Go on OkCupid ok 'you should message me if' section, and you will see the following a lot:
You should message me if:
' You're going to ask me a question that isn't just 'How are you? '
' Please try not to message me with a 'Hi' or 'I like your smile' or '(insert generic greeting)' '
' I don't respond to 'hi' or 'how are you?' It seems harsh but it's a harsh old world. '
(copied and pasted from actual profiles)
Tinder and other apps are not much better. When OkC used to have the function for frequency of replies it was no surprise to go through women's profiles and find 'replies selectively' 9 times out of ten and for men 'replies often' would come up 9.5 times out of ten. A lot of the girls saying this don't even have anything written on their profile themselves anyway, and therefore nothing to talk about except their picture (and we all know where THAT goes).
So why are girls like this?
- They think it's a boring conversational line
- They think the guy saying it does not have much personality
- They want the guy to prove he's got 'game'
- They think the guy who says this maybe just wants sex
But all of this is very untrue, as I will show:
- In real life, it is a polite and amicable way to introduce yourself
- In real life, it is how people that have not yet established commonalities begin human interaction
- In real life, ambassadors, business associates, or other professional persons would greet one another with an equally well-mannered but simplified introduction
- In real life, this is how confident and socially intelligent people talk to one another
- In online dating, it is STILL a customary part of interpersonal etiquette
- In online dating, it is very easy to see if a person has anything else to say about themselves (simply look at their profile)
- In online dating, regardless of the opener, it's impossible to determine if a guy just wants sex or not unless he explicitly states the desire for sex
I get that some women will be receiving a lot of messages and will need to filter through the results, but understand that this would not be the case if more women sent the first message. To summarise, 'Hi, how are you' is a commonly accepted part of social etiquette. It is a cultural nicety that exists for a reason and women are essentially shaming men online for being polite. Women who engage in such tacks are not immersed in common civility and also tend to have low levels of intelligence. That some women think this introduction is 'boring' says more about them than it does about the people who would use it.
Why There's Nothing Wrong With "Hi, How are You?", Ladies
Okay maybe "Nice weather we're having" is a little boring. However as for the other conversation starters I see absolutely nothing wrong with them. Now I personally don't have an Tinder or any of the other dating sites but as for in real life or just on GAG every other sentence you listed is perfectly fine. It sure as hell beats "Aye" getting called from down the street by some random guy, getting honked at, or getting asked if you want to see a guys dick or to take nude pics. mthose are all HORRIBLE conversation starters!
A guy walking up to me asking me my name or complimenting me is the perfect way to start a conversation or if online simply saying hello and doing the same. Good MyTake 👍
'It sure as hell beats getting called from down the street from some random guy, getting honked at, our getting asked if you want to see some random guys dick'
THANK you so much. I really do wish I had thought to incorporate this point into my original take. It's just a shame so many other people are too ignorant to see this.
Dude, never use OkC girls as an example of real life women. OkC women SUCK. They're all a bunch of self centered hypocritical feminists, thinking they're better than you, but they don't even know how to keep a conversation going. I tried OkC just for fun, nothing serious, and the profiles I read were... ugh, couldn't read more than 2 lines without shaking my head.
When you meet a girl in person, a "Hi, how are you" or "Hi, what's your name", works perfectly fine with most girls. It's just a way to break the ice, it doesn't mean anything more. That's why online dating sucks, and I don't plan on looking for a girlfriend online, cause I don't want a crappy girlfriend.
I am so glad to find someone agreeing with me. It seems the guys on here think worse about this than what the women do. But this said, I have found some girls that are very reasonable about this as an opening line, I find that these girls are the best quality also (personality). Usually, it is not girls where I am from (UK) or from US, but foreign girls, especially Chinese or Japanese, and many girls from East Europe, India, Thailand, etc. I think they just do not have the manipulative streak many western girls have been smeared with.
'When you meet a girl in person, a "Hi, how are you" or "Hi, what's your name", works perfectly fine with most girls. '
Yes, I have found this as well - simplicity works better in real life because the girls have your confidence to judge you on instead.
