How can I get my shy ex boyfriend back?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend of 1 month & 2 weeks broke up with me in January. it's been 3 months and we don't talk. the only time we're forced to be in contact with each other is in a class I share with him and we're seated next to each other. we broke up because we felt we acted too much like friends. it was basically the same routine every day, I guess. so we agreed to be friends. in the class we have together, I notice he stares at me a lot. almost constantly. and in the halls, he watches me go past. and in lunch, his table is on the opposite side of the cafeteria than mine, and he's been sitting at the table across from mine. and he'll even sometimes turn around and look at me, and quickly turn back around. I pretended like I don't notice these things, and kinda pretend it didn't happen. we are both really shy. it took all he had to ask me out. he's not the kind of guy that flirts with all the girls. in fact, I'm his first girlfriend. I just don't understand what's going on! I want to confront him about the situation and ask him where we stand, but I don't want to "rock the boat." I really think he still cares. so do my other friends. I just don't know what I should do about this. advice? (: thanks!

[Gustafsone12584]

Well then... that kinda explains why he's acting this way, based on how old he is. I'd hate to say this, but in general guys, and girls don't really know what they want yet. There are a lot of emotions flowing around. And it's not saying that he doesn't have feelings for you, but in reality he's got feelings for everyone around him.

Guys especially have the tendency to switch emotion after emotion based on the facts that guys at that age don't have a very clear way of handling their emotions.That's why at that age we all (including girls as well) tend to break up multitudes of times before they figure out what they want. Even at my age of 25 we still don't have any idea. I think basically what it comes down to is how we've been raised number one, and number two who's teaching us that could include our peers (our friends), and number three kinda consists of when we grow out of our immature status (if that makes any sense). Because even at my age, their are 25 year old woman, and guys that are making mistakes based on numerous reasons. I believe there are a lot of reasons why relationships don't work out within your age group. I believe it's based on those emtions I've talked about. You, and this guy have no idea of what you want at the moment. Yes girls mature faster, and I still believe you have a better understanding that he does, but I also believe dating should come latter in life. Just because at that point, you've got a better understanding of what you want. And then at that point, it gives guys enough time to mature, and not be so stupid as they are right now.

Then I also think another big reasons is based on fear. The fear of being alone, and that kinda consists of being codependent. And of course codependency can be tied into numerous factors as well.

Anyway I hope I didn't say anything that might have been to over your head. If you want me to explain anything, I'm more than welcome to explain.

[Asker]

I really appreciate your help.

you're absolutely right. so I think for now I'm just gonna let it go and see if anything changes. otherwise I'll just let it go. I just hate to give up when it seems like it's right around the corner, yet so far away, if that makes any sense. but I don't want to wait forever on him, either.

[Gustafsone12584]

First off... No problem about answer your question in more detail... I should have been more concrete... Hope this helps

Well I know from what you’ve said from you original question you’ve still noticed that he looks at you, and that’s the sign that he does care about you. So within your comment about worrying of how he’d react, I truly believe that he wouldn’t react badly at all. So I think how I’d approach it is, just tell him how you feel about him, and that you notice him just as much as he does, and that you want to work things out

For example

Dear so, and so

It’s been so hard finding a way to express my feelings for you. It’s been so long sense we’ve talked. Three months has been so long for me to see you, everyday, and not say anything. I know there’s a lot to say, and neither of us are expressing how we feel. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to talk to you, but am so nervous (what ever the feeling may be) about talking to you. I’m writing this letter to express how much I want our relationship to work, not only getting back together as we once where, but to make our friendship more concrete, because I know that’s what it takes in order for us to get back together……

Now that’s really an example of what you may want to address, and of course more of how your feeling, but try to express how you’ve been feeling without him, and remind him of the good times in which you’ve shared, and then at the end express how much you want to talk to him more in person, and that you’d love to hear what he’s been thinking, and feeling these past months…. I hope that helps answer that question. Because overall you can’t just write to him every time you want to talk to him, you need to break the ice within you as well. You’ve mentioned you have problems as well getting up the courage to talk to him, but this might give you more incentive to.

[Asker]

This is much more clear to me now, thank you! & today I said "hi" to him & he was really cold towards me. he said "hi" back, but he didn't even look at me. then more politely, he asked me about an assignment & we were talking. then his friends interupted and he just blew me off and started acting weird again. I don't understand why he's acting this way. I haven't moved on or said anything bad about him behind his back. it was so random. anyother day it seems he can't take his eyes off me.

[Gustafsone12584]

Well it really depends on how old he is. I feel that's an important aspect that shows the muacherty level of himself. You seem a little more machure, and know what you want. And now I'm woundering of his age, because first off the time frame of your relationship with him, but then the fact of how he's been responding to you, and how he's acting.

[Asker]

He's 14.

[Gustafsone12584]

I'm so happy to hear the good news about the add on Facebook. "I don't think it's worth breaking my heart over." If you have that same aspect into bad things that come up in life (break-ups) then you'll be in a better position for yourself. But anyway I hope things work out for you. I know you've got feelings for the guy, and I hope he knows how much you care about him. Just keep it slow, and see where it goes from here. But don't expect too much at first based on how old he is, and how old you.

...I'd like to share something with you recently read. It's kinda talking about what I've been saying for the past few days:

"From personal experience and from the experiences of those close to me, it's a bad idea. But that doesn't mean it's negative 100% of the time. Some people have had great experiences or even ended up married to that person they dated at a young age.

