, I've reached that limit.

My ex told me several years ago that if I fell hard for someone, I'd no longer be able to adhere to my parent's standards, and I'm now seeing that this has happened.

I can't take it anymore, not after realising just how toxic and emotionally manipulative my parents have been for all of my life.

My parents have pointed out that they're doing better without me, so I asked my ex whether he thinks I'm strong enough to break up with my family.

His advice

He said something that probably makes a lot more sense in German, so here's the English version first:

Not everything that is family is blood-related. And not all that is blood-related is family.

In German:

Nicht alles, was Familie ist, ist blutsverwandt. Und nicht alles, was blutsverwandt ist, ist Familie.

That was the most helpful thing he had to add to the whole discussion, which I found quite disturbing and scary, given how much he usually had to say.

"Still, you're here, Baby, like a curse"

The title is a quote from this song:

For a long time, I didn't understand what drew me to my ex, but now I know it's that for such a long time, he was the only one I could turn to when life felt unbearable. This has changed drastically in the past months.

I no longer feel this way, I want to rid myself of the curse that my ex is, for all he has done whenever I've consulted him in the past months was to insult me or talk down to me.

Did you ever reach out to your ex for advice or was your breakup so bad you wouldn't consider that?

I reached out to my ex
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18Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Girl

  • Anonymous
    i have an ex i will always remember. so basically we were together three years and the break up was beyond messy. probably the messiest it can get honestly... drugs, suicide, beat ups- the whole lot. this person however, was probably the most important person in my life. now, its not that i went back to them but after a few years of being by myself i let them know i was willing to have (and only have) a friendship with them- they meant a lot to me and really got me to where i was at this point- their influence had a major effect on who i wanted to be. they said sure but obviously we didn’t actually talk. for some reason though, it still felt incomplete. so i decided, “i dont want to think about this person anymore.” dont get me wrong, i still absolutely loved them *as a person* and even now i think theyre an amazing human being *outside of dating* but i just knew it was time to move on. no matter how much they meant to me, i needed peace of mind. i messaged them a lengthy essay going over everything start to finish. from small things like that time i turned away when she went to kiss me in the library to the time i told her friend she was manipulative and that i hated her. i went into detail. in the end of it, i reiterated that i think she is truly a great person but i told her honestly on how i just wanted to move on and i also felt she deserved answers for everything. haven't talked to her since. we ended it on good terms and i can fully say i never think about her anymore.
    Like 3 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Thank you so much for sharing this. I can relate a lot to the whole "it's toxic but I truly loved them" part!

Most Helpful Guy

  • TruthBringer
    I understand where you are coming from and I wish you the best in whatever you're going through. At the same time I wouldn't be 'helpful' if I only nod to whatever you say and do and be like "you go girl!". So after reading your Take, I don't see a valid reason why you get with your ex. So far the only reason I could find why you want to get back with your ex are for your own selfish reasons. I didn't read anything about how you think you are suitable for him. Why should he get back with you? You guys have broken up.

    If I were him, I would not take you back. Because why should I get back with someone who's only reasons to get back together are selfish? "Me, me me and me". Just leave him be. He is not obligated to help you. Your ex can be a lot different now compared to years ago. Let him move on from the past. And I advise you to do the same.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • I don't want to get back together with my ex. I only had selfish motives for contacting him, and after debating whether it was a good idea for several weeks, I decided I had to tell him where my life was headed and get his input.

    • And how did he react?

    • As always, he was rude, told me everything that had happened was my fault, but I could also feel he was a little proud of me, knowing how far I had come.
      It's that appreciation that made this whole thing worth it.

    • Show All

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • OlderAndWiser
    1. Although he broke up with you, that does not mean that he wanted to break up or that it did not hurt him. I have broken up with a woman who was a decent girlfriend, a good friend, and a good lover, except for two problems: she did not love me, and she wanted me in her life only when SHE wanted me. When I was not convenient for her, she didn't have time to make me a priority.

    I have not maintained contact with her since the break up. I saw her once, about 6 months after the breakup, and I invited her to a concert when my subsequent girlfriend
    broke up with me about a week before the concert. That was 4 years ago and seeing her, or talking to her, would probably open some old wounds for me. I have moved forward, but there will always be some hurt inside me about that relationship.

    You reached out to your ex because you wanted something. You had no intention, plan, or expectation that he would benefit from the contact whatsoever. Reaching out to him was a totally self-centered move by you. I point that out simply for you to reflect upon.

    2. Your parents may be right about this relationship, but not for the reasons they have articulated. But it really doesn't matter whether they are right or wrong, because everyone insists on making their own decisions about relationships. Your parents should have understood that and they should also know that trying to coerce you to break up will only drive you closer to him. Beware the trap of making your parents the common enemy and using that to bond even more with your boyfriend. Such a bond is not strong enough to sustain a relationship in the long term.

    3. Yes, you can love your parents without liking all that they do. A large part of coming of age is re-evaluating your parents, seeing them realistically - as flawed human beings, and not holding them to impossibly idealistic standards. You can reject your parents' advice without rejecting your parents, but that can be a difficult position to maintain.

