Guys, How do I get him to understand?

[Anonymous]

So a few days ago when we broke up he was hoping I didn’t hate him and trying to make sure that I still wanted to be in his life. I explained I didn’t hate him but I hated how he treated me and his actions. The other night he said I had every right to hate him. So I explained again I didn’t hate him I just hated his actions. He started telling me that I needed to start standing up for myself because people around me constantly tell me what I’m going to do and do let me decide for myself. I told him I wasn’t going to take that advice from someone who couldn’t even stand up for himself on what he wanted to do and hurt me in the process. (For context, he had promised to take me out to dinner for my birthday and I ended up not doing it because he had other things he told his family he would help them with instead) and he said it wasn’t the same thing. How do I get him to understand that it is the exact same thing only I’m not breaking a promise to him in my situation?

[Coolguy74]

It's okay to give advice even if you don't always follow it yourself because the value of advice comes from the truth or usefulness of the message, not necessarily the actions of the person giving it. People can recognize what’s right or helpful even if they struggle to live by it—human imperfection doesn’t cancel out good insight. Sometimes, those who have failed to follow their own advice actually have deeper experience and empathy, which can make their guidance even more meaningful. That doesn't mean you have to be with him or listen to him, but I don't personally think the advice is something that is bad to give over. Breaking a promise is obviously worse if we are comparing, but if you have to feel the need to compare instead of trying to reason with each other, then you probably shouldn't be together. A couple shouldn't be in competition, but instead trying to improve each other together. I would take his advice as separate from his own actions and completely separate both incidents as individual situations. When a couple fights by bringing up separate incidents to compare or "stack" them, it turns the argument into a scorekeeping battle instead of resolving the actual issue at hand. Instead of working through problems, your focused on just "winning" and in the end, you both just lose.

[Asker]

I wouldn’t say this is score keeping. It’s more or less a situation where he wants to try and help but he isn’t wiling to try and help himself.

[Asker]

I should clarify, it was brought up in a way to be spiteful. He has broken the same promises over the past few months for the same reasons. It was me saying that I don’t see a point in you trying to tell me what to do in this situation when you refuse to recognize you do the same thing. He is also one of the people who tries to tell me what to do instead of letting me decide.

[Coolguy74]

If it was intended to be spiteful, than there is a clear disconnect on his end. He clearly sees it as a "winning" or "losing" situation. Couples need to always be supportive and that doesn't mean you agree on everything or that you don't point out flaws with each other, but it is always in a loving way. To explain that to him, you need to explain that people have lots of flaws, and if he isn't willing to approach matters in a caring and loving way, then that is the problem.

[Anonymous]

So you’re saying he lets other people push him around? That he doesn’t stand up for himself?

[Asker]

Exactly, he is telling me to not let my family push me around but he lets his push him around and says nothing.

[Opinion Owner]

How long have you known him?

[Asker]

Well we met in kindergarten but I only reconnected with him about 5 years ago

[Opinion Owner]

Do you think he would be a good long term relationship? I ask because women tend to not be attracted to men like this who don’t have a backbone. She may say she’s ok w it, put up w it for a while but eventually she doesn’t like it.

[Asker]

Yes, I do. I think we both have things we have to work on but he and I tend to balance it arch other out have the same life goals and plans.

[Opinion Owner]

Ok. So over time you’ll still be ok if he doesn’t speak up for himself to you or others? You might be the one who actually has to do all that

[Ariesman81]

What I'm hearing is his family needed him and he prioritized them over you. And you're upset because you came second. Is that correct?

[Asker]

No, I’m in the same situation and he is telling me to tell my family to fuck off. But won’t do that himself. That is the situation.

[MrChinaski]

6 months of space from him will likely do the job.

[In_Trance]

You don't have to get him to understand jack shit.
You broke up
Block him and move on

[Asker]

That simply won’t happen. He and I have been friends long before we dated.

[Gayuglycowardv3]

Him not going to dinner and ultimately helping family is not the same as you being pushed around by others

[Asker]

Um the people asking me to do things is my family.