Why would you say no to a marriage proposal after dating for a year?

[BarryLiverstone]

Your SO pops the question on your one year anniversary. Why would you tell them no?

Updates

9 mo

Thank you everyone for answering so far. I chose a year as my friend had this happen but let’s say 5 years or 10.. the question wasn’t about how long the couple is dating. I was curious why would you say no?

[BlackBeauty90]

90% of marriages that start after one year of dating FAIL. That is FAR too soon to get married for most people. Literally unless living together within the first month, and THAT would be cause for concern in another way (desperation, no sense of proper behavior, etc.), you barely know your SO in a year.

Almost ALL marriages where the spouse complains well Johnny wasn't abusive when we met and Sally wasn't a slob when we met are due to being rushed. They met, get married and fuck themselves over because that abusive or slobbish nature was ALWAYS part if their boyfriend or girlfriend they just DID NOT know the person long enough to realize that marriage would BE A MISTAKE.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ok, how long should they date?

[BlackBeauty90]

@BarryLiverstone Till they're comfortable and know each other. I mean elsewhere here you said you'd give an abusive person 3 chances... what for? Abusive people almost never change their behavior and they don't care they're hurting others

[BarryLiverstone]

You said a year wasn’t long enough. So please let me know if 2 or 5 are long enough.

Three strikes and you are out was my moms rule on relationship with someone. It means if they make one mistake and apologize I can forgive and see what happens. If they mess up again that could be it but if they made a dif mistake then they get a last warning. Then when they abuse they are out.

Also abuse is an umbrella for all abuse- mental, physical, emotional, verbal.. certainly if it’s bad enough the first time I may not give another chance

[BlackBeauty90]

@BarryLiverstone anyone with self respect never gives an abusive person another chance. You imply if not too bad well abuse is OK... that's an attitude a lot of people have when they get involved with abusers and a few years later - sometimes its within a few months - they're in & out of the hospital with all sorts of injuries or buried 6 feet under.

As for time you can't time such a time I just said when comfortable and know the other person well

[BarryLiverstone]

If I start dating someone and she yells at me. That could be considered abuse. Now maybe she yelled at me for a justified reason and later after we settle join she explains how she was feeling. Should I not give her a 2nd chance?

[BarryLiverstone]

Settle down *

[BlackBeauty90]

@BarryLiverstone - kindly invest in a dictionary. Yelling at someone isn't considered abuse otherwise coachs around the world in EVERY sport imaginable is an abusive asshole. Yelling at someone, calling them names, etc. IS abusive.

[BigWhiteWolf87]

1 year is not anywhere near enough to know the other person. Unless you immediately click with someone and your lives merge well together 1 year is a silly idea.

At a minimum it should be 2 years, with at least 6-12 months living together. This why you have a decent understanding of your SO's behaviour, habits, personality, etc.

.

Statistically at 1 year the average couple has just begun to think about moving in together so, really, you're still more stranger than you are someone a person is thinking long-term partner.

[BarryLiverstone]

Thanks, was hoping my update would help. Let’s say it’s been 4 years together, why then say no?

[BigWhiteWolf87]

4 years.

Hmm I'd say the couple isn't committed, likely haven't even lived together, and maintain a more causal almost friends with benefits relationship than actual legit boy/girlfriend.

Take my uncle for example.
He's the ONLY person who has never traditionally married in the family. He has had common in law marriage... but his latest woman (after his last common in law wife died) they've been together for 5 years and don't live together. They're friends with benefits, not boy/girlfriend

[ShadezMcgee]

I would probably turn them down because it feels pretty soon for just one year of knowing each other. There are other things to look at. Have you tried living together for a year or two? Are you both on the same page for future life goals? Have you gone to marriage counseling or classes to learn how to communicate and tackle big potential problems that can come up in the marriage? That is what would stop me from saying yes. I am not turning them down, buy those are big things we need to consider.

[Lionman95]

I could imagine saying no because one year of dating isn´t enough for me to know if I want to marry them. Especially if it´s a LDR or a relationship where both work in different shifts and there is not much time together one year of dating doesn´t seem much.

[OlderAndWiser]

Is this what happened to you?

[BarryLiverstone]

Nope. I’ve only asked one person. So this didn’t happen to me.

How about you?

[OlderAndWiser]

I proposed on March 10, after dating for 2+ years, and she said yes. Wedding will be April 27, 2024.

Did this couple have any earlier discussions about marriage or did he propose "out of the blue?"

[BarryLiverstone]

Congrats.

My friend said they had both talked about goals so the idea of marriage wasn’t a shock.

[OlderAndWiser]

Thanks.

Did he need to be in a rush, like he heard her biological clock ticking?

