A friend of mine rejected her boyfriend’s (now ex) proposal because she wasn’t ready. They ended up breaking up immediately. It got me thinking, if her only reason was timing and she was open to getting engaged later down the line then why the need to break it off?
Yeah it does genuinely depend sometimes it’s a red flag if someone starts pushing for marriage too early it’s also a red flag if someone waits too long even future fakes.
I would say that maybe this relationship wasn’t meant to be but it depends. In some cases if someone’s been dating for years and keeps getting rejected when marriage comes up, yeah why waste your time. You’re probably just a filler in their life until they can find someone better. I’ve seen people play these games for a decade or more.
At the same time if someone’s trying to lock down marriage in under a year it can be concerning as well that maybe there is a ulterior motive. As to why they want to get married.
If everything’s going great though marriage is a huge decision sometimes people genuinely just need more time to figure it out. Marriage isn’t something that can just be undone if it doesn’t work out so I understand wanting to make sure and talk about it more.
Excellent point! I do think marriage should be discussed beforehand, I know proposals are supposed to be a surprised but I think there should’ve been some kind of a discussion before the guy even considers popping the question.
Asker I completely agree that before someone even considers popping the question that marriage is something that should have been talked about in detail.
Most couples do talk a LOT about marriage long before they get engaged. You have to know that this is the right person for both people.
The last thing someone wants to do is marry someone to find out they’re unhappy with one another or worse yet marry someone whose a abuser, cheater, etc.
See I think the case with my friend was that her ex just assumed that she’ll be down to get married because they’ve been together for 6 years, they never really discussed marriage. I can see why she was taken aback by the proposal and rejected him.
How soon should the topic of marriage be brought up in the relationship do you think though?
It depends on the relationship as every relationship is different. But I do see where he may be coming from. Since he was with her for six years and….. that is a long time.
I think maybe he is just looking for someone to build a future with and being with someone for six years and not wanting to get married. Maybe he figured it’s not meant to be
I would say once things get really serious marriage should be discussed. At least the future. What you’re wanting sort of the hypotheticals.
If two people decide once they have deeper talks that they’re looking for different things. Such as marriage roles, children, and other stuff like that. Then sometimes it’s better for people to break up on good terms
As for me personally and every relationship is different and what’s right for someone maybe isn’t right for someone else.
But a lot of times I think if I’m with someone six years. If I asked this person to marry me I would be sure this is the person I wanted to be with. I would be concerned if I was rejected that maybe I’m being used.
Especially if we’ve had these conversations about marriage. But then when the topic comes up it’s ehhhh it could be future faking.
Just talking marriage isn’t getting engaged though
Yeah I can understand her ex’s perspective, they have a dog and a business together, it wasn’t wrong of him to assume that she’ll be up for an engagement after 6 years.
I remember I was with my last ex for also six years, whenever the topic of marriage came up I always made it clear to him that I wasn’t ready (we were only 20 though).
It’s definitely important to discuss about the future “what ifs” with your partner.
It is and it depends on the age too I think being with someone in high school and being 20….. you’re still in a place where you don’t know what you want yet, for both people. Especially as people can change around that time.
But if someone’s 30 or even 40 their window of having kids and things like that the window is closing
But it’s also important because some people aren’t meant to be and I think maybe you knew that at the time. So it’s good people don’t just marry because of how long they been together either.
But at the same time there are people who future fake. Because they’re using someone and don’t want to commit. There does come a point where someone has to realize
It’s not meant to be or it is though.
I’ve seen people date for 10 plus years just to waste their time
They were both 30 at the time of the proposal so it made sense why the guy felt that the time was right. They also had a business together. I think my friend just only realized that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him (after 6 years…)
Yeah Asker that’s the problem too is that some people are worried about a future but also don’t want to break off the relationship….
For reasons such as having the business, worried you won’t find someone else especially as you’re getting older worried about kids, so they delay things out.
