When you breakup, why do people say you need to chill and work on yourself for a while? Are we always "part of the problem"?

[Anonymous]

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[Finchie40]

Well you don’t have to listen to what other people say , you can make your own choices and decisions and do what you think is best for you. Whether you want to rush into another relationship or you choose
To take time for yourself and heal your broken heart , it doesn’t matter what other people think you should do, it’s not their life And their decision. No matter what we do in life there is always going to be someone being judgmental and hypocritical about our decisions and choices , so the best thing to do is ignore them because they don’t know shit about what you are Going through inside your head and your heart just because something didn’t work for them it doesn’t mean it isn’t going to work for you. I have witnessed so many rebound relationships that lasted , but everyone keeps saying being a rebound is not a good thing? Again most people don’t know wtf they are talking about, but they think they do.

[Zack-Bann]

If you participated in a car race and lost.
First you’d consider upgrading your car before the next race to have a chance at winning


If you just jump back into a new relationship without taking a minute to learn and draw rational conclusions from your past relationships then all that will happen is the new one will go down in flames as well


That doesn’t mean you HAVE to “work on yourself” for a set amount of time before dating again. That’s just a pretentious way to feel self important


Just do what comes natural. But be smart about the lessons life teaches you

[unknowngurll1212]

people say that becz when u go through a breakup, it shakes you in ways you don’t expect... i’m realizing that emotions don’t just shut off overnight, nd sometimes, u don’t even see how much you’ve changed until you take a step back... It’s not about being "part of the problem"... it’s about making sure u don’t lose yourself in the pain.

Ri8 now, i feel like i need this time to breathe, to understand what i want, nd to heal without rushing into something just to fill the void... It’s hard, but mayb that’s the point.. growth isn’t supposed to be easy..

[lyrem04]

I think it’s more of a you need to heal from the hurt from the previous relationship before entering a new one. That you don’t drag any unwanted baggage or insecurities into the next

[DishLady]

Probably.


You know? I’d you’ve sipped a fine wine and are going to switch to a different one you’re supposed to swish and spit some water before you have the next wine.


Same with dating. Best to refresh a bit and discard the refuse if the old relationship before starting a new one.

[coachTanthony]

You should always be working on yourself but after a break up its a good time to reflect on what happened and what went wrong if anything.

[OlderAndWiser]

They are just trying to shift blame to you.

[AMS700CX4u2]

Depends how much "Heart" you had invested in the relationship. It could take you a year of hard drinking before you want to socialize again. If you weren't at fault, you will relive the situation mentally shredding it apart trying to find out what you did wrong. but of course It was not you. I had to tell my son. "Ok, enough with the alcohol, yoju need to get back out there. Wounded hearts are then protected by tougher Gates. That explains divorcees being hesitant about getting married again.

[LifeHitMeandRan]

Because, when you date someone for a long while, you naturally take on some of their tendencies. Also, there is often SOMETHING you need to work on as well. RARELY is it 100% one person to blame.

Cheating is an exception. No excuse for it and 100% that shitbag's fault. But even then, the victim who got cheated on will develop some level of trust issues, which is not fair to bring to the next person.

[Asker]

That's fair. I'm not a fan of the you need to go to deep therapy, and get the make-over, and go on a cleanse, and workout, and all this stuff before the next. Sometimes a relationship just sucks, it's not your fault, and if they didn't destroy your soul in the break-up, you don't need to become this whole new person just to date someone new. What happened to, just be yourself, and the one you're supposed to be with, will connect with that?

[FoxyFatale]

I believe when people say 'chill and work on yourself,' it’s really just about giving yourself time to heal. Breakups are hard, and you need space to process everything before jumping into something else. And no, you’re not always ‘part of the problem.’ It’s more about looking at what you can learn from the relationship, not about blaming yourself. It’s just about growing, figuring out what you want, and making sure you're in a good place before getting back out there.