[BarryLiverstone]

He wanted to marry her. She’s the one he wants for life.

[HM313]

It looks like your relationship was not for marriage from the beginning. It might have been just for love or flirting, which is not the same as having marriage in mind. Marriage is a prerequisite for love, and not vice versa. I suggest you leave each other alone for a while and then propose for marriage if you are interested in her.

N. B. this is in the case she has refused your proposal.

[BarryLiverstone]

If you had dated for 5 years and your SO pops the question. Why would you say no?

[HM313]

Maybe she doesn't want to get married, or she might want you to become more stable financially or for some other reason. It's better to ask her. You can also ask her what does she wants from you for her to agree on marrying you.

[safricanluke]

A year is not nearly enough time to have known someone will enough to marry them. If we'd been living together for a year then maybe, but just dating for a year, definitely no. It would also depend on how old I was at the time, I definitely wasn't ready to settle down in my early 20's, and only started to think about it in my late 20's

[BarryLiverstone]

Did you see the update to my initial question?

[safricanluke]

No, I did not. But I'll answer that here.

5 years is long enough, so if I were to say no it might still be that I'm not personally ready or at a stable enough point in my life. Or, in the case of my previous relationship, the relationship isn't working and I was either too afraid of being alone or to afraid of hurting her that I kept the relationship going for too long.

After 10 years and saying no, would definitely mean that I don't want to get married at all, or that I've completely messed up my life and am in a relationship for all the wrong reasons

[stepyo99]

One year is a little fast, but if we really hit it off and were spending a lot of time together, I wouldn't say no.

I really don't understand these people who date for 4+ years and still aren't even engaged. If you don't know if your boyfriend/girlfriend is the one after 3 years max, it's time to move on.

[slatyb]

Marriage is just a legal contract, and not all couples wish to be married. There are advantages and disadvantages, and tax consequences which may be positive or negative.

[stepyo99]

@slatyb Fair enough. I was talking about people who do plan on getting married, but wait for many years before going though with it though to see if it's right as opposed to those who don't want to get married.

[BunBun369]

Personally that's not even long enough time to really get to know someone. You don't even get real until the 2nd or 3rd year. I mean the first year y'all just being cute figuring each other out.

[BarryLiverstone]

It’s tough to think about the math. If it takes 3 years to get to know someone, you can propose year 4 and get married year 5… that’s like you only get to have maybe 4 chances to find love in 20 years

[BunBun369]

That's just my personal opinion. Realistically in a couple of months living together you should have a gut feeling if you want to even be with them lol not even that long it really just depends i guess on the couple together and as individuals. A lot of people get married at a young age and end up getting divorced because they don't even really know who they are let alone a whole other person.

[petitedollbabee]

Yeah, for starters 1 year is barely any time when it comes to a serious relationship, but personally I would say no even after 5 years as I don’t want to be married.

[BarryLiverstone]

I would hope that after a year you have a good sense. Plus your engagement could be for more than a year

[petitedollbabee]

That’s true, personally I don’t feel like I know someone really well until around 2-3 years. People can be good at hiding their true self for a while. Also, most couples don’t live together within a year of dating, and hypothetically if I were to get married someday, I would definitely want to live with my partner for a while before getting engaged. You don’t know if you’re truly compatible until you live together and see what they’re like 24/7. In my experience anyway.

[BarryLiverstone]

We somewhat agree. Although I would like to live together when engaged. Feel like if she says yes to marriage but then we are not compatible in the same house then it’s reasonable to cancel the wedding

[Andres77]

I think the biggest contributor to a lasting marriage is premarital counseling. It forces couples to come to grips with concepts and ideas and beliefs and perspectives and their past, and make sure that they are aligned with their potential partner. Many people are either ignorant, or they are afraid to broach such subjects and lie to themselves, saying “love is enough“. Successful, premarital counseling I believe is the best indicator to a lasting marriage.

[Andres77]

Question: what is the purpose of having a very long relationship or engagement before one decide to get married?
Answer: they are trying to find their compatibility.
Premarital counseling is a concentrated form of forcing you to face the facts of who you really are include a background check and include a good relationship with your potential future family members and asking a lot of questions and you’re going to find a lot more answers than you ever would have by just sharing an apartment for four years

[ChiTown33]

I don't feel I know her well enough yet, she still gives me trust issues. I'm only marrying once. So if I say "I do" you can be damn sure i mean forever. And I'm not going to do that unless I'm CERTAIN she means forever to. Because, as I said I WILL only do this ONCE.

[Little_Bumblebee]

One year is way too early for an engagement in my eyes.
If we had lived together for a year. That's a different story.

[BarryLiverstone]

Let’s say 5 years. Then why would you say no to a proposal?