What you are saying is totally true but while I don't have the numbers it is my belief that men heavily outnumber women on these sites so women have a big advantage and can be said to set the agenda. I think this will continue as long as the numbers pan out like this. That said from your points there are things that stand out, women with sparse profiles bemoaning the fact that people don't talk to them as people. It is a hard call to pick out who is just after sex from a "Hi, how are you?" message, could be just a shy guy not good at small talk. I would agree that there should be a clear indicator on a person's profile that they answer selectively. I would be wary of saying that I don't respond to certain messages because it puts people off and what if someone I am attracted to sends that type of message, I would feel a bit of a hypocrite if I answered but if I clearly indicated I was selective maybe I would check a person profile before not responding or preferably sending a polite not interested message. In conclusion though as long as the numbers heavily favour women I don't think we will see any major change in behaviour.
People say that, but honestly I don't think it actually matters what you say. As long as it's not really offensive then what matters is if they think you're attractive or not.
I think I agree with your sentiment though, although I'm not sure if the reasoning that it's acceptable in real life so it must be fine online makes sense. But what makes more sense is... there's no incentive for men to write long messages when the response rate is so low. I could spend a few hours writing out ten thoughtful messages to people who I specifically thought would be exceptional matches, and get no responses to any of them. Which would just be a huge waste of my time. I've done that before too and gotten no replies and that's how I know it doesn't work.
It makes way more sense to send a short message just to see if there's any mutual interest and then talk about more interesting things if so.
Tinder and other sites/apps where you have to mutually match before you can message solve one aspect of this issue, but the problem with those is that you their profile information is so limited and you see people totally at random, you can't sort by how good of a match you would be. So it's really quite annoying, there should be some sort of hybrid app/site. I'm thinking about making one actually haha.
Well, you're both right and wrong. In actual life, a guy telling a woman he meets, "Hi, how are you?" is perfectly fine. But online? Yeah, it's kind of odd. I never start any of my messages to females with, "How are you?" I always begin with something I really want to say or ask that has to do with something I saw them say in a question or answer, or something on their profile, or if I'm curious about something. And 98% of the time it's successful.
So, yeah. I do understand how that can be annoying for a woman to get that in her inbox. It even annoyes me when teen girls shoot me a message just saying, "Hey." If you don't have something to say to intrigue me, keep moving.
In real life it takes guts to approach a woman that it doesn't take online. So 'Hi' is acceptable as you have already demonstrated value in the form of confidence by approaching. A guy that just says 'Hi' online might be a great catch but how do I know that? How do I know you have value unless you demonstrate it?
Trying to get women to approach is about as foolish as trying to get men not to like boobs. It's just not how we are wired. Males approach females in most mammal species. Besides, women who approach are seen as desperate by many men. We are not trying to shame you for being polite it's just that being polite isn't sexy but you can be unique without being rude.
"Women who engage in such tacks are not immersed in common civility and also tend to have low levels of intelligence. That some women think this introduction is 'boring' says more about them than it does about the people who would use it."
So what? Dating should not be about guts. E. g. a guy that has guts could be really creepy. A lot of rapists and serial killers have guts.
'A guy that just says 'Hi' online might be a great catch but how do I know that? '
Simple: 1. Don't make any assumptions based on the opening line alone. 2. Check the guys profile.
'Trying to get women to approach is about as foolish as trying to get men not to like boobs. It's just not how we are wired. '
To me this just screams, 'women want equality but not the responsibility that comes with that equality'. Basically, it's fine to say that we should do away with putting responsibility on women as long as you are willing to accept the logical conclusion of that argument (abolish equality and reintroduce traditional gender roles for women). You can't have your cake AND eat it.
they want equality but they don't want to take the same risks or initiatives as men. guys might find confidence attractive in a woman also but they do not really have the chance to appreciate it because already the societal pressure is on them to be the initiator, to be dominant (which is not compatible with the feminist theory of equal gender roles).
Well, there is equality of endowment - which you are right is bad - but equal rights or equal responsibilities are different. I believe that rights and responsibilities go hand in hand: in short men (and women) must earn their rights (or at the very least they should earn their privileges).
So you see women not approaching as women making less effort? But women take a lot of effort to get men to approach. That's a lot of evolution right there. Females attract, males approach.
well wealth and confidence are both things you have to work for so your point is moot. at best you could argue women are putting in the same effort into their appearance but even that is not really true. realistically a whole host of factors triggers attraction in both genders, and each individual prefers different things. it's pointless to say one gender prefers x while the other prefers y. this is just a rationalisation of the fact women (for the most part) are too lazy and too passive to take the same initiative men are.
thanks man. I've had many of these sorts of discussions before. women simply just don't see dating from a man's perspective. even some men, if they have not been through many 'dry patches' yet will not be so quick to sympathise. but alas, it is what it is.
