Why Many Men Are Upset about Paying on the First Date

Dating is an important aspect of forming romantic relationships. First impressions are everything and we all want to impress whoever we are trying to date. So you would think that men would have no problem paying for a date right? We are starting to see a shift in society, men are no longer enthusiastic about dating and especially PAYING for them. What has happened? Is there something women can do? Here is mytake and theory behind what is happening.

1. Women's entitlement

I think this is the #1 reason men dislike paying for any date. When you see women calling men cheap, then DEMAND and EXPECT men to pay for you, it gives men a negative feeling toward you. I always tell women that the best way to get what you want is to not demand it. You are giving off an aura of entitlement and it's extremely unattractive.

Why many men are upset about paying on the first date

2. Women flake a lot, and dating is getting more expensive than ever

First dates have a high failure rate, just ask most men. The fact is most of the time she will not be interested and flake. That is fine, but when dates can cost anywhere from 20-75 dollars, that can add up fast especially for younger men. My suggestion for men and women is agree to a low cost date like coffee or a picnic on the beach.

3. Evolution of gender roles and hypocrisy

Let's face it, times are changing. Women are obtaining more power than they ever had in history and both genders are unsure how to handle this. Many women have the same privileges men have had, but also want to keep the old ones they had. This makes men VERY disgruntled about the dating scene. Before you get your pitchforks, I think it's good women have more rights. That being said you can't just have everything you want. More traditional men will want more traditional women, and those are the men who tend to court more. My suggestion for this phenomenon is to listen to each other and COMPROMISE. I never understood how we can't just listen and compromise for each other. If you can't come to an agreement then you aren't meant for each other.


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Most Helpful Girl

  • I get where you're coming from, it can be discouraging & draining. But I think it's a bit ridiculous men are *required* to pay for the first date. If anything I'd like to see the first two as just getting to know each other & he can pay for the third if he wants to. It is a good reminder though to tell my next date that I respect him but I'll be paying for my part of the date. Then if he really wants to he can jump in but maybe relax a little more otherwise.

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What Girls Said 17

  • I've always offered to pay for myself, but 90% of the time the guys I have been out with have paid quite willingly, even when I offered to buy the second drink or something else. If they're being generous enough to do that then I'm not going to shun that and demand I pay for myself.

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  • I don't ever see forums where men voice their disdain about paying for a first date but I think men are mad about it silently, especially knowing he may never see her again. That's why he may be mad, due to it being the last time he sees her.

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  • I think if the man asks you out he should definitely pay. However if the women asks the man out she should pay. I find that philosophy to be fair. I have never asked a guy out but so far any guy that has asked me out has paid.

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    • So you'd rather have men definitely pay 99% of the time?

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    • @Lopezz1999

      But yeah I always asked, so I always paid (I like to be in control esp. in the beginning of the relationship - power move, and I like to be able to have control over the place). My dates always went well because I was extreme picky about who I asked on them. I take my time sexually in a relationship (nice and slow) and really like to build up chemistry and trust early on (hence prefering to ask so that I get to set the tone and not feel rushed) all I want from him is the knowledge he had a great night and if he was interested in something real. I always dated for a relationship, not for fun or sport.

      There is nothing wrong with people who prefer to be asked, they generally are more submissive and like the person that they will be with to be in the power seat. The first date is kind of like a metaphor for the rest of the relationship in my opinion.

    • Very nice. I appreciate your point of view.

  • Thanks very much for sharing ☺I don't know but in our culture, if a man didn't pay for the first date, he would have probably missed his chance with his date even if he tried to make up for it later on as the mentality of the women here is that if the man didn't pay for the first date, it is a clear indicator of his lack of romantic interest and she would move on. This mentality seemed deeply rooted among all the females I know :(

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  • I don't see why people can't treat a first date like a hangout with a new friend and have all these stupid rules. I've never heard of friendships breaking up because someone didn't pay for the other person.

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    • do you always pay for your friends when you first meet or do you go dutch? if you always pay than we should meet lol :)

    • @dwhttydfan10 no when I go with frienfs we each pay for our own stuff, unless its drinks and in that case everyone buys a round.

  • whoever does the asking should pay, or at least offer.

    that said, antiquated social norms still frown on women who behave "aggressively", meaning those who ask men on dates or show interest.

    i also find it funny how a lot of guys on here complain that "modern women aren't wife material" and then get upset because the women they choose (the housewife type who still believes in old-fashioned gender roles) don't want to pay their own way. bit strange, if you ask me.

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  • I think men are not upset about paying for their first date

    Thats their number one RESPONSIBILITY as a guy

    but Their something that made them feel HARASSED thats why they turn out to be upset

    its because us girls, give too much EXPECTATION OF A GUY, of what we usually value, that we dont ever know, the personality of the guy we are in front to.

