How do I handle the fact he chose someone else over me?

Question

So I've known this guy for half a year now, we hooked up on the second date in the beginning, then we wouldn't meet for a couple of months because I was studying in another country, then when I came back everything was fine for a month, we were seeing each other, I was staying at his place and he would tell me he likes me a lot and basically everyone out of his circle knew we were seeing each other. 

A couple of weeks ago, he became distant. I found out that he was seeing another girl and just decided to let him know about my attachment to him to let go emotions. And after that, he said that even though he really likes me, he is uncomfortable about seeing me anymore because of my attachment to him. Now his flatmates are telling me how he enjoys spending time with a new girl, how he tells them how hot she is and that she is just amazing. When asked about me, he refers to me as just a one night stand that got too attached. 

It hurts more not because he found someone else, but that after half a year of knowing each other he seems to just not care. How do I get over this?

SnowyOwl · Accepted Answer

Wow, you must really be hurt. I can't imagine how much... I don't know how much you liked him but I'll just want to let you know that no guy is worthy of your pain nor your tears.. Acting distant and like you meant nothing after all that time, it's so disappointing that there are people like that.. it's not your fault for developing feelings, but this guy doesn't sound worth your time. You probably hear this everywhere, but life really IS short. And you're not young forever. I'd suggest you don't waste your youth and energy on this guy, no matter how much you cared for him. You might keep a spot for him in your heart. But right now you have to surround yourself with new people. Not necessarily a new romance, but just friends. Have fun with friends to forget him. And spend time on self-development. Take on that hobby you always said you'd like to pursue. Like hand drawing, or learning a new language.. whatever it is. If you spend some time on yourself you will realize how worthy you are, and confidence will push you through anything. If you are happy with who you are, you will move forward. In the future, you'll look back on this guy and perhaps pity him, for his choices and not being able to do better... Also, confidence and a positive attitude will attract better people to your life ;) . Never give up!

jeffiner · Accepted Answer

Learn from it, thats the best thing to do when dealing with hurt. Firstly.. Boys (not men) are ego driven so you look better as a one night stand than you do as an ex girlfriend. That being said, if he says that you got too attached, then step back and analyse your behavior. Did you become to clingy? Did you want commitment before listening to what he wanted? Consider the both of your ages.. Im guessing early to mid 20s? .. you're still discovering who you are in this world, what you want, where you're going and how you're going to get there and while finding all those answers, you will understand what you have to offer a man in a relationship and what it is that you want as well. 😙 boys will tell you whatever you want to hear, its a 'gift' they have but fortunately we fall for it less and less as we learn to listen to what they say and can decipher whats the truth and what isn't. A Man won't tell you, he will show you -trust me.
As for the flatmates - they are enjoying watching you flinch every time they tell you something that is TOTALLY Unnecessary to say.
Instead of taking pain from this, take the lesson about you and move forward. (And if you think you're the first girl he's done this to, i promise you you're not! I also promise you that you won't be the last)

Shauny_B · Accepted Answer

Sounds like you were the unfortunate recipient of a perfect storm, a lady who is in touch with her feeling and emotion against a guy who seemingly at will can distance himself from his feelings and emotions.
Unfortunately, it's very rare you will get closure from him in the fashion of productive sentences that allow you to understand the man behind the man (so to speak) so you need to focus on you.
Surround yourself with your friends, they will form an essential support network, immerse yourself in things you like to do, reconnect with what makes you special, and wait.
Time will heal all wounds, you will come out stronger, and you will know what not to look for in future, this will all mean you will find that special one, who finds beauty in everything you do, who tells you just how special you are every day.
Wishing you all the best :)

-sexismoptional- · Accepted Answer

This is a tough one. Many have had to handle this situation before but, truth is, you are feeling its effects now and that is what matters.
It sounds like you love this person very much. Also, it sounds like he is dealing with intimacy issues of his own.
It is difficult for us men to investigate our experiences and the ways that our behavior is shaped by them. It takes years, and sometimes a lifetime, to overcome these issues and realise a new way of thinking.
I hate to say it but, time is your ally here. That said, don't waste it! This experience allows you the opportunity to recognize these patterns in men that you date in the future.
Think about what you need, what makes you happy, and what you'd like to avoid.
There is no better time to get to know yourself then when you're by yourself.

