Torn between ex boyfriend and new boyfriend!

I had been with my ex for 3 1/2 years. He was wonderful, we shared lots of moments. We did really love and feel very comfortable around each other, but during the relationship and specially during the last year we dealt with some trouble on repeated occassions (mostly alcohol and immature/egoist behavior).

As these problems grew, I tried talking to him a few times. He would apologize and promise we'd fix them, but he never did anything. At some point he started getting annoyed if I tried talking about it again. These got worse, his alcohol problem grew and kept at it. I was very hurt at this point. Eventually, we broke up.

By then, I had accidentally met someone. I wasn't looking for a new guy because I didn't feel like doing it so soon, but his personality really caught my attention because it matched with pretty much all I look for in a guy. Things slowly fell by their own weight, and after some weeks we decided to give us a chance and take things as slowly as possible.

A few weeks afterward, my ex contacted me. In tears, he apologized, said he was changing, he really loved me and asked me for a second chance. After listening to him I was a bit shaken up and even considered it for some moments, but I rejected him because I couldn't really believe he'd changed in such a short time. Besides, that'd have been unfair for the new guy.

However, I've been dealing with nostalgia and confusion. My friends and my own mind say that even if things happened a bit fast, I've done well by taking a decision and staying true to it. Also, things have been going really well with the new guy, so I know I shouldn't look back, but I can't help but wonder "what if I gave him a second chance". After all, earlier on our relationship I was the faulty one, I worked in it and he did give me a second chance. His problems were heavier than mine though, but it was probably unfair of me to not give him a chance. Also, he's a good friend of my cousin and brothers, so running into each other from time to time is inevitable.

Despite it all, I do keep him as a dear person. I feel I could probably even go back to him should things happen the right way in the future, but I guess now's not the moment for that.

However, staying true to my own decisions has been complicated at best, and I keep wondering if I've done the right thing. I sometimes feel awkward around the new guy, while my ex is known, comfortable and has the "long time, deep bond" factor. On the other hand, New Guy has been great and deserves better.

My ex was my first boyfriend so I'm new at these kind of things. I'm sure I didn't do things the best way possible, but at every time I gave it a lot of thought and took the option that seemed best. It's just probably that knowing how my ex feels, I'm having some doubts and want to look back. A part of me misses him and thinks things will get better if I gave him a second chance. Yet..I think I'll be stuck wondering "what if" no matter what I do.

What to do?:(

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What Guys Said 1

  • Go and see our ex and find out exactly what he is doing to change, before yu even give anythought togoing back to him. If you have any doubts about his commitment, then stay with yur new guy and don't ever look back again. Remember that there' a good chance he won't get over alocholism, just based on how often people really succeed in getting over it.

    If you're really convinced he's sincere about improving, then you will have a tough decision to make.

    You've invested seeral years with him, and as you say, aside from this problem, you were comfortable with each other, and he gave you second chances earlier.on...it's too early to say if you'll work out with your new guy.

    So, go and talk to your ex right away, Have some questions to ask him to verify he's not just stringing you along as he did in the past about his alocohol problem.

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    • Thank you very much for your detailed answer!

      We have indeed talked, and he says this experience has been the "cold water bucket" he needed to really start changing. My cousin says he's indeed stopped drinking since we broke up, and I see he's making an effort to improve as a person, but since he promised this very same things during the relationship so many times, I can't help but feel skeptical. Maybe I should keep a low profile and think thoroughly. It really is very difficult!

    • You know addicts can be really convinciing. I'd want him to prove his good faith by joining an AA group..and make sure he really goes to meetings!

What Girls Said 1

  • He is your ex for a reason keep going backwards and you will never be truly happy

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