My husband cheated on me with a stripper while he was on a business trip.

He says he got talked into to and doesn't know why he didn't and wishes it had never happened and that he loves me and our children and wants to be with me. I just don't understand how this could happen. How do just let something like that happen and not know why. He has broken my heart, but for some reason I still love him.


Most Helpful Girl

  • Hon, I am so sorry for your pain. It is hell for sure. It is something you will have to live with forever. Your husband will never know what he has done to you or your marriage. Trust is everything, and he has destroyed it for now. But make no mistake, nobody, hear me, nobody talked your husband into having sex with the stripper. He did it, he needs to own his adultery, plain & simple. If he doesn't, your marriage won't survive.

    By blaming others for his behavior he isn't taking responsibility for his actions. If he doesn't man-up and tell you the truth, how can you believe him at all? An opportunity presented itself, he wanted it, he took it. Why did he want it? Did he want more sex? Need different kinds of sex? Ask him. What was missing. These are good questions for therapy. But do not let him off the hook. He knows the answer the question...why he did this. And be assured, no one talked him into it.

    And of course you still love him. You didn't do anything to stop loving him. You can forgive him, but lady, never forget. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Has he been on trips before? Has he cheated before? Did he tell you now because someone was going to tell you what he did on this trip? Ask.

    And get yourself tested. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS. GET YOURSELF TESTED. If he was drunk, he may not have been wearing a condom. KEEP YOURSELF HEALTHY.

    I feel for you. I may not have been in your exact situation, but I do know the pain. You need to be cautious here. This will take a long time to rebuild the trust. If he's just going to therapy because you asked, you'll quickly know. I suspect there are a lot of communication issues with him. Be careful & don't let him blame you. You are not at fault here. Make sure your therapist specializes in this.

    Good luck sister.

    • this really helped me out alot. I told him when he told me that no one can talk into doing anything you don't already want to do your self. he still says he doesn't know why this happened. he says he has never done anything like this ever and that he will never do it again. I want to believe him I just don't know what to do.

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    • You are welcome. I ran out of room. I wanted to tell you, no matter what you do, you can get through this. Be strong. The hurt never goes away, sorry to say. You can never understand it, how someone you love can hurt hurt you like this. It is gut wrenching, I don't have to tell you. But you can get through it, one way or another, together or alone. Be strong. Be in charge of yourself & the situation. Think, do not let him control it. You are a strong woman. I know you are.Talk 2 me anytime.

    • Thank you so much!

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 2

  • 1) I think your husband wrote the only other Guy response, cause the post sounds like someone trying to justify what he did.

    2) I have traveled quite a bit in my day and spent many of nights with incredibly beautiful women at the hotel bar. Not once was anyone able to "talk" me into sleeping with any of them.

    Everything else I would say here has already been said by "DebiPie". I 100% agree with her.

  • I really regret that the sex education is so poor in this country. Odds are that you, your husband and the stripper don't understand why this happens.

    Females produce a pheromone in their outer labia which is intended to signal when a female is ready to conceive. If a male spends time in a small, enclosed space with a woman who is ovulating, the side effects of this substance will shut the cognitive functions of the human mind including the ability to: do math, plan, exercise social restraint, recognise whether they are with their spouse, etc. In fact, only two functions of the conscious brain remain operative, emotions and memory. Under these circumstances, your emotions are not your friend. So, unless the man remembers this happening before and he understood what happened before, he is lost.

    Be grateful your husband wasn't with a 9-year-old girl who wanted something from him. Girls between the ages of nine and menarche can learn to produce this substance on demand to get what they want; all without understanding what they are doing.


What Girls Said 6

  • If you want to know the reason for his cheating I have to agree with what Cassie16 said.

    When it comes to cheating I’m pretty hard. I would leave a cheater, because yeah, I believe once a cheater, always a cheater.

    But you are married and have children, you guys have a life together and I can imagine ‘breaking up’ isn’t that easy. Although I have to say I would never stay together just for the children because that doesn’t work and everybody gets hurt.

    For me the problem wouldn’t be the forgiving but to forget… I would always doubt him. What happens when he gets “talked into it” the next time? (btw I think the “I was talked into it” excuse is pretty stupid).

    Anyway- I think it’s a good thing you’re going to counseling. Whatever you do, whatever you decide take as much time as you want and need. Trust what your guts tell you… if you can’t forgive or forget it don’t stay in a relationship in which you doubt your partner or feel so much hurt that you’re unhappy. This isn’t good for you or your children.

