Girlfriend. Not happy with herself. Ok so... my girlfriend didn't hide the fact that she is having a problem with depression?

(I have every intention of spending the rest of my life with this woman, and i've said about as much.) I think about a week ago i started to notice that it wasn't as easy as usual to get her to smile. I asked her what was wrong and of course she didn't tell me. The day after she finally let it go that she thinks she needs to see a doctor and that she isn't happy with anything. The first thing i thought was that this includes me. But she said no. Since then she quit her job, went to stay with a friend for 3 days, and stopped talking to her mother. When she came back she kept breaking up with me and then changing her mind, apologizing multiple times ( she's done this twice) of course, Im madly in love with this woman so i forgive her even before she changes her mind. But she doesn't seem to be able to forgive herself. She puts herself down ALOT. She believes everything is her fault in any and every situation.(She has dealt with emotional abuse in the past from family) I know i can't make her happy because happiness comes from within. But i can't just watch this happen to the love of my life and i dont know what i should do. This woman cries alot, drinks a lot (which causes a whole lot of other problems as well), is mean, and isn't lovey-dovey ( but has... moments that i can't forget) but... idc. i love her more than anything and i will do anything for her. we are currently... Not dating i think (it is very fuzzy.) Last night she broke up with me again but tried to take it back. We are... still talking, and still say we love each other but i've always been able to sense when she wasn't happy.(Like with few times she's broken up with me, i felt them coming) and i can feel this isn't the same as before. I need someone else's insight PLEASE. D:


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Most Helpful Girl

  • it sounds like she needs to get her life in order before she becomes a part of anyone else's. she definitely needs to start seeing a therapist and maybe even get on antidepressant medication. the important thing for you to do is if you love this girl, is to stay strong behind her and help her in whatever way that you can.

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    • She's mentioned wanting to see a therapist multiple times but i dont think she will. I think she believes that she's a burden on me. She knows i love her but can't imagine why and i know that rips her apart inside. Everytime she would try to break up with me she would yell to find someone "normal" I've only wanted the best for her... even if that doesn't include me.

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    • you can't make her think a certain way, you have to accept that. the only thing you can do really is keep trying to convince her.

    • I've promised to do exactly that. And i intend to do exactly that. Because it is true. I couldnt imagine my life without her and any break up that ever does happen will be by her. She's said the same to me before and i believed her but... barring the last few days thats looked untrue. Because she has (even if it was for a hour or two at the most or intoxicated.) I seriously dont want to doubt her. If i start to do that i'll go crazy inside my own head. I dont doubt her at the moment because i'm sure if i did i'd crush my own heart

Most Helpful Guy

  • I have been with a girl like this and I would advise taking space from her for now. Their push/pull maneuver is destructive on your feelings and confidence. She obviously needs help and if she isn't willing to get it, she's not worth feeling this way over. It sounds like she is the self-destructive type and those are the ones who end up hurting you most. They react off emotion instead of acting off logic. I came to the point with my ex where I just couldn't take it, it left me mentally impaired for awhile. Maybe it will be different for you but for me, it ended in heartbreak. Best of luck!

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    • im giving her space. i just want her to know that im still here and not leaving her because self-destructive or not i can't leave. Ill take anything she throws at me (and I've told her as much). I'm not afraid of being hurt

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    • I like your perspective on this. It seems like majority of people today, find it to be an option to walk away from someone simply because they have been victims to something in life that really damaged them and had no say so in the process. She will at minimum, always remember you for this and will be thankful. I love this approach because its what I use in my relationships as well. Indeed it has been very painful but I would never take it back because it won't be forgotten. Wrong is wrong, even when everyone else is doing it. Right is right, even when no one else is doing it.

    • Thinking about the way i act differently than most people actually makes me happy. I feel that the fact that I will want to this woman no matter what problems she might be facting is a testiment to true love. I'd do anything for her. I'll let her say any harsh words she wants because i know she'll kick herself for it later. I forgive her before she forgives herself. But im not a fool, i want to talk about anything she says because those words have some truth about her feeling in them no matter how mean. I'll be here for her no matter what. If she needs a lover i'll be that. if she needs a friend ill be that. And if she needs a punching bag i'll be that with a smile on my face. I think thats true love.

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What Girls Said 3

  • You left an opinion on my question to check this out...
    Although your girlfriend and I are two totally different people, it's probably safe to say she's fighting with herself. Meaning self confidence wise, stress, and many other factors that they address in counseling. She has broken up with you and takes it back because she probably feels how she isn't good enough for you. How you deserve better. She probably doesn't smile as much which is leading to self hate, and low self esteem. She may deal with a lot of stress and may have anxiety. This is kind of my situation, as you may remember, I deal with most of this. As days go on, without any help, this condition gets harder to deal with. Depression is a mental disorder that is very hard to get rid of. She does need to seek help, but don't force her to do it. It will only help if she chooses to do so. All you can do is support her, and be by her side. I know this may be a jump from your character, but text or call her everyday asking how she is doing. Have her know that you are there to talk if she ever needs you. I know everyday when I get up, I would just like to know if I broke that someone would be there to fix me. I feel so alone, and nobody should ever feel the same way.
    I hope this helps. If you have any other questions in the future you can always message me, I'm always open to give help with depression.

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  • Mate I've been there and seen this before. I feel for her so much, I was and from time to time can be the same. She doesn't mean to be nasty or short and snappy. Everything hurts, everything's against you, your whole life feels miserable and it's a spiral of negativity. She's on a road of self destruction and unfortunately there's nothing you can do :( you can ride the storm with her but ultimately it's highly likely you will beat each other down so much that if she does come out the other side there will have been so much water under the bridge that there's nothing left to salvage. It's unhealthy to love and obsess at the same time... You will make each other ill. When my partner at the time said to me about us having some space I did the same and interpreted it the wrong way and thought he didn't want me anymore. You clearly are not in a place where you can walk away and leave her to heal alone so all I can say is good luck to you both, stay strong, stay rational and realistic, hold on to the good times and don't drink too much! Remember also thou that you need looking after like she does too. Keep your head above water mate

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  • Maybe help her find a good therapist, or cbt counsellor.

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    • I dont think she would go if she actually found one. She often tells me she doesn't know what she wants. And from the way she flips from wanting to see a doctor and not, I think she doesnt. I feel like i should give her space ( i know im a guy and how that sounds but i would never cheat, i wouldn't dream of it) so she can figure out these feelings. But i know if i say that it will crush her and she will misinterpret it. I would never hurt her on purpose and even if she breaks up with me for longer than an hour or two, i will be here

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    • With her*

    • I can't do that. I'll be fine. I shouldn't have been drinking. i guess i just wanted to run from the problem for a moment but that wasn't the best move. Truth is i can't leave this woman. I'm in love with her. I have trouble arguing with her, let alone breaking up with her

What Guys Said 1

  • i think despite her hot and cold feelings towards it that you should strongly recommend therapy. she isn't going to resolve these issues, if it is in fact depression, on her own. I sense bi-polar based on what you described of large ups and downs. there is medication and of course therapy that can drastically help but without it it's hard to manage, especially if alcohol or drugs are used as well which often exacerbates depression symptoms

    for her sake therapy is her best bet

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