My brain won’t ever switch off. Ever. Whether it’s worrying about work, what people think of me or why that text hasn’t been responded too in 5 and a half minutes, my mind goes into overdrive and it produces a series of negative conclusions, each more disastrous than the next.
And that’s the problem. Overthinking creates more problems, when really, there wasn’t one to begin with! It clouds your vision.
The What If’s?
Overthinking can grow from two things; bad experiences and personality type. I fall into the latter because I’m a natural planner. I like plans. I like structure. I like a time and I like a date. It’s not too much to ask right? Well, it’s all very useful at work but in the dating game it’s different.
You need to exercise flexibility and just to chill the hell out. Yes, it’s understandable to have some idea what’s going on, but when you overthink things, you’re demanding an answer straightaway and you become impatient.
In the past, if a guy I was dating didn’t follow these basic principles, then the panic would set in. It stems from fear and insecurity. What if he’s forgotten? What if he’s standing me up? What if he just doesn’t effin care?
For example; a guy I was seeing had arranged a date but he hadn’t specified a time. So, after I finished work I shot him a message asking when he was going to pick me up. He didn’t reply for nearly 2 hours, so naturally my mind went into overdrive. Eventually, he got back to me and the reason was him being held at work by his mental boss. I also took into account his nature. He was so laid-back I was surprised he wasn’t horizontal, and he was naturally forgetful.
After I discovered the reason and was able to see the situation with clarity, I felt incredibly stupid that I’d worked myself up into such a state.
Chill the Hell Out
One of the biggest problems with overthinking is that it makes you give off a bad vibe. You zone in on the details of his/her actions, and if they’re not up to your expectations you assume the worst. This is also where the “Self-Fulfilling Prophecy” comes to into play. If you assume the worst, expect the worst. Both girls and guys can pick up on this behavior where you’re being analysed. Your interactions with them become measured and calculative, and you don’t see them as a person but as an object to fulfill your own ideals.
I’ve been guilty of this. Once I start too really like a guy, the judging process begins. You start to wonder how much he likes you through his actions, his texts and how affectionate he is.
Nobody likes to feel as if they’re under the microscope, and you come across as needy and insecure.
The solution: chill out. Seriously. Enjoy the present, and do not get ahead of yourself.
The Worry about coming across as Needy, Clingy, Desperate, etc.
The main reason why some of the guys I’ve dated didn’t work out is because I allowed myself to be a doormat. I’m a naturally compassionate and kind person, and I don’t believe in playing games. If you’re interested in someone, why mask it? However there are people out there who will take advantage. However, you must take stock of where you went wrong and set higher standards for yourself next time. You deserve respect and only the best.
It’s healthy to see a bad experience as a learning curve, and it’s vital to not let any bad experiences skew your vision about the opposite gender and dating as a whole. Never change who you are, and always be open dating again. Not everybody is the same and you will go through long periods of failure.
Dating won’t become an enjoyable experience if you’re composing each reply to great detail, becoming offended if he/she doesn’t send a “X” at the end of a message, or if you feel that a man should always be the one to initiate dates.
Hell, I’ve initiated two dates in one week with the guy I’m seeing at the moment. Yes, I did have the fear that this would make him become more complacent in the long-term, and yes I did have the tiny fear that I would seem to keen but I did it because I feel comfortable with him. I’m confident in his attraction to me, so I did it. Whether this will have a negative effect, only time will tell, but for now it’s important I don’t focus on that and enjoy being present.
And remember, when in doubt, chill the hell out! Good luck everyone :)