Not giving you a chance may very well have been the compassionate thing to do

Not giving you a chance may very well have been the compassionate thing to do.

"But he/she didn't even give me a chance!" is an all-too-often lament we have either heard others say or are tempted to say ourselves.

Once in a while, we have even heard stories of someone giving an admiring person a chance in the dating world and it even turned out lovely. My own sister-in-law rejected my brother the first time he asked her out, and yet as the title "sister-in-law" indicates, she eventually said "yes" and later she said "I do." The persistent, love-lorn character who waits day and night in all weathers until the person of his desires gives in and flies into his/her arms is a very common romantic protagonist in many books, plays, poems, and movies. The reality of it is, however, that these situations, when they exist at all in real life, are far more the exception than the rule.

Indeed it's quite normal to think that if only this individual agreed to go out with us, they would have a good time and see the things we have to offer. Some people believe that this refusal to give them a chance in dating stems from a certain heartlessness; the snap judgment of an unfeeling person. Being only human, these are thoughts and feelings I've been tempted to give into myself.

However, it's worth considering that when rejected, no matter how much we long for that proverbial chance, NOT giving us a chance was probably the compassionate thing to do.

Firstly, there are very likely sound reasons for this person rejecting us. In giving us a chance, the odds of it continuing to a second date and then on to a relationship are slim at best. Meanwhile, we will have invested time, money, and emotion into something that was so very unlikely to work out in the first place. All the while, someone who would have enjoyed our company and perhaps even fell in love with us may very well have slipped by while we waste time on someone who may have agreed to date us, but was never into us, and very likely never could be.

Secondly, if the person rejecting you did so for silly or cruel reasons, then doubtless you just dodged a bullet. For that person is foolish and/or cruel, and why on earth would anyone want to be with someone like that?

Lastly and perhaps most important of all, in accepting our offer for a date even though this person isn't really into it, our hearts and minds can be elevated to an even higher plateau...from which we will fall when that person (almost) inevitably has to reject us at some point in the future. If this person is both wise and kind, as well as reasonably certain he/she isn't into us, then he/she doesn't like the prospect of rejecting us, but knows it is kinder, more compassionate to do it quickly from the start, so as not to lift us up and drop us from an even greater height.

In rejecting us quickly and not giving us that chance, that person may very well have done you a kindness by not wasting your time, money, and heart. Thus we are free to pursue someone who can return our affections.

Not giving you a chance may very well have been the compassionate thing to do


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Agreed 100%! It's such a whiny, entitled, childish assumption when people use the excuse that the person never gave them a chance. And its cousin-excuse: "You don't even know me." Just the fact that they had to say it is condescending toward me that I can't make up my mind properly of what I may or may want to do with my time or who I want to spend it with.

    Should the person doing the rejecting say, "Okay. Sorry. Shall I give you two weeks to show me who you are? only to then be criticized that I wasted your time?" Ugh.. It's another bad reaction from the rejected who just can't accept they weren't wanted and just move on.

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    • Thank you, Ozanne.

      Here's a point on which I am in 100% disagreement with you. Your use of the terms "whiny, entitled, [and] childish." I believe more often than not that when this sort of pleading goes on out of desperation brought on by the pain of being rejected. There are studies that seem to indicate some people are hardwired by brain anatomy and brain chemistry to feel the pain of rejection harder than others. And emotional pain makes you unwise (and yes, there are studies which demonstrate this, too).

      Now, pretend you are talking to one of these people you think is being "whiny, entitled [and] childish." Would you use these terms to his/her face? What kind of outcome do you think would be affected? Do you think you'd shock him/her into thinking, "Golly! I guess I really am being whiny, entitled and childish!" I think BY FAR the more likely outcome would be this person would get defensive and be driven away from any wisdom you have to share. Now I've heard reasoning...

    • Show All
    • Do you think that your experience is the exception or the norm? Do most men who go on with this pleading wind up being violent?

    • I'm sure, but I can't speak for other women. It's good to have other opinions included like this so I can read theirs their viewpoints too, just as they can read mine and know that there are experiences that are negative and how it can be perceived if I ever came across it again.

Most Helpful Guy

  • "Firstly, there are very likely sound reasons for this person rejecting us"

    Yes, mostly likely a lack of physical attraction, but it might be some other superficial trait like social status (income, education or intellect etc.).

    However superficial or not, the doesn't matter, if she is not attracted no romantic relationship is really possible and that's the end of it.

    The same goes for girls who are rejected by guys.

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    • I don't consider the traits you mentioned to be superficial..

      And indeed this is applied to both genders.

    • Superficial means apparent rather than substantial or shallow or not profound, I think superficial is the right word - humans are inherently superficial.

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What Girls Said 5

  • Hi Bluemax, just clicked your link and read your take. Great things you bring up! I love how you are able to reverse the sting of rejection in either case scenario with so much logic and common sense. Yes, either way, it was probably better for the rejectee to receive the rejection. There is no use crying over spilled milk, and turning it around to benefit you is the best thing you can do for your own healing and empowerment.

    The thing I want to share is how, when I was a young girl, I was quite often rejected by the guys I had crushes on. When I went on to find my forever companion and got married, they suddenly came out of the woodwork, started complaining about and judging my relationship and my decision to get married. It was like they couldn't stand that I had finally found someone of my own, even though they weren't willing to make me their girlfriend before, let alone admit that they had any reciprocal feelings whatsoever. That left me upset and somewhat confused.

    Has this ever happened to you?

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    • Has that happened to me? No, thank God! Now that's a strange thing!

      I'm inclined to think that the guys who rejected you might have appreciated the attraction you felt, and were a bit disappointed when they realized you're not pining for them. If that's the case, they don't strike me as men with a particularly solid character. I suppose you can count your blessings that you dodged a bullet.

      Though it hasn't happened to me, it did happen to one of my male friends. A girl he pined over for years suddenly became very critical of his bride-to-be. They're no longer on speaking terms. I believe she wasn't attracted to him, but liked the attention.

    • Ah, that makes sense!

  • Nice take!
    I think people know it's an exception than the rule, but they like to think they are exceptional. If they don't think that highly of themselves, they are just crushed that they don't even look 'decent' enough to the girls they hit on that those girls don't even consider to give them a chance.

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    • Thank you, bubble_tea.

      I don't fault someone for being "crushed" at being rejected because he/she feels she isn't physically attractive. It's painful for them and I don't blame them for feeling pain.

    • I don't fault them for having feelings either, but they are responsible for how they choose to react to rejection.

    • Yep! That they are, bubble_tea!

  • Nice Apollo and Daphne :) (Also, a good take!)

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  • Thank you! I hope more people read this!

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  • Nice take! :)

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What Guys Said 2

  • This is very much true. That's why I am thankful in a way that I haven't been led on yet, only received surface-level rejections so far.

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  • This take brings out a lot of feels.

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