AwesomeCookie · Answer

@lindazilbert23 harsh! Just know some people don't count their losses until it's lost. Any amount of time spent with someone to be set aside is difficult, so next time make your relationship clear. Know that this one guy should ruin it for you & someone more important/special 😄

Anonymous · Answer

I feel bad for you I think you should have told him about your feelings from the beginning maybe he could have been upfront about it and told you since what he felt or thought about you. I feel the same way I liked a guy and I felt like he liked me too I could still feel it but 2 months later he got with someone else and it sucked seeing him with this other person I think that made it worse. I don't know he never told me he liked me but that's what I felt when I was around him I don't know if what's going on with this girl is serious or not but i know is i need to try to focus on myself on me for a good while and not focus on what he's doing if he's with her cause I know he is and it hurts. I know I will always have to see him cause he's friends with my family sucks even more. But I still hope that In the future things can work out between us. Right now I can't focus on him even though it's hard I have to look for other people or like I said focus on ME I know I can't keep waiting for him cause who knows what will happen but maybe it can in the future who knows and I'm trying to get over him also I changed my hair cause the girl had dark hair and I couldn't stand it so I went lighter I need to focus on school going back on my health/fitness career you should do it too.

scottalanmiller · Answer

there's no simple answer. But understand that these things happen. We all go threw it. We feel like we found something great and the other person thinks it was nothing. Bottom line is this wasn't a good match. you'll likely do this to a few guys in your time. Maybe more tactfully but you'll be on the fling side instead. Any relationship that doesn't last hurts... but itll get better quickly. Try not to dwell or worry. Better to have tried and decided it wasn't the right match than to not have found out.

SpeshalK · Answer

What the fuck. What an asshole. How could he just do that to a sweet precious beautiful girl? He must have no heart, I would never do that to any girl... and if there was a girl I was seeing who I didn't really have much intrest in intrest would let her know from the start, instead of carrying it on so that she thinks I like her... what the fuck... he's evil or jus doing it to boost his own ego and confidence.

But hey, Jus because he didn't want you doesn't mean someone else won't, I bet you are beautiful 😆😍💓💓

lernulo · Answer

I know its difficult, but you should give yourself an oportunity.
Im sure you are a valuable woman, so try to remember it when you feel bad.
Its obvious he lived the relation in a way you didn't, after when you can see back without emotional restricts, you will be able to see the details which marked you didn't mind so much to him.
First, He said you liked him, not he loved you, it begins to say, he isn't thinking in a long term, many times its just the beginning, but if time pass and he doesn't change...
About how to take that a jerk say you were a night who got caught.
First, remember he is a jerk
Second, he thought about it, not you, so begin by letting clear you aren't a night stand.
Third, search for man who sees more there that hot.

A good question to discover it is to ask him what does he like from you, and compare with qualities you know you have.

The test let you discover if he is seeing you or not.

Its more difficult to let you like it, if he sees you as you are.

DonRomeo · Answer

Answering the basic question: he didn't choose someone else over you. The great thing is, that is actually the truth. I've been there once, and thought the same. But really it wasn't that she was choising him 'over' me. It was just that they were seeing eachother more often, it was more practical, and we'd already been distant, so she took the most immediate option, and went with it so as not to stop the flow. Its not all about you or me, its the situation that people find themselves in. It isn't based on attraction or how worthy you are. Admittedly, that took me years to realise, through girls feeling like I was choosing someone else over them. It actually just doesn't work like that.

I wish I had someone to teach me that back then though!

FMJ_Guy · Answer

I know a lot of you, younger ones call me 'Gramps,' and mock some of my posts, but maybe listen to this one, and understand, OK?
I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, MANY TIMES!! You thought you found "THE ONE" and a few of mine, were maybe closer, and more intimate, than you describe, for yours!!
Even in the same CITY, sometimes, it happens. She found someone she thought was better, or convinced her that he was more, and better, and she went with him, dumping me.
I haven't even done that, to anyone. Some don't have problems being close, intimate, and then just leaving at a moment's notice.
From my years, and experience, YOU WILL GET OVER THIS, and find someone EVEN BETTER!!
Each time you get hurt by someone, guy or girl, you need to look at what you did, thought, and LEARN from that!!
It hurts, I know, but I also know that this didn't work for you because someone better, and more like what you want, is out there, waiting for you to find them!!!

ChronicThinker · Answer

Not to kick you when you're down, but this is why I tell women not to hookup. Whether guys or gals want to admit it, you lose your value to a guy once you do it. You become the "easy one," or the "one that wasn't all that serious."

