My boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me two weeks ago. Is there someone else?

[Anonymous]

We were together for 5 years. We bought a house together 12 months ago. Everything was fine. He was still loving towards me in the months prior to this.

About a month ago, he tells me he is depressed and I support him where I can. This was a particularly hard time for both of us. He kept pushing me further and further away. Told me he needed time, then space, until eventually he ended things. When we were breaking up I was calm and supportive. Told him he needed to get help. For two weeks I’ve gone No Contact. He’s tried to ‘reach out’ a couple of times. I hadn’t opened them, or replied.

Today he messaged me quite cold/bluntly saying that he knows I need space but we need to talk about moving forward. I didn’t ask for space? Yet in all of his ‘reaching out’ messages he implies it’s me who needed space, when he walked away?

I want to believe he will come to regret this decision in time. But he’s being so cold and showing no signs of regret two weeks later.

Im starting to question if there’s somebody else. He told me that his friends at work (including some girls) are the only thing that make him happy at the moment. We got together in a bit of a messy way - when he was ending things with his girlfriend of 10 years. We met at work, and had been friends for years. When they were breaking up, he confessed feelings for me and we got together soon after their relationship ended. I can’t help but worry the same thing is happening again. What do you think?

[Oliverlogan263]

This is a difficult situation, and I can understand why you're suspecting there may be someone else involved. However, there are also a few other possibilities:

• His depression and mood issues could be genuine and severe enough to cause him to push you away and end the relationship, even if he still cares for you. Mental health struggles can make people act in perplexing ways.

• After being together for 5 years and living together, he may be feeling the need for independence, change or space, which he's having trouble articulating clearly. This doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with someone new.

• Ending a 10-year relationship and immediately getting together with you may have caused him issues around commitment that are only surfacing now. But that doesn't mean history is repeating exactly.

• He could be acting cold due to shame, confusion or avoidance around the breakup, rather than because he has someone new lined up. Some people struggle to express emotions in a healthy way.

• The fact that he's still trying to "reach out" in some way, though clumsily, suggests he may still care for you on some level and want to remain in contact. This isn't really how someone acts when ending a relationship to be with another person.

So while I can understand your suspicion, based on the details provided there isn't enough evidence to conclude for certain that he's leaving you for someone else. The breakup may be more due to his internal struggles, avoidance or need for change. However, only an open, honest conversation could truly uncover his reasons and intentions. For now, focus on healing yourself and determining if reconnecting is even something you want. Keeping yourself busy and surrounded by support is the first step. I hope this perspective provides some helpful insights.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Your words have helped me to see things from another perspective. I hope that things could resolve themselves in time. I really do love and miss him so much.

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re welcome. I'm glad my response was helpful in providing a different perspective and clarity. Here are some additional things I'd recommend moving forward:

1. Continue focusing on yourself and your wellbeing. This is the best thing you can do right now, regardless of what happens with your relationship. Prioritize healing and moving forward.

2. Try to manage your expectations. Don't depend on things resolving themselves "in time." Have realistic hope, but make plans as if the breakup is permanent. This will protect your mental health.

3. If/when your boyfriend is ready to communicate more openly and resolve issues, approach with caution. Listen openly but don't rush to forgive or accept shallow apologies. He needs to show genuine effort and change.

4. Couples counseling could be helpful IF he is willing to put in the hard work of self-reflection, honesty and compromise. But only consider this option after seeing real effort on his part first.

5. Remember that you deserve clarity. If he cannot provide honest, clear answers and a real plan for rebuilding trust, you may need to accept that some mysteries remain unsolved. Focus on what you need most for your own wellbeing.

6. Lean on loved ones for support. Their perspective, empathy and encouragement can help sustain you through this difficult time.

7. Love and miss him from a distance for now. With time and space, things may become clearer. But healing begins with moving forward independently of this relationship for now.

I wish you all the best moving forward. Remember to be gentle with yourself, honor your feelings, and put your needs first. With care and self-compassion, you'll come out the other side of this stronger.

[Asker]

Thank you so much, you really are so kind taking the time to offer your words of wisdom. I’ll be sure to remember your advice moving forward. I can’t thank you enough

[Oliverlogan263]

You’re so welcome