Cheating, is it a "mistake", or a "decision"?

Question

Cheating... What do you think? Is it a "mistake"? Is it a bad decision?

My perspective:

I look at it as a series of bad decisions. It was no accident that a person meet another of the opposite sex... Not an accident that the two DECIDE to see each other naked... Not an accident that a vajina was penetrated by a penis. All seem intentional to me. So how is it a mistake? Someone mistakenly went into a room or place where someone (that is not the significant other) else were naked, tripped, fallen and a penis mistakenly penetrates a vajina? Don't seem like a mistake, because if I entered a room wherein a naked person not being my significant other is, I would exit and part my ways. I can honestly say I have never cheated or even flirted with another woman if I am committed to someone. I can not imagine myself cheating, and don't understand the compulsion to do so.

I was confronted with an opportunity of cheating, but nothing happened because I controlled the situation. The only thought in my head was if my fiance cheated on me, I'd rip her f*cking heart out of her chest... and I'd expect the same for myself if I were to cheat on her. What are these people thinking?!?

I was cheated on once, and I caught her in the act, with my roommate while I was in the military 8 years ago. She claimed it were a "mistake"... I laughed, and then scoffed,"So you mistakenly fell on top of him naked and his penis 'mistakenly' went inside of you, right? Get the F*ck out of my face, or I'd kill you where you stand." I ended the relationship that instance. And she gave me back my damn ring too.

However, I want to see what you think... Do you consider it a "mistake" or a "decision" when it comes to cheating?

I want explanations... Explain your answer.

chiba · Accepted Answer

You are absolutely right. Cheating is a choice. Why do people do it? There are lots or reasons why. Sex drive, curiosity, instincts, variety, boredom, revenge, experimentation, for fun, its taboo I mean the list goes on and on. I believe the biggest reason is because the opportunity exist to do so now more than ever. The temptation will always be out there. I think most people are naive about accepting reality. Most people like to say if you love me you should trust me blah, blah, blah. Trust to me is like cash money. You just don't go out and start giving it away to anyone. It has to be earned. They have to prove to me that they really do care not just about me but about our relationship and that they will not do anything or even take a chance, no matter how big or small it might be, on risky behavior that could lead to cheating.

It is all really about control like you say. It amazes me that considering that we are one if not the most intelligent beings on the planet that people can't seem to comprehend this simple concept. People like to engage in risky behavior. For example. Having friends of the opposite sex when your committed to someone. Now most people will say he/she is just a friend. What they fail to realize is that they are engaging in risky behavior that COULD lead to something happening. The key word is COULD. You want to be with someone who has enough common sense to know that in order to prevent infidelity they need to keep themselves out of situations were things COULD happen. That means they need to learn to control the situation and leave or not put themselves into a situation were a supposed mistake COULD happen. Most people are to stubborn to look at relationships from this perspective. "Nothing is going to happen...their just friends...just a co-worker...girls/guys night out...bachelor/bachelorette parties." This is what most tend to say. Everyone usually has good intentions in the beginning put to engage in activities like this your pretty much playing with fire. Just look at your situation with your roommate who I'm sure was your friend and was your fiance's friend as well. Your fiance played with fire by hanging around your roommate when you were not there and look what happened. You got burned. The truth is in a relationship you both have work at keeping each other loyal to one another. This is not something that only one person in the relationship should the burden of doing themselves. I believe that in order to stay faithful both parties need to help each other to do so just like in all other areas of a relationship like managing finances, communication, having a good sex life and so on. Research shows that the most successful relationships that have 100 percent loyalty are the ones that practice this simple principle.

ArtistBboy · Accepted Answer

It's neither. Cheating isn't rational nor irrational unless an exterior force is applied (for example, revenge).. So as to say, most people don't wake up saying "I'm gonna cheat on __ because of ___ reason"... Nor do they say: "I wasn't in control of my body and as such I wasn't cheating, it just happened"..