It’s wrong to do that because you’re not only hurting yourself but stringing someone else along who has no idea that you don’t really want to be with them. You’re just sort of stringing things along in case there isn’t another option
Maybe that’s the sense he got maybe he didn’t want to waste anymore time with her because deep down he knew that she probably diddnt want to marry him but kept stringing things along in case nothing else worked out.
Most the time after six years (I say most the time because every relationship is different) people should know if they want to get married. It’s future faking to me when someone keeps acting like they’re open to a future but every time the topic comes up they shut it down. Some even promise marriage but never follow through because they’re just using someone for the time being but don’t want to be committed.
It’s also just as questionable though if not worse when someone wants to lock down marriage too soon. So it’s the extremes
Yes I agree, they seem to be too comfortable for each other’s presence which is why they stayed together for so long. Having the business together made it even harder for them to let go. After the rejected proposal my friend ended up leaving the business altogether, I think it was just too awkward. I also just found out that she’s already dating someone else and that she has been interested in the other guy for a while now…
Yeah…. And I wouldn’t be shocked if there wasn’t some cheating going on unfortunately. I agree people become comfortable. Maybe she was worried what if this doesn’t work out with the dude she’s with now, and she’ll start all over again.
I think it’s more she wanted to keep him around saying she’s open to marriage later on in case she can’t find someone else. I think it’s good he left and i don’t know if I would trust her.
Being that she was interested she was technically at minimum emotionally cheating. She was just too much of a coward to break the relationship off.
I’m not saying he is perfect either. All in all they probably weren’t meant to be but like you said. They became too comfortable
Yeah, I do feel bad for her ex. I don't know the details of their relationship but based on what she let on about her relationship it seems that he’s a great guy. Seems like they got too comfortable with each other though… It was very mature of them to end things on a good term and I wish them both the best nonetheless. The thing with her new guy didn’t work out apparently but she’ll bounce back
Yes I agree but I think how she went about it was wrong in so many levels. I think that’s part of why she stayed. Because he was a good backup if nothing else.
I wish them both the best too but the chances of her doing it to the guy she’s with later on is high. I would be worried she’s a narcissist. Maybe she’s a great person who just did something bad. But I have my wonders about people who do stuff like that
I agree, I don’t agree with how she went about the whole thing. Me and a couple of our mutuals are actually distancing ourselves from her now because she’s been openly trying to get in the way of one of her ex’s relationship. Would’ve never thought that she was that kind of person
Asker some people are good at hiding their true self. Obviously she sounds like a jealous bitch who will never be happy with anything.
He is her ex so he isn’t obligated to deal with her shit he probably just realized what a bullet he dodged even more now
But it’s her choice that she cannot hold down relationship and is now loosing friends. Guess people are seeing her for who she really is now.
Yeah it’s disappointing to see tbh. She’s been trying to get her ex back even though he’s already in a relationship and she’s really open about it, posting so much about her ex online… I’m actually relieved for the other ex (that proposed) because he most definitely dodged a bullet.
See asker she found this other guy and now she isn’t happy with him so she’s doing the same thing to him…. Before things when really started.
You said her thing with the new guy didn’t work so now she’s back to a older ex again…. That's exactly why she kept her last ex around was just in case nothing else she had him.
People who do that suck they are unable to ever build a genuine connection with somebody. Most of them cheat and are never happy
Yeah apparently there was an overlap between the ex that proposed and the new guy that didn’t work out… she got exposed in a matter of a few days. The girlfriend of the older ex that she was trying to get with ended up exposing her texts. It’s all too much drama and I’m gonna stay clear of it lol
Yeah asker it seems her bad choices are coming out lol. She’s done this to her self and has gotten too brazen it’s only a wonder what else she’s done.
Most people who are like this are very careful at first but get more reckless as time goes on. Because they just think they’ll keep getting away with it
People who are like this suck and now she’s gonna be crying that she lost the last guy…. Not because she genuinely loved him but because she’s a narcissist.
