Guys I need your help?

[Anonymous]

Hi guys,
So me and my partner/ex got into a big argument and basically during our argument, we left each other. He would text me to see if I was ok with my health when we were silent to each other. I hurt my toe last week, so he was checking up on me. He sent me a light up frame picture that I gave him. I told him to turn it on when he missed me. This was Sunday or Monday. We left each other Thursday (last week)
But his really angry and so am I. Our communication is not good so it’s something we should fix if we were to continue. After blocking and unblocking, we haven’t spoken since Tuesday 5am and it’s Friday. I’m sure this relationship is over. Two days ago he challenged me to play 8 ball of pool. I got the notification on my phone. Everyone says that his holding resentment but he still cares. His just trying to show me his got strength.
He basically is always the one to fix an argument. And he use to say sometimes that if he never texts me, I would never.
we are both very hurt. I ended up crying on the phone on Monday to him and showed no sympathy. He called me the next day 5am to tell me his doing ‘just fine’ and then I blocked him and unblocked him the same night. We argued over stupid stuff but small things can lead to bigger things when communication is crap!

At this point, I miss him, I care for him but I feel so disrespected but I miss him.. do you think I should be the first to break the silence or am I just feeling the effects of a break up and just need time to heal and accept it for what it is.. I really need advice guys!

[Daniela1982]

You sound like a news story of how 2 countries that have been fighting and don't trust each other and are prepared to go to war, and each is waiting for the other to make the first move. If neither of them offer the first apology/ peace offering then war is probably inevitable. The ball is in your court. What are you going to do?

[Anonymous]

He is right then, isn't he?

You aren't interested in fixing anything.

I think you need to decide when you are going to grow up.

Being in a relationship means being vulnerable and you aren't playing fair, you are both equally responsible for the arguments that you have but you dont want to have to do anything to build bridges, winning and holding power over someone you claim to care about is more important to you.

[Asker]

Thank you for your response. But I should clear up something here. First of all, I admit that I was in the wrong and I have also admitted that to him. Whilst he was full of rage and acting like he was Mr. Perfect in our relationship and didn’t do anything wrong, I held up my white flag and came to him to find a resolution. He said he wanted to stay and fix it but would not stop blaming me and wouldn’t take any fault. As I said his full of rage. This was on Monday. So even though I was hurting, I was angry at him, I swallowed every bit of pride in me and came to him to initiate peace and forgiveness. Why? Because I Love the guy. Then we argued more and more and although his trying to show strength people see it the fact that he is still calling, well was because he ‘cares’.. even when I don’t see it.
I’ve seen your advice before in other questions and they are most appreciated, but this is response is more applicable to him then me right now.
I don’t hold pride, I hold hurt and find that sometimes to protect myself I walk away without fighting.. it a defence mechanism but this time round, I came to him to sort it out. His version of sorting it out was trying to show me his macho man.

[Opinion Owner]

I think you should take a look at whether or not your 'defence mechanism' is really what you think it is because shutting somebody out, ignoring them is emotionally abusive - the silent treatment.

Why is he so angry? Is he a roid raging thug who knocks people out in the street? Or is he frustrated because he never gets to say his piece because you keep walking away?

You said you tried building bridges on Monday and were crying down the phone to him but he wasn't sympathetic. It sounds to me as though one possiblity is that the reason he wasn't sympathic is because he felt that you were using tears to emotionally manipulate him. Are you only showing him tears when you want to trigger a macho protective response as a way of by passing the anger and frustation he feels from things not actually being addressed and resolved?

Who is the cause of this communication problem? Is it really his fault because he is unable to access and communicate his feelings or do you make it impossible by shutting down and walking away?

I am not accusing you of anything by the way, I can't know what the situation is, what i am doing is offering you possible dynamics which might be too close to you for you to be able to see them so that you can consider them with a view to trying to understand what your triggers and how your respond etc.

You should probably take a look at this as well by the way:

Quote: I admit that I was in the wrong and I have also admitted that to him. Whilst he was full of rage and acting like he was Mr. Perfect in our relationship and didn’t do anything wrong

Now Im not suggesting that he is Mr. Perfect and that he has never done anything wrong but if you are openly admitting that whatever this particular problem is was actually your fault why does he have to take any responsibility for that? If it is your fault, that is your responsibility, isn't it?

[Asker]

Are you seeing your approach? I feel like your coming down at me and saying it’s all my fault… regardless,
No I don’t use tears to escape a situation. The way I handled the dispute was my error but in saying so, his actions were also in the wrong.
Anyway, thanks for your response

[Opinion Owner]

He is not here, I am not talking to him, he hasn't asked for my help.

Whether or not you continue the relationship is kind of irrelevant, if you are not a perfect person then whatever mistakes you are making you are just going to do that again with the next guy.

[Opinion Owner]

You feel like i am coming down on you and telling you that its all your fault even though I have explictly stated that:

I am not accusing you of anything by the way, I can't know what the situation is, what i am doing is offering you possible dynamics which might be too close to you for you to be able to see them so that you can consider them with a view to trying to understand what your triggers and how your respond etc.

[Opinion Owner]

And now you have shut down and run away.

So I guess Im not far from the mark huh?

[Asker]

Because it’s pointless going back and forth. I know my errors and you have pointed out a few correct errors. However, I wasn’t asking you to help me point out all my wrong doings and make assumptions. I do understand you’re trying to make me see something from your point of view.
I’m just trying to understand what I should do right now in this given situation especially because I’m at war with my head and my heart.

[Askadami]

Hi. How can I help you 😊