Sloppy seconds dilemma

[confusedbunny]

My boyfriend repeatedly chooses his friends over me when he has the opportunity to hang out with me. Every once in a while is understandable but here's the caveat. This weekend he asked me if I wanted to go out with him by ourselves (which we haven't done in at least a couple of months). His girls are with us this weekend and my daughter is with us all the time so he had asked his mom to watch all 3 for a few hours. Well then this week his friend's brother is having a bachelor party and he wants to go. So I told him to do what he wants. He's like I don't want you to feel like I'm dumping my kids on you but I do want to go. I said that was fine that I will watch them (which I don't mind usually) but I also told him that if he chose to go out with his friends then we wouldn't go out Friday night. Mainly because Sunday would come around he would realize he hadn't spent any time with his children and would at the very least talk about them incessantly when it was his fault to begin with. So once again I'm in a tough spot, frustrated, and feel like he doesn't want to spend time with me. I could tell him to not hang out with his friends because he already made plans with me. But I was hoping he would make the choice to hang out with me by just saying "do what you want". I knew that would be a stretch. So this is like the 5th time he's left his kids with me over the last 6 months. He's only watched my daughter once for a couple of hours during the last 6 months so I could do something with my friends. He says he owes me but frankly I don't think owing me should be watching my daughter in return but actually making time for me! But how do I say this without sounding completely selfish?

This whole situation is getting old and I can't figure out why I put up with it because I hate being the person to hang out with because he doesn't have something 'better' to do or someone 'better' to hang out with. Am I being unreasonable? Help!

[13EA82]

honey its a bachelor party..guys like that...its an occasion for a certain friend that never would happen again..one time deal..i know where your frustration is coming from.."he's gonna have fun with a stripper while me watching the kids" plus "he doesn't have time for me anymore"

having children should never ever be an issue against personal needs..and yes we can be selfish to the good amount..what you should do is tell him the nice way,convincing way that he would understand..like babe I really don't want you to go the the bachelors party becuase first I don't like the idea of watching strippers or sort,and plus we already made plans on going out remember?i know I'm being selfish but yes I feel like you are not giving me enough attention lately and I feel like I'm not that important to you anymore there were times when you spend time with friends than me..but you can go anyway if that's how you feel like doing I'm just saying..then maybe he'll understand and realize that.or maybe won't but its awlays good to be honest and upfront about how you feel..

sometimes being in a relationship is being on the same cloths time after time..we always want new wardrobe? so in a relationship you have to remind them,and renew old images that were put behind shadow by the time goes..or if he doesn't want to consider what you have to say then you have to do it for him..decide what you feel you should do to avoid feeling like that..

[dragonfli786351]

have you tried talking to him about it? If you haven't he is going to think it's ok because you haven't said otherwise. If you have talked about it and he still does it then hun you ARE the babysitter not GF.

[TexPlayboy]

A bachelor party is unique, but there is a bigger pattern and you are right to be concerned. You were wrong to give him an easy way out. And by thinking he would would make the right choice when you gave him the chance would have been opposite the pattern he has established. SO, maybe you are building the reasons in your mind to move on. If that is the case make your financial preparations as well as your emotional ones. Don't wait until you hate him to decide you can do better. But it is obvious the he is not ready for a committed relationship and he is using you.

SO ask yourself this question (because you are the only one who has all of the information needed to answer it correctly). Are you better off WITH him or WITHOUT him, based on how is treats you right now. Then act according to your answer. It is easier to change how you feel about something than it is to get someone to change how they act.

I am saying to get use to it, or find someone who prefers your company over his buddies. He isn't likely to turn into someone else who wants to spend time with you over his buddies. He might do it for a while, but he will resent that he has to, and then the fun he misses out on is your fault. Where he should be worried about the fun you will be having with your new boyfriend.

Good Luck

James

[Chunk-Stonechest]

From among the children in your life, choose the one you are most likely to nurture into a responsible, considerate adult. Let the others go. It'll be painful but you owe yourself a reliable partner who understands that kids come before a full social agenda. Wives and lovers rarely tolerate a man who neglects family to hang out with the "the boys" on a regular basis. You're not any different and you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting a grown up man. Your boyfriend sees his independence and freedom from responsibility fading from his grasp. We expect this attitude from young men, but we don't look for it among attentive fathers dedicated to raising happy children.

Apart from your own growing sense of dissatisfaction, you must also take into account the effects of your boyfriend as a negative role model on your daughter. You're already a single parent. Perhaps it's time you reduced the number of children you care for to focus on your daughter. It shouldn't be too hard to find a man who scores higher points as a potential long-term mate, role model, and father figure.

[jbpatter44]

You can easily and quickly take control of the situation. Locate the organizers of the bachelor party and volunteer to be (or lead ) the entertainment. You will instantly be in command. Your significant other can watch with pride while he decides whether you or his friends is most important. I'll bet that you find this course of action quite stimulating!

[Jim33]

Most guys will get away with as much as they can until their significant other puts their foot down (or at least complains). You are compounding the problem by not telling him how you really feel. Instead of saying "do what you want", you should be telling him exactly what you wrote.

If he is a good guy, he will see the light and change his behavior. If he doesn't, you don't want what the future holds for you with him.