What makes your In Laws love you?

Question

So, I somehow got very lucky with my ex, whose parents loved me a lot.

They bought a car for me in the past when I was engaged to their son, I didn’t accept it at that time and told them to give it to their daughter instead, they really supported me all along out relationship and encouraged our future marriage.

Even after our break up, they kept in touch with me and were by my side emotionally all the time.

They used to send me presents , money, even though I never took anything from them, I still appreciated their care for me. I was always sending their money back to them.

And while I tried to keep my distance from them because I was moving on from my ex, I still didn’t manage to cut all ties with them, as they loved me so much.

They told me they are my Chinese parents and I used to call them my Chinese dad and mom.

When I broke my leg, they were on a trip, they cut their trip short and came to Shanghai from their hometown today, spent a whole day with me, they brought me so many presents and and so many things when they came.

We had an amazing day together, we talked, laughed, dined together. I enjoyed spending time with them a lot and they seem to enjoy it too.

Then they were giving me the red envelope which I didn’t accept and gave them back.

When they left they messaged me that they hid the red envelope in my cupboard when I was not looking.

When leaving they told me they loved me.

I felt so loved and cared for.

I wonder, how is it possible for my ex in laws to care for me so much?

What did I do to make them love me this much?

love_conquers_lust · Accepted Answer

Probably because they like you. They may also feel shame for their son’s actions. There might also be a cultural difference, from my perspective.

I don’t agree with what they’re doing. I think it inappropriate. I think they’re reopening old wounds unless they’re looking to disown their son and adopt you. They should mind their own lives and support your ex.

However, because of your injured leg, I could understand supporting you if you had absolutely no other option. But there should be no talk whatsoever of your ex. Every word they speak should focus on your wellbeing in regards to your injury, that’s it.

My family generally doesn’t interact with the ex in-laws of my sister beyond what is necessary. We’re still polite because we have no ill will towards each other, but there is a reason my sister does only what is necessary when it comes to custody obligations in the interests of my niece.

What we did as a family was rallied behind my sister and supported her decision no matter what, that was the responsible thing to do. Her ex has the same with his family. It would be disrespectful of my sister’s autonomy to support her ex. We’re treating it the same as before they met. That’s what was healthy for my sister and it helped her move on.

Now, she’s happily married to her new husband who more aligns with her values and beliefs. He’s also quite a bit taller, couple inches taller than me. I get along with him better than her ex.

Remember when your ex’s mother tried to guilt you for “not fighting for” your ex. And now they wish to shower you with gifts?

It’s not being kind by trying to be “nice” if they’re intent is to encourage you to get back together with your ex. What went on between you and your ex is your business, not theirs. Love something and let it go; if it comes back, then it’s yours to love.

However, you are in a foreign country. They may also be trying to support you if they feel you are lonely. Like your second family away from home. I can understand that as well because I have a “second mother” I address as “mom” in jest. She was a coworker of my mother and is a good family friend. She and her family will sometimes vacation with my parents. She was kind enough to let me stay with her and her family one summer when I interned at a job away from school. We still see them every year and she still writes me letters. She also buys me the most comfortable boxers that infantilize me as they have things like Superman and Batman on them as a joke.

Anyway, it would be difficult to get over your ex if you had them visiting you. My gut tells me this is a strange cultural difference that I wouldn’t consider appropriate here in the West. It infringes on someone’s freedom to do something like that. They may be appear to be good people, but they truly would be good if they respected your choice. You should be allowed to love who you want to love without pressure, positive or negative, from others. Because the final decision, lay with you.

Oliverlogan263 · Accepted Answer

Wow, that's so amazing that your ex's parents love you so much! It seems like you really connected with them on a deep level.

It sounds like you were super respectful of them from the start. Like not taking the car when they offered, and always sending money back, that probably made them feel really respected. And calling them your Chinese parents, I'm sure that meant so much to them.

It also seems like you're just really caring and kind. You appreciated all their support even after the breakup. And they can probably tell how much you cared about their son too.

Even now they're still checking up on you and wanting to spend time together. Maybe they just see how awesome you are! You're probably really fun to be around too since you were laughing and having a great day when they visited recently.

