Have you ever been the "someone else?" What did you learn from it?

[OlderAndWiser]

I guess others saw it before I did, and she kept it from me as long as she could.

I dated two women, back-to-back, who left me to return to their former boyfriend or husband. Neither was involved with the ex when I got involved, but both of them had broken up the previous relationship recently and - obviously - they were not resolved and ready to move forward. Towards the end of both relationships, it became obvious that the ex was more important and I was just the "someone else" who had once been convenient but now was a problem that needed to be resolved.

This happened about 43-45 years ago but I still remember them very well. It was a sad time in my life but, after the second one, I learned to respect myself. I never again tolerated being in such a position and my future relationships were mostly much healthier.

Were you ever the "someone else?" How did you resolve that situation and what did you learn from it?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I was. In a bit of a different situation. For me I had known of her existence. Heard that he was involved with someone but didn't know her and had never met her or seen her. She was just an idea. The fling seems a little risky, but you keep it going, cause you're really falling for him. You realize you care a lot about him. He wants to take it up a level with you, but then you tell him to break his main off, cause you saw their texts and photos and started to realize they are real a thing, and you can't be with a taken man. You ask him believing, that he will choose you, since he must like you as much as you like him. But no. Because he never choose you. He chose her, and you were just around. He never really cared about you at all. It could've been anyone. And you realize youve been duped, and you were the biggest bitch of them all. It's a hard feeling to feel the disgust, disgrace, and sadness at the same time.

[OlderAndWiser]

Yeah, I remember!

[WhitneySnow]

I was. End of my freshman year of high school. Not fun. Very similar to your situations.

[WhitneySnow]

Thanks for MHO

[Finchie40]

Sadly to say , plenty of times , before I was married and after my divorce, I hooked up with married women and Girls’s that were already in a relationships , that lied and said they were single and then finding out the truth after we had sex a bunch of times. The second I found out they lied I ended it with them. So it just goes to show females’ can be just as bad or worse than Guy’s are labeled out to be. With my experiences and things I have witnessed , Females actually are worse than Men in my opinion , Females just have a better way of hiding it more than Men can. Why I no longer jump into a relationship with a girl until she proves to me she isn’t a cheating whore. Sadly it’s always a 50/50 chance whether she is or not , I only go after girls’ that value relationships that have morals that understand what it means to be in a relationship, that values me like I value her, Honesty attracts me , if a girl is honest with me , her chances of getting me in bed increases sadly most girls’ have a hard time being honest so she might be able to get me in bed , but that’s about it , once I find out the truth it’s over , Basically Thank you for a good time but not a long time

[AviatorTom]

I've been the "someone else", different from what you describe though.

After my divorce, I dated a woman for several months. As time went on, it became obvious that she was "distracted" when we were together. After we broke up, I discovered that she was interested in another guy, and was dragging me along until the other guy noticed her.

It hurt when we broke up, and hurt even more when I learned why. I commiserated, throwing myself into my work, for a few weeks then started dating again.

[coachTanthony]

Most times the red flags are there and deep down you know something ain't right but you keep going because in the moment you are getting what you want.

[lightbulb27]

One I recall. Pre Christian then and ended it the next day, but it went too far after I found out. Wasn't intercourse, but bad enough. I had gotten through a lot of life without any female... never seen one, that made me sad, desperate and not care when I found out. That allure is powerful and I was easy bait. I was messed up emotionally from decades of unresolved wounds and didn't know it. It took decades to find the underlying issues and peel them like layers off an onion. I had guilt and that gave me the right answer to end it, so I was fortunate there. Desperation leads to bad decisions that felt ok at the time. Values are important to maintaining good healthy relations... lessons learned.

I felt bad for her husband, I met him. I wondered... what is the right thing to do but never did anything. He was another... nice guy. sad.

I successfully turned away some others and gained wisdom to avoid some problems. I fell into other relational traps, I was very dunce. In hindsight, I'd have started therapy as soon as I went to work and couldn't successfully date and probably spent $20,000.

People have their reasons to cheat, lie, deceive and hurt others. It's selfishness and emotional problems. People just want to feel good and they will discard the values that hold us to goodness to plug the holes.

We (people) have to be not needy and not desperate, able to relate/connect and vulnerable but able to say no. Strength! Walking around with a emotional barbs in your chest makes one a zombie! And that's a lot of people. If not aware, we are fodder to be used. You must have strength in this world, emotional, spiritual, physical. "The devil roams around like a roaring lion..." rings true.

I know other women who've been the "other woman". Deeper psychological problems, a quest to plug the voids, leads to all sorts of mayhem and pain. Suffering is he result.

People really need more training and conditioning. If we go to martial arts class to learn to defend ourselves physically, we go driving school and test drive for minimal time for safety, but our training in relationships, hazards and such is nearly nil. Our society is creating it's own problems.

Imagine this... at work, instead of work training training, they talk about good values to hold in relationships. We'd had people get married, cheat, divorced, sex in the office... that stuff needs instilled.

Or maybe we need to go to church and hear/repeat what is right and wrong!:) There's value in those old culture traditions, right or wrong.

Else... it's a mad house and you/we, have to be wise.

