No Contact And Indifference: Why It Sometimes Works And Sometimes Doesn't?

In this myTake i'm going to explain my perception and thoughts of why the no contact rule sometimes works and sometimes doesn't when trying to get back with an ex. Same with acting indifferent around your ex if you ever do see them.

No Contact And Indifference: Why It Sometimes Works And Sometimes Doesn't?

First, what is no contact? It's really not complicated and is just as the name suggests: not contacting the ex under any circumstances. It's usually applied over at least a 30-day period.

What is the purpose of it? For most, it's to get the ex back. For others, it's to regroup their emotions, learn from their mistakes, heal and shift their focus from the ex back to their goals and becoming you again. Essentially, moving on and eventually finding someone better. In fact, for the majority of us, it's usually a mixture of both.

Is it a game? Some would say it is. Some frown upon it as being manipulative, spiteful and mean. But, that depends on how you apply it. Are you doing it to be spiteful, manipulative or mean? If yes, then you are playing a horrible game that will result in the ex never looking in your direction again.

But that's not what you want is it? So why does it sometimes work for those that are doing it for themselves and sometimes not?

That comes down to how you apply it. Normally, what happens in a break up is the dumper is unilaterally changing the terms of the relationship. They want you as a friend, they want nothing more to do with you, etc. This goes against what you want; you don't like the new terms. You want to continue seeing them; you want to continue dating them, kissing them, and shagging them, but they are taking all that away from you.

What do most people do? They nag, beg and plead for a second chance. They continue to call, text and chase the dumper in the hopes that they will come back, or change their mind about breaking up with them. Some people even agree to the "friend-zone" in the hopes of something romantic again in the future (which, by the way, is deceptive). Yet, nothing they do seems to change the dumper's mind.

Others will walk away and implement no contact. They will completely ignore the other person for a month or more. The ex messages or calls them again, and again, and again. Each time the dumpee ignores it. The ex eventually labels them as a lost cause, and gives up. They move on. The dumpee is left disappointed, because who are we kidding? Most of us implement the No Contact Rule to get the ex back.

So, how can we implement the no contact rule so that we do get the ex back? This is my opinion and my thoughts on the matter, and this will only work if the ex has at least some attraction/interest left for you; their interest level has to be at least 51-60%. If it's less than that, they won't EVER be coming back, so stop reading and start refocusing on your goals and desires so you are able to attract someone new and better into your life.

It's simple: change the no contact rule to the no initiating rule. You simply stop initiating. The same principles apply: No "checking in", no Christmas texts or birthday texts. You go on with your life like they are not EVER coming back, like they don't exist, BUT if they do ever reach out to you, you DON'T ignore them. Don't chit chat either, but respond lightly, and with charm. Keep it short! If you do want to see them again, be direct and ask them if they want to get together with you and to give you a day on which they are free to hangout. However, only do this if they haven't brought it up themselves after 3 or 4 texts.

no contact rule
no contact rule

Something like this:

Dumper: Hey stranger!

...(3 or 4 text's later)...

Dumpee: Hey, it's really great hearing from you. Let's get together this week and hangout, when are you free?

If they agree to it, you set a definite date (like a doctor's appointment) where they come over to your place to cook dinner together. Then say good bye, and end the conversation, And do this for at least the next 3 dates. This way, they get the chance to earn you back. After all, they dumped you, right? So, they have to earn your time again.

If they give anything but a yes, or try to change your plans, you withdraw your offer, but leave the door open for them to contact you when they are willing to get together, under your terms.

Something like this:

Dumper: Will see, I'm pretty busy at the moment (translation: No, i don't want to get together with you)

Dumpee: Okay, we'll make it another time then. Give me a call when your schedule is more open, and we'll make plans then. Gotta run, keep in touch.

I'm not going to go more into this, because it's veering off topic, but the point i'm putting across, is if you want the no contact rule to work, DON'T ignore the ex, but don't give them all your time either. Make a date if you want to, but keep the conversation short, then end it. Acknowledge that they are contacting you, but communicate to them through action that if they want your time, they have to earn it.

Ignoring messages is rude, FULL STOP, and it's incredibly hurtful, especially if the text is from someone who cares about you. Remember that text you sent to someone you loved, and they ignored it? How much did it hurt? How did you feel? What was going through your mind? Now, that is how the ex will most likely be feeling if you ignored their texts, and that is why after awhile they give up. Because why should they put themselves through all of this, if you aren't reciprocating? I mean, they are most likely contacting you because they are starting to regret dumping you, and want to earn you back, but you are throwing it right back in their face by ignoring their attempts.

A lot of this can also be applied to acting indifferent when you do bump into your ex. Don't ignore them, but keep the encounters short, and act cool. Act like the break up doesn't affect you and that you are happy regardless of whether they are there or not. Acknowledge their presence, but don't go out of your way to talk to them, or spend time with them. Share a few words with them, and then carry on with what you were doing in that moment.

Again, it only becomes a game if you're doing it to be spiteful, or manipulative. If you're doing it for yourself, it displays strength. It shows the other person that you are able to remain yourself whether they are in your life or not. If they have the minimum level of interest, they will eventually grow curious about you and maybe start regretting that they pushed you out of their life. They will start stalking your Facebook so they can see what you are up to, and, if you remain indifferent and don't act upon it, your inaction will eventually force them to reach out to you in some way or form. Which is what you want, isn't it?

