I love my ex boyfriend but I think I push him too hard. We ldr rn. He has sign of anxiety like bitting nail, insomnia, constant need for something to soothe him and etc. I always soothe and comforting him and now he constant need me to be on call with him. Even if one of us sleep, we have to be on call. Even if nothing happens, can't hang up. Even if we have stuff to do, need to call back after that. Every call usually 4h to 25h duration. He is sick from unknown flu so I give in on his demand. Before he got sick, he usually busy with work, gym, hobby and friends. However, after he got sick for 1 week and half ago, he become clingy. It mostly just cough but he can't go to work because of covid restriction. Now his day mostly occupy by our call. He stop going to gym and start exercising at home. From daily meeting friends, now he only meet them when I busy with errands outside. He also will text me constantly and become anxious if I didn't reply within an hour. He now super possessive of me. I can't even say others guy name more than twice. He become forgetful on a lot of stuff when we have disagreement. Stuff that I say so many times that can be proven by text or stuff that he promise. Every fight end with compromise, forgive and forget but we keep fight about same thing because he forgets it for real. I maybe a bit asshole by making him promise to go to therapy. Saying he can't call me until he shows me therapy date. Somehow he said he didn't mean he promise to go therapy, he said he just promise not to worry me. It become huge fight that he gives me ultimatum to forgive and forget or fuck off. We now break up. I don't know if I doing the right thing. I genuinely worry about him rn
3 mo
Why guy hate the thought of going to therapy so much?
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It sucks, therapy gets such a bad rap but it really helps a lot of people. A lot of guys see it as weak or something, which is dumb I think. Your boy definitely sounds like he could benefit from talking to someone more experienced though.
Anxiety is tough to deal with alone, and being clingy like that isn't healthy long term for either of you. But I get why he's defensive about the therapy suggestion too - change is scary. Maybe try coming at it from an angle of you just caring about his wellbeing, not judging him at all.
Would be cool if you could get through to him that therapy isn't shameful, just him taking care of himself. Is there a close friend of his you could ask to gently talk to him too? Coming from another guy might land better.
Ultimately he's gotta want to help himself, you can't force it. All you can do is make it clear you care and the offer's open if he changes his mind. Wish there was a better solution man, but don't feel bad - you tried looking out for him.
I don't have any way to contact his friends. I try nudge or imply therapy to him before but he doesn't see it as issue. Also, in his eyes, any concern of mine is equal to me want to break up with him. He said I imply but tbh I just say my concern about anything in the relationship but to him I want to break up. I don't even mention the word break up or separate. I can't change him, I know that but I do want to stay with him. I always believe that if he can change it, we can be together without harming each other.
Man, that's really tough. It seems like he has some serious anxiety and trust issues that are making it hard for him to accept help or criticism without feeling threatened.
Since you don't have contact with his friends, there's probably not much more you can directly do for him right now. As hard as it is, you really can't force someone to get help if they aren't ready for it. All you can do is take care of yourself.
Maybe write him a letter expressing your care for him, but also that you can't be in a relationship that puts that kind of pressure on you. Let him know the door is open if he decides to get help managing his anxiety better, but for now you need to step away to avoid more fighting.
Hopefully with some time apart he'll realize therapy could help him be able to trust and communicate without as much fear of losing you. But you can't set yourself on fire to keep him warm, you know? Take this break as an opportunity to focus on you and do your own thing for a bit. Who knows, maybe down the road things could be different if he gets help. But for now, prioritize your well-being too.
It’s not easy to admit that you need help (mentally and emotionally). I knew I had issues but I refused to go to the therapy bcs I was confident that I can work on my issue by myself. This lead me to developing unhealthy coping mechanisms, in your bf’s case he got overly dependent on you to soothe and distract him from his anxiety. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, you can’t make him go to therapy unless he himself decides to go. I know it sucks watching your loved one struggle and refusing help but this is pretty common sadly :(
All you can do is try to support him but remember not to neglect your owns needs or your mental health. You can try to talk about mental health with him so that he’ll feel more comfortable about opening up emotionally and talking about his anxiety. That way you can find a healthier coping mechanism together, but then again, it’s not your job to “fix” him, you’re his girlfriend and not his therapist.
He’s also probably at a worse state right now being sick and all, not being able to follow through with his usual routine so all these might cause him to feel a bit more down and chaotic than usual.
He already got better and rarely cough when we break up. I try to check up on him but he said why should I care, I the one who break up with him. He said he already forgive and forget but I the one who don't want to. Now he resent me for choosing to split. Tbh, I want to forgive and forget too but same argument keep happening. I feel like I been gaslight. I don't feel like he wants to gaslight me but he just forget a lot of stuff when his anxiety high. Because he forgets, he thought I the one who exaggerating stuff. When I show him proof, he just so confused. I want to be with him but I can't live like this. Just take all the blame and feel shitty about it. I don't want to hate him, not now or future. It so unfair.
I feel you, my boyfriend is the same way… they probably have way too many things going on in the heard bcs of their anxiety which caused them to forget a lot of the little things. I understand that you might feel like you’re going insane, being gaslighted and all…
I think you need to set some strong boundaries with him. If he tries to blame you or flip things around, just walk away and don’t entertain the topic. If you give in and try to defend yourself he’ll just get worse, the best thing to do is to not react. At this rate, you might end up resenting him, I think you definitely needed time apart from him. He needs to work on his issues before getting into a relationship
I see. We already break up so yea. I miss him right now tho. Feel like he kinda the one for me but I can't handle feeling gaslight anymore. I keep imagine that if he can overcome this, we can be happy together again like before. Sometimes I do wonder if I in the wrong. Maybe me asking him going to therapy is like me not accepting him fully. I don't know.
No he definitely needs to work on his issues, whether it be through therapy or something else. If you stayed with him it’ll only make things worse for the both of you so I think breaking up was the right thing to do. You can definitely still support him as a friend if that’s what the both of you wanted, just make sure to set some strong boundaries. I wish the both of you luck!!
Thank you so much. You help me a lot. All my friends say I should move on or he will never change. But I really love him and he is nice person but his anxiety make him different person. Normally, he remembers what I said, he didn't do anything that I said I didn't like, he respect me, he rational and really gentle. But when his anxiety high, he blame everything at me, called me a lot of demeaning thing, he looks down at me. It makes me really sad. I freeze and stuttering a lot when he being different person because I don't want to take a blame that I didn't do and I too emotional to defend myself. But he scream and force me to do what he says, while I just cry, don't know what to do.
I can relate, my boyfriend is somewhat similar and I can see myself in you (I’m also emotional and tend to freeze lol). Definitely try not to react to his outbursts, just walk away and let him cool down on his own. Since you guys are broken up, why not spend some time on yourself, you deserve it!
He doesn't like me to walk away to cool off. He super clingy and he feel calm and comfort around me. He said I deprived him from being with his girlfriend aka me. We already break up but he ask to reconcile today. Say he will do better and will change
I know he won’t like it, but he’s getting too dependent on you and that’s toxic. Of course you should comfort him but when he’s going all haywire you gotta bring your foot down and set some boundaries by walking away so that he’ll learn not to push you around. I know it’ll be hard for you to say no as well but trust me, it’ll help the both of you
Are considering getting back together tho?
I don't know, I don't think it's good idea. I do poll and everyone say he will never change. Even my friend say he not a good bet. Tbh, I really like him but I might be blind by love.
Honestly I agree with the others. He needs to prove himself that he’s actually taking active action to work on himself