This is a real online dating site profile, with each claim dissected - what it really means. I find these types of profiles to be completely delusional. Some of it is so cliched as to be totally worthless.
Profile Poster: It's kind of hard to speak about myself because of course I would speak about all these "Amazing Qualities" that I posses but in reality I have more issues than Vogue. I am beyond flawed because I am human. I really wish I was an Alien but no here I am with you humans.
What it really means: Take me as I am or don't bother. This attitude allows me to get away with whatever the hell I want.
Profile Poster: I also like to laugh, I joke around a lot so if you get your feelings hurt then we can't be friends.
What it really means: I have humor like a man but bet your ass you better not treat me with the same type of humor.
Profile Poster: I wear a boat load of make up because well I can and I want to and honestly I don't care if you don't like it. It floats my boat and makes me happy.
What it really means: I'm ugly as sin, hugging me will stain all your shirts, waking up next to me is more frightening than all your worst fears coming true in a split second. I'm totally insecure. When I cry it'll look like my face is literally melting... subconsciously I know this and will use it to my advantage in public at some very inopportune time to emphasize my role as victim when I've screwed up and you call me on it.
Profile Poster: I'm pretty much laid back, I try not to leave my house if I don't have to and well I work because bills don't pay themselves.
What it really means: I'm hunting a sugar daddy so that I can finally quit this boring ass job I hate so much. Since I don't like leaving the house, if I get that sugar daddy I'll blimp up quicker than a twinkie disappears at a Weight Watchers meeting.
Profile Poster: If you want a girl who parties and drinks goes to bars and know where its going to "Be Lit" I am not the one. I don't have an inner child I have an inner old lady who says inappropriate stuff, tells everyone to be quiet, and goes to bed at 8 PM. I get irritated easily and I shut people out don't take it personal.
What it really means: any time you're "having a good time" I'll suddenly want to go home/be alone/leave you/need space and then I'll question your maturity since I don't "need" all that "fun" in my life. I'll probably accuse you of being an alcoholic if you have more than 2 drinks while we're out with friends, despite the fact that when we make mexican together at home I'll end up drinking an entire pitcher of homemade margarita and become a raving psychopath who wants to fight over some misinterpretation of an otherwise harmless comment you made.... 7 weeks ago.
Profile Poster: I might talk to you 3 days straight and I will just stop because that's how I function. I like to be alone but I get bored easily. Makes sense? No? It's okay I don't need you to understand it.
What it really means: I'm a flake and not even I understand why. Your job will be to ENTERTAIN ME at every moment of our interactions together otherwise I'll deem you as boring and I'll start sending nudes to guys on POF behind your back because I kept a secret account up after deleting the account I met you with. Since I don't need you to understand me, I'll always tell you that you just don't understand me. This gives me wiggle room to do and say whatever the hell I please, no matter what you expect of me and how greatly I fail to fall within your spectrum of "normal".
Profile Poster: I do not go by looks, pretty people do ugly stuff. I do believe personality and emotions are what counts in life. Thank god I was blessed with a few personalities you might not know what you will get. Sounds kind scary but it all comes down to just being the raw me I'm a freaken mess and I wouldn't change it.
What it really means: I'm trying to come off as practical but in all honesty you'd better be handsome as f***. If looks really didn't matter to me I wouldn't have mentioned them. The "personality and emotions" part I must put in here to show you that I'm just like everyone else you've ever dated (and failed with) and believe in the brainwash that is the F.I. Nothing new here at all. Cosmo magazine had an article a few months ago that said men found women who were unpredictable far more enticing so in an effort to play that role up, here's a disclaimer about me "being kinda scary and raw". This should excite you, Cosmo said so. Plus everyone knows that "being a mess" is just a euphemism for being hilariously cute. It worked for Kate Hudson in How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days.... it'll obviously work for me.
Profile Poster: I'm not here to find the love of my life, I'm just here to find friends. You have been warned my friend.
What it really means: I'm going to mentally screw you until you cannot stand me and quit being socially available to me, at which point I'll confess undying love for you because what I really want is attention and I'll spiral outta control if you abandon me. In fact, if you bail on me at minimum I'll mess up your little bubble of life somehow. Perhaps show up at your work throwing a fit and crying or maybe lie to you about being pregnant. Hope you brought your helmet, shit's about to get rough.
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