Did I give my ex closure? we haven’t spoke since 2019 should I officially move on?

[Anonymous]

My ex and I had an on and off relationship that was short-lived from 2017-to 2018, the breakup was always initiated by him and me having an anxious attachment style I would always text him a couple of months later except for the last time he broke up back in 2018 I never spoke to him again until almost a year later in 2019. This is someone that has depression and low self esteem, so when he came back he seemed nervous for me to take him back we were chatting and he was doing and saying all the right things, and was very persistent in facetiming and seeing me this was giving me so much anxiety because in the past he wasn't like this. So I ended up telling him I just recently started talking to someone and I don't think we should start a relationship. We said our goodbyes and good lucks and He blocked me instantly. I didn't talk to him ever since the fall of 2019. Earlier this year he had unblocked me on the platform he blocked me on and I was unblocked for about 1-2 months I can't remember but I had ignored it, he blocked me again and I just didn’t let it bother me. This week, I reached out to him by email asking how he is and I know we ended things really bad in the past and I tried to reach out to him before but did t get a response (I reached out in 2021) He responded by thanking me for reaching out and that it’s ok (not sure what it’s okay means but I told myself that he means there’s no need to reach out I don't know) and that he has no grudges and apologized if he has done me wrong. I replied and he never responded and it's been four days now. I have accepted in his response that he doesn't want to talk to me b/c perhaps what I said in the past, but I still love this person and I wanted us to talk again but respect his wishes if he doesn't want to communicate. Please, what do you advise me to do? any advise is much appreciated. Thanks

[HollyK21]

After this last time, I think the appropriate move would be coming to terms with the relationship being over, and close that door for good. You seem like a kind girl, and I’m positive that you have no ill intentions, maybe indecisive at best. But the pattern you are creating of entering and exiting his life (at least the last few times) just isn’t fair. Stepping into his shoes, if there was real love on his end when you told him you found someone else, I’m sure that was hurtful, but he’s moved on the best he can. Now you’ve popped back up, Seemingly for closure or whatever, and he said what he needed to say. It doesn’t need to be some drawn out exchange that leads into you two talking again, as you were hoping. It was just apologies, and leaving things on casual ground. Now you have to step away, and no more looking back. If things are not working with this new guy, then end it, be patient and wait for the right one. If they are working, then focus on him and give him the best version of yourself that you can. Leave your ex in the past now though, because you are only fueling a merry-go-round, dead end situation that you shouldn’t breath life into over and over again.

[Asker]

I really didn’t find anyone, in 2019 he wanted to get back and I got so scared because he left me in the past and I’ve been in a relationship before him where the person got married right after leaving me got divorced and came back to me I thought he wanted to do what that previous ex did. So I lied to him and told him I’m talking to someone but I was going through a tough time with school and my family and I never really dated after. I never really wanted to leave but I got cold feet it was kind of my fault. Thanks for your response. I wish I was more wiser

[HollyK21]

Oh man, I’m sorry to hear all that. Given what you’ve said, maybe right now is a good time to focus on yourself and healing from your past. What I believe happened is because you hadn’t fully healed from your first heartbreak, you carried that baggage into the next relationship, and in some ways made your previous ex pay for what the first one did. It’s so important to really close a door before opening another one, and I think that’s the lesson you can take from this. Right now it seems like your current ex has become somewhat of a safety net for you, but that doesn’t mean he is the right person. Especially if he struggled with mental health, he would not be in the best place to be a good boyfriend until he has that stuff under control. So after this recent parting of ways, take the closure you can from that and apply wisdom to your future. None of us are perfect and as humans we make mistakes. What matters is what you do next, and if knowledge influences your future actions and causes you to do better, then that’s what you ultimately want.

[Asker]

Thank you Holly ♥️

[OlderAndWiser]

"Officially move on?" Do you go to the courthouse and register as having moved on?

Seriously, you are making far too big of a deal out of this. You tried with him and it didn't work. In 2022, you are the same girl you were in 2017-2019, and he is the same guy that he was back then, too. Get back together and you will soon encounter the same problems. It didn't work, it hasn't worked, it won't work, and you can't make it work. You are staying engaged in this breakup game because you don't want to move forward. Why not?

[Asker]

I’m not sure I just got a gut intuition I should reach out and see how he’s doing and if he didn’t want to communicate again I would leave it be.

[OlderAndWiser]

And how many times previously have you said that?

[Asker]

This was the second time :/

[OlderAndWiser]

How many times will you do the same thing, expecting to get a diffrent reslt, before you decide it is time to move forward?

[Asker]

I’m not sure, I just fell in love with the wrong person and now I’m paying the price and it feels like a ton of bricks have hit me. We spoke and he deleted all his accounts. I wish I didn’t fall for his lies and I had respect for myself. Never dating again!

[OlderAndWiser]

You shouldn't punish yorself for having made a mistake. ALl of us make mistakes. Just make sure that you learn some lessons from the experience.

[Iron_Man]

I’m sorry to hear that

[Guy13]

Yes, for sure

[Guy13]

O mean it seems three years of no communication means done ✅?

[Asker]

I guess 😞

[boobliker]

yep!!!