[Little_Bumblebee]

Depending on my age, i might not be ready for marriage overall.

Maybe I just don't want to be married in general.

Maybe there's issues in the relationship or I just found out about something about my partner that made me hesitate.

Could be anything

[DizzyDesii]

A year is pretty soon. I’d have to be deeply in love

[BarryLiverstone]

Did you see my update to the question?

[DizzyDesii]

I wouldn't still be with a guy who didn't propose within 3 years or less. 5+ years waiting for a proposal is only acceptable if we started dating in like high school or something

[BarryLiverstone]

I did a bad job at asking this question. The intent wasn’t ever to ask a time frame question because people can think that one year is too short or think 3 years is too long. Hence most of the answers seemed to focus on the time frame.

Rather the intent of the question was to ask for why you would say no to a proposal. I don’t know that many people say no but if they do, why?

[DizzyDesii]

I think those who say no aren't on the same level of love/commitment yet. And yea thats an issue because it makes the other person feel like they wasted time.

[BarryLiverstone]

That makes sense

[als24]

If I was to say no, it would most likely be because 1 year isn't enough time to decide if I want to commit to this person for the rest of my life.

[BarryLiverstone]

Did you see the question update? Let’s say you had dated for 5 years. Then why say no?

[als24]

At that point, it would have to be a recent event that's so catastrophic that I felt I couldn't continue.

[Yannishka]

I don't think that's long enough to truly know a person. Add a few more years.

[BarryLiverstone]

Did you see my update to the question?

[Yannishka]

No, I just answered straight away!

[sheikalana]

I would say No only if I wasn't sure he was the right guy for me.

[BarryLiverstone]

After a year would you know that?

[sheikalana]

I think it depends on the age and maturity of the person. When I was in my 20s I never felt that I would marry the guys I dated and would probably say no to them if they had proposed. In your 30s is different it actually took us less than a year to realize we wanted to marry each other. If you and your partner are mature and stable in life you should be able to realize if you want to share a life with them within one to two years.

[BarryLiverstone]

Makes sense. But someone just said that 90% of marriages fail after only knowing each other a year. Is she right?

[sheikalana]

I don't know. I can only speak from my experience. There are other things you would have to take in consideration like are you spending a considerate amount of time together to know each other, have you shared a house together, were you able to face challenges solve issues and come up with solutions together to solve it, have you been on vacations together etc etc etc. A lot of people never spent weekends together or vacations and when they move in together is a struggle sharing a house with someone can de challenging and contribute to disaster.

[BarryLiverstone]

I agree that living together can be hard. But isn’t it better to do that during the engagement? You can still change your mind and not get married if you have challenges that are too severe. But also both people know they are about to get married so it’s different from living together and just dating

[sheikalana]

I prefer moving in together before getting engaged. I feel like when you engage someone means you're already 100% sure you're gonna marry them if you change your mind after being engaged it's a lot to put up with and can be traumatic for the both of you.

[Akam93]

Unless we really vibed and connected i would say yes.

[BarryLiverstone]

Can you think of a reason to say no?

[Akam93]

Well if they didn't have their shit together as in no job, abusive, drank to much, then yeah I would say no.

[BarryLiverstone]

Ya abusive is valid. If someone is being abused I would hope they don’t last a year in a relationship

[Akam93]

How long would you wait?

[BarryLiverstone]

If they were being abusive I’d think to give them 3 chances at the most

[Akam93]

No I mean how long would you wait until you get married?

[BarryLiverstone]

Tbh I’m old school. So I see certain stages in a relationship. Think that I would want us to have been in a committed relationship, have gone on trips, seen her at her worst and best, met her family , been through all the holidays. I see dating as a rehearsal for marriage and don’t wanna rush into it

[exitseven]

Some people are just not ready to settle down. Sometimes you can be in a relationship with somebody and you are both at different places in your respective lives.

[Spongebobssocks]

I wouldn't say no. Cause if im with someone it is to marry them..

[Kelly6]

Absolutly true.
Otherwise why are they even together !

[Spongebobssocks]

@Kelly6 👍🏻

[DermalPunch]

Well, for me it's because I don't want to marry them but I know who I want to marry within minutes.

[spartan55]

Not, there could be many different reasons. One thing is certain, there is no going back.

[james_d0007]

1 year is good enough to know a person and then move on to the next stage provided they had a talk about it. If not then you need to have it once so that you can see where you both stand that's what I believe

[Sabretooth]

If you ain't sure by then then you ain't really invested.

[BarryLiverstone]

I somewhat agree. Should at least know how you feel about them after a year of a committed relationship.

[Sabretooth]

what are you doing, otherwise?