Bottom line is: Don't ignore your ex, just don't be the one to initiate contact; acknowledge their efforts at reaching out to you, but don't go out of your way to reply or talk to them. They dumped you, remember? why fight for someone who didn't want you? That's their job...

I mean, think about...

No Contact And Indifference: Why It Sometimes Works And Sometimes Doesn't?
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Most Helpful Guy

  • soneoak

    Some relationships die, crashed and burnt. They are unsalvageable.

    I've got one like that.

    Too many parties involved. Too much crap going on, too little maturity, and fairness is nowhere to be found.

    Considering said extra party members still perpetuate immaturity, there is no way the whole group would earn back anything.

    They began with unfairness, they had disrespect. Horrible relationships ensue.

    Good bootcamp to go through to quickly grow up. They really take the 'nice guy' out of you, beat him up and destroy any last semblance of him existing.

    Then you become a really great guy. The "Nice" becomes "Genuiness". You suddenly get your priorities straight. And suddenly, you also realised "so that was a shit relationship, glad I got that out of the way, time to become awesome".

    Is this still revelant?
    • Wolfie2014

      Bro, what you as is so true. Some relationships are unsalvageable, but that's why you chalk it up to experience and learn from the mistakes so you can become the best version of yourself. It's funny how life throws these lessons at you, and continues to throw them at you UNTIL you learn from it :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • britwood879

    What if after 2 weeks of implementing NO CONTACT with your ex (he dumped me again after coming back and regretting dumping me the first time) he texts you saying, "Hope you don't think about me because I think about dudes and their freedom and nothing else." I did not want the break up and he knows how much I love him but made it clear we couldn't be friends as he wanted to keep in touch from time to time. Is he just rubbing salt in a very big wound? I ignored the texts and am not sure if I should keep going for the full 1 month of NC or text him back?

    Is this still revelant?
    • Wolfie2014

      Firstly, you NEED to accept the reality that he may never want you again and carry on with life as such. Why waste your time on someone who doesn't want you?
      Then, if he DOES contact you again, be polite and direct with your responses. Reply with: "Hey, it's great to hear from you. Would love to get together this week, when are you free?"
      If he gives you anything other than a "yes", withdraw the offer with a "Maybe another time then. Get in touch when your schedule clears up." and end the conversation, and don't ever call or text him again, for ANY reason. You MUST value your time, and yourself enough to be able to walk away and not look back, because you are a gift. He refused that gift, so go in search for someone who will accept it.

      Because that is what i would do, and i'd do it with a take it or leave it attitude.

      If you need any more help, or need me to explain better, feel free to PM me.

    • Wolfie2014

      Oh, and if he accepts your offer to hang out... Have him come to your place for at least the first 3 dates. Don't accept anything else... he HAS to make the effort, otherwise he is out. And bare in mind as well, that if you do end up seeing each other again, you are starting from scratch. i. e first date, etc. Nothing you did in the past will give you credit here.

    • momis84

      Me and my boyfriend might see each other next, week as I said I was currently. Busy. He is gonna call so I will invite him over. Should I just be friendly on this first date or talk about us and our breakup ( he told me he needed space/ time 2 weeks ago) ? Im scared of pushing him away if I reveal want I want as I think he hasn't had enough time to think things through.

      If he comes, must I refuse sex in this situation?
      Or maybe I should say to him to take more time to think before we meet again. But he might lose interest then..

      Need help on this step

What Girls & Guys Said

  • HereIbe

    I'm not a pathetic little boy. If I get dumped, fine, the bitch can walk, and I won't die. She still wants me, SHE can make the first effort because SHE was the one who did the dumping, but any reconciliation will be on MY terms. She wants to play bullshit games, she can reap the consequences of playing bullshit games. I don't crawl.

  • bama_girl89

    🙏🙌🙌🙌🙌 thank you so much for this!!! I needed to read this to move on with my life, Not to another guy, and to know he left me from a stupid reason and now he must do what he can if he wants me back. thanks again!

    • Wolfie2014

      Glad i could help you get back on your feet :) Just remember, you are a gift. People will either take it, or they will leave it. And that is the attitude you should have, but be sweet about it :)

  • Lance1965

    Why would anyone want to get back with a ex after they have been dumped? It seems that moving on is such a issue for so many people.

  • YourFutureEx

    Great take, liked it.

  • Secretgardenblood

    Good take

  • Anonymous

    to simplify it: if a person cares about you, no matter how proud or retarded they may be, they absolutely always WILL contact you or try to get back in touch. if they don't do any of that, it means basically you can die and they wouldn't give a shit.

    There. no need for making a philosophy out of this

  • Anonymous

    Very nicely written. Has this Actually worked with anyone?

  • Anonymous

    He's barely my ex, we jyst had few dates. I'm the dumper here. Already contacted him and asked him to hangout (I wouldn't count it as a date. I don't know if he thought it would be a date) he agreed but then he cancelled. So what does it mean? A revenge? After that I acted cool and didn't make any comment about him cancelling though. He turned me off.

    • Wolfie2014

      It means his interest in you isn't high enough. If he was really interested in you, he would have made a definite date, and kept to it because he wants to see you. It's not revenge, it means he really didn't want to see you, and decided otherwise. It's possible he may have already moved on. Of course, it's also possible that something detrimental came up that he couldn't cancel. However, in that scenario, he should've given a counter-date.

      I'd accept the reality that he ain't coming back, and move on to greener fields. If he reaches out, make a date, if that's what you want. But keep the convo short either way. All this chit chat for hours on end with no date-setting just ends up turning one or both parties off after a time.