Cheating is Non-rational.. So as to say, it cannot be described logically; similar to emotion.

If someone "Feels" a strong level of attraction to someone else - then there emotions will make them desire to interact with that person; as much as their conscious mind may want to fight those desires, there is nothing that "Shuts off" or "blocks" these desires.. They are there, or they are not.

So your trying to say: A) It's a decision.. Or B) it's a mistake.. While I choose an option that doesn't exist: C) It's unexplainable.

Most answerers here say it's a decision.. I can see where the point may come into play and where it seems a logical argument - but explain to me how someone "chooses" to cheat on their ex - if they aren't a derranged psychopath. I don't see any "logic" in a situation that isn't controlled by logic (a situation controlled solely by emotions). Sure, it's logical that either the girl or the guy may make a move to express their emotions, but the emotions hold the direct power of the situation.

Then as for it being a mistake - No one can simply say: "I was there, it happened; I didn't have any power over it"... Because I can gaurantee that if you don't have a strong enough will power to get up and leave a situation like that; you would have already been tempted to play in high speed traffic as frogger. Go ahead and argue the non-comparison but I'd prefer not to waste my time - The comparison is that there isn't one. You aren't going to jump out in high speed traffic; just like how you aren't going to let a complete stranger just rape you.. Not gonna happen, at least not without a battle.

So there, that's my $.02 on the debate.. As for your situation - I think you made the right damn move. Obviously she didn't care enough about you to fight her emotions, but a mistake? Bullsh*t. You don't just mistakenly fall into anything - you have emotions, you have personal choice, and you have ethical choice.. The emotions she felt were strong for this other guy, her personal choice was to mess around with him, but the ethical choice would have been to stop talking to him.. She chose against that and messed up - where she got rightfully dumped and ridiculed.

As for you controlling the situation previously described to where you were cheated on - that was you making the ethical choice, the right choice for all parties, not just yourself.

~ ArtistBBoy

ElleB123 · Accepted Answer

No matter how you try to spin it, at the end of the day cheating is a decision. I think that in some cases a person may cheat on their partner for whatever reason and at some point feel remorse for their actions. They realize that his/ her behavior was a bad decision and that they made a mistake in executing their actions. These kinds of people carry guilt and shame with them which prevents them from ever making the same "mistake" again. You do something once on accord of bad judgment and your decision could be considered a mistake. You do something more than once then it becomes intentional- kind of like the saying, "I'll try something once, twice if I like it."

I've been in a few relationships where I have been cheated on by my boyfriends. With one guy, I broke up with him after learning of his infidelity and he begged me, many times crying, to take him back every day for nearly 3 months. Because his shame and remorse was obvious I eventually forgave him, feeling as if although it was a bad decision he made at the time he had made a mistake. However, I never took him back.

In another instance, I dated a guy for over a year and at some point had become paranoid and anxious of him being unfaithful. I never really found anything to completely tie everything together- it was all speculation, if you will. Toward the end of our relationship I found out that he had been seeing another girl and cheated a few times with her behind my back. The whole time it was happening I tried to ask if there was someone else but he always lied and said I was the only girl in his life. It wasn't until I found out about her and spoke to her that I learned the truth. After that, all of his lies and cheating started to unfold as I found out about several other women he had been involved with all the while telling me that he loved me and was going to marry me. Once confronted he could still barely admit to everything.

All infidelity hurts but this by far has been the most painful. He made elaborate lies and fabricated stories ALL the time to try to cover his tracks and keep me in the dark. To say his decisions to cheat were intentional would be an understatement. I never thought he would do something like that to me especially because when we first began dating we would both agree that we never understood cheaters and why people would be in a relationship with someone if they still want to sleep around. It is sick to think that a person could be so deceitful and heartless.

jenny_30 · Accepted Answer

I have always said that cheating means you don't respect your partner, and you don't love her or him, cause if you really loved him you would respect her. My es parner was cheating on me , didn't know he was engaged to a girl, he always told me he was single and wanted to share just with me. He shared with me almost 7 months , calliing me all days, and I always visted him on weekens or randoms day in teh weeks, caus e I work and study mas master.

i feel horrible when I knew it and feel pity on his fiance. He just one day sended me a message he doesn't want to keep seeing me and he was sorry of all that happened.

