Ex is being super nice and keeps asking "how are you doing" after a breakup - Just sympathy?

[Anonymous]

I just got dumped from a 9 month on/off relationship a week ago. My ex jumped right in a relationship with another guy.

We were never officially together, but we did have a connection going on very intimate level.

Well the breakup happened at a very bad time (I'm having trouble with my business, family member is ill, car broke down...). My ex knows about this.

The thing is she keeps asking me "how are you doing?". And I text/call back saying "I'm fine". And she says she's concerned about me. I'm trying to "fake it until I make it" because I need to stay tough/strong.

The hopeful/naive part of me wants to believe she still has some feelings. However the cold truth is maybe she has little/no interest in me and is just feeling guilty. I also told her straight up I am not interested in being just friends. Friend categories are for chumps...I got more self respect than that.

I guess part of me wants to be brutally honest to her next time she asks "how am I doing".

When she dumped me she gave me a list of excuses why we weren't meant for each other...but the real reason is she is no longer interested. I really want to hear that reason instead of a bunch of bs. I'm angry about being lied to, even though she was trying to lay me down with gentle hands. She also said at one point "you are very sensitive guy" and that also leads to me to believe that she lost interest.

I will admit that I REALLY want her to talk to me although its over. I know its best to get the hell out of this and ignore her. Easier said than done.

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when I say "never officially together" well we never had our relationship status change to be connect on Facebook although we meet and dated well over 10 times. She has changed for two other guys in the last 9 months. So that's why it's "on/off".

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The first time she dumped was because she was "insulted"...I actually aggressive sexually and didn't call her all the time. The second "on phase" I was much more respectful/less aggressive and let things go at "her pace".

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Also during our "off phases" I did date and sleep with a few other girls. It's sickeningly amazing how many other girls going willing to bed with me when I'm preoccupied thinking of someone else. I wanted to show her that "two can play at that game"

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I did a lot to avoid being labeled a "nice guy" in the beginning of the relationship, mostly by avoiding her in the beginning. Ironically that backfired. In the second "on phase" I opened at lot more. That didn't work either.

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This is just really bothering the hell out of me because I feel used. I also don't like being lied to...even white lies. I wanna to know the cold truth from her why she left. That's one of the reasons I keep talking to her.

[freebird87]

I know exactly what ur going thru. I went out with my boyfriend 4 over a year nd a half. He loved me I know that but he dumped me outa de blue 3 weeks ago saying he was confused as to wether I was the one or not . After he dumped me I decided I'm going on a working visa 2 oz for the year maybe more.And he says wen I come back we can give it another shot nd it may work then. I feel like he just sed that to ease the pain but its worse because it gives you false hope , I no dere was no1 else involved but I really feel he's either lying 2 me or he dusn't no what he wants. Its so hard wen you love sum1 who's rejected you but uv gota think of you here and put you first , she's contacting you because a) she misses the attention 4m you and b) she wants 2 keep her options open. I've no doubt that she still has feelings 4 you but she needs to grow up ,ur letting her mess with you nd hurt you more by contacting her back nd lettin her tell you bout al her new fellas. If she really respected you then she'd protect you 4m knowin bout her new fellas rather then flauntin em in ur face. You need 2 close that chapter nd move on I know its hard but however much you want her do you really wana be with sum1 that treats you like dis. She sounds like she doesn't no what she wants, cut her off completely nd shel come running back then u'l have de power back nd u'l decide nd you won't be that "sensitive guy" u'l be de man. Women crave hard strong men.

[Asker]

Yep women definitely crave strong guys.

[YouMeYou]

She misses you, but it really sucks if a guy is going through a tough time, and the relationship is fresh. Especially if the guy is depressed. Think of it this way, you meet a girl, and she just seems to have a lot to deal with. A lot of times, the newness of the relationship will not sustain the connection through the drama. Whoever she is seeing right now obviously is relatively drama free. Keep it positive around her, even through messages. It was on and off and that's a big thing. The reason why she never changed her status is because she was still deciding if she wants to stick around. It's weird how she would do it for other guys during your "off" times!

You will get past this, but please don't fall apart in front of her. Just be glad that she's shown you that she's not going to stick around when the chips are down. She is not there for you, and though she asks if you are okay, don't let it fool you. She dumped you when you really needed her. Just wait and see if she wants to all of a sudden see you once everything picks up. Do not ignore her, rather vent elsewhere. I you get the urge to text her, rather write it down in a notebook and keep it to yourself. Not just regarding her, but everything else. It really helps, because you force yourself to release the emotion you feel that way. Hope a girls perspective helps!

[Asker]

Thanks that was awesome.

[Asker]

Yeah from what I can tell the other guy does seem relatively drama free. The thing is I rarely complained about my problems to her....but on a few occasions I might mention something just to seem real/human. As a man I CANNOT go around telling everybody how depressed I am. It will make me look wimpy/weak. I am feeling a little more up though.

[YouMeYou]

I really get what you mean, when you say you didn't go out if your way to cry on her shoulder. Going through crap affects people even if they do not notice the personality change. It's great that you are making headway.

[katherrrrine545]

You guys were in a relationship. I'm sure she still cares for you and asks how you are doing not just for sympathy but simply because she cares. Just because you guys are no longer together doesn't mean she doesn't care. But, the thing is talking to her might spark your feelings back even stronger for her again and considering you guys broke up nine months ago this might be an issue. I don't know if ignoring her is the solution but possibly not showing much interest when talking to her because again, if you talk to her you will make it a lot more difficult on yourself to get over. Of course its hard to get over your ex but of what you explained she doesn't sound like the one.

