Is divorce really that bad for children?

Question

sunflower00 · Accepted Answer

My parents split up when I was 11? I think and entering high school. It was already a time full of change and chaos and the change at home only made it all worse. The main thing was I longed to sit as a family and eat dinner together. I watched the show ‘Friday Night Dinner’ which is a British comedy, but honestly it just made me sad because I wish I had one house to call home/my childhood home and my whole family there. Christmas was hard because I would go to both houses (still do) on the day, because Christmas is such a big thing for my family and my mum is still single so I always had incredible guilt leaving her on her own on Christmas Day (all her family live really far away and her parents passed years ago). It’s the feeling of guilt and having to choose one over the other sometimes you know? And now I don’t really feel I have a childhood home. I’ve moved out now, but when my parents split up my mum had to rent as she didn’t have much money and then we got put in temporary accommodation and were moved around loads. My dad found another partner and has a toddler right now and a baby on the way, I don’t feel like I can be comfortable or 100% myself in that house anymore and it’s made me grow distant from my dad.

Overall I know it’s for the best because they were unhappy, and they tried their best to do it in the best way they could, but ultimately it had a huge impact on me in my teen years

Blackcupcake · Accepted Answer

not necessarily… growing up with divorced parents who have a healthy coparenting relationship is better than growing up in a house with married parents who are in a toxic relationship

Guy13 · Answer

Divorce can devastate a child but much of that lies on both the parents. If the parents make time for their child, rather than move on with their lives without regard for their seed, then the effects can be lessened.
A disregarding parent greatly increases the probability of suicidal thoughts, anxiety. angry outbursts, substance abuse, violent acts, suicide, and/or incarceration.

Divorce is not bad for children if there is sexual, physical, emotional, and/or substance abuse individually or collectively harming the child’s Person. Even in such cases, the judge decides the amount of time child and parent shares. Divorce does not mean removal of negative stimuli from child’s life.

OlderAndWiser · Answer

Don't you think growing up in one home with a mother and a father is a distinct advantage?

Bethany22 · Answer

No it's not that bad. I never went through it myself, but the thought of being able to have each parent all to oneself sounds like heaven!

Laura_Marx · Answer

i feel like this is an empirical question which isn't subject to opinion

i typed "divorce children outcomes" into Google Scholar and the first result was a meta-study called Parental divorce and the well-being of children: a meta-analysis, Keith & Amato 1991 (click). 1991 is actually too long ago to take it at face value since the conditions of divorce and upbringing could have changed in that time. but it's where i'd be inclined to start. according to the abstract,

"Children of divorce scored lower than children in intact families across a variety of outcomes [...] For some outcomes, methodologically sophisticated studies yielded weaker effect sizes than did other studies. In addition, for some outcomes, more recent studies yielded weaker effect sizes than did studies carried out during earlier decades. Some support was found for theoretical perspectives emphasizing parental absence and economic disadvantage, but the most consistent support was found for a family conflict perspective."

if i decided i can trust this paper's conclusions then the answer would seem to be 'yes,' although it's interesting that more recent studies show less of an effect (of divorce on children) and i'd obviously like to see something more recent to see if that trend continued. there's also a suggestion here about the reason why—that it has to do with the effect of family conflict. this would lead me away from what OlderAndWiser (divorcee) takes to be the commonsense approach, ie. that it's simply better to have both parents together in one house, because if the explanation for the problem w/r/t children of divorce is family conflict that isn't going to apply in other situations where both parents are not together in one house, for example in a household where one parent died.

please don't take this to be an actual answer to the question. i am talking about how i would approach finding an answer to the question. i 1. didn't actually read the paper, 2. don't know how much i can trust this paper, and 3. didn't follow up with anything more recent. but if i did all those things i figure i'd end up with an answer to that question which was likely to be correct.

midnightmoon05 · Answer

Most of the time. The children will take the blame as well feel sad when they can’t be with the other parent.
I work with a lot of children. It’s easy to sense those who come from strong family unity where they are alert, ready to learned because they are loved and emotionally stable.
I had one last year, who was inconsistent, she seek attention and did not care about her school work. When the parents reunited, she was happy as a bean and was able to catch up with her school work.
this year, the little boy wrote in his journal daily that he is sad because mom doesn’t want him to see dad. He also shows his sadness. One day, he hid behind his chair. When the class was doing their independent work, I pulled him aside to talk to him. He wants/needs someone to talk to, I try to take time to hug him and tell him both parents love him.
one day, I checked his homework. His father wrote his phone number and asked me to call. I spoke to the father on a weekend. He was thrill to hear from me on a weekend and that his son got a 100 on his math test. He didn’t believe it and test his son separately to be sure it’s not a mistake.
I ensured him that it’s important to be able to encourage his twins (yes twin boys) if he can that both parents love them even if they are in two separate homes.