So it was not a mistake, it was a decision he mame to share with me, he didn't care of me or his fiance, jsut about himself. It was a decision, he kept it for all those months.

So cheating is not a mistake, if a desicion selfih person do for vengance or just because they don't love their partner as much as they think, or just becaus ethey are for convinience with their partner, among other things, But cheating for me means no love, no respect, and a true selfish person...

And people keep cheating because they know their partner will forgive them, and after time has passed they will do the same..Specially cheater thet keep having affair for months with the same person, if they regret it, the first time he did he would stop but he did not...

babygirltiffie · Accepted Answer

its definitely a decision but maybe in a way a mistake because you werent in the right train of thought or something. say your drunk or high(yeah you chose to do it knowing you might be a total different person), but if your someone who gets really messed up and does things you typically wouldnt, I think its really a mistake with that...but ultimatly drunk, sober, high, depressed, vonerable, lonley...whatever..you still did it, you allowed your clothes to come off, you don't just lay there you actually move when you have sex so you can't just say I fell it went inside me and that's it. so I agree with you about 80 or 90%, but maybe it could honestly be a mistake from your train of thought or something along those lines. I know I've done some seriously messed up stuff and I don't think I even knew what I was doing, like I wasn't even myself almost. kinda the same with domestic abuse etc, sure you did it but maybe you were blacked out or whatever, or drunk...drinking does messed up sh*t to you sometimes and so do drugs. I probably repeated a lot of stuff, just making sure you understand what I'm saying.

Anonymous · Answer

Cheating is a DECISION. Its made by selfish people you have no respect or love for anyone, not even themselves. The only time a cheater sees it as a mistake is when they are caught. They know exactly what they are doing while they are doing it. They dot magically forget everything that you the other put into that relationship. I seriously f***ing hate anyone who cheats, I don't care how they treat you,cheating is just wrong. having someones trust is having control over their future. You break that trust and you change how they will view everyone else for the rest of their lives. There is no starting over, there is no excuse. It doesn't matter how lonely you are or how much you like someone else. You enter a relationship. How is it fair that the other person invest so much of their time,money and heart to you so it could be thrown away? Any woman who cheats on her man whose out fighting for our freedoms and rights should go to jail and charged with treason.

My Ex a few years ago made the choice to abort our child so she could still have a future. to get a job and do something with her life. As much as I wanted that child I gave her the choice and stood behind her. We were engaged, both in college and young. I never cheated on her and I was always good to her. Within 2 weeks of killing our kid she slept with 2 guys at the same time. Lied to me and left to her uncles and for 6 months dragged me in the dirt and manipulating me til I felt like a killer. While she was out sleeping with this guy and that one. When I found out I confronted her and she didn't even have the respect to tell me to my face. I wasted 7 years of my life to this woman. And even then she still tries to come back into my life and within a week of trying she runs back to whomever she was with or tries to while she is with someone.

people who cheat have no self respect. They hate themselves to the point that they don't care who they hurt along as they get that moments high from their own miserable lives.

Cheaters, do us good men the favor of killing yourselves.

- Love Jesus Christ.

Dragonblood21 · Answer

I think you are viewing the term "mistake" a little poorly. A mistake has nothing to with it being accidental, without decision, or without intention at all. It's just simply having bad judgment or doing something you now regret. In fact I'd go as far as to say you would actually -need- to make a decision in order to make a mistake otherwise it would just be an accident. That's where the two words differ. If you were to ask "Do you consider it a decision or an accident when it comes to cheating?" well then now it's obviously a decision.