Obviously, distance played a part. You guys were casual, this other girl likely wasn't. This doesn't mean you're actually a less-valuable person, but unfortunately, you can't control how the male mind works. If you want something serious, you have to approach it seriously. If you approach things casually, they often stay casual.

I'm really sorry this happened, it sucks. I hope there's a lesson to be learned.

ThatPersonOverThere · Answer

Could be worse.
Imagine the person you love unconditionally instead chose a person who repeatedly beats them bloody and has put them in a hospital multiple times. Imagine the person you love essentially said "I consider this abusive high school drop out minimum wage earning, drug addicted loser to be a better choice than you."

People do dumb shit. You're young, you will absolutely be able to find a guy who thinks the world of you. You can't hold yourself accountable for the decisions of others.

That's life. We all fall for the wrong people. Just keep moving forward, your day will come. Best wishes 😊

Anonymous · Answer

I'm sorry to hear that. It's possible that you assumed some things along the way, but it doesn't seem like he's a quality guy.
The good news is, it seems like his buddies have actually more respect and consideration for you than that guy does and were decent enough to let you know where you stand.

I think you should be thankful for that and carry on in your own path with dignity and certainty you did nothing wrong - except perhaps jumping into an intimate relationship without discussing the vital topics: feelings, views on life and future, etc. and without actually knowing the guy. Or so it seems.

Anonymous · Answer

That's why I've always thought that hooking up too soon would not be a good move, because then the guy can say that the girl was just for "one night stand."

Moreover, nobody knew what he was thinking when you hooked up with each other. Maybe he just had infatuation about you, and didn't plan on anything serious, or even, he might just dump the new girl after a while and go on to find another girl who's "hot" and "amazing." (It sounded like he was describing her sexually)

But, who knows?

When both of a guy and girl are not on the same page, it can hurt when one is looking for long-term relationship, while the other just wants a friend with benefits.

Sarisalive · Answer

Well, first of all before you give someone your body you should know who they are first so that you are not giving it away to a complete jerk. Second, at the start of your relationship with him you should have asked him "where is this going?" and "what is this to you?" So that you'd know how he sees you and what he wants from you.

As for getting over him, try not to think about him. When around his friends, tell them that you don't want to hear about him nor talk about him. And try to keep yourself busy so that you won't find yourself thinking about him

theonlyvmo · Answer

Hook up with me instead to make him jealous. Just kidding, in all seriousness, I found out about 2 years ago that my ex girlfriend cheated on me with FIVE different guys in the course of a month. I had treated her like an angel, I had paid for literally everything the whole year we were dating, I honestly think she was the first girl I ever loved (which I didn't even think love was an actual thing until I met her.) Needless to say, I learned the hard way through the toxicity of this relationship that even if you have deep feelings for someone, if they don't care that they're hurting you either with words or actions, it's a toxic relationship and you need to distance yourself. Just my two cents, good luck, and I really hope you make the right choice for you.

Goddess_Gag18 · Answer

That's too bad this guy pulled this little antic on you. But take some space and heal and focus on yourself now. He is not worth it. You may have seen the red flag signs of a guy who wasn't worth it but were too blind to admit it. Move on. Don't look back and don't take him back.
Feel better very soon, girl, plenty of more guys worth you time.

Aheemas93 · Answer

I know this sucks and probably hurts more than any of us here can imagine but the only thing you can really do is move on. It sucks to hear this when you're hurting but its the truth. And it may feel like you will never get over him and that the pain will never get better

Logorithim · Answer

It's difficult and it's probably going to take awhile. Hang out with friends, maybe travel a bit if you can in order to distract yourself, then talk to other guys. You should forget all about him when another guy you're interested in enters the picture.

Yalfoosh · Answer

Recognise that he wasn't looking for a romantic relationship and that you overstepped your boundariea and move on. It's not like there was ever any chance, someone made a stupid mistake, or anything to regret. He just wasn't looking for the things you offered.

yeeeeeeeet · Answer

That sucks, but communication is everything. You should have told him your intentions and he should have told you his. As for getting over it, just know that there are lots of people out there that can't even get into a relationship in the first place, let alone a one night stand. There are people that just stay virgins because they're incompatible with everyone. At least you're not that guy lol

Anonymous · Answer

I am in a similar situation, but in my case it went on for 2 years and there were feelings involved on both sides. We were not living in the same country, I was madly in love and wanted a ldr and one month after I told him he dumped me for someone else.