Truest me I been through a lot of bs with women.. shit that just got me tried of dating women for awhile. but women only like to see it from how they feel and what they think.
@skykidx1 yeah, I've had my own bs also. I get that it's not just us but just because women have their own problems, does not mean they need to take it out on the guys that are not the root of that.
Yea your pretty much right. problem 1 over a year ago my ex girlfriend parents forced us apart. she cried for over a month I tried fighting for her.. But all she could do is blame it on me and bend the truth so she doesn't look bad. kept saying she doesn't know what to do till she met a guy her parents like that had everything I never did. her parents made our dating life a living hell it was like dating a 9 year old girl yet she was 2o years old anyway as soom as she started dsting the new guy she blamed it all on me. but that was over a year ago I did truly love her but life sucks then problem 2. the new girlfriend yday morning she asked me to come over her house and wanna know what she did? told me to wait outside then called the cops on me lol. o and that's after asking me to buy her coffee dated her for 4 months last time I give people a chance.
Yup lol I told you I go through so much bs with womrn... it's not even funny. so now am just like yea bye. I don't even feed into their bs anymore. but happy April
Both men and women are judged both for their appearance and other factors. Women are not judged solely on their appearance and men aren't judged solely on other things. It seems like the ways in which they're judged is pretty similar. I agree with the take owner...
Yea, in real life, I wouldn't be off put if a guy said "Hi, how are you" "Hello, you have a beautiful smile." But honestly, what I like to hear most is a guy's name. That's respectful and shows more intent in my opinion.
I think most women hate it 'cause its been so overused, that's why jerks and assholes who temporarily take them out of the bind by being 'creative' often score better with the ladies. I mean on a dating website, an average girl would be getting maybe thirty-forty checks by different men who say the same thing.
something I say now is, 'hey, please check my profile if you are interested' or 'check my profile for reference'. I do make a point to read their profile first though. if there is something that immediately grabs my attention then I will use that but the simple harsh fact is that there is not always. that's because the person is a stranger to you: you have not established any compatibilities. it often takes time to get to know someone first and establish this if you want a deeper more meaningful conversation. I can converse in the way women would like very well in fact. I just see nothing wrong with a simple and pleasant introduction as a starting point. in fact I think it is very superficial behaviour to think otherwise, so for me this is like a 'filter' mechanism to sieve my way through the girls not worth my time.
Guys hit copy pasta or generic hi to women on dating app because women get so much messages that unless you are several tiers/cream of the crop chances are she will not message you. A 5/10 female (red neck/white trash girl) was on dating app and then decided to share all her messages she got from guys on reddit.
Some guys sent her long winded poem. other looked at her profile and strung together clever pick up lline. She basically made fun of them.
So yeah. Why waste effort and put long winded intro to 1 girl. You have to maximize your time so might as spam the same copy past/hi to multiple girls and see which one bites. Dating is numbers game for men. It's like fishing.
Eh, I think I'm going to have to side with the ladies on this one. Online dating isn't real life, so there's no need for the standard niceties when you have her whole profile available for you to come up with something original and creative.
Yeah, thing is not every girl has something outstanding to say about herself in her profile and even when they do, that doesn't mean you instinctively have the most witty or imaginative comments to make looking at her profile alone. Besides, she has your profile to look at risk
"that doesn't mean you instinctively have the most witty or imaginative comments to make looking at her profile alone"
Unfortunately, that's where the whole supply and demand thing comes in. I'm sure you are aware of how outnumbered women are in online dating, so they can afford to selectively message guys who do have witty or imaginative comments (or who are just really good looking).
lol true, but let's face it, thoroughly exploring profiles can be time consuming and depending on where they live, girls can get hundreds of messages a day. Ain't nobody got time to go through that many profiles lol
I respectfully disagree that it's time consuming. if you want quality men then the quickest, most time efficient method is to look at what they have to say about themselves in depth. Any idiot can send some canned material bull or quirky line using PUA gimmicks and make himself look like a cassonova. What a man has to say about himself on his profile says a lot more about his character.
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