Anyway, enough diagnosing your question. I agree that this was the person' decision to do these things. It was no accident, and for the period of time that person was cheating, they were obviously not thinking about me at all, and for that they don't deserve to be with me. I would be thinking about them consistently, before it ever came into any actions at all, only simply if the girl was flirting with me. If I love someone, or even just care about them in some way, it would be going through my head that I am with them, and that this girl should back off, because I have no interest in her. If maybe these thoughts weren't going through my head, perhaps it would be time to break up with the person I am in a relationship with.

Now this doesn't mean you can't find others -attractive- while in a relationship, or even sexually attractive. It just means that if you have desire to cheat on your relationship partner, your relationship with said partner can't be very strong (or at least not anymore). Unless of course you have an open relationship to these types of things, but those are pretty rare.

Anonymous · Answer

I think that "cheating" could be both a *mistake* & a *decision. It really all depends on the situation that has occurred. (example) If your husband/wife cheats on you. You make the "decision" or choice if you will to either except what has happened and move on, or to retaliate and do the same. Which leads nowhere. (example 2) A woman/man is out at a party/bar and gets heavily intoxicated. (thus being vulnerable) She/he could very easily be taken advantage of. Then in the Am realizing what had occurred the night before (most of the time its only partial details) Making this a "mistake" because, the high level of vulnerability cause by amount of alcohol/other that has been consumed at once.

*But then again you also shouldn't have put yourself in the type of situation that may cause you to be that vulnerable in the first place. Regardless of if your male or female. Anything can happen.

*So basically what I think it all comes down to is that I would never classify "cheating" as a "mistake". A regret maybe, but never a "mistake". My reasoning being every "decision" you make has an outcome. Whatever that outcome may be is "in the end" what you decide to make it.

1stblackx · Answer

Definitely a decision.

I mean no one ever tripped and "accidentally" had their penis fall into a random vagina.

Think about the process of sex, its not just boom we f***ed and now we are done. Its a whole process and if its to the point where both people have individually unbuttoned their pants then there are more than enough times to say no. If you can't say "I can't do this I have a boy/girl friend" then you really want to be doing whatever you are doing with someone.

Even if you bring alcohol into the situation, the majority of people use this excuse way to leniently. Just because it was in a song doesn't mean its completely 100 percent OK to just automatically use as an excuse.

Its after the cheating has actually taken place when it finally becomes a mistake. The whole "WHAT HAVE I DONE", comes into play and you start thinking of every excuse possible to not hold yourself accountable when in all actuality you made the decision to cheat.

Just because you feel bad about it after doesn't mean it was a mistake.

Anonymous · Answer

Decision! I think that if you are willing to cheat on your girlfriend or boyfriend no matter the situation (Drunk included) then why are you with them? ha ha cheating doesn't make sense to me at all

I don't think you could be in the act of cheating on someone without at least think once "I'm cheating" so even if the situation a raised where you could or started to cheat on someone then there is also that period where in your head you think "I'm cheating and make the decision to continue or to stop. And if you continue than I think that defines what you feel for the person you are with.

BUT

I don't believe that if you have cheated in the past you will cheat on your next relationship cause I think that your willingness to cheat can be measured by your feeling for the person you are with (Not that only of course but it has to factor in)

I mean if you want to sleep with someone else and risk losing the person you are with then your relationship can't be that important to you right? So why be in that relationship in the first place. I have never cheated and never will..But at the same time I would never forgive someone that cheated on me.. Well forgive maybe but I couldn't stay with them or forget they did it.

Belleast · Answer

Its a decision.  I say that because we are responsible for our own action.  It is also an act of selfishness.  A person decides what he/she wants to do and doesn't care who they will hurt along the way.  If they get caught, they will come up with all sort of excuses to defense themselves but if they don't get caught, well they will just do it again.  Everyone makes mistakes sometimes but it also depends on what kind of mistakes they made.  If its beyond their control, it is acceptable but if it is within their control and yet still do it, then it is obviously their decision and not a mistake.

truecolor · Answer

It is a value issue. Some people are OK with it and they say it is a mistake because they acted on an impulse. But you don’t do that if it is not in your nature and call it a mistake later on. So, after it happens, you say it is a mistake, well didn’t you think about the consequences of your actions? So I don’t buy the mistake story.

