I just want closure now, and feel I need to know the truth to get there?

[Anonymous]

After 2 years of being with my partner and planning to move in together, he decided to end our relationship. We were on the rocks and my gut kept screaming from the beginning that something wasn't right but I couldn't pin point it and brushed it off as me being insecure due to my past. He is 39 years old and doesn't have much of a social life but lives very privately. I had accepted it and started moving on with my life but then today I heard from a friend that he drove past his house on his way to work over the weekend and saw another girl getting out of his car. Now my alarm bells are going off again. For the whole of our relationship, i was made out to be the crazy insecure one and blamed a lot of his actions on myself. Now I have doubts that he was faithful, I want to find out exactly what was going on so I can get closure that the last 2 years wasn't a lie and forgive myself.

I know this sounds insane and most will say "just move on, he was a jerk" but I have a daughter and she really grew on him and visa versa so I need to just make sense of this whole thing for peace of mind.

What do I look for?

[SallyTho87]

Sometimes, you cannot make sense of things. Others will try to place the blame onto others, especially in relationships, when one party does wrong (like being unfaithful) the guilt will be bottled up to the point every little thing the other non-guilty person does will set that individual off. Little things will blow up into huge disagreements, disagreements will become immensely twisted, disrecpectful arguments that can last days.

YOU may never find the closure you're seeking. However, I think you have already found it. You understand why HE was acting the way he was, as the back of his mind was probably full of uncertainty, guilt, self-loathing, disgust at his own actions, while making the issues to be YOU. This is a common thing with narcissists especially. They believe they can never do wrong / be wrong, they will take advantage of each opportunity they get, even if it's flirting with another woman or being unfaithful, just to prove they "can" because how amazing of person they are. When that mentality wears off, they realize what they did and instead of accepting blame onto themselves, they project it onto others.

You won't get your closure. You won't get reasons why you were made to feel that way, or why you were treated the ways you were. He moved onto a new victim to mess around with, and now that you don't have to deal with him any longer, best to not even bother about keeping tabs on him. If your friend sees something going forward, tell them to ignore it or you are no longer interested in hearing updates about this person. Why let someone continue to bother you, when they blamed you for their own problems? Why give ANYONE that much power, energy, or time to even keep them in mind?

Start fresh with your daughter. Gently reinforce his presence is not there each day. If she asks about it, be honest and talk with her. My mum told me during my first breakup that "he did not love you enough to keep you, so find someone who does" Meaning, if a man can ask a woman he "loves" to exit his life, for no reason of HER own doing, that means the issue is on HIM.

HE chose to break up, HE chose to project onto you, HE doesn't want to remain in your ( or your daughters) life, meaning you two clearly aren't someone important to him. Why do you want anyone like that around your kid?
You and your daughter deserve so much better than someone like that. <3

[sheikalana]

Dear, is really not worth it. You already broke up is time to move on. He has the right to move on with his life and date whoever he wants. As you can see he's moving on with his life or at least trying to. I don't know exactly what happened throughout your relationship but knowing if he cheated or not is not going to change anything is it? You're just going to hurt yourself and I think is really not worth it for you to spend your energy on him anymore when you have a daughter that needs you.

[Oliverlogan263]

Ugh girl, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this mess after already getting your heart broken. I totally get why you need closure - it's the hardest part of moving on.

Here's what I would do:

- Give yourself a time limit to get answers, like 2 weeks. Don't get stuck in limbo.

- Message him privately and calmly say what you heard, that your friend saw another girl. Ask for the truth so you can process and move forward.

- Be prepared for denial and defensiveness. But stand your ground that you need to know.

- If he won't budge, consider whether mutual friends might give you an honest account of what they saw towards the end of your relationship.

- Look through past texts/messages very carefully for any signs he was distant or acting sneaky you may have missed before.

- Reflect on your own intuition and gut feelings during that time too. Our instincts pick up on subtle things.

Once you've done your detective work, accept that you may never get the full truth. But at least you can feel confident you did all you could to get closure for your healing. Then treat yourself to something that lifts your spirits up! You deserve better sis.

[Asker]

I contacted him and asked him straight. He said he never cheated and that this all ended because he felt like he can't give me the life he wanted and it was only dragging me down with him. The girl turned out to be his weed dealer who came past as he had been dealing with a lot of stress. I know her, she's married and very sweet. I am happy with that answer and Im fine now. :-)

[Oliverlogan263]

Aw man, that's good you got some answers I guess. But it still kinda seems sketchy to me too... Like why wouldn't he just introduce you to his weed dealer before if she was coming by the house sometimes? And stress is never really a good reason to end a good relationship either. I don't know, I'd still be a little suspicious of his story.