She had a relationship with someone she could show off. She had someone she could marry if nothing else worked out someone who is a provider and would give her all the benefits of a committed relationship while she’s at best emotionally cheating I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s cheated many times
And she probably uses many people including friends. To me someone who can betray someone they claim to love someone like a long term partner. I can only imagine what they will do to me
My parents have been married for nearly 50 years. When my mom was first asked, she said no because she knew marrying my dad meant that she would most likely need to move to his home country and she wasn't ready to leave behind everyone and everything she knew including her native language to go somewhere she'd never been before potentially for the rest of her life. My dad understood that, and it took a bit, but he asked again when she said she was ready for that type of commitmentment which was a huge deal, and everything else is history. I get both points of view---like you don't want to be the guy that's forever waiting for something that may come, but as the woman, you should NEVER say yes just to say yes. You've got to know you are ready or else it could eventually lead to the same path, more heartbreak and break ups. Better your friend know now that that's all it took, rather than something else big come up and its this when they're married.
Now that was a very logical and reasonable excuse for your mom to postpone the engagement. It’s also sweet how your dad was very understanding and waited it out for her.
With my friend’s case though, she sadly only realized that she didn’t want him when he proposed, even after 6 years together. She told me that they never really discussed marriage so she was just basically cruising along in the relationship and the proposal came as a surprise to her
If they been together a year and she rejected it yeah, they should because if you don't know you are just wasting time. You can always stay engaged longer since you don't have to get married right away. So to full on say no, I wouldn't waste my time and they would be dumped lol.
They’ve actually been together for 6 years, I think she just realized that he wasn’t the person she wanted to marry… 6 years down the drain
Yeah times wasters are the worst.. I feel bad for that guy..
Honestly so do I…
Maybe he proposed to fast and barely got to know her , so she was turned off by the fact that he was rushing to get married to her without really getting to know her , and she realized he was trying to rush things way to fast , so she broke up with him because she thought he was a weirdo for rushing things , which sadly can raise a Red Flag as to why someone would want to marry so fast? Especially if she is young and not even thinking about marriage whatsoever. Some guys’ are just desperate and thinks if he marries her , she will become all his and have her all to himself. Kind of the same thing for a guy to hurry up and knock up a girl , he assumes since she is having his baby , he now has her all to himself. Some People are fucking stupid and lack common sense when it comes to shit like this.
They’ve been together for 6 years though so I can sympathize with the guy because they’re in their 30s and have been together for so long plus they have a business together. It’s only fair to assume that they’ll get married. I think their downfall was that they never seriously discussed marriage and it took the rejected proposal for my friend to realize that she didn’t want to marry him even after 6 yearz together
I agree, I think it was the best for everyone
Opinion
21Opinion
u She could have accepted the proposal with the caveat that she is not prepared to set a date for a wedding. However, "I'm not ready yet" is usually an excuse when someone does not want to state the real reason. Did he initiate the breakup? Was she extremely distraught about the breakup, or did she seem to be more relieved?
Yes this! If I were in her shoes this is definitely the route that I would go for. The breakup seemed mutual, my friend didn’t tell me much but she did mention that she realized she doesn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him. She does seemed relieved and she’s actually already dating someone else
It depends...
I know several married couples where she originally turned down his proposal. My father told me, any times, that "I chased your mother until she caught me."
If you watch the Big Bang Theory TV show, you'll know that Penny turned down Leonard's proposals several times before they got married.
If it's just bad timing, don't break up. If the proposal is rejected for a more important reason. like cheating, go ahead and break up.
True, if it’s just a matter of timing then a break up shouldn’t be necessary. I think in my friend’s case though, she only realized that she didn’t want to marry the guy after he proposed sadly
Proposals shouldn't come out of nowhere. I don't have context, but if they have been talking about wanting to getting married and she rejected his proposal, he should absolutely break up. Reason? Because that indecisiveness is wasting both of their time, especially if they agreed beforehand that they were on the same page about when they wanted to get married. If however he proposed to her out of nowhere without the conversation, then he should reconsider and stay with her because it's unfair to not let someone know where you stand before proposing to them.