It is certainly a decision, you decide and do it and you don’t care about the consequences at the time you are doing it. It is great that you did not cheat on anyone because you have good values. I am with you on that. Why cheat? So you can have it both ways. If you don’t want the relationship just get out of it and do what you want to do. It is all about values my friend.

Anonymous · Answer

Question asker: Why are you slating everyone that says that it's a "mistake"? You ASKED A QUESTION, therefore have to be prepared when people disagree! You can't just go about telling them that they're wrong... what's the point of asking the question then? Why not just write an article?

Now with that out of the way...

The dictionary describes a "mistake" as a "lapse of judgement", a "misguided action".

It is fair to say, for someone to cheat, it may well BE a lapse of judgement...

Not everyone cheats as a form of malice. I've been cheated on, but I know that the guy who cheated on me cared about me greatly, and didn't want to intentionally hurt me. He found someone else who he fell for, and was MISGUIDED in the fact that he didn't break up with me when he should have done, long before they committed such acts.

It was a mistake. His judgement was flawed, and his actions were wrong. A wrong action IS a mistake.

Nobody "decides" to cheat. Look at the word "decision". A decision is come to after much thought and consideration. Nobody is DECISIVE when cheating. They think "Oh, this is wrong.. I want to but... I can't... but I really want to... I shouldn't... this is going too far... but I want this..."

There is NO decisive action.

It's all flawed judgement. A skewed reality.

Cheating is a mistake. Yes, an unforgivable one, but you don't just decide to.

Phoenix52 · Answer

It's a decision. When a female/male are commited to each other, that LOGIC alone should be reason enough NOT TO CHEAT with someone else.

A primary reason why idiots consider it to be a 'mistake' is because they let their emotions run crazy and get caught up in the moment and go with it. They throw logic out the window and let their crazy lustful emotions loose.

A good person, guy or girl, will keep their emotions in check and hold their senses of what's right and wrong. And they won't dare to cross the line of betraying their significant other.

A bad person won't give a sh*t about anybody, and they'll go ahead and be selfish in their behavior no matter who finds out about it.

rachiee · Answer

A mistake is a decision in my opinion. You decide to make that mistake and it not turning out right was just because you chose the wrong decision. I think cheating is pointless. If you can't settle down with one person then you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. No one forces anyone to put their sexual organ into/near someone else and if they are then that's called a rape and a whole different topic. To me its like someone blaming their friend for letting them get drunk, your friend didn't pour the alcohol down your throat. I think people who think it was a mistake use that as a way for damage control and an excuse. Of course its hard to say no for some people but its still your decision to say no, only you control your body and its actions.

watuneed · Answer

It is NEVER unintentional... its not like you were walking along tripped and fell and your d*** fell into a vagina... it is always a conscious decision to do so... it doesn't always mean you don't respect your partner. The problem is that the human male (like every species) has a drive to impregnate as many females as possible, to create as many offspring with his genes as possible, which is to ensure the continuation of the species. However, over time humans have also 'learnt', primarily due to an evolutionary need to ensure there was someone who would care for them when they got sick, to stay with 1 partner... some people have a better 'override' function then others - its not a respect thing, its an ability to follow the accepted social norm and over-ride that inner desire

TheAnswerer · Answer

We don't make mistakes.

When we decide to do something, and the outcome is not as we have predicted, we later define our decision as a mistake.

No one says they are currently making a mistake, because you judge if your decision was wrong or not, and THEN call it a mistake.

So, I think it's all about decisions.

