2 years ago, I met a girl in my work, and we became friends. Later, she showed that she is interested in me but she didn’t tell anything about it but it was obvious. We kept chatting until she told me that she likes me. I was clear that we’re just friends and I’m not ready for a relationship. I was so kind to her, and I tried my best not to hurt her. She started crying and I really didn’t want to hurt her, but I was clear that I don’t want this to happen. Later that she told me that her family is forcing her to get married to a guy she doesn’t like. She was in a big mess and her miserable life affected me because she was in a way or another trying to drew my feelings that I’m the only one who could save her. She’s a very good girl but I really didn’t want a relationship. Soon after that, she told me again to try to be together, and she was so down that I got teary eyed and I said yes. I know I was mistaken, but I didn’t know what happened to me. She changed a lot, her life got better, and she almost stopped annoying me like she used to do before. I told myself why not give this relationship a try, maybe I will like her back. I started to have some feelings from time to time, but those feeling faded away quickly. I tried to breakup with her once, but she got in tears and I withdrew. I made a huge mistake by pretending that I have feelings for her in order to avoid seeing her crying and to avoid her bad heart-breaking reactions. But now I cry every night because I don’t know what to do. I told her yesterday that I don’t like her attitude when I tell her what annoys me. But she promised to be a great person and to support me with anything I want as long as we’re together. I truly know that it’s all my fault but I really don’t know what to do. How to tell her that I don’t want this relationship without hurting her! How can I when there are no convenient reasons for her. How can I do it when I just told her that I love her. Please help me my head is gonna explode.
I can’t breakup!! I just can’t! please help! I feel my heart is gonna stop?
Son, you're both not 12 years old, but you both have the emotional maturity of 12 year olds.
You both need to realise you're fucking adults and have lives to live. If you're not able to maintain yourself and your relationship then it needs to end. You're not fucking husband and wife with commitments and assets to maintain in the relationship! .
But from your spiel it seems she knows you're a weak hearted fool and her ATM/butler. Thus taking full advantage of that. Thus I will only say you're never going to break from her as you are. Thus speak to her friends and family about what she really thinks of you and/or who she's seeing and cheating on you with. People like that after play such games. They move from relationship to relationship like a disease.
@Subarugirl I read that he was honest and clear with her and kept telling her that he didn't want a relationship and just wanted to be friends but she kept pushing and pushing so he tried to have feelings for her. more of a "fake it till you make it" approach than "I'm going to lie and manipulate this woman". He doesn't seem to have anything to gain or want anything from her other than friendship and wanting her to be happy.
I had a similar situation, although I was a lot younger, around 19. There was a girl in my acting class that I became friends with and she was crushing on me so hard. I didn't really want to be her boyfriend but we hung out all the time, pretty much every day and she kept the pressure up and more or less acted like she was already my girlfriend and eventually I caved and started sleeping with her which sealed the deal. But although I loved her as a friend, and found her cute and sexy and fun, I never had truly romantic feelings for her and it ended badly.
I totally know I was mistaken, and it’s totally my responsibility to handle the consequences. But I swear I was clear af that I didn’t want this relationship. I was so direct, clear and strict in the two occasions when she asked me to be together.
Our immaturity is because we live in Middle East, a very conservative place where it’s so hard for both to meet or talk without a legal contract “engagement for example”, and as a result, unhealthy way to have a healthy relationship
I feel you re: Middle East and conservative cultures in general. When I was in Egypt I would hang out in the souk (market) and chat with men, virtually no women around and no interaction between men and women. It was remarkable to me the questions these 30-40 year old men had about women, dating, etc. It was as if I were talking to 14 year old boys.
That is toxic as hell, from what you're saying she's basically manipulated you into a relationship with her. Most of the time if you break up with someone, it'll make them sad, and that's okay. How well or not they take the breakup is not your responsibility. Actually, I think you really need to learn the lesson that, in general, people's happiness is not your responsibility. The only person's hapiness you're responsible for is your own, so treat that as your highest priority, otherwise people can and will take advantage of you, as is clearly the case here.
I'd say break up with her once and for all as soon as you can, get out of there and cut all contact with her. Maybe even break up over phone or text if you feel like you can't do it in person, maybe talk to friends and/or family about it and ask for help. If she crosses the boundary of trying to get in contact with you against your will, especially in person, get the police involved and get a restraining order on her.
It doesn't mean you don't love someone if you break up with them. You can love them from a distance. If she's not okay with the fact that you feel you shouldn't be together, then you can't do anything about it. But if a relationship is causing you more pain than joy of having one, you have to leave. And it's not like she's trying to make it better. And she's spoiled to try to manipulate you into staying when you felt you were just friends from the start. The way she's trying to pressure you now gives you a glimpse of what she'll do if you get married. And do you really want that? You have to do what's best for you because it's obvious she doesn't care about you and your best interests.
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0 Reply
Anonymous
(Under 18)
+1 y
Just say that you don't like her and leave her because it will create more problems in future. Don't see her tears and all. Trust me one outburst will fix everything. She also needs to understand that you aren't for her. I know how it feels as it happened with me also but it is all ok after I finished it. It will take some time but then later on everything will be normal. Breaking this relationship is far better than faking it.
Try the honesty again.. Tell her you feel horrible for pretending to have feelings for her that you don't have. And that you don't want to hurt her further, but you can't continue to pretend to have feelings that just aren't there. Breaking up isn't easy and someone's always gonna get hurt. But continuing to lie will hurt way more...