[Asker]

That sounds a lot better then what I've heard some people tell others. Like, you're not a broken eggshell, you just had a rough time of it, and now that your world isn't consumed by this person, it's okay to move on without needing to crack open your brain and develop a new one.

[IslaTheWitch]

tbh yes, it's always two two-sided problem... always...

even if one side is a victim and another an abuser... every day the victim lets the abuser to abuse them... is on victim's account "what could be done better"

or we do too much or not enough... or we believe we know better or we believe they will change... there is always something we could do better...

[Breanna83727]

People say to take a break after a breakup because it helps you heal and figure things out. It gives you time to think about what went wrong and how to grow from it. Rushing into something new too fast can lead to the same mistakes. You’re not always the problem, but looking at your part in things can help you have better relationships in the future.

[CupcakeTheDestroyer]

It’s not that you’re “part of the problem” it’s that you need time to grieve the previous relationship as well as realign your goals for any future relationships. If you have codependent tendencies, this is a heavy challenge because of how badly you feel you need someone else in your life but those feelings are ultimately to your detriment if you’re unable to create a solid support system in a platonic sense as well as romantic

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

"Work on" in the sense of taking time to digest, to accept and bury the expectations developed in a relationship, we're always part of the problem in this sense, it's nota problem though, it's personal involvement in something that ceased to exist. Like how we mourn the dead to accept their disappearance, we mourn the expectations that died with the end of the relationship, it's a similar pattern, psychologically

[PrincessC16]

It's not about who's right or wrong in the relationship. That's not what they're talking about. It's a period of self-reflection and learning. You need to take time off to let your heart heal from the relationship. And possibly address any issues that you might have that you don't want to roll over into your next relationship. It's a phase of growth.

[Lynx122]

You can always learn something from any situation in life. Seeing it as being a problem and then fixing yourself is not really accurate. It's more like a continuous journey where you're always growing. And that's what life is your journey of growth. It's better to have some time to reflect than to immediately distract yourself with a new romance.

[molonski2]

There are always two sides so Yes you are always " part of the problem " as you put it , although its not necessarily a problem , it could have selection , or open to manipulation , so its always a good idea to take some time out , make sure you are at your best physically , mentally , emotionally.

It makes sense to focus on self for a while , no point stressing , rushing , or going to another too soon.

[ProbablyClueless]

Relationships take two people. I would say that it's a pretty rare day (although it definitely does happen) when a breakup is truly the result of just one person. Even in my most toxic, unhealthy relationships, there were still things that I could have done better.

[beldath]

Generally speaking, it's the person being broken up with that needs to chill and take a break. They're the ones that jump into a rebound the most that's bad for them.
The person breaking up generally has been over it for a while, and has someone new in their sights. They're ready for the next relationship already.

Of course there are other options, I was just going with general.

[Fireguy17]

well since I can't recall having an argument with myself so yes, you also nee to take a good look at yourself. There are always things that we can improve on ourselves.
Maybe they weren't a good listener, too narcissistic, a selfish partner in the sack, too many bad habits, drinking, drugs, smoking, eating wrong, just a myriad of things we can always look at.
None of us are perfect, but many think they are.

[Jersey2]

I never “worked” on myself after a breakup, which I had always had initiated. I just looked for a better fit for a girlfriend/Spouse. I never even considered that I was the problem and she wasn’t the problem either, just not a good fit for me.

[TheSpaceGnome]

Because people like to be critical about things that have no clue about.

However, it is very unlikely that a person would have an opportunity to date somone else who's a match so soon after breaking up, since its very hard to find a match.

[Screenwriter]

Breakups that involve two people usually have something to do with BOTH people. Might not be MOST of your fault, but it's got to be some of. your fault, unless you've hooked up with someone with a mental health problem, or who is physically ill.

[Asker]

If someone cheated on you, how would that be your fault? If they were so unhappy, there is a door that they can walk through, called a breakup.