Boogaloo · Answer

Even just kissing someone is a decision. I've always said that. There is a decision involved in letting someone of the opposite sex get physically close to you, thre is a decision involved in flirting with them or letting them know it is safe to proceed, eg. put their hand on your back, there is a decision involved in getting into a position where a kiss might happen, and there is the decision to kiss and furthermore - maintain the kiss.

Nothing happens by mistake.

MrVashMan · Answer

Cheating is both a decision and a mistake. I think you're confusing "mistake" with the word "accident". Mistakes can be intentional. Accidents are unintentional by definition. So to answer your question "Is cheating a decision or an accident?", I'd say it's a decision. It's not like people don't know what they are doing when they are f***ing someone who isn't their bf/gf...unless they're unconscious and the other person is just going to town with them. So many people are only sorry after they get caught.

KeliKanna33 · Answer

cheating... hmm. I think it varies among people. I think theyre are cheaters out there because they can't commit to one person. I think there are cheaters out there that are hurt from the person they are cheating on. I think there are cheaters out there that need it for their ego, that they are "whatever" enough to get exactly what they want.

I think the majority of cheaters are those that are confused, and are in relationships they are not ready for. Its really not that the person they are cheating on is insufficient, but... the cheater is. They have a lot of growing up to do...

causshd1 · Answer

I think it's both. A bad decision is a mistake. And I feel like people know what they have to loose or gain before they make up their mind as to whether they want to go through with the act or not. My ex- who was supposed to be my fiance too, cheated on me TWICE. He thought this through TWICE. I feel like if someone cheats, then they're telling their partner that they don't care about the relationship at stake, don't have any respect for their partner, and aren't ready for a committed relationship. Cheating's not cool. The affect it can have on someone, and the damage it can do can take YEARS to get over and sometimes, people don't get over it ever. It's been almost a year and a half since my ex and I parted and even though I'm STILL in love with him, my heart still aches every time I think about  him, because of what he did to me.

Mesonfielde · Answer

I absolutely agree with your view on this matter, and there's nothing I can really add to it.. Therefore, I await the opposing side as I am interested in what they have to say.

The only exception to this rule is being under the influence of a massive amount of drugs. For example, if someone drinks so much alcohol that they won't even remember the next day what they have done. However, when people are completely sober and have nothing to mess with their minds, then the only mistake is that they were willing to give in to their own stupidity. And that is their own decision, therefore they have to take full responsibility for their actions.

hmariep · Answer

Cheating is a decision. Selfish people do it with no regards to anyone else.

My mum cheated on my dad because she wasn't happy with him. The first guy I slept with was using me to cheat on his girlfriend. I told his girlfriend and sadly, she forgave him even though he had been doing it for 6 months! Her excuse was that she loved him and forgave his mistake! Unbelievable.

Some people just don't understand that cheating is done when that person has already emotionally moved on from the relationship - no respect and obviously no love. Its only guilt that makes them react the way they do when they are found out. Cheaters will never be honest about what they did because they intend to always hide it.

If you ever get cheated on, have the self esteem to leave and never look back.

Joe814 · Answer

I believe the only "mistake" is the belief that many clear choices had not created opportunity to commit to more choices and uselessly call the bundle of (-not bad decisions, but poor decisions-) decisions and self-encouragement a mistake which fortifies someone behind a barricade of irresponsibility.  You don't accidentally strip down or pull this out or open that, or place something in something else.  Not happening.  If someone had sex before then they know the steps it takes to do it, when an event brings pleasure and gratification how does someone accidentally participate?

SingleSammy · Answer

It is TOTALLY a decision. Whether it was premeditated or not- this is the mistake. I think that a lot of people (both girls and guys) like to use the "it was a mistake" excuse to feel better about themselves.

I have experienced both sides. I have been cheated on and I too have cheated. I am not saying that it is okay or that I condone the act. But I knew what I was doing when I was cheating and I knew that it was a "mistake" before, during, AND after- but I kept going. The thing about free will is that we have a choice.

Cheating, is it a "mistake", or a "decision"?

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