Does getting pregnant with a man's child change a woman’s feelings towards him?

[Anonymous]

Long story short, we didn’t have the best relationship and had mutually agreed to breakup, I then found out I was pregnant and unfortunately miscarried at 8 weeks, I’m still trying to process everything and my feelings towards the situation but I can’t stop thinking about how my feelings grew stronger for him after the pregnancy and loss.

it makes me feel crazy, I can’t imagine how he feels about all of it and he won’t tell me how he’s feeling anyway

Updates

1 mo

No this pregnancy was not planned either, we both were at fault and responsible for what happened, and accepted the situation and moved past it.
Yes, we both discussed early on we both want kids (eventually) it just happened really quickly into the relationship and caught both of us off guard, especially after we both agreed to no longer see each other.

[fartingspinster]

If you loved him but couldnt stay because of substance abuse - you still obviously really cared for him and your feelings for him didn't die off. But im glad chose yourself In thag instance, you can't really help him until he helps himself.

I do believe being pregnant with a man's child may not necessarily completely change her feelings towards him, but if there was ever love existing- it can reignite the flame. And I believe the hormonal changes during pregnancy and just the survival instinct of wanting security and comfort in a man creates complex feelings also. If you think about it - evolutionary wise, a pregnant female is extremely vulnerable (especially around third trimester when she is slower and can't maneuver as much).
So, pregnant instincts to create a bond with a man (especially the father of the baby) is quite strong. I do believe thats why many females try to make things work with the facter even if he isn't the best partner before the pregnancy started, or they even stay while he isn't the best for her during the pregnancy.
Dont forget too... some pregnant females become extremely horny, so maybe that could be a reason too?

All of that aside - you guys started the relationship knowing that you both wanted kids eventually. So this pregnancy, even though it wasn't the right time - made you both imagine/fantasize about it. Which binds you together.

Then the trauma of losing the baby - thats a trauma bond that you guys will always be linked together by.
Your hormones are all over the place right now. First pregnancy hormones, and then the hormones tapering off drastically during the miscarriage and its not like you have breastfeeding or cuddle time to help counteract the hormonal changes (as oxytocin often does post-partum).
So the only oxytocin kick you can get is seeking intimacy from a partner and he's the most recent and has also gone through one of the hardest life moments with you.

If you dont want to open that door because of the substance abuse, id surround yourself with things that help boost the oxytocin in your body.
Things like hugs and cuddles from a beloved pet or human, weighted blanket, warm baths (make sure you get clearance from your doctor), getting a massage
Google ways to increase oxytocin naturally, and things (even food) will pop up!

But dont be hard on yourself for the feelings, I hope this explanation helps you understand what your body is going through and why its doing what's its doing. Your body needs you right now, put all that nurturing and motherly care to you right now. You need it ❤️

[throwmeaway1111]

I'm sorry this happened to you. I got pregnant with my ex and miscarried as well. We were still together during this but the aftermath when I was grieving is where my feelings started to change due to how he treated me afterwards. He made it seem like it wasn't a big deal and like I was upset over nothing.

For your situation, it sounds to me like you're grieving the potential of what could've been. If your relationship wasn't the best then its unlikely that a baby would've fixed things. You need to take the time to grieve your loss and heal from that and breakup. When you get pregnant with someones child, that is a big deal and you're forming an even stronger bond with them so I think its normal to still feel that connection even when you may not be in contact with them anymore.

[Summeroflove]

I don’t think it’s weird but I feel like you should just allow yourself to grieve. Eventually you’ll move on form him I can say that if you’re really wanting to you can reach back out and see if he wants to try again. If he agrees to doing that assuming he doesn’t have a new partner take things slow starting over is not picking up where you left off common mistake. If things again just aren’t working out break it off before it gets too bad.

I don’t know if that’s the best idea but if you don’t feel it’s a good idea deep down then like I said the sadness, the anger, and everything else just allow yourself to process it even if it’s painful. Eventually you’ll find someone else but stuffing it down can make it worse.

But I think it’s completely normal carrying someone’s baby and then traumatically loosing a child is super hard. I can fully understand why you may feel a deeper connection to someone when you’re literally carrying around a life that he created as well as emotions being attached to him I’m sure it’s hard for him too.

I am very sorry for your loss I can only imagine how hard miscarrying could be. I also can see you have taken fully responsibility and accountability for everything which says a lot about your character. None of us are perfect by any means but some people choose to never see it only doubling down in their ways and getting worse.

[Asker]

This is a very empathetic and genuine response and I truly can’t thank you enough for this…

My emotions have been all over the last few weeks and I have done nothing but blame myself since it happened, i continue to remind myself it just wasn’t the right time or the right person.

We ended up seeing eachother a week after I lost the baby and it was like nothing bad had happened between us and we still cared for each other very deeply, which made things even more confusing for the both of us.

Either way, what’s done is done and I want to thank you for your kind words, because I truly needed to hear them.

I don’t know if he will ever give this another try, I have tried to talk to him and express how I feel but I don’t think he cares anymore.