[Asker]

She dumped me a little over a week ago. We dated on/off for 9 months. The breakup was very recent.

[katherrrrine545]

Oh, I'm sorry I read it wrong. Then I suggest giving yourself sometime to start to get over the break up and then maybe talk to her. Her talking to you won't help you at all for you to get over her.

[Asker]

So don't talk to her? I want to so bad. I guess I want more concrete reasons why I shouldnt be around her.

[katherrrrine545]

Yeah, I'd suggest not talking to her. use your willpower. The outcome of it all you will be happy with.

[edwin_ramos_89]

why would you want to talk to her and hear how great her life is with out you. when we love we sometimes make irrationals decision, I think if you didn't have feeling for her you would realized, that the best thing is to move on. I don't think you should be friends with her, you guys had a relationship there was intimacy, no one wants to downgrade and just be friends. By the way she jump right into a relationship with another guy, show how much respect she had for you. Sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. She may want you as a back up plan or maybe she just wants to talk to you to make life easier her.

Forget about her, it was her decision to end things, so make her regret the consequence of her decision. You get a hobby and had good clean fun. Try to make yourself better, so when someone talks about you, they said "wow his not the same guy that got dump". try being more ambitious about your work.

If she would had love you the least, she would had done, is something so trivial as to change her status on her Facebook. She's a typical girl, got bored of a nice guy, and know want to have fun in life, sleep around with a lot of men, and get ignore by them.

Best of luck.

[Asker]

Yep, you are exactly right. I actually let my guard down for her hoping that she was an "exception to the rule". Guess not.

I guess I want her to hurt as much as I do. During our first "off phase" another guy hurt her....karma....karma. I actually took the high road on this one and didn't laugh in her face. However I should have said she had it coming to her.

[SilentG]

She feels guilty, and will stay like that her whole life.

Best thing to do is leave her with her guilt and don't tend to show that you've forgiven her, she checks on you cause she thinks you're weak and can't live without her, that's why she won't come back (most likely) and let me make a wild guess and say it was the reason why she left you. Do and say things that will make her understand she is the one who has lost, not the other way round, and it doesn't matter if it made her less concerned about how you are, just do it and make it one part of your life style, like you've said, you're a man and you're tough.

[Asker]

Ouch....she left me because she thought I was "weak".....ouch...ouch...ouch. A crap I texted her while I was drinking last night.

I agree with what the rest you said. No fun being viewed as weak though.

[Asker]

Well one thing I can say is that I was very careful not to be TOO AVAILABLE when we were dating last time. E.g. she invited me to lunch but I declined because I had a legitimate place to be at the time. I would go days w/o texting/calling her. She said I was available enough as an reason to break it off. Human psychology being what it is I want to text everyday now since I've been dumped. VERY WEAK. You don't have to tell me I know. I'm really struggling to get over this though.

[SilentG]

Ouch dude, that's what I'm talking about, you need to change your life a little bit, don't only focus on the relationship side, try to be a greater man and more mean, make this girl an excuse to step up to the next level cause she really shook your feelings, guys usually start the change after a mean girl is gone, and stop the contact with her, make her miss you like hell.

[Asker]

Your right, 100%. I guess I keep trying to fool myself into thinking that "she is an exception to the rule" but she's not.

I am a greater man than this and I deserve BETTER than her.

[SilentG]

Yes buddy, exactly. All men in the world think their girl is so special and like no other, once they're off with her they start thinking why was I with that girl, was I blind or something... as men, we should only count on ourselves, we're independent, women are not, that's why you see girls in their 20's jumping from one guy to another like monkeys on trees... and remember we're all great beings, we only need to break our cuffs, those cuffs can be feelings, family, society,... anything.

[SilentG]

Stop thinking why she left, I'm telling it's either your fault or it wasn't logical, some crappy reason like her and how greedy she is, doesn't matter, when time passes with no contact you'll realize that what matters to girls of her kind is her own good more than anything else... focus on yourself in the meantime, don't look back, it really doesn't matter, it's nothing, and you're not going to do "better" if you keep tamed like this, free yourself as fast as possible.

[NirvanaChic]

well she talks to you because she knows you'll be nice and talk to her back. when she gets lonely or bored she's gonna want to talk to you because she can get a response, and may find that she can use you for something. but in reality she doesn't really have a right to talk to you because she wasn't kind to you. don't give her the satisfaction of thinking its ok to communicate with you. because its not..she broke your heart and that's that. sometimes you gotta be cold right back to someone. otherwise you're her fool. (same thing happened to me btw).

[Reeses-pieces777]

IF you want her to leave you alone , say it.

I got dumped by one ex. I do not talk to him and if we're in the same room I act like he's not there. In my mind he doesn't exist and I really don't like the guy.

it's up to you how much you want her in your life or none at all.

just get out, go out with friends, forget her. if you feel used, then that isn't a healthy relationship to maintain. move on.

[Asker]

Well its almost been 3 weeks with no contact. I'm getting more confident now that I haven't talked to her in a whle.

[PredictablePen]

yur just like me man...i appreciate the truth, and nothing but...anything else is bs and ear candy. I don't think its sympathy though. she at least has feelings for you still. its hard to tell how women feel for u, because they all act differently.

[SilentG]

Ear candy LOL