    4. "I want to rid myself of the curse that my ex is" YOU are the one who reached out to him, right He didn't reach out to you?
    Like 4 People
  • Siren777
    Make peace with them and move on. It's easier to say than done.
    You may have reached out to him as he was a source of comfort before, maybe he gives good advice but I don't think it's a good idea to reach out to him again. Why haven't you spoken to your boyfriend? This could hurt him knowing you've reached out to your ex. If you are not comfortable speaking to your boyfriend then speak to your Therapist but don't speak to him again as this may become a habit. Your mind will tell you, you need your ex and the ex should stay in the past. As for your parents, be grateful you're away from them and as an adult you are free to make your owm decisions now. So do whatever the hell you want. If you feel triggered speak to your therapist.

    I don't speak to any exes even though they always try to get in contact with me via email or some way or another. When I break up with someone i believe it was for a reason, and not meant to be therefor I don't look back and have a clean break. My exes in the past caused too much drama and I like a life drama free. I hope you feel better soon. Time heals all wounds. Give yourself some time.
    Like 1 Person
    • I spoke to my boyfriend about all the issues I had and when I reached out to my ex, my boyfriend was next to me and knew what I was doing. I'd never do something like that without his consent.

    • Siren777

      Then it should be fine, if your boyfriend is fine with it.

  • Poppykate
    You don’t need your ex! You need some basic common sense. Clearly the answer to your problem was to stand up to your parents and ask them to respect your life choices, or choose to be not apart of your life. You are an adult now, and they should trust that they have raised you adequately and given you the skills and moral integrity to make the right life decisions... otherwise they have failed as parents.
    LikeDisagree 3 People
    • Thank you so much for sharing :) This made me smile!

    • Poppykate

      I am so glad gorgeous! Happy day! 😄

  • Apope16
    The question is why are you still talking to your ex? Obviously it is because you still have feelings for the guy. So in order to make yourself feel better you made a mytake making it seem like you are over him when in reality you are not. In reality he just doesn't want to date you. You still talking to him rather than moving on... you reaching out for advice is just an excuse to keep him in your life because you can't move on.

    In reality you can only grow by going no contact for the rest of your life until HE reaches back out to you. Grasping back to your ex about the past about your failures and seeking his advice makes you look weak.

    I think your ex did say some good things. I think some of his advice about family was spot on. You should follow your own life and be your own person. Fuck what your parents say.

    You will only have grown if you are no longer talking to your ex and you are moving on. I am not saying you shouldn't date him again. What I am saying is find growth within yourself by ignoring him forever. If he reaches out then it was meant to be and you will have changed.

    Never ever ever reach out to your ex unless YOU were the person that dumped them. Then it is your duty to reach out.
    Like 2 People
    • Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
      My ex is a very strange man with more life experience than I have. I always viewed him as my moral compass in case I considered my own moral compass to be too strict.
      He was always the guy who'd tell me to let my guard down, to meet people outside of my bubble, to open up more, to escape life as I knew it, and that was the most honest and necessary advice anyone has given me all of my life.

      I know that when you only read this take, it might seem that I'm not over him, but I view my ex as an older brother/like I already said, a moral compass, and not as someone I'm physically or emotionally attracted to.

      I no longer have feelings for him, otherwise I wouldn't have reached out, simply out of respect to my current partner.

    • I just read that last part of your opinion again and I agree, I no longer want or should talk to him, I just needed that interaction to get my sanity back. It helps me a lot to talk to someone from the outside, who has always known that I'd be at the point in my life I am now, mainly because I was hoping that he'd be able to offer meaningful advice about the next few steps.
      He wasn't, and that's the end of the story.

    • VIVANT

      She never said who broke up with who. Why do you assume he broke up with her in just curious.

      I also don’t think people should dwell on how they think they will “ appear” to exes as a standard as to how they are doing. Hypothetically if something helps you grow or gives you closure but it “ looks weak” to someone else, who cares. People have many diff opinions on many diff things. We should follow what strengthens us not how it looks. That’s my opinion. If we go around behaving in order to appear a certain way we are slaves to anyone watching. that’s not growth. She is in a better place now for having reached out bc she got some advice and had no desire to reach out. If she decides against it bc it looks bad, she would not be where she is now. people who are a part of our lives are a part of our growth good or bad. No shame in acknowledging that.

    • Show All
  • AydenHazor
    I've got exes that I am still friends with, but it's a friendship out if a deep avoiding respect and care for each other. It sounds like he never got over you, which is not a good place for supposed friendship to come out of. It sounds like you're better off without him now, as much as you miss what he used to be for you.
    Like 2 People
    • I miss the advisory role he had in my life for several years. We were very close friends before becoming romantically involved with one another, and though it was only for a brief period of time, I know that he loved me deeply, more than anyone else up until I met my boyfriend.

      I actually took a break from relationships for an entire year after our breakup, just to be able to cope with the whole thing, and it certainly helped a lot.