Anyway, thank you for caring.

[Summeroflove]

You’re welcome and while you are a responsible person not everything is your fault. Many people go to one extreme or the other of either blaming themselves for everything including thinfd out of their control as well as taking zero accountability and blaming everyone else.

It’s normal for your emotions to be out of control when you have been through trauma including a toxic relationship — much more loosing a baby. I’m sure it’s tough and you are allowed to feel how you feel.

You’re not a cold hearted narcissist. Some people are some people just don’t feel anything so it tells me you’re a genuine empathic person

[Summeroflove]

Being confused is normal too especially when people have mixed feelings. It comes down to communication and expressing the confusion to one another until there is some sort of clarity.

I’m not saying you’re both meant to be but some people not only screw with themselves but with someone else. Not because they’re playing games (some people do that too) but just because they have mixed emotions and don’t really know themselves how they feel.

[Summeroflove]

But who knows maybe you were both going through a rough patch. If there was substance abuse issues I would be more cautious. But so long as there was no physical abuse or something crazy.

I would just take it slow and have conversations with one another. I would assume creating a baby would definitely create some sort of emotions in one another. I mean you literally carried a piece of him. Plus the trauma bond of loosing a baby.

Even if that baby wasn’t born. I’m sure you loved him/her. Imagined the future your child may have had as well for your child to die inside of you. That’s a pain I could never imagine.

[Asker]

Yes, there was substance abuse issues, and the unfortunate part is they have gotten worse since everything happened which only breaks my heart more.

I am not judging him, we all process things in our own way, and maybe this is his way of processing them.

It hurts me because he wants nothing to do with me, barely speaks to me and is very dry and emotionless when I have reached out.

All I can do is give him space and if he decides to return we can cross that bridge if we come to it, as much as it hurts. I think it hurt me too because you are right, I literally carried a piece of him. And knowing we did and do both want kids (even though the timing was off for us both), still makes you wonder “what if”
And if I could be a fly on the wall in his brain. If he’s relived, Sad, indifferent…I may never know that

[Summeroflove]

If that’s the case I think you’re gonna have to just allow yourself to grieve through it. You’re empathetic maybe some people can be cold and just act like nothing happened. But you have a good heart.

I don’t know how he feels maybe he feels bad so therefore he’s avoiding it or maybe he’s a dark personality. But I think you need to allow healing to take place.

[Asker]

This is how it happened, I was getting over someone and kinda used him as a crutch and as time went on and we spent more time together I realized I did have feelings for him, and it was one traumatic thing after another and here we are…
I have thought or myself “maybe there is a reason we keep coming back to eachother, it’s like life keeps drawing as back in right as we try to break away”
Or I’m just delusional lol, I’ll let you know when i figure that part out 😂

[Summeroflove]

But you’re right asker it hurts and you have every right to feel hurt. But just leave him to his own devices you can’t really make him do anything. What’s done is done and he really doesn’t owe you anything. At least he was mature enough to break the relationship off.

I understand it can be hard when you met up after the miscarriage and it was great. Just for him to be cold and indifferent. Mixed signals can be hard. Maybe he was feeling a lot of greif too as well as regrets but has a hard time facing them.

Some people are confusing because they are confused. They have mixed feelings and are on a emotional roller coaster. Or maybe he is a narcissist I can’t read his mind. Especially if he’s on substances that change the way your brain works.

I think it’s best to focus on yourself and just accept that he’s gone. That you do have closure to it being over. And that he doesn’t owe you anything. Maybe it would be nice to get a exclamation or something. But maybe it’s also for the best

[Summeroflove]

Maybe that’s the lesson too is not to sort of use people and be honest. That doesn’t justify the things he did either. But as much of a lesson as he may have been to you.

Maybe you were more sent to him…. To be supportive. To care and show him the way out. But maybe it’s his choice yo take it or not. Maybe in life when he’s making poor choices or picking people he shouldn’t. Maybe you’re his lesson. Maybe he will think back to you. Who knows.

[Summeroflove]

You’re not delusional at all for thinking that. It’s normal I’m not God so I can’t tell you why it’s happening. Maybe it’s a lesson. Maybe you’re meant to be but not right now. Maybe you just have a attachment and tie to him from being with him. Maybe it’s even confirmation bias. I don’t know.

But at the end of the day the best this is to pray and focus on healing as well as grieving. You are a good person with a good heart. Your someone who can recognize when you do wrong but you also shouldn’t blame yourself for what you can’t control

[Asker]

I just want to thank you, again and I hope you know and recognize you are also a good person with a good heart and empathy…

There are also not many like you who are empathetic and understanding and honest.

May god bless you and good things come your way, I will keep you in my prayers, too

[Summeroflove]

Aww thanks asker I definitely think prayer will help too. Both repenting prayers as well as ones to help you heal. Get closure. And find who is right. But also pray to be at peace if God has you wait.

[Summeroflove]

I really appreciate that

[Summeroflove]

It can happen too when someone goes on the rebound to either get over someone and for some people make someone jealous.