Haha456 · Answer

kids of divorced parents are not at all disadvantaged. They're just rather struggling to cope with a life environment and lifestyle.

The only negative effect is that the kids will miss the fun family environment of having both parents together: the jokes, the silliness, the coziness of having a big family. Even though this might not seem like a huge thing. It still hurts the kids because its something they have grown so accustomed to that they just don't know how to live without it.

A similar analogy:

A rich kid who is used to driving cars instead of having to take the bus. Being able to buy whatever he wants from the store instead of having to beg his parents for money. Once you strip this rich kid out of his credit card, free spending. Now he needs to stand at the bus corner to wait for the bus 15 minutes every day. He will sink into depression. He will feel like he cannot live without his credit card and car. Thus, this will negatively impact him. But reality is, waiting for the bus, and begging our parents for money is how the vast majority of children grow up in the US. We are not disadvantaged.

Its just that when these kids are used to being accustomed to a living a certain lifestyle, they can't cope to living another lifestyle.

xJeremyx · Answer

Definitely. Divorced families are dysfunctional. Divorce robs the child of the right to grow up in a family where his/her parents set a good example of what a good relationship should be like.

A child without a good father does not have a teacher of emotional stability and a source of security and fun memories; he/she has no idea how a man should treat the people around him.

A child without a mother does not have a place of comfort and solace, and the glue that keeps a family together; he/she has no idea how a woman should treat the people around her.

Divorce is traumatic. It teaches children that relationships are likely to fail, and fails to give children an understanding of how healthy relationships work. Divorce robs children of a person that they share a strong bond with, or leaves the children with the parent that does not treat them right.

Yes, in cases of domestic abuse, divorce is beneficial even for the children. But in most other cases, it is not. It is harmful.

Sun_Kim-Ai · Answer

They were already on the brink of divorce when I was born, and to be honest I didn't really care.

The only real bad thing I could say is when my mother literally showed up one day when I was 14 and took me to live in her apartment. It was a shock going from a beautiful house with garden to her small apartment.

Dinklex3 · Answer

I think it depends on the situation.

My best friend and her mom used to get hit by her dad. She would pray that they'd get a divorce all the time, but said her mom wouldn't because they depend on him financially.

My mom and dad were separated for a while and lived in different places. I didn't care if they divorced or not because I still saw my dad frequently 🤷🏾‍♀️

My other best friend's parents were divorced, but she was also fine because she saw her dad frequently.

I think it depends on the maturity of the children and how parents explain and deal with splitting up.

Moose304 · Answer

Divorce is the lesser of two evils. I can't tell you how many people I know who are messed up because they grew up in loveless homes where their parents were just roommates. This also has a tendency to repeat in children when they get married. Just like a male child of a man that physically abuses his wife and kids more often than not will grow up to be an abusive man. Children are not stupid. They can figure out things a lot better than grownups can ever imagine. This basically is the moral behind the old story about the Emporer has no clothes. I will NEVER apologize for being old school about marriage and bringing children into this world. Back years ago an 18-year-old was much more stable and grownup than today's 18-year-olds are. We are having more and more people with childlike minds being parents. Divorce is horrible for children. What's MUCH worse though is a child growing up in a dysfunctional home.

TenderFantasy · Answer

As bad as this sounds, if my parents had divorced when I was a chid, I wouldn't have cared. I was TOO SELFISH and worried about my OWN life. I had nothing to do with their love life! I was just a child! The people who say it ruined a part of their life are insane. How can they put the blame on themselves, when they were just a child and had NOTHING to do with it!

sage2021 · Answer

I always wanted a family like all my friends had. But my parents divorced when I was only four. He didn't pay child support either, which made my childhood even harder. A kid needs clothes and food!
It didn't really bother me most of my life, but now that I am much older, for some reason all my resentment is showing it's ugly head about my feelings for him.
He should have never had any children!
Yes, divorce is really bad!