I liked him a lot but I have to recognize that objectively, he’s not a very attractive guy on the market: he’s lazy, penniless, does drugs... he stringed me along for 2 years because he knew he had hit the jackpot with me but than decided ha handy hole to get off in was better than a perfect girlfriend living far away and gathered dati g this poor girl who’s painful to look at from how ugly she is.

I’d just want to write him the nastiest things and ruin his life like he ruined mine, but than, I still love him and don’t want to harm him in any way.

Don’t know how to get over it.

Daechir · Answer

What you need is someone to speak to, on a personal level, but not in person. This gentleman and you had intercourse, which all people enjoy. However, you would have no way of knowing the emotions or intentions of this person. My recommendation is this: use the internet. Begin speaking to someone, but make it clear that will not meet up, or send nude photos, (Unless of course you choose too), and speak to them. Connect with another being on an emotional and intellectual level, knowing that they are connecting to you for the very reason of connecting to you. No strings. This is a nice temporary solution, to ease the pain and fill emotional needs. After that, it is of course completely up to you to decide how you would like to proceed in your own life.

spidermonkey1133 · Answer

He sounds like the type that's just trash and not worth worrying about. He knows how to sweet talk and get in girls heads so they think he likes them and when he gets bored he leaves, unfortunately you probably weren't the first and most likely won't be the last person he breaks the heart of. I can't stand guys like this

bcc99 · Answer

He’s a frog and will always be a frog, find another better frog than that throw that beautiful heart at him and eventually you’ll find a prince... the longer it takes the better because you’ll end up with a better and better frog each time you take a chance... wait or warts I can’t remember exactly how that goes :)

bigblue1029 · Answer

The biggest mistake was hooking up on the second date if he was looking for a relationship that told him that that is all you wanted deb and now he has what he was looking for and you will just have to wait until he is free again and it would be best to just let it go until he is free again

bethshepherd · Answer

Life can be great at times and horrible at other times. Welcome to the real world. It is not as if you were married with kids and he ran off with some young piece leaving you with kids and bills to take care of. Just dust yourself off and move on. And learn that you can be too clingy and needy and do something about it.

guyasef · Answer

Well, maybe you should not care either. Would you feel better if he did this latervon in the relationship? The sooner, the better. Tip, avoid one night stands and casual intercourse. Physical intimacy better suits one who is more intimate to your heart.

djmzes · Answer

Simple Your mistake was you have sex with someone that did just used you for a piece of flesh...

Anonymous · Answer

That's very cruel. He should have not string you along then dump you. He'll probably do it with the other girl too... I think do yourself a favor and count it as a lucky escape. Imagine being pregnant or having kids for * that*

Liana23 · Answer

I know how hard these situations are. It is not a nice feeling at all espically where you got feelings for him and he hadn't for u.
He sounds like a player to me and your better off without him. I would be thinking its his lose and now gives u a chance to find someone better.
You will feel heartbroken for at least s couple of weeks until u actually realise and think 'Im better then that'

Anonymous · Answer

You move on, you realise it won’t work and just carry on.

I’m a touch pissed at this because it was 6 months off and on and you are treating this as some sort of in depth long term relationship? My boyfriend cheated after 5 and a half years and I was there the whole time. Yes, your relationship meant something, but you were hardly having a baby or planning a life. It’s a break up. You move on like anyone else.

questformytelos · Answer

Let it hurt, and then move on. Understand that people regularly make stupid decisions that are counterintuitive to what is really best for them. Learn from it, and move on

lollitalapirraaa · Answer

First- Delete him everywhere
Second- Ignore him
Third - Forget him
Fourth- Move on with your life

He doesn't deserve neither you and neither your time. It happened to me too. I slept with him on the first date after that kept seeing him for a year and then discovered he impregnated her ex. I simply forgot him. It was hard but it was worthy. Do the same and next time wait a bit longer to have sex, guys like the chase

Myk13 · Answer

Forget about anybody than can treat another person like that. Move on with your life as if it never happened. You may think that it’s easier for men to that. It’s not. Its tough for everybody with feeling. It’s just what you have to do for self preservation.