But sometimes people get more emotionally attached then expected and things move too fast. Then they’re in a bigger mess then the one before.

So do take time to heal I’m not saying you can’t date by any means. But just know where you’re at. And see the red flags to make sure you don’t get into a similar or worse situation. But you seem to have matured a lot

[D_Bone_Steak]

I like this question and I've always sort of wondered if it does. I'm far from being a woman and really have no idea. But I've watched it myself IRL and I watched it go in all sorts of directions. I've seen the pregnancy turn the woman against him and do everything to destroy him, while keeping the baby just to fuck him up more. But I've also seen stories like yours where it made you grow closer to the man. I don't know the science behind any of it but it does something. I only know for sure it does make the woman's mind start to react to the situation in one way or the other.

[molonski2]

I can tell you 100% that from a female perspective it makes an absolutely massive difference ( no matter what some may say ) , now loosing the child adds another dimension to your loss , but you carried that child for two months , it was his , that changes everything.

I've had this situation myself , and no matter what happens , that bond is lifelong , the female has been impregnated , you are only human , it changes everything.

[IslaTheWitch]

I'm sorry for your loss...

your feelings grow stronger but not toward him... just in general... when you rest, the hormones calm down, when you process your loss and finish the healing process... it's the moment you can think about making any decisions...

for now rest and take care of your mental well being

[sawno]

Yes it does, suddenly its serious now and you either feel stronger since your now bound by blood or your afraid because you know he's secretly a terrible dad and it was meant to be temporary fun. In your specific case 100% normal, it was an intense experience, the intimate joy of having a child together and then being able to rely on him when things went wrong. It showed you that your really a team.

[Nikki1989]

It is possible that the shared trauma of the miscarriage has created a trauma bond. This is a very complex emotional bond, that is often formed in unhealthy relationships. I hope that makes some sense.

[FreyaRed]

I don't thinks so, but I'm not a man and I was never pregnant

[Jazevil]

I all depends. I really believe a baby makes a person willing to make it work , and fall more in. I really fell for my BD after i found out i was pregnant. I was one the most happiest moments in my life. That didn't last long (long story}... But my opinion is yes

[PeachyPie93]

No I don't think that is true based on just the pregnancy I think it is individual of each person.

[itsannalee]

Nope it just because deep in your heart you just too afraid to lose him, and feel needy.

[Asker]

There we’re already feelings for him before the pregnancy but he was struggling with some substance abuse issues and I didn’t want to be involved with someone like that…so we agreed to part ways and a week later I found out I was pregnant.
Feelings just don’t go away over night, but apparently me getting pregnant, then loosing my child and realizing I had feelings makes me needy?

[fartingspinster]

Asker dont listen to istannalee - to be called needy after all thag you disclosed is not a responsible answer.

I'm going to type up my answer soon but I just can't stand by and let you feel hurt or feel the need to defend yourself. No defense needed for anyone who has had trials and tribulations in life, especially love and loss.
You are you doing the best with whatever was thrown at you ❤️

[itsannalee]

@fartingspinster fyi, you can type your own opinion instead.

Coz before you say don’t listen blaa blaa blaa, is always better you learn about psychology first.

What makes her feeling stronger isn’t pregnancy, but her focus during the pregnancy. During pregnancy people mostly only focus on the baby and the baby’s daddy, and that That's not a coincidence! That's how the Reticular Activating System (RAS) in our brain works. What you focus on, is what will be seen more clearly in your eyes.

That’s why it makes her feeling go stronger to her partner, because she was focus on the relationship. Not because of the pregnancy, like her question.

Learn more

[fartingspinster]

I can type wherever I want lmfao

And I have a degree in psychology and neuroscience... I dont know what your background is, but if you studied real psychology and the actual chemical reaction of the brain you'd realize its not as simple as quoting one area of the brain and Bam! Solution about what's going on.
Pregnancy is a really complicated process, hormones change and cause a lot of the females to feel vulnerable and thats why a stable and secure partner is important.

Stay tuned for the real answer on mh post ;)

[itsannalee]

Lmfao

[DrPepper12]

Seems normal. I'm so sorry about your loss. May the memory be a blessing!

[SmokinAces2000]

I would assume so. You guys are bringing a life into the world both your feelings for each other should change.

[HelpfulWoman]

probably not much since your relationship was already shit beforehand.

[PaleDale]

Shouldn't. Should show the love for carrying his child

[Professor-college]

I really don't think so if the couple is having problems a baby just going to make them worse... Now they're going to have even more obstacles to deal with

[Anonymous]

Your feelings grew stronger for him because you were scared and felt you needed him.

[kaucky1]

Sometimes the father to be kills self becomes the baby to be

[MrShaun]

Hopefully it doesn't get in the way of your friendship with his wife.

[Pterodon]

Nope. A baby only complicates things

[jimmy2]

It take two to make a child so yes

[MasterKS]

Life gives tough situations deal with it.

[RedInnocent69]

One hopes so