art84 · Answer

I think it affects children like I have two nieces (8 years old/6 years old) and they appear more withdrawn and wish that both their mom and dad were still together. Before the divorce both girls were happy and everything seemed perfect. They now have to spend time between both parents house and I just think that the sad part is they won't get to have both parents in one household. They understand that both parents still love them. They don't get to have the experience of having both a father and mother under the same roof and have to alternate between both other every weekend. Though I think it's the best for both parents if things couldn't work out between them then stay in a marriage where neither partner is satisfied and tired of how things turned out.

serious_miss419 · Answer

There is no yes or no response to this plain question.
I know a child that had a better life when their parents split up and never seen their father, by choice and that child lived happily with their mother. Their mother worked hard and provided (without receiving child support) and didn’t sleep or party around and didn’t move around and also did well helping the child go to school and study for the military.
Each situation is very different in itself.
Many factors can either make or break the outcome. The child’s age, the maturity of the parents or parent the child lives with, the parents job security and sooooooo many things.

DaisyM23 · Answer

not necessarily, it's more how the parents cope with it that affects a child. sometimes it's better to be divorced than together if the relationships is really resentful/abusive which is good for a child, but if you divorce and it's just years of court cases and going from one house to another without any sort of structure or help it could be bad. i have a few friends whose parents are divorced and they're fine because their parents still get along and they cooperate

NotTacocaT6969 · Answer

When my parents divorced I immediately started to self-harm, gain weight, isolate myself and became outwardly violent.  I was only 9.

CubsterShura · Answer

Divorce is impactful on children, but I do believe a huge part has to do with not the divorce itself but everything surrounding it, like the conflict between the parents, the anger being taken out on them, the attitude of people around them, and then having to move constantly... I believe hypothetically a divorce handled well won't impact the child as much.

Divorce can absolutely be BETTER for children in situations of an abusive parent, so the children can be safe from that parent.

Qdbrown · Answer

Divorce is just a legal proceeding. It's how the parents behave and work together as parents.

If the parents can't handle themsleves as parents, after the love and marriage is gone, the kids are going to suffer. Same way if a parent is abusive or neglectful.

Other kids can be in a family that lives happily under two roofs, if the parents are committed to raising kids after the paper on the decree dries.

Razp_Sorbet · Answer

Yes and no. There are long term effects of having divorced parents but the effects of being in a household with parents arguing all the time is a lot worse.

So long as there's a healthy co parenting relationship it's not that much of an issue

Anonymous · Answer

Divorce leads to a poorer financial landscape and single parent environments which are known not to benefit children. And children tend to blame themselves and feel the loss profoundly. The parent's attitudes may also not help.
It's a disaster for the children.

exitseven · Answer

I am the product of a broken home. My parents got divorced when I was in high school but many years before that it was no picnic either. I never saw up close a good relationship and it affected me later in life. You always see on TV how when parents get divorced they try to buy the affections of their kids with nice cars and fancy vacations. Alas, that was not the case with my brother and me.

Akam93 · Answer

It can be. My parents divorced at a not so great of time. Let's just say all of kids went a little wild. Lol as me and my siblings.

misogynistic_pig · Answer

Yes, that depends on whether the parents are rich or not, if my parents were rich it wouldn't bother me as long as they kept giving me money, it would only bother me if they started bringing their new partners into the house, I wouldn't mind if they fight either. But if I am not rich, I will blame them and not help them when they are old.

Soulfist · Answer

Yes, I marriage benefits children the most. Marriage is the willingness for both the man and woman to make sacrifices. When going through divorce the two parents are just trying to take stabs at each other and aren't thinking about the kids.

For the child's mentals health it's bad. But there is a lot of divorce going on and a lot of mental illness as well.

Anonymous · Answer

I believe its really hard on young children much more than a lot of people are willing to admit, usually people just say kids are tough but in most cases their father is ripped out of their lives at a young age only getting to see them at the weekend

Anonymous · Answer

depends on the kid i guess. but i can tell you that when my parents separated, tried again, and then eventually divorced when i was a pre-teen it's really fucked me up. and i'm 31 now and still get upset over it... it's a scar that i can't really heal

Hispanic-Cool-Guy · Answer

Yes. Ideally, children do better in a two parent household assuming those parents provide a healthy environment and structure in that child's home and life.

Moreover, if the parents are constantly fighting and raising hell in that home or the child isn't safe in that house then it's best to at least separate and get the child the hell out of there for their well-being.