    Good Luck to you!

  • My heartbroke when I read this post! Dear Anonymous, I kind of know how you are feeling because I've been cheated on by the father of my kid, thankfully I was not married to him. 1st, if he confessed without you mentioning anything about unfaithfulness then that's a pinch of some good morals and respect for you and his children. If he apologized and really seem regretful then he would have to prove it with good actions. But, this could have been prevented! He was away on business then what the hell was he doing at a stripclub? Or does he work at a stripclub? I hope not. And men CAN choose NOT to cheat! How is it diffcult to say NO and WALK away? I understand that you love him of course you love him he is the father of your children but, just because he is all that doesn't mean you should forgive&forget right away and be the same to him. I still love my kid's father when he did all those horrific things to me. It wounded me so bad and it still hurts to be honest, I would of never thought that he'd do what he did to me after what we went through. In my beliefs cheating is thee worst thing a person can do when their in a relationship/married. I really don't know what to say but, just relate and tell you what I think. At the end of the day you are going to do whatever feels right for you.

    • yes I agree. He has apologized over and over and is very upset with himself for doing this. how can he prove it? it was the last day of his trip and he was just walking around in SF and saw this strip club and he was waiting to go to the airport so he thought he would just go in and check it out. and he said that one of the strippers came of the stage and asked if he wanted to have a private dance and for some reason he said yes. he said he doesn't know why. then things progressed from ther

    • For me cheating is unforgiveable but, we all make mistakes and do things we regret, right? He would have to prove himself with standards, obligations and routines that you set and make you think/feel that he is "proving" to you and your children that he really is apologetic/regretful something that you see as polishing what he tainted like your trust and faithless. he has to be patient and cooperate. Sometimes we lose "ourselfs" when we become wifes/mothers so take a lot time just for you!

  • Maybe he got drunk, was with some friends, did something stupid. Woke up, found out he was hopeless in love with his sweet wife back at home and run there as fast as he could

    That's the positive solution.


    He was bored, went to the club, saw a pretty women, got carried away. Woke up, thought of the way you would react but couldn't lie about it either. So he says the obvious (and most common) thing he could: that it wasn't his fault, that he didn't know what he was doing, that he would turn back time if he could, blablabla.

    I don't know your husband. I don't know you. I don't know your relation.

    But I do know that it's usually the last one.

    So if you (want to) forgive him, never forget what he has done. And if you have reason to doubt his faith again... Lets see what happens then.

    You said you wanted to hear why: well, these are the two options I can give you. I'm sorry if I'm hard, but I think this is just the way it is.

    Good luck!

  • im really sorrry. But since you guys are married and in love its better to go to consoling because it was ONLY sex and emotions werent involved.

    If you are willing to forgive him, and he understands how much he hurt you, the marriage has a possibility to be saved.

    good luck :)

    • I think I can forgive him, but I just don't know if I will ever be able to forget what he did. I never ever expected this from him. not in a millions years.

      it's like he just said yes to what ever she was offering him and he went along with it, but says he dosn't know why. we are going to go to couneling.

    • atleast he told you about it. Just let him know how much he hurt you. I saw an episode of dr phill and it was about this and he suggests counseling and forgiveness

    • yes that is true. thanks

  • as someone who has been a stripper, you have to know that it is an extremely sexual environment, but you can't be convinced that he 'got pushed into it' you need him to admit it was just as much him, and you also need to know if you care about him enough to forgive him, the fact that it was with a dancer shows that it probably wasn't a meaningful relationship, it would have been a meaningless enjoyable one night stand, which changes things but still hurts. Just so you know, I never slept with a customer in my life.

    • thanks, I've been wanting a dancers point of view on this. We are going to marriage counceling now and I have for the most part moved on from this. although it still pops in my head from time to time. I understand that it is a sexual environment and things are very tempting there. I just don't understand how he could let it get that far if he loves me.

  • I am sorry for this. Are you asking us if you should leave or not? or Are you asking why he did that?

    • why did he do it?

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    • We can resist temptation and women like to experience different men.

    • That's crazy talk. Men do not lack devotion or committment anymore than women do. Committment is a choice and men & women make that choice everyday. There are people daily who are faced with these temptations & walk away because they have values. This man knew what he was doing & didn't care at the time. Yes, loves his wife. No, didn't care at the time. If he did, he would have walked away. The striper didn't make him do anything he didn't want to do. He'll prob. do it again given the chance.

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