I've met this type of woman so many times - super clingy, often bring up scenarios that require your sympathy and they lock you into a position where you have to care for them. I've learnt to rid myself of this type as soon as possible. Man to man, you've been manipulated, which doesn't mean she's evil, it means you're doing something you really don't want to do that only benefits the asker. For your own sake, you have to realise that you aren't doing what you want to do for yourself. Realise you have autonomy, and that any relationship based on a falsehood is headed for a distaster so great that Trump's presidency will look trivial
Short answer is that you can't break up with her with out hurting her, but the longer that you wait and the more that you lie the worse it's going to hurt. If you really didn't want to hurt her you would have been honest.. so this isn't about not wanting to hurt her, this is about you not wanting to be in an uncomfortable situation. You need to stop stringing this poor girl along.
So dig deep, find some integrity, and do the right thing.
How can you be so immature in 30s. Wtf. And how can't you be ready for marriage in your mid 30s? How long do want to wait? Your sperm quality is decreasing and women prefere to marry men who are max 5-6 years older
It is weird since i am and my dad is in his late 40s. I was born when he was in his late 20s and this was a huge thikg back then. My mum had many missccariages before me. So it is weird when men my age want women who could be their daughter
There is a reason why divorce rate is higher for couples the bigger the age gap is. So men should grow tf up and marry instead of whoring around till in their late 30s
Yey having kids too early is bad so having kids too late is a problem. Looking after kids at an old age is extrem difficult. Kids need so much time and energy that can be given by only younger people under 30s. My parents are in theur 40s and they already have so many health issues due to age. I know people who have still small at 40s and they regret it that they dont have it earlier
You dont need to be fucking 30+ to be mature, more skilled etc. Women just dont want lazy men. I also can't stand when you thing grown ass up men in their mid 20s are stil immature. The best age to marry for men is at 23-27 in my opinion
Personally i think 26-30 for women is a much better age for having children. Young people are pretty clueless for serious life decisions. Of course over 30 it gets more serious for women and around 45 for men when it drops off fast.
Older men don't force younger women to marry them so the attraction is there, less or more doesn't matter.
Women initiate around 80% of the divorces, and most rate their relationships 7/10. Showing problem with their own wishes/thinking.
Also most men are single or have a very slow dating life close to 30. Most women go after the same 20% of guys, some of them are good most just players. Then later want to settle for the guys who worked on themselves. a lot of those go for the young women they missed out on when they were younger, and the cycle starts again.
Women are to blame for this. Because a woman chooses who she has sex with, women have that control. Men control who they also date not just have sex with and later marry.
It is western men's fault for making their girlfriend 1000 years to marry till she ain't young anymore. It should be a crime to waste women's youth since women's age matters as you said. As i said divorce rate is higher the bigger the age gap. I blame older men for going after naive, immature, blood young women whose brain development ain't finished. I know women who married much older guy but also regret after their brain development finished and they figured out that they have nothing in common with their older husbands. Which is no surprise to me. You are right. Young people are clueless or naive. The divorce is high among boomers or 'old' millenials since divorce ain't taboo anymore. These people were pressured to marry and divorce as soon as possible when divorce ain't taboo anymore. These people grow up in a very conservative traditional time when people were very pressured to marry as i said. I am middleeastern and if divorce was not taboo, believe me that the whole middleeastern world will have divorced couples. Lol. I know so many middleeastern couples ejo hate eachother but stay together due to societal pressure. So far i know that men cheat more in their 40-50s+ than women. At that age majority of men are married and this is could be a reason why women file divorce
Who are thess 20% of guys? Why would a sane woman will decrease her dating pool by only chasing 20% of men? I am also a little jealous. I would not want a man who is wanted/loved by all women
I personally think people from my generation marry wiser since there is no pressure to marry etc. Many couples also refuse to marry but stay together. You are also right at many points. I am sorry for overreacting lol.
Most married straight couples have around 2 year age difference, according to stats. Not all marry to 10+ years difference, but a lot do. So most of the divorces do come from similar age couples. Also for rushing into things when both are young. And later developing new wishes but often there are kids involved now.
So tends to be equally messy in either case, young to young or older to younger. Not saying one is better, but it's not worse either.
Cheating is actually pretty equal on both sides, womens numbers are usually even a bit higher, because it's so much easier to get sex for them. For a lot of cheater guys might struggle to actually find somebody to cheat with. Also "it's not your baby" is a pretty common thing, but no need to open that door.
The 20% are the guys you women tend to pick more, the players usually. Different dating apps have even gathered the info on how most women pick a small percent of guys. And understandably you don't want to share your guy with anybody, but you do feel. great if other women like your guy too, and he picked you. As would guys with a woman, only natural.
No need to apologize for being passinate about a topic. It's understandable that we all have our own views on things. And stating it might sometimes come across as a an "attack" the opposing views.
However it's not, it's good to have a civil argument, best way to learn.
Honestly, you can't break up with her in a way that won't hurt at all. You can do it respectfully and cleanly so she will recover faster. I think the sooner you do it the better. Be honest, tell her you care for her but you can't be in a relationship with her. Don't delay because then your just dragging her along and that is much worse.
Your not a bad person for not wanting a relationship so try not to be hard on your self.
I think you should call her and politely say that u love her but not romantically and be honest and sound honest thats it
M sure she is a good person and just a little too sensitive who cannot handle such awkward situation or FOMOphilic but in the end of the day its better to have lasting happy relationship rather than an altogether adjusting one
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Anonymous
(18-24)
+1 y
maybe try doing things she wouldn't find attractive, and would start disliking you for, or get distant, and stop spending too much time with her, stop making her laugh, and slowly she might lose feelings, i think that could possibly be the best way, to not hurt her much..
just be like im not the right match for u, u deserve more and that ur gonna focus on urself and see her in person and do it. if she cries, u leave. she can't force u to stay and u need to stop being a coward and do what is right for u