I fully agree. I don't know the details because she didn’t tell me but from the way see told me it’s likely because she only just realized (after 6 years together) that he wasn’t the person she wanted to marry. She said they never really talked about marriage before the proposal happened so she was taken aback by it
Yes, If I'm proposing it means making a life with that person. If they reject it, that gives me the feeling that I'm not a priority in their life like they are in mine. Things to follow that would be important to me would be sharing property, having a family, and growing old together.
Besides ideology, marriage is a huge financial risk and expense. To put myself out there and get shot down, life is short, and there are around 4 billion other women on the planet. They can find someone else they want to marry, and I can do the same.
I agree with you, but it’s also important to seriously talk about marriage with you partner before popping the question
That’s awesome, communication is definitely important. The proposal as a whole should not be surprised, but rather “when” is it gonna happen that should be the surprise lol
Yes, they need to end it immediately... here is why...
Just because you are engaged, doesn't mean you have to get married immediately. I was engaged 5 years. We were young, there were a lot of misc reasons, but we both knew we wanted to get married.
If she was sure she wanted to marry him, but she just wasn't ready now, she could have said yes and just told him the marriage will wait until she is ready. You aren't legally bound to get married. If she said no, that shows she could never see herself getting married to the guy. It is best to end it. Also, I am not sure how you just go back to dating if you are that far apart. Usually, both of you are pretty sure she is going to say yes before a guy proposes. Obviously, he really didn't read the signals, and they obviously did not talk things through at all.
This is very true and rational! Seems like there’s a lot of miscommunication going on within the relationship so it’s best to go their separate ways.
I agree that there’s no “deadline” to a wedding once you’re engaged but at the same time I don’t really see why an engagement period should last more than 1-2 years. A wedding isn’t necessary, couples can just walk down to the courthouse and get married on the same day probably lol so why wait for years to make it official
Well if you see a future for this relationship and you propose then you feel as though they don’t feel the way you do…. Which can lead to splitting up naturally.
Breaking up after a broken off proposal is not necessary though depending on the situation, it might be what needs to be done for both sake.
True, rejection stings so I can see why some couples decide to just break it off.
It isn’t really about the sting, it is more in lines with the future. One wants a relationship that blossoms and grows into proposal, wedding, honeymoon, owning a house, possibly raising a family, etc. If the person calls it off then they discuss not seeing eye to eye on what their futures would look like whether together or apart… It is broken off for the best of both though still stings.
That’s true. Which is why it’s really important to discuss marriage wayyy before planning out a proposal.
I've always wondered why people broke up. It never made sense to me. Like…just wait? Especially if its the woman that rejects it. she's the one with the biological clock and if she's fine with waiting, wait.
Also, should both parties be involved in the process of betting married? It shouldn't be a complete surprise. So maybe thats why people break up? I don't know
Same here! If the proposal was rejected simply because the woman wasn’t ready just yet but still wanting marriage with her man later down the line then I don’t see any reason why the couple should break up
I think it depends. If someone is currently in bad circumstances, the timing can be important. Also if it's simply too early and you're able to clearly talk about that then I think it's acceptable.
Other than that I can't see too many coming back from how that no must feel
Yeah I understand, rejection stings and things could get really awkward
It sounds like she didn't explain it well and if she didn't, it is understandable that they broke up. If you're going to reject someone's proposal, you need to explain exactly why so they don't misunderstand your motivation. That way they will feel comfortable in continuing the relationship hopefully.
I agree, seems like there was a major case of miscommunication. They mutually agreed to break it off though, my friend did tell me that she realized that she didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him after he proposed…
Depends. If you have not talked with your partner and then propose, and the other party says no, its a matter och discussion with your partner. But if you have discussed a proposal and still say no when it happens, you should end things.
I fully agree with your take on this!
why bother being with someone if you don't want to marry them eventually? you can also be engaged until you are ready for marriage, for years and years and years.
so yes you should break up after a rejected proposal.
