Girlfriend of 4yrs broke up with me saying she wasn't happy and needed to figure herself out, what did I do wrong?

[Sfcd360]

I gave her my life and she crushed it. I gave this relationship everything I possibly could mentally, financially, emotionally, you name it. When she wanted to give up on getting her degree I encouraged her and even fronted her money for the classes and books to finish up. I pulled strings to get her the job she wanted after she moved in with me 1 1/2 years ago. I fronted her almost a grand to get her car fixed and even paid for part of it. I put my name and money down for an apartment so she would have a place to stay after she left college. I put myself second for her.

We would fight over the same issues, and it never got resolved because she could never make an effort. I couldn't trust her, and she kept doing things to justify my mistrust and insecurities. She would never communicate with me, and when we did it was never constructive. It didn't last. I can't help but feel betrayed by the woman I loved so much, like I was used and she put on a fake smile for however long she's been feeling this way.

I need to know what I did wrong, where did I stray?

[hopromantic]

Geez i know what I am about to say isn't going to make you let this go anytime soon but ill try.

ITS HER NOT YOU! YOU did your part it was HER who didn't do her part. I know you feel like you literally gave her everything that you possibly could so that she knew that she was truly and was in good hands and yet it feels as if she's blind and doesn't know what you went through to try and make her happy

Maybe you feel like its your fault and that you did something wrong because look! she's leaving?

I bet your confused right now as well because just yesterday things were fine you guys were having the time of your lives and then (all of a sudden) she wants out?

I know what your going to because my ex did the same thing he told me that I could probably be the one for him told me he wanted kids told me it was me and him only that he liked me. So I gave him everything I could possibly give him, everything and one day I go to spend the night and he tells me then that he thinks we should stop told me he wasn't in love with me (right now) that he has things to do and needs to focus on him I didn't understand still dont because I gave him everything...

I realize though that maybe the guy I was with for 2 1/2 years is probably not the one for me like I thought that maybe this is a sign that there's something EVEN BETTER out there for me but I have to close this door first so that another one can open its hard though I felt everything that your feeling still do and its hard but if someone is telling you they dont want to be apart of your life now trust me later on theyre going to regret it and want you back because they'll never be able to replace what you gave to them as far as love goes you'll always be on their mind and by the time they think to reach out you'll have already found someone better dont sweat it she's just trying to make room in your life for someone more special and deserving of you.

[Sassenach]

The biggest red flag I see is in your own words: you put yourself second for her. You enabled her to do nothing for herself, and while some may think you very generous - which, in a way, you were - you never gave her an opportunity to see what she's made of. It sounds like she's done some growing up and wants to find out who she is, without needing hand-outs.

Whether or not you intended to say this, you specifically wrote that you "loved" her - past tense. Do yourself and your ex a favor: stop blaming yourself, move on to the rest of your life, and wish her the best of life in her own, and learn from this. You cannot have a healthy relationship when you don't care for yourself. Good luck!

[523206720]

You didn't trust her. Not trusting somebody is disrespectful and no amount of money will ever make it right for you to disrespect somebody else.

[Sfcd360]

That's understandable and I'm not trying to say I tried to buy her happiness, I know that does not work. I'm sorry if it came across that way.

When I said she would do things to feed my mistrust and insecurities I mean I caught her once talking to this guy she cheated on her last ex with, and I made it clear that I was uncomfortable with it and didn't want her dragging her past into our relationship. Yet two times after that incident I caught her checking his profile page out, and from there it only made things worse. She would go out saying she wouldn't be out till whatever time yet she always got caught up in the moment, not texting or calling me all night and not coming home until really late. She didn't respect the relationship, disregarded the damage she did and just did what she wanted to regardless to make it worse.

[Tractorbeam]

They all do that , sir, and the more they can count on you the more likely (or sooner) they are to do it. 50% of women would be doing that within 4 years, and the rest just take a little longer (not quite, about 20% are OK for the long term). Trouble is that it's difficult to tell who's who, because they'll all love you for the first few years.

I doubt if you did anything wrong, and you probably did it better than she did. You don't have to anything wrong for this to happen.
Here's how it works, in this link.
www.macleans.ca/culture/books/the-two-year-itch/
Just be prepared for trade-time every 4 years. If you're lucky, it might last a little longer. If you're jackpot lucky, you'll find one of the 20% of women who can stay in love with the same man for the long term. There's a one in 5 chance, so that could take 20 years and 4 failed relationships, on average.

A lot of men just settle and give up, and stay with a woman who's no longer attracted or shows any physical affection. That's what most marriages are about, if she doesn't divorce you first. Only about 35% of marriages that managed to avoid divorce are actually happy marriages. You just can't afford to leave for financial reasons, so it's easier to endure the misery.

[J-bird]

I think that you might have taken too much care of her too early. I know it's hard, but sometimes you have to let them figure out their own things. It seems to me like you've been acting as her caretaker, and she might want to have control over certain aspects of her own life.

Try to take a moment and take a breath. If she says she needs time to figure out herself, you should give it to her.

[BenjaminBix]

Goddamn. I feel sorry for you. I bid the reason was her not able to earn your trust. Didn't she make it up for what you did for her? It looks like she didn't show a slight of being grateful. L
What can I say besides to move on.

[martyfellow]

You went through a lot of red lights. You do that, eventually you crash.

Why did you let her take advantage of you so ofte, so long?

[Sfcd360]

She was my first girlfriend, and my first serious relationship. I experienced a lot of things with her, and in my mind doing everything I could for her was my way of showing I cared. I wasn't totally oblivious to how she was mistreating me and we would talk about it, but nothing ever came of it. Just empty promises.

[martyfellow]

Ok, you've learned lessons from this. Kick yourself once or twice, then don't look back, ever!