    • I get that. While I've got friends that are exes, I've got exes that were good friends before we dated that are unfortunately no longer part of my life. While I miss the role they played in my life before, it friendship did but survive the breakups well and it was in the best interest of my own mental health to cut off contact. It absolutely sucks, but it's an unfortunate reality that some people are completely different people to someone after dating them.

    • This makes sense.

    • Show All
  • whatdoyouwantt
    I never feel the need reaching out, I dated kids so it’s not like they can help me with something, they can’t even help themselves.

    Anyways also breakup can never be pleasant, it’s still uncomfortable and I like to stay away from it. In most cases I delete my exes anyways and I feel like if I tried to reach out they’d think I want them back. ALSO if we broke up, they are never considered as friends anymore. Everything is gone so yeah but I do understand you. You have reasons, I sadly can’t relate.
    Like 3 People
    • With my other ex, I'd honestly never reach out to him either, but they're very different people.
      The one I'm talking about in this post is about to turn 30, has handled a great deal of loss and personal grievances over the years and had been the one thing I was able to count on in a quite unsteady period of my life.

      My other ex is a child. He still tries to reach me, but I've made sure that he doesn't know where I live and what I spend my time on.

      I think I relate to what you said too, just not with the person I talked about in this post. Hope that makes sense.

  • spartan55
    Wouldn't matter if the breakup were good/bad/ugly/nuclear, I wouldn't consult any ex for anything PERIOD. Dating advice? Completely out of the question.
    Like 4 People
  • exitseven
    I never would do that. Breakups are like band aids. You rip them off and thats the end of it.
    He does not want to talk to you because break ups are painful and maybe he doesn't want to go back there.
    Try an work on your own problems and respect his wishes.
    Like 2 People
  • JuliaStyles
    Usually they are an "ex" for a reason. Don't knock yourself out over it. Just move on and find happiness.
    Like 2 People
  • Jjpayne
    I think just having an open line of communication with a desire for advice is pretty nice to have for an ex because not all have that! Im glad to hear he was able to give you some kind of useful advice
    Like 1 Person
  • TacosRAwesome
    So my first ex (technicalities matter) is (or was) best friends with my second ex (actual ex, dated for 4 years) and I took his advice a few times.
    Like 1 Person
  • RoxyFoxx
    I'm sorry, but I didn't understand what you're trying to say here. On one hand, you say that your ex was the only person whom you could turn to in times of distress. Also, he accurately predicted what would happen in your life. On the other hand, you call your ex a curse, and say that you want to get rid of him. What exactly is going on?
    • Love is complicated - old love is much more complicated. You may understand someday.

  • townhouse
    This one is tough as I got ghosted silence no response and parents definetley involved and manipulative so I don't know if my ex would ever reach out hope soon one day
    Like 1 Person
  • CallmeTheKnight
    I'm not sure what state of mind you were in when you wrote this, but he's an ex for a reason and if he's jealous of how you're living, why are you in touch with him?

    It doesn't what good advice someone gives you, because at the end of the day you learn as you grow. Stop contacting that man and leave him be.
  • virusbkk
    It's seems you have some very conflicting sentiments.
    Your ex is not your therapist and neither should you treat him this way.

    It is possibly the reason why he has been rude to you, because you may have made him feel like that.

    For the sake of your own self-respect and current relationship, do not contact him anymore - he is the one who broke up with you.

    Easier said than done, but if you need life advice, seek counseling / professional help or why not confide in your current boyfriend for a change?
    Like 2 People
    • My current boyfriend was involved in this whole process, I'd never do something like this behind his back.
      Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

  • Waldoe
    "The Curse" hehehe... you betrayed him, you dumped him and he is the curse? it sounds like he has already "let you go"... ex's don't owe you relationship advice, you were an idiot to ask.
    I don't think you have any choice in the matter. But if it makes you feel better to pretend, then go ahead... end things with the "Ex", But.. he has already moved on... without you
    Like 1 Person
  • TheBigGuy9
    I personally think money has a heavy influence on you. I read your other post about your parents. You reached out to your ex because you aren’t fully sure about this new relationship?

    I can see just by the music you’re listening to.

    I think you’re placing too much value on money and letting many red flags fly right by you.
  • pleasestopthis
    I'd have to be mental to ask my ex for advice. Our relationship was crap and the break up was bad, he also doesn't share the same values as me.
    Like 2 People
  • LemiaOfTheCodes
    I wish I could then I can get answers i need to move on. But glad you got resolution.
    Like 1 Person
  • midnightmoon05
    What is your end goal with this?

    i do with my ex husband. I insisted so we can be on the same page raising our kids together regardless of how he treated me. Much better now and kids are doing well giving the circumstances.
    I did with me ex boyfriend.
    i met him on gag 4 years ago. I learned he had a lot of trauma (I didn’t know then)
    we were in bad situations for 2 years. he ended. We both worked on ourselves for a year. I learned to understand his trauma, I reached out. Back together a year now. We learned a lot and now on our path to our next chapter to be married... etc...
    love is real when we give time, patience, understanding... etc.
    Like 1 Person
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