[BlackCat999]

I was the someone else. This relationship was clearly toxic and similar to you, I thought I respected myself but I understood after, that it wasn't enough self respect 😂

The guy was a clown, I don't know what I saw in him to make me feel stuck that way. I was in love and he kept hidding things from me.
Once, he told me he had a girlfriend and, I tried distancing myself from him but, living in the same house as me and his relationship being long distance, anytime he had an issue with her he would come to me. He never told her about the cheating even after their breakup. At that point I was emotionally confused and in mental fog. Then he got a second girlfriend, same thing happened because she just wasn't ready to pass the 3rd base with him. So, he came to me. He knew I loved him but, he just didn't give a shit. Eventually, with friends help and all I got out of this mess and found a bit of self-worth... Thank God.

I was just too weak and unhealed to impose myself at that time. But, never again, for sure.

[Hawkes_Lady]

Yes, I've been in that situation. It hurt a lot to realize that I wasn't "the one" who would make the cheetah change his spots. I guess it was my own fault. I knew he had a reputation for being a cheater and I tried to ignore the red flags. But, at that time I didn't think I deserved anything better, so I was okay with the leftovers.

What did I learn from the experience... I learned that I deserved better than how he was treating me. I learned that cheetahs never ever change their spots. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And I also learned that I don't ever want to be the "someone else" ever again.

[msc545]

I've definitely been in that position several times in the past. Once or twice knowingly and once or twice not knowing. I was very young when I was involved with somebody and knew that they were married or had a boyfriend and I didn't know any better. I was a little older when I was involved with people and I didn't know about their involvement with others. In all of these cases I had an underlying feeling that there was something wrong but I could never exactly put my finger on it or articulate it adequately. None of these relationships such as they were came to anything that I would describe as a good end. I would never do anything like this again for any reason.

[Anonymous]

Yes. The sad thing was that even after I found out I decided to still stick around for another 6 months or so bcs I was already too attached to him emotionally. I finally realized my worth and left. It hurt so much being the “second best”, I hated being his secret, I hated myself for staying for that long, I hated myself for knowingly being the other woman and felt immense guilt for the main woman. After some therapy and lots of self reflection, I’m in a much better mental state - I have to learn to love myself more tho.

[silvermoon84]

No, I’ve never been the other woman but when I was in my 20’s and still in the Navy I’ve had a couple of guys try to make me the other woman. Never went anywhere because I always found out about the wife and would drop the guy immediately. I don’t only blame the guy though. There are some women who are okay with this arrangement as well so I also blame them as well.

[WhereIsMyMind]

No, luckily I haven't gone out with anyone who is already in a relationship. I've had a man try it with me when I knew he was married, but I have no interest in being involved with someone like that.

[OlderAndWiser]

It sometimes happens after you have established your relationship.

[RavVid]

No I haven't and don't think I'd want to be. It would be difficult if you had feelings for them and they were enthusiastic at first. I think unencumbered is what you want and still encumbered is difficult.

Ideally you would their ex to be encumbered with someone new too.

[NeverGiveUp69]

I was first as a teen and been the other guy a few more times. Taught me that older woman, married women and moms are all really horny too and a lot of them do not get satisfied by their husbands no matter how much they try

[OlderAndWiser]

Did it teach you anything else?

[Nikki1989]

Yes, without knowing the guy was married. As soon as I found it, I ended it.

[sweeTiffany2000]

No, but I have been accused of being the other woman and was physically assaulted by his girlfriend of two years. I would never want to be in this position.

[DiegoO]

I honestly don't know. I hope it was never the case, but no way I could have ever find out.

[Likes2drive]

Not that I can recall but haven’t been in as many as you

[Twalli]

Thankfully I have never been the someone else and never was anyone's rebound

[LunarEclipse433]

Yes it has happened a couple of times. It hurts to the core

[catarecute]

if you class stalking someone and watching them masturbate on webcam when you are already married as cheating then yes.

[Dhi99]

I came across this girl that I kind of knew. I was surprised to see her and she was also very surprised to see me as neither she nor I normally go to that area during that time.

After few seconds, I said hi with a smile. She gave a smile but did not say hi. She kept looking at me. I said how are you? Again she did not reply but kept looking at me with a smile.
I said you are good right? Did not say a word and just kept looking at me with a smile.

I repeated “ you are doing well right” 2–3 times and finally she shook her head.
Why was she not responding to me but looking at me with a smile.

[catarecute]

@Dhi99 cuz smiles are polite and she was being polite. maybe she didn't recognise you

[Dhi99]

She did recognise me. We usually comeacross each other once a week or so. But we didn't come across for a month or so and we came across each other suddenly.

I will rephrase it

Could you please help me. I am a guy and there is this girl that I kind of know. We did not come across each other for a month or so and suddenly one day we run into each other. Maybe due to this we were both very surprised to see each other. We kept looking at each other for few seconds and finally I gave a smile and said “hi”.
She responded with a smile but did not say hi. She kept looking at me. I said how are you? Again she did not reply but kept looking at me with a smile.
I said “you are good right?”
She did not say a word and just kept looking at me with a smile.
I repeated “ you are doing well right” 2–3 times and finally she nod her head.
Why was she not responding to me but looking at me with a smile. If she wanted to not talk, she could have left. But she did not leave and she kept looking at me with a smile

[catarecute]

@Dhi99 i dont know if you are a troll or one of those men who are stalking me but honestly you dont scare me. i am aware that i am being stalked by a couple of people and i am way smarter than every single one of them. i saw a man at the hotel yesterday. i had never seen him before. if that was you i am already being stalked by another guy a mormon. the difference is i was in love with him and i would actually probably enjoy him raping me. you on the other hand i would have no problem reporting you to the police.

[Anonymous]

I've been both the someone else as well as the ex. It's fucked up either ways. Avoid getting into such situations at all cost.