You’re right, just because you’re engaged doesn’t mean that you have to get married immediately.
It depends, since everyone's needs and wants are different in a relationship. So, their explanation, how they're rejected, and where it happens matters.
I agree, it’s definitely a situational thing.
Maybe. If it is an emphatic "Never" then move on. If it is more of a "I'm not yet ready." then maybe perhaps give it more time.
So true. In this case a “no” can mean “not now” or “not ever”.
If her intentions were to get married later, she should have communicated that to him.
I agree, plus they could’ve had a long term engagement
I didn't. 3 years later I married her. I asked, "Is it no forever or no for now?"
Yes, communication is key! It could be “not now” or “no”
It depends if they discuss about it , understand each other and Takes a good decision other wise break - up is what all you need
Yep I agree. There should’ve been some kind of a discussion beforehand. I know proposals are supposed to be a surprise, but the surprise should only be “when exactly is he going to propose?” rather than “I wonder if he’s ever going to propose?”
He was ready, she wasn't. Mismatched timelines. He needed to make a value judgement. He apparently did not want to wait indefinitely and presumably felt he could find someone more aligned to his ideals. He probably can.
Timing’s a bitch sometimes… I do think they probably have different visions of where they want the relationship to go
Yeah men are reluctant to settle down so when a guy proposes to a girl he is putting everything into it. If she rejects him than usually there can be no further relationship.
They’ve been together for 6 years so I think it’s fair for the man to want to take things to the next level, sadly she wasn’t on the same page…
Why date for a long time and not get married sooner?
Great question. My boyfriend and I have also talked about marriage but we’re holding it off because we need more time. But now that you mention it, if we know we’re gonna marry each other anyway then I don't know why we keep on postponing it lol
If they have been together for years and he proposed and got rejected then absolutely dumping her is justified. Like what is the point of being together?
That makes sense. They’ve been together for 6 years and he got rejected so it’s only fair that he walked away in order to not waste any more time (because my friend/the woman was still unsure about marriage)
Hell for giggles as a slightly immature man at 30, I voted yes 🙃📬
No right or wrong answer here 😌
Yes. There's no way I'd stay with a woman after this. I think it's pretty pathetic that anyone would.
That’s valid
No way. She's running the relationship and will lose respect for him if he stays.
@77five Normally someone would explain that they wanted more information XD
Ok so pretty simple. Women want a leader, someone who's more competent and ambitious than they are. They want a man who is intimate and vulnerable with them only. They will reward this behavior in a man they love and respect. When a man gets down on one knee he is trying to lead the relationship to something more. He's the most vulnerable a man can be. Bearing his heart on his sleeve and professing that he wants to be with only her for the rest of his life. She said no. This means that she either doesn't love him the way he loves her, wants to do things on her own time indicating she's leading the relationship, or doesn't respect his vulnerability. Whatever it is the relationship won't last. When a man loves a woman more than vice-versa the relationship can't work out as women have significantly more options than the man does. She will eventually exercise them when a better prospect comes along.
@77five www.psychologytoday.com/.../what-women-want-in-a-man
I don't care. Look into it yourself and you'll find it's true. I had to talk to google ai for about ten minutes, but finally got a stat from them, "American Psychological Association found that 43% of women prefer an equal partnership where both partners share leadership roles." This is a roundabout way of stating that 57% of women want their men to be leaders and that's despite socially desirable responding.
I personally think it only works that way if the man were to stay even after the woman cheated. But tbh if I were the guy in this situation, I would still probably leave after the rejection (only if marriage has been discussed and the woman made it seem that we were on the same page before the proposal)
Always! Even if he or she said i need time.
I can imagine how awkward it might get if you were to stay together after a rejected proposal…
Some people have no vision.
True, some people just aren’t thinking about the long term
Totally depends.
On what factors would you say?
Are they living together
Did they discuss it?
Is one infertile?
I think the downfall for my friend’s relationship was that they never really talked about marriage so the proposal came in as a shock to her
Well there you have it!!
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