Mom asked me if I’d live with her if my parents got divorced. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

So I’m 18, broke/working a minimum wage job, and in college. I never had the perfect life I like to pretend I have. But, my mom asked me if her and my father were to get divorced, if I’d live with her. We live in NY and I love it here and all my friends. She’d wanna move to NC and my dad would stay in NY, because if his job. My mom and I bicker a lot because I believe she is very controlling, and I crave freedom. My dad is a hardworking man but, does drink a lot. My mom has more money than my father, and I love them both but, love my dad more. I feel like I’d be lonely if I lived with my dad but, I’d have my childhood home and all my friends. But, my mom takes the smallest things to heart and got mad at me when I responded with that I honestly don’t know, I told her I’m not married and don’t have a boyfriend so how would I know what to do. I honestly hate her for asking this question, I get that it’s her relationship but how fucked up do you have to be to ask your daughter what she’d do and get mad when she didn’t say what you wanted her to say. It’s not like my parents argue, but they rarely sleep in the same bed anymore. She acts as if I don’t see a therapist and I’m not on meds for GAD and don’t have my own problems. When she asks and tells me stuff about their marriage it really upsets me but then she gets mad at me for walking away and not wanting to listen. If my grandparents didn’t live in NC, I would gladly move in with them instead but they don’t and I don’t wanna upturn my whole life and lose all my friends and life in NY. She’s giving me so much anxiety with this fucking shit and I’m an only child, it’s not like I have anyone to talk to and it’s not like I wanna tell my friends about this either. So here I am asking strangers on the internet what they’d say/do in my current situation.

[btbc92]

Save up money and PLEASE find a way to get your own place. Both are toxic and need help. You need to be independent first and grow as an adult. If you want to get married you must first understand why. And you don't want to use a man as a scapegoat for your problems because your home life is not stable. You date because you want a future with somebody. This is your parent's problem. And I've been there. Ask God for help. You need to tell her mother that she should have thought about it before getting married and needs to seek therapy. Why does she want to divorce? She needs to learn to love her father, and her father needs to step it up and get help together with your mom. They both are the problem and have screwed up lives.

My suggestion is to talk to the college your in and see what resources they can help you with. They can help you find a place to live and other forms of income to make college a little easier. It's not that it's messed up. Been there before. But that she needs to know you on her corner for the sake of it. THAT is what is the problem. Taking sides. You love them both. But she needs to learn to love herself, which sadly something that 95% of people don't do before they decided to date and or get married. Another reason why I never bothered getting involved with a man today. I don't see the point. Not saying your dad is the problem, I'm straight, that's why I'm saying that. But relationships today are extremely fickle. And you need to sit down with your mother and ask her to rethink wanting a divorce for no logical reason. While also speaking to your dad about his drinking problem. If he is so stressed with work and his marriage remember that they supposedly love each other and should be sensitive to each other and do what they have to do to make the marriage work. Not divorce just because of them both unhappy. What example does it set? If she wants to divorce so badly, leave you out of it because in the end they BOTH have issues. And you don't want any part of it. Especially when neither of them is not helping you, both neither each other. They need to grow up. This is marriage. And marriage is how they chose to make it.

[Ozanne]

Whatever you choose, look at it as a very temporary situation. I'm gathering that you'll be wanting to move out on your own soon, so just do what's best for you until that time comes. If you explain to your mom that moving out of state is not agreeable for you, for the reasons you mentioned, she should not take it so personally. Chances are, if you go live with her, you'll be spending a lot more money moving back to New York anyway in a year or so. Will she be willing to pay for that? If the answer is no, then think about your short-term financial goals that will get in the way of wherever you choose to end up.

[melnc]

The best solution is to live with your dad. He may not have as much money as your mother, but what you're going to get in return is going to college and have your friends around. Since he's a hard-working man, try to get a job so you can help yourself cover part of your personal expenses, and I'm sure he'll appreciate it. And as for your father's drinking addiction, you can help him... how? you know him better than we do, so that's on you.

For your mother, you can visit her from time to time, and if you could find a way to fix things between her and your father without going to divorce, that would be amazing. I mean, you can suggest they take a (space) and think about (you) it because divorce won't hurt anyone but you. I'm sure they love you, but you should do a small effort to win them both.
And I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[Asker]

Thank you, I was considering getting another job but, with college as well I’d be drained. I’ve been trying to talk to my father about his drinking but, he says it’s how he unwinds after work and has 3-4 everyday. He’s a great guy though and doesn’t act like a drunk, he’s never put his hands on either me or my mother, or has yelled at anyone when drinking. But, it’s a concern. For my mother, she takes everything to heart and It results in her and I arguing cause I refuse to let her control me anymore, and in a way manipulate me. But, it’s not always like that. We got into a huge fight over the summer and I left my house for 4 days and didn’t talk to her and ever since then she’s been more lenient. I already pay my own phone bill, for my own clothes, my own food, and the bed I sleep on and the paint on my walls, so I’m hoping to get a better job soon so I can help my father pay utilities, but everything sucks right now. But, you're right cause my dad pays for what my scholarship doesn’t and I really don’t wanna leave everything behind. I’m too embarrassed and prideful to tell/ask my friends too and everyone has their own problems. Being in the real world just fucking sucks. But thank you for the advice, you’re right I’m better off living with my father at the end of the day.