Rushabh52 · Answer

See many boys tend to find other girl if his girlfriend is away.. your ex is no exception as he had done the same to you.. It hurts but if you see other side of situation than you will find that he wasted your 6months only coz a guy who is really in to you will never try to find his interest in other girls wen his girlfriend is away...

I personally don't think that a guy fall in a serious relationship in time span of just 6 months...

KermitDaFuccboii · Answer

If his thought of you after knowing this guy for half a year and going on several dates with him is that you're a "one night stand that got too attached" then i'd say that you're better off without him.

siddhu33 · Answer

It's quite natural for u to feel such a way. But I think u have given him more than he deserves. U should have taken some more time for that

annoguy19 · Answer

Well, i dont know how you deal with yourself at the moment, but dont blame yourself. I hope you realize that his decisions are his and that it is not your fault. second, what would you rather want? Because behind every pain, there is a desire? What is yours?

MrMilti · Answer

Just continue with your own life, focus on your own progress in things you want to achieve and be open for meeting new people, just like everyone else.

MindTime · Answer

It's no use getting upset over someone who doesn't care for you. Just learn from it and find someone who does care

ScaryCool · Answer

You guys had a one night stand but did you guys actually TALK for that half of the year of you just kept your feelings inside for that half of the year?

Riggers · Answer

Well,, you said it yourself.. you were just a one night stand that got too attatched. And there was never anything more then that. Best thing you could do i guess is just think of him the same he's thinking of you.

Guy30031994 · Answer

Give some time to yourself first do something you like and enjoy to have some fun on your own so you can be happier then find someone who is looking for a girl that doesn't mind the attachment

LifeEqualsLove · Answer

Realize that time heals all. If it were meant to be, it would of been!

IlyaTheImpaler · Answer

find a new guy to have one night stand with, ez And no he didn't choose the other girl because you became attached 😂😂😂, he simply picked the hotter chick

Bluedream13 · Answer

don't worry so much about getting over this as how are you going to move forward in life so that this doesn't happen again. Don't advertise yourself as a slut! Make him wait! Yeah this will mean less sex, and this is why nobody wants to do it!

infantry70 · Answer

Well you could do what every body else does and find your rebound man. Or if you feel devious, you could always sleep with his flatmate's, don't hold back either.

bennnnnnnnnn · Answer

Well, you just realised that you are too good for him. And he doesn't deserve you.  Everything happens for a good reason, and believe that what ever happened, it will benefit you the most.

cedrov · Answer

Just put yourself in priority and get in shape focus on ur goals and what you love to do enjoy life ignore him , when he want to see you , dont see him , turn that page and move on

sayitaintso85 · Answer

Just remember The sun will rise tomorrow and so will you

Loulouchuchu · Answer

Doesn't matter how long you've known him for. He feels more towards her than you. Sorry, it's life. You'll find someone you like a lot eventually too. more than him. X

flowery123 · Answer

Shit... he’s moved on and that’s the harsh reality so you should too go get yourself someone worth your time

muteant · Answer

Time. As you hurt your brain is slowly working it all out. Self doubt, hormones, questions, etc. It will all go around your head in circles for a while until one day things just start getting better.

MasterDaddyUK · Answer

A sucky position to be in but there is really only one thing you can do.. Learn and move on with your life. Sorry to be so blunt, but sugar coating it won't change it.

depeche2015 · Answer

i'm sorry you deserve better. anyone that leaves someone for someone else is trash in my opinion

infamous48 · Answer

Unless you don't know your worth thanks you should know she's not better than you so fuck him you obviously don't need that negativity in your life no one does

brezzaxo765 · Answer

To be honest you were just a hook up to him.  If yoy knew you were gonna get attached you shouldn't have put yourself in the position. Yeah it sucks but you kinda set yourself up for heartbreak

Lance1965 · Answer

That is a part of life, sadly. Most people will go with someone else if they think the other person is a better catch. That doesn't mean they are though and yeah, rejection hurts.

alimusharfx111 · Answer

You came back for him ? He ditched u. I don't think he is a good person he doesn't care for ur feelings. I can understand ur suffering very well. Just pursue ur career at this stage don't go after anyone !

CandyCaneZoe · Answer

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone.

ASkoomaAddict · Answer

Fuck him. Find yourself a real man. Only boys leave women like this. You're better off not giving him any more thought.

Arctic_Fox · Answer

Sometimes it just doesn’t work, that’s fine. You’ll find someone else better.

How do I handle the fact he chose someone else over me?

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He chose someone else over me?

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