I think it's a bad idea for a few reasons. Firstly, you are just trying to figure out who you are as a teenager. I have changed sooooo much between the ages of 16 and 24. When you're in a relationship, that can hinder your growth individually and you may unintentionally find your identity in that person. Also, when you're in a serious relationship, there's so much committment that you make choices based on your relationship. For example, you may not take that summer internship in another state or go abroad for a semester because you don't want to be apart. Also, when you're older, you may look back and feel like you "wasted your time" giving so much of yourself to someone when you were so young."

Well anyway again, very glad to hear things are well, and moving forward. Much Love to you. And your more than welcome to send me questions along the way if you feel stuck.

[Asker]

Things seem to be taking a turn for the better, little by little. Today he seemed to look at me more than usual. I'm just going to wait it out. But I can only wait for him so long. As you said, I can't let him hold me back. Sooner or later, I'll have to let go & move on, if things don't change. But I'm not giving up just yet.

if things don't work out the way I want, I hope I can still look at it as a lesson learned.

[Gustafsone12584]

Your very welcome. Of what you said yesterday, and today is very shocking to me. You seem to have a bigger idea of how to handle things, and I‘m so grateful that you understand that from your age. You’ve got your head on your shoulders, and you’ll go far in life having those thoughts that you have, and the actions your taking.

It’s actually interesting. I’ve heard many times from woman my age saying that “guys aren’t everything”, and truly that’s correct in many ways. And from what you said “it just wasn’t meant to be”, and that’s true in life as well. You’ll find the right person within time. I’ve said this once before, but it stands true in your life as well “You can have that husband, that house you dream of, that family you want, but at the end, it’s who you are, and what you need to think about. And at these times in which your growing up you’ll start to understand that guys aren’t everything at this moment. Guys at the age of 14, don’t understand what a real relationship is. The one thing I’d hate to say, but in away guys aren’t the best until they reach my age, or older, because at that point we start to look at our life more, and want something meaningful.

Anyway I could talk for hours on this subject. A lot of what I talk about is from the heart, and what I believe to be true. It’s not rocket science, but a part in which we have to find our softer side, and look at things as a whole rather than seeing what we want to see. We can become very blinded in what we want, rather than hoping, and prying for what we need. But I guess to end this chapter, I’d like to say that I’m grateful to have had this talk with you, and to see what’s inside a 14 year old girl’s mind, because quiet frankly your very smart. You’ll find someone at some point along the way, and things in life will have it’s downs, but at the end you’ll find that true love.

[Asker]

I'm just trying to keep an open mind. I don't want to wallow in self-pitty or anything. I want to come out of this a better person. I don't think it's woth breaking my heart over.

& he sent me a friend request today on Facebook. I'm hoping it goes somewhere, but if not, I'm glad he got the courage to add me. :') it's good to know he really wants to be friends. thank you so much for all of your advice. I can't thank you enough.

[Gustafsone12584]

No problem...that's what we're all here for. To get answers to our hardest questions. You seem to have it going on for yourself. Just from what you've said is really machure on a lot of levels. That was a complete shock for me to read something so well said. Your complely right. On some hand it's about fallowing your heat. If this guy is truly Simone you want. Then by all means do what you can. But love shouldn't be a lot of work. There are a lot of areas in every relationship that needs some form of work. But when it comes to the first stages should flow like water. I know from my lifes lessons that there are rocks along the way, but within true love things will work out in the end... Much love to you, and I hope things work out for you, and I truly believe things will. From what I've read your very smart for your age :)

[Asker]

Thank you. :)

& if things don't work out, I'm not going to be mad at him. 1.) he's only 14. 2.) I'm his first girlfriend, so he doesn't really have an idea of how he should act. it hurts to let go, but I'd just have to look at it as "it just wasn't meant to be, & there's someone better out there." I'm thankful for the time we spent together. someone once told me I can't change anyone but myself. I think they're totally right.

[Gustafsone12584]

Sorry for the response. I hit a wrong key while responding back to your message... Anyway I'd tell him what your feeling. You don't have push things to far in which he'll get uncomfortable, but the letter would help respond to what your feeling, and it would give him a better idea of how your feeling in the process. And again it would brake the ice a little, and might help you two communicate, and help the shyness factor. And the only reason why I say a letter, is because you two know each other, if it where any other person that just has feelings for someone, then I'd tell them to go over, and talk, but sometimes that works just as well. But it really depends upon what you feel is the best way to approach him, and if your afraid of how he'd react then find another approach, because let's face it, he likes you, and you like him. There just was something wrong at the beginning that corresponded the break-up.

[Asker]

I'm sorry, I hate to keep asking you these questions, but what should I say? I mean just keep it short and to the point and just be like "where do we stand?" or just write "hey" and go from there? I'm sorry for being annoying here, I just don't know how to go about this. lol. all your advice is much obliged. :)

[Gustafsone12584]

I'd agree on the last comment... It seems to me that you'll have to talk to him, and see where he stands. I know you mentioned that your both are shy, so maybe writing him a note, expressing how much you care about him, and that you notice him as much as he does, might brake the ice a little, and it's another way of expressing your feelings towards him, and maybe giving him the idea of writing you something in return. Writing a letter is less intrusive, and gives it another area in which you two can talk things out, and feel more comfortable with each other...

Hope things work out

[Asker]

Thanks alot! I appreciate the advice.

if I wrote him a note, should I simply say "hey." or should I just not beat around the bush and tell him? I'm just afraid of how he'd react. lol.

[Gustafsone12584]

I'd

[ArtistBboy]

Talking with him sounds like your best route. It was a mutal breakup and maintaining a friendship. Being as he is shy, it's likely that you will have to show him what you're looking for out of a relationship if you both date again.

~ ArtistBBoy

[Asker]

Thanks!