[melnc]

Yes, living with your father is the answer, but you've got to try to convince your mother to turn away from the idea of divorce and live with you as one family. Since she's a good manipulator, you have to do the same, if you know what I mean 😉

I understand, your mom made mistakes, and she's probably still making them today. Try to remember that you've made plenty of mistakes along the way, too. The point is, be forgiving when you can.

You may not be able to change what you’re going through right now, but this doesn't mean you can’t live a full and meaningful life.

[OlderAndWiser]

1. What your mom has done is essentially asked you to take sides in her conflict with your father. That is selfish of her and not something that a parent should ever do to a child.

2. You should ask your mom, "If I decide to stay here and live with Dad, will I be welcome in your home to visit periodically." Her response will tell you much about her motivations.

3. You should also ask your Dad if you will be welcome to live with him, or whether you will be welcomed into his home to visit if you decided to live with your Mom.

4. Above all else, resist getting in the middle of their conflict and address them very directly on that subject if you feel either of them is trying to do that to you.

Good luck!

[GingerGuy]

It sounds like not only is your mom unhappy, but has nobody to talk to either, so she turns to you. Which isn't fair. You might have to tell her that it upsets you and could she please not talk to you about it. She should respect that if she cares at all about you and not being 100% selfish. And wanting to know if you'll be with her, that's fear. She's scared to leave and be all alone. It's understandable the feelings, but she shouldn't be putting that on you either. As far as what you should do... that's totally your decision and take time to decide. But consider this, you're an adult now, do you need to live with either one? Can you get a place of your own yet? Maybe there are other options? And it sounds like that would be best for you if you can make it happen. Like you said, you "crave freedom".

[Anonymous]

That is a lot to put on you for such a young age. I’m sorry you have to go through this. Have you thought about living w your dad one year then your mom the next? Just an option. I’d write down the pros and cons of both places, weigh them out as to which would benefit you more. You’re a young adult, you need to start thinking about your life and what you would like out of life. You can’t make everyone happy, so you need to do what makes you happy. If you choose your dad will your mom be upset? Probably but hopefully over time she will get over it. If she doesn’t than she’s just being childish. If you choose your dad I’d tell your mom it has nothing to do w who you like more even if that isn’t true, but that it’s to your benefit to stay w him or w her to help you get to where you want to be one day. Financially does she use you in that way? Or is there a benefit she’s getting as a result of you living w her?

[Anonymous]

Seems like a no brainer to stay with your dad but you need to bare in mind that the only things that i know about you and your situation are what you have told me and you have painted a some what one sided picture.

Reading what you wrote made me think that you had already made up your mind but you were looking for permission to do it or something similar to that, perhaps its just that you find it difficult to say no to your mother?

I really can't see how you would benefit from either losing or making it considerably difficult to continue having your friends your job and your studies.

This is your parents shit, its nothing to do with you.

[Bananaman177]

Your mom will get crazier and harder to be around after the divorce. Your dad will probably return back to normal, like King Theoden when Wormtongue's spell is lifted.

Every divorced couple I've ever personally known has followed this pattern. The man gets his lifeforce back while the woman descends further into madness.

[MurderMitten]

I seen all you said. If your dad won't get physical with you id stay with your dad. You said it yourself you love it there and have friends there and you won't need to even pack your things. From there work it out one day at a time. My father drinks to I know what that can be like. Best of luck you can get past this its not the end of the world even if it feels like it

[keenmind2007]

Well, choosing between the two will pose problems for you no matter who you pick. Your mom has control issues and your dad drinks a lot and is hardly home. You clearly don't want to uproot your life and you seem to have some problems regarding your mom. You love your dad more. Your mom has more money. Whichever one of those two you need more, a good standing relationship or the cash, disregarding the challenges that come with it, that's the person you should choose.

[djfhsjk]

I don't think anyone will know your situation better than you. I think you'll have to decide for yourself but you seem well put together so I trust your decision.
Try not to stress too much about it, working and school is hard enough. Hopefully you get to move out on your own after school. Good luck

[Apope16]

Turn it around on her. Tell her that if you are struggling financially if it is okay until you get back on your feet. However... be honest with her and say you cannot stay long.

If you dont want to live with her then say no. SHe must find hobbies and strength on her own terms. If you are living with her she cannot truly discover the strength she has and the love she has to offer a new person.

[codyccc]

Obviously tell both of them to fuck right of get a job as a stripper well still going to college it will easily cover all your expenses and you should be able to save $130 000/ year so in 4 year you walk out of college with no debt and $520000 in the bank or if medical school is more your style nearly a million buck

[djfhsjk]

Not how it works lmao

[codyccc]

Lol average stripper pulls in $200k a year so it kinda does

[codyccc]

After tax

[djfhsjk]

Wow, I looked it up and strippers can make a lot of money but it also varies wildly. On Glassdoor, avg base pay was 184k but there was only 1 salary reported.

[djfhsjk]

I still don't think stripping should be a default choice for everyone.

[codyccc]

Obviously but if you need a way out its better then dealing or being a hooker

[MissDawn7961]

try living with your dad for awhile and if living with a man who drinks does not work then either move back N with your mom or get your own place ! thanks

[Iron_Man]

That's probably a long shot your dad getting divorced isn't it?

[Pete671]

Live with your Dad, and keep close to your support network,

[Jmmmfi4]

This is a tough call. Follow your heart.