Your Dating Profile Dissected - Or What NOT To Write About Yourself

Your Dating Profile Dissected - Or What Not To Write About Yourself

This is a real online dating site profile, with each claim dissected - what it really means. I find these types of profiles to be completely delusional. Some of it is so cliched as to be totally worthless.

Profile Poster: It's kind of hard to speak about myself because of course I would speak about all these "Amazing Qualities" that I posses but in reality I have more issues than Vogue. I am beyond flawed because I am human. I really wish I was an Alien but no here I am with you humans.

What it really means: Take me as I am or don't bother. This attitude allows me to get away with whatever the hell I want.

Profile Poster: I also like to laugh, I joke around a lot so if you get your feelings hurt then we can't be friends.

What it really means: I have humor like a man but bet your ass you better not treat me with the same type of humor.

Profile Poster: I wear a boat load of make up because well I can and I want to and honestly I don't care if you don't like it. It floats my boat and makes me happy.

What it really means: I'm ugly as sin, hugging me will stain all your shirts, waking up next to me is more frightening than all your worst fears coming true in a split second. I'm totally insecure. When I cry it'll look like my face is literally melting... subconsciously I know this and will use it to my advantage in public at some very inopportune time to emphasize my role as victim when I've screwed up and you call me on it.

Profile Poster: I'm pretty much laid back, I try not to leave my house if I don't have to and well I work because bills don't pay themselves.

What it really means: I'm hunting a sugar daddy so that I can finally quit this boring ass job I hate so much. Since I don't like leaving the house, if I get that sugar daddy I'll blimp up quicker than a twinkie disappears at a Weight Watchers meeting.

Profile Poster: If you want a girl who parties and drinks goes to bars and know where its going to "Be Lit" I am not the one. I don't have an inner child I have an inner old lady who says inappropriate stuff, tells everyone to be quiet, and goes to bed at 8 PM. I get irritated easily and I shut people out don't take it personal.

What it really means: any time you're "having a good time" I'll suddenly want to go home/be alone/leave you/need space and then I'll question your maturity since I don't "need" all that "fun" in my life. I'll probably accuse you of being an alcoholic if you have more than 2 drinks while we're out with friends, despite the fact that when we make mexican together at home I'll end up drinking an entire pitcher of homemade margarita and become a raving psychopath who wants to fight over some misinterpretation of an otherwise harmless comment you made.... 7 weeks ago.

Profile Poster: I might talk to you 3 days straight and I will just stop because that's how I function. I like to be alone but I get bored easily. Makes sense? No? It's okay I don't need you to understand it.

What it really means: I'm a flake and not even I understand why. Your job will be to ENTERTAIN ME at every moment of our interactions together otherwise I'll deem you as boring and I'll start sending nudes to guys on POF behind your back because I kept a secret account up after deleting the account I met you with. Since I don't need you to understand me, I'll always tell you that you just don't understand me. This gives me wiggle room to do and say whatever the hell I please, no matter what you expect of me and how greatly I fail to fall within your spectrum of "normal".

Your Dating Profile Dissected - Or What NOT To Write About Yourself

Profile Poster: I do not go by looks, pretty people do ugly stuff. I do believe personality and emotions are what counts in life. Thank god I was blessed with a few personalities you might not know what you will get. Sounds kind scary but it all comes down to just being the raw me I'm a freaken mess and I wouldn't change it.

What it really means: I'm trying to come off as practical but in all honesty you'd better be handsome as f***. If looks really didn't matter to me I wouldn't have mentioned them. The "personality and emotions" part I must put in here to show you that I'm just like everyone else you've ever dated (and failed with) and believe in the brainwash that is the F.I. Nothing new here at all. Cosmo magazine had an article a few months ago that said men found women who were unpredictable far more enticing so in an effort to play that role up, here's a disclaimer about me "being kinda scary and raw". This should excite you, Cosmo said so. Plus everyone knows that "being a mess" is just a euphemism for being hilariously cute. It worked for Kate Hudson in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.... it'll obviously work for me.

Profile Poster: I'm not here to find the love of my life, I'm just here to find friends. You have been warned my friend.

What it really means: I'm going to mentally screw you until you cannot stand me and quit being socially available to me, at which point I'll confess undying love for you because what I really want is attention and I'll spiral outta control if you abandon me. In fact, if you bail on me at minimum I'll mess up your little bubble of life somehow. Perhaps show up at your work throwing a fit and crying or maybe lie to you about being pregnant. Hope you brought your helmet, shit's about to get rough.