Static_In_The_Attic · Answer

It depends on the situation & if a divorce can lead to a better quality of life for the child than a divorce really isn’t that bad.

helbigarthur · Answer

It depends some divorces end terriblely which tends to have a bad effect on the kids involved. But in some cases it can be beneficial if it wasn't a good environment in the first place. Hard one to anwser I would say no as long as everyone stays civil

lightbulb27 · Answer

I think it's hard on most because it's insecurity. If the parents turn the lemon into lemonaide, then it's good.

The kids here went through it but are fine now. Kids are adaptable. It was a heck of a shock at one time though...

Backnforth · Answer

Divorce is just an arrangement, the damaging part is if things are not handled properly after the divorce which is up to the parents. Divorce on its own is fantastic for creating new possibilities out of what's probably a dysfunctional family.

Potteplante · Answer

That depends on how the parents handle the divorce. In fact then I'm a hard believer in that it is better to divorce than stay together for the children - again when handled correctly and maturely.

dustybiker · Answer

I’d say abuse witnessed from a broken marriage is far more damaging. Watching parents rip each other apart (verbally and or physically) day in and day out is damaging.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes as most of the time the mother uses the children as political pawns to get back at her ex. Ever notice how divorce rates are higher now then they were 20 years ago? Also notice how there are more mass shootings now then there was 20 years ago? Coincidence both went up at the same time? I think not. Boys need their (girls too) father in their life, but causing pain to your ex is more important so boys (girls too) grow up without a father figure.

Smoothing · Answer

Divorce actually affects children more than the couple. That effect will affect them psychologically for the rest of their lives. Whether intensely or mildly.

HighValue · Answer

For the ones that end up living in single mother households it is, and that is based on what I have seen IRL while working in schools for 12 years.

Apple1996 · Answer

Nah I'd rather see a couple get divorced then them stay together and the child constantly sees a unhealthy realtionship

GreenLanternI0I · Answer

It is not just bad, it is catastrophic. My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 35 now) and even to this day I personally feel the effects.

Anonymous · Answer

Two parents are better than one parent. Two loving parents are better than two hate filled parents. If you can divorce and coparent or remarry quickly, the damage can be mitigated.

Chazmatazz269 · Answer

Children need both parents. When people don’t have what they need, the consequences can be tragic.

Anonymous · Answer

No. People love to use it as an excuse because they’re too afraid to leave. If the spouse is spiteful enough to ask for sole custody then you picked wrong when choosing who to marry

SphynxUK · Answer

Divorce affects children in countless ways regardless of their age.

AngryCarl2 · Answer

I think it depends when it happens. If they're young, yes. Late teens, not so much. If your parents had a bad relationship it makes it harder for you to have a good one.

Catarine · Answer

My parents divorced when I was 7 and I grew up perfectly fine

OddBeMe · Answer

Ultimately decided by who good the parents are. Seen it work well, and the kids are fine. Then I’ve seen true crime docs about the divorces that didn’t work out.

XXblack88 · Answer

mentally yes unless one of the parents is abusive

Anonymous · Answer

Doesn't seem to be many upsides, children of divorced parents are emotionally, and materially less secure.

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Yuppers, women choose their own "happiness" over the happiness of their children.

melisaaa · Answer

If the parents would tell the child, its normal and their love and attention is not gonna change for him, i dont think this would be a problem

LiamJHayden · Answer

Overall, yes, but there are obvious exceptions.

BlueIguana98 · Answer

Yes it is. Just because adults can handle it doesn’t mean kids can

Noah-z · Answer

Of course, a lot of women are naive and selfish enough to vote No!

BJP21 · Answer

They are victims of any fallout. Mentally and emotionally.

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, but a bad marriage is 1000 times worse.

Dinosaursandanime65 · Answer

Maybe when you become self aware but I wouldn’t know because I wasn't

QuietRunner · Answer

Almost all the studies say so. So a consensus of experts must be right. Let's trust the science on this

Anonymous · Answer

if a child has two mentor in life is obvisiuly better, else it would be diffucult for him to learn how to live.

Figurine89 · Answer

Very, its aso, according to bible thumpers, a sin, to divorce

Anonymous · Answer

Yes, my mom cheated on my dad and now I've become a cheater myself

Apple_Cider · Answer

Divorce can be a blessing.

Is divorce really that bad for children?

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