Honestly it just sounds like they adore you because of who you are - sweet, caring, respectful. You definitely didn't do anything weird to make them love you, they probably just think of you as part of their family now! You should feel so honored, it's really rare to have in-laws love you that much.

wolfcat87 · Accepted Answer

You probably fit what they want to see in a daughter in law. Most parents have some ideal of what they envision for their child's future.

My first husband's parents wanted him with a super religious white woman. I'm not that. Their other son married a white woman who was not super religious. They didn't like her either. They got divorced, and he married a very religious white woman who was horrible to them and their son. He thought it would make everyone happier, but it was worse. Their daughter married a very religious and controlling white man, and now they are divorced. Another daughter married a mixed guy, I don't know much about him, they are separated or divorced. Out of all of their kids, the only ones who are still married and stable, with healthy and happy kids, are their son and I. They eventually grew to like me when they realized their ideals had failed and I was standing by their son and doing right with my family.

My second husband's parents wanted him to marry a portuguese girl and live across the street from them. He didn't do anything they wanted. We live over 2,000 miles away. They still don't like me after a decade, because we never moved near them or had kids.

MissStrawberry912 · Accepted Answer

I’ve never been married lol. But my experience with old partners’ parents, I bought and made them personable gifts.. tried to connect with them.. be polite.. help out.. and spend time with the family.

AmeerX · Answer

I found that really heart warming. My Chinese friend still takes care of her in laws even though her husband cheated on her and divorced her. She doesn't have custody of her son but she is definitely caring to her in laws in their old age. She spends a lot on them and when I asked why she replied because they are her parents.

It's really kindness like this that makes me feel happy. In laws in my country are so different from China. They are always thinking the girl or boy is just out to commit some eccentric scheme 😔.

Joshydavid25 · Answer

So bare with me Miss.. I'm not trying to sound cynical or anything or take away from their great relationship with you.. But TBH, it probably has something to do with you being a pretty, sweet, "White" woman..

Twalli · Answer

I make my girlfriend happy. That's all. They want her to be happy, I do that. She says I was the best thing that has ever happened to her and her family agrees. Since she is the best thing that ever happened to me (my family agrees) we both realize that we have found THE ONE. Everyone knows how rare and unlikely that is, since most people just settle for someone they love and really like, but isn't THE ONE. What reason would you have to dislike the person who is perfect for your family member?

NathanDavis · Answer

they would see how happy she was... basically, it

lightbulb27 · Answer

the red envelope of money gift... nice! that's unique, they must be very caring people and took a liking to you, maybe in you they say some part of their own family member.

BoopBoopBeep · Answer

They're convinced I'm the best my ex will ever get, but they also think it's cool that i can cook well and "take care of things" if shite goes south.

exitseven · Answer

I had a history with my wife's family. I knew her grandparents since I was little and she knew my aunt and uncle for years as well. We had a lot in common and it just was one of those cosmic occurrences' that we got together.

BourbonAndBacon · Answer

I rented a huge house on the water and brought her entire family for a weekend at the beginning of our relationship to get to know them all. Had 20 people in there and had a blast eating and drinking with them. For Christmas this year I'm sending her parents on vacation. Bought flights and a week on a white sand beach for them. It's not something they can afford and I'm happy to do it for them because they don't expect it

Andres77 · Answer

All of my in-laws loved me more than my exes did. While I fought with my exes and then divorced they’d apologize for their daughter’s behavior and were sorry to see me go.

Jamesier · Answer

Their son loving you very much and you being a valuable and loving person to their son and to they themselves

Anonymous · Answer

I don't know in my case they were abusive so I basically saved her from them and we never looked back

KrakenAttackin · Answer

It seems you have answered your own question.

TonyMetal___86 · Answer

Chinese people are usually good and respectful to everyone 😌

ThrillSeeker01 · Answer

I try to be polite to my brother in law and he's cool with that.

mohannad5 · Answer

Paying attention to what he likes, and offering sincere feelings

Agape93 · Answer

Depends on which inlaws

Anonymous · Answer

this is just how chinese inlaws are

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