Even though I have these feelings which I think are valid and justifiable anger I don’t want to carry this anymore. I think what is so hard about feeling like this is I hide it so well. I always have people telling me how sweet and kind I am. But I have a huge wall up and I only completely shut someone off once they hurt me. When someone hurts me my first response is to shut them out the way I wish I could have shut out all the people who I gave countless chances to. I tried to fix the algorithm on my TikTok because I noticed the videos I got were just videos about vengeance. I started searching up art and music to try to get more productive content on my feed. I pray a lot, and at one point I truly believed I had forgiven my ex. But after A while I just went right back to hating him. Im not the mean kind of bitter, or the negative speaking type. Im the secret kind of bitter. It feels lonely af. It’s like I act like im okay when im not. But I want to let it go. I know im going to have to start over with my goal of trying to forgive. Forgiveness is way harder than anything I have ever done because even when I think I forgive people the anger comes back at random times. I can be laying in bed or at work and I would find myself muttering about how much I hate people. I work in customer service as a waitress so it doesn’t help that I deal with rude people every day despite how nice I try to be. I only want help forgiving. I think if I could grasp it for what it truly means, and if I could feel forgiveness that could last without resorting to thinking about my worst memories. How do I forgive? I know that being a bitter woman is an insult I can’t stomach hearing towards myself. But I acknowledge it without anybody else even noticing it about me. People seem to think I’m a calm and evened out person but I’m not truly like that. So if I have any insults towards me I won’t bother to respond I’m just going to block you.
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Hate is the flame that only burns the one holding the candle.0
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If we don't forgive how can you expect forgiveness0
Being merciful and realizing God is gracious and kind towards you even when you don't deserve it.0
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Forgiveness is one of the toughest things that I struggle with.
Telling myself that I only hurt myself by holding a grudge just wasn't working for me.
About a year ago, deeply in need of forgiving myself for having done something which hurt only myself, in a bit of an epiphany, my perspective regarding resentment took a turn from focusing on my own pain and shame to those whom I've harbored grudges against for a long time. I chose to look past whether or not those I was angry with would ever take responsibility for their actions. I simply put myself in their place. I asked myself that if I were them and was aware of the pain that I had caused, would I myself want to be forgiven. I reasoned that any semi-reasonable, thinking, feeling human would want forgiveness. That thought made a huge difference in my feelings ever since. That did not change the fact that I still hold them responsible for their actions. There is no need to capitulate and let them be in the 'right'.
The saying, "There, but for the grace of God, go I" came to mind. I realized that this sentiment can be applied to more than having sympathy for the down and out. It can be applied to those who cause great pain without being aware of it, or even caring. I'm sure that I've caused pain to others without my knowing it. I beg their forgiveness.
Having had that epiphany, I still can't say that I am completely free of occasional resentment, but it has gotten much, much better.
I wish you the best.