Your Dating Profile Dissected - Or What NOT To Write About Yourself


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I have a hard time believing anyone would write that as a profile on a dating website because (even without your sarcastic commentary) anyone who wrote something like that obviously has serious mental issues and would be terrible in a relationship. Now I've never been to an online dating website because I've heard some horror stories, but if this is the type of thing people use to try and attract someone (because you can always make yourself appear nicer and more attractive online) it's no wonder so many people have problems with online dating

    I'd say this girl is extremely insecure and has no self confidence. She is immature in the way she acts and deals with problems. She has no friends because she's a buzzkill, but she he's too much pride to admit that's the reason, so she pretends it's her choice. By saying she's on there looking for friends, she's proving how lonely, depressed, and desperate she is for human interaction. She'd be manipulative in a relationship and blame the guy for everything. But then she's not even very attractive once she takes her makeup off, and she's going to shut herself up in a house and get fat if someone allows her to quit her job. She's basically a lazy, lonely, desperate, insecure, mad immature slob

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    • You have a hard time believing cuz you're 21. When women get to forty-plus and have either blown out their relationship, or never found mr. right, they are in a very bad way. The pickin's are slim indeed.
      And yes, this is a real profile, there are many others like it. There are lots and lots of single mothers and they'll post right in their profile that their kids come first. So, where does that leave a new husband? At number four or five rung on the ladder of importance, so they just don't go there. Women will post all manner of profile bullshit without a single mention of what they would do for a guy, what value they bring, or why she would be a good catch. Absolutely nothing.
      Yes, they become desperate. And worse.

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    • And there ya go.

      I would say every one of them has "I like to travel" or 'walks on the beach' in their profile. Even if they're 300 miles from a beach.

      And they try to explain how independent they are, or how successful they are, and neither one makes a goddam difference to a guy.

      Every one of them tries to explain how wonderful they are instead of what a wonderful relationship they'll create with the right guy. They are so convoluted as to be meaningless.

    • I love the ocean but don't live near one anymore

      I agree most men don't care how successful a woman is

      I think you should present yourself in a positive light. That was my point. The profile you posted about doesn't show that

Most Helpful Guy

  • This sounds like the voice of experience talking. My favorite comment in profiles is "I love to take walks on the beach." Yeah, me too, and I do it about once every 5 years. If all those people were actually out there walking on the beach, you'd need a ticket to get on the beach, the tickets would be rationed, and the beach would be closed once a week for repairs!

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What Girls Said 5

  • Lol so true... I didn't release this was just about girls till the one about makeup...

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  • LMAO!!

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  • You have read my inner mind...

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  • You have a very cynical outlook, and no perception of other people's minds.

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  • This is why I don't do online dating

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What Guys Said 12

  • Don't forget the cringeworthy "Just Ask"

    or "I like eating, travel, the outdoors, music, reading, exercising, sports, and country music"

    If i had $1 for every one of those profiles I came across, I'd be a fucking millionaire.

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    • Plus, who is expected to pay for all this high-life?
      Every one of them says they 'like travel'. Like, where did you get the money to do all this millionaire-travel? Huh? Oh, that was your ex? Ah, I see. Exactly how much did you contribute to this worldly travel lifestyle?

      Gaah!!

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    • At 27 seconds that is, not the rest lol

    • "So... you... like... fuck?" LOL
      Did I get that right?

      Yeah, a reasonable question. If not, NEXT!!

  • I know, right?
    The simple nouns of "contradiction" and "irrationality"?
    In the context of Dating Profiles, they assume a SUPERLATIVES status!

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  • Someone with a profile like that is so easy to screw with, but you'd have to know what you're doing to succeed (and I do mean it's easy... those are the most fun to mess around with... fun times, fun times).

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  • Ohhh... OP - Maybe do some men's ones too... The ladies are not going to like this.

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    • Sorry, I'm not a lady. And frankly just don't think like they do. It wasn't written to please them - it was to show just how ridiculous most of them sound and how silly they actually think about themselves and what stupid things they say.
      Not one of them on any dating site ever says what they have to offer, what they bring that is of actual value to a relationship. It's all about what a special snowflake they are and what a special opportunity it is if you should happen to be granted a date with them. How many of them say, "don't waste my time". Really honey?

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    • Married for 24 years with wife2.0, 10 years with ver1.0. I was the dumper. I don't have one of these for a wife. She's a very special lady. Don't tell her, but she is highly likely irreplaceable. :)
      Actually she knows that. We have a very good thing going. But it has not always been like that. And this is a story for another day.

      Oh, and intelligent men DO end up with these broads. They think they can make them happy, love them, care for them. Sometimes it works for awhile, sometimes they are just impossible. You're good 'till something better comes along.

      You see, there's this psychology about women that continually blow out guys - they are masters at reeling them in. They are master manipulators. These gals are REALLY good at this. And the poor guys just want a piece of ass so they go along with it, only to be completely used up and spit out.

      Google the term: hypergamy

    • Hmm. Okay - I'll be on the lookout.

      I am a trifle choosy with women.

  • So glad i've never dated online lol. Jesus wept, that sounds scary.

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  • It almost made me act like the bitchy chick writing those while reading the mytake. Hilarious. Especially the makeup part. Great article.

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  • Fortunately I've never written any of these things in my profile :D

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  • The last one, particularly about poppin up at work. I feel so glad I work at a place that has a baffle gate..

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  • Dating profiles are so full of crap. They are so full of predictable lies not just from women but from men too. The problem is if you are totally honest and say something like you are unemployed, have no car and have no prospects for the future you have even less chance of meeting someone when the chances are a 100 to 1 to start with. It is like talk a lot of shit or don't bother. You have to sell yourself to be noticed at all and just outright honest won't find you a date. This is how dating sites are set-up. They are a haven for bullshit artists.

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  • You should also never put down your actual income. It always backfires.

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  • I think these dating websites should come with manuals.

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  • Fuck life, I'm better single.

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