[Screenwriter]

Humans are flawed. Often people cheat because they feel guilty about actually TALKING to a SO about leaving, so they make up an excuse. Oh, I cheated. Other party says, get outta here.

I think this is stupid. But people don't act rationally. And the realtionship may have been going south BEFORE the cheating or emotional distancing or whatever the other party was or wasn't doing.

Yep. They cheated. And it was thoughtless and dumb of them. But emotionally screwed up people don't do the right thing;;; like walk out the door and say, Look I'm unhappy, bye.

[Shiprex]

It's more about healing rather than work on yourself. Getting your self esteem and life goals back into focus could be something to "work on" as the people around you aren't going to be the same any more.

[DeepInsideJLOPEZAZZ]

It's just one of those things people say... I wouldn't put much stock in it. However, if YOU YOURSELF feel you've lost your way a bit and your identity is lost somewhat and your values seem conflicted and tangled THEN YOU should self police and find your center on your own terms and in your own way. People can be right for the wrong reasons. Listen to others... don't always argue... but listen to yourself the most and put the most stock in that. YOU know YOU better than ANYONE! )

[Valdemort]

It's a two-way street.
Even if you did nothing "wrong," you'll likely still be affected, which is something worth working on for yourself.

[NoDecision]

Well you split up for some reason so obviously you weren't chilled out. So in other words, you screwed up. So one of you was a part of the problem, or maybe even both.

[Amped_Amputee]

Think of it like this, darling: when you lose your legs, you don't just jump back into running marathons, right? You adapt, learn new skills, and find new ways to thrive. Breakups are similar – you need to heal, rediscover your independence, and maybe even rekindle some hobbies, things you can do without appendages.

[Amped_Amputee]

@Severed_Freedom I do have a penchant for role-playing, and playing the role of a torso sex doll

[Nikki1989]

Most people are indeed part of the problem. Some people tend to be their worst enemy, which this website proves true every day of the week.

[Asker]

But how do you even work on you if you don't see yourself as part of the problem. People say that, work on you, but how many people really actually do, and not only that, with any lasting results that actually impact the next relationship?

[Tranquility_Lady]

Because you need to impower your own power after losing a power you thought would impower your experience

[exitseven]

I know they are just trying to help. So are the ones that say that I am really better off without her.

[spartan55]

I tell them that I have something they can work on.

[lightbulb27]

Yea we generally are… process all that so. An move on without baggage or try again.

[DrPepper12]

I can't imagine anybody not in a movie or Hallmark special saying that.

[Petermorgan343434]

Not always are we part of the problem sometimes we are , but regardless if you make decisions when you are highly emotional it more than likely can lead to disastrous results

[es20490446e]

When you break up, you usually are too emotional to date properly for a while.

[Ariesman81]

You're either part of the problem or a victim. Self reflection is a good thing.

[Staximus]

Because jumping right back into another relationship is stupid

[Manuelwe]

It means that people might blame your mistakes for break up

[Anonymous]

People are idiots that dont care and talk a lot haven't you yet learned that?

[MannMitAntworten]

Not something I have ever said.

[Dongie]

There's always room for improvement.

[Armourdillo]

Do you not see how most of the time it's said its in an insanely useless manner? Like anytime anyone has an issue just say that and see how stupid, out of touch and callous you sound.

[Dongie]

I don't talk that way. I've never told somebody to do such a corny thing. Who says this? The fact is nobody is perfect. But I've never heard someone actually say this. 😂

[Armourdillo]

You literally just did it to OP

[Dongie]

Big fuckin deal.

[In_Trance]

Yes you're part of the problem

[MasterKS]

so what people suggest go into depression?

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

It's a form of momentary depression, but you're not "going for it", it's more like realizing it is happening within, sadness. When it is happening, of course, if it's a breakup you wanted, you're not going to be sad but relieved instead

[Smile456]

No, me

[Credentialmayhem]

Time to heal