But if you believe him and feel like you got the closure you needed, then that's good too. As long as you're not gonna take him back or anything - you can do way better! I'm glad you're starting to feel better about moving on now at least. Just be careful he doesn't try crawling back into your life again down the road when this "stress" is over or something. You don't need that drama. You seem cool, so don't settle for any guy who doesn't treat you with respect. Keep your head up girl!

[Flatmanlewis]

Sorry you are going through that. That’s painful.


Closure is a slippery and elusive thing. Don’t expect to receive it. Just pack up and move on. The lessons you need are in you, not him.


WHY he cheated is irrelevant because cheaters will always offer a reason but the truth is - they are just cheaters. That’s how they are.


Why you didn’t see it it worth understanding but most importantly:


Repairing the damage. Your ability to trust is now impacted and you can absolutely and easily poison the next relationship you have with the insecurities and self-doubt from this one. Healing and understanding how to move on is FAR more crucial than any closure he can give you. Don’t play detective. Don’t try and collect the evidence. Just accept it is over and start to rebuild. A healthy YOU is far more important than understanding HIM.


Also, seek counseling. It will speed up the healing process tremendously.

[Finchie40]

You are best to just move on and put him behind you , since you both broke up , he is now your ex , so exempt him from your life and move on.

[ThaMaskedMarvel]

I'm not sure what you're asking. You haven't made it clear. Is it closure on him cheating or closure for if you were crazy, insecure, both or something else? Well, about the cheating, you can absolutely make a good guess that he was talking to her while with you. About you being crazy & insecure, you have to look at it from my perspective. I can’t answer that because I wasn’t around you while you were in your relationship. There’s not enough information to tell you if you really were or he was just gaslighting you. He could have been or maybe you actually were crazy, insecure & really to blame for stuff & he left you because of it.

[bobalife]

Despite what anyone says, I think just do what makes you feel like you can find closure to move on. Most of the time when a guy makes a girl feel crazy and insecure is because he’s a bad boyfriend gaslighting you in one way or another. Hope you heal and find peace ❤️

[DishLady]

I hate to now sound cliche and say "just move on, he was a jerk"... but... you need to. Just because he's close with his kid doesn't mean YOU have to allow yourself to be too vulnerable around him.

[WhitneySnow]

Could your friend be lying because he likes you? Either way, you should talk to your boyfriend. Ask him who the girl was.

[DreamLife7]

That's what you get 🤣🤣. 2 years u lived with him like a dummy. Ur never supposed to do that. He found someone better, smart and who has self respect and pretty

[Asker]

LMAO! you must love your troll life!! Comment like this remind me that your life sucks 100000x more than mine! you'll be okay

[DreamLife7]

Oh so you've posted about this man dissing you several times as an anon is what you're saying lol 😆

[Asker]

What are you even talking about. I posted about him one other time months ago and no one is dissing anyone... go troll someone else's account

[Anonymous]

The answer is, you DROVE him away. By being crazy, suspicious, nagging, projecting, etc... you doomed your relationship.

Also, your friend could have seen anyone or anything. Your crazy made this happen.

[Asker]

lol how did you get all that from my post? There was no crazy, he admitted he left because he wants to focus on building his career and it wasn't fair for him to put me and my daughter last and he feels guilty that he can't give us the life he wanted. I never nagged him or projected anything. He just wanted a different life than me and thats fine.

[jahaims]

If someone can fool around on you for years without you knowing you don't pay attention

[Asker]

It wouldn't have been for years, if he was it was in the last 2 months. We saw eachother every weekend and I had access to his camera system at home, he never left home. If anything I think it was online cheating which might have lead him to meet up after he left us. I dont have passwords to anything of his. He kept his life under lock and key from day one and his friends confirmed he is a super private person. There were no actually signs pointing to him being unfairful but there was always the strange feeling I had but couldnt pin point it. Our sex life was non existent from day one, he left his phone laying around etc so no i didn't have signs.

[Asker]

Thnk you, very sweet message. I wish I had the truth, i just want to be like "ahhh this was why" and then move on... right now its just an empty hole thats nagging at me