    They became upset, as guys feels like, they felt insecurities with their selves, and guess that they haven't met the standard of the woman they are dating with

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    • Why is it the man's responsibility to pay for the date? Please try to answer without being hypocritical or sexist. Go on...

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    • Yes and your responsibility as a woman is to look pretty and not voice an opinion, i mean look how dumb you make yourself look when you do, so stfu.

    • @timesplittersxsxd im not even giving opinion for the man,.

      its for the girls anyway

  • I tend to pay on the first date and anytime after when i go on a date with a man or woman. It's just how I am, and I enjoy it.

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  • i understand that it's a loss if it doesn't lead to what they want and that some women take advantage of that. i would be angry if that happened to me a lot.

    the question is what does the guy want it to lead to? so many seem to push for drinks because they think it'll lead to sex. they find excuses for why they can't go to the zoo, aquarium, ice-skating, or cinema.

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  • Why not only go on dates with a woman you would pay for? I would not go on a date with someone i wouldn't...:/ I have a huge work ethic love making money so i dobnt see why men are so mad. If I could choose any guy i thougt was hot to take out and try to win over i would find it fun. Its hard because a man should like a woman more so its annoying to me. But, biologically men are hunters and cannot take a woman being like this so its hard to for me to learn to chill out, ughhh You get exactly what you want woman can hardly go man shopping lol

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    • so would you pay for the guy on the first date if you had assurance the guy would pay by date 3?

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    • interesting you are rare :) good luck to you

    • @dwhttydfan10 thanks, one guy i thought was that cute wouldn't let me... it seems like the good ones won't lol... but ty np^^

  • I think its a thing of tradition. Men are expected to have the money, so they're expected to pay for the woman. However, I've been in situations where I've offered to pay my share instead of having him do it all because its the first 'date' so I treat it casually, like a hangout.

    Plus, you have cases like online dating for instance, which my friend does. She'll go on dates with guys, realize by the end of the date she doesn't want to see them again, but the guy has already paid for everything. I find that a bit unfair, but hey if the guy is willing and has money, thats up to them

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  • I still think men should pay on the first date.

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  • It's just an old tradition and yes most of us like it. Men have their own expectations for women, it's only fair. If women had lower beauty standards like men, maybe...

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    • Of course you like it you're getting free meals.

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    • Anyway all you really show, is that men are the better of the two genders and it is up to us to correct women.

    • @dontknow12 EXACTLY! Real guys are looking for other attributes other than a pretty face... Real guys actually are suspicious of beautiful women as they tend to take advantage of your average guy. They have been manipulating since they were young to get whatever they want. Plus they are usually vain and boring as they never develop their own personalities. I'm generalizing of course. There are exception to every rule. There a ugly ducklings who don't they've turned into beautiful swans after their awkward teens and early teens. We are all on the look out for these "unicorns."

  • Do any of you men on here get any pride in providing for a woman? If you invited a woman out for a coffee/tea, would you not think it demeaning and disrespectful for a woman not to give you the opportunity or accept your offer to pay gratefully?

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    • Well no because it is not the 1950's and women do have more opportunities in employment and they are earning an income like men. In this day, I would never consider a relationship with a women who never offer to pay half over someone who demands I pay for the entire date regardless of the price. It shows what type of person you are at the end of the day.

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    • "Do any of you men on here get any pride in providing for a woman?"
      Of course. But I'm not gonna provide​ for someone who I can't say for sure isn't going to throw away my number after the date and brag to her friends about the free meal she got out of me.

    • I only feel used when paying for a women, all the guys i know also don't want to pay.

  • then men should pay just as much tiem and money on their physical appearance as women

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    • I think for many men they pay much more than women if we count the gym and supplements

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    • @Krystal821 Are you saying that if you were interested, you'd either pay for both him and yourself, or not pay for the date at all?

      The thing is though, you're generous. Many women out there will not care to pay for themselves, if they don't find their date attractive, unlike you. If a woman is willing to pay for herself, she cares enough about the guy since she'd rather not see him dry. Others, don't care.

    • @Krystal821 Yeah that's a nice view to have. For me i will pay on the first... but after that i would expect her to pay for her own food. On the first date if she didn't offer/made it quite clear that she wasn't going to pay for her stuff no matter what... It would raise a red flag and i may debate seeing her again.
      But I'm not some ego driven guy who would get angry if she wanted to pay for her stuff on the first date (honestly i think girls make this shit up to justify letting men pay).

  • They should be grateful I'm giving them the time of day, much less agreeing to a date. Honestly guys, show you're a man and do what's expected of you.

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    • And what about you? Will you act like a lady?

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    • wow... who hurt you?

    • i am really concerned about your mental here, I was feeling the same way about women recently "women are out to get me or they just want my money" or worse "women will always reject for not being worthy enough..." or even "all women are evil and not worth my time" I felt this way to a few unfortunate events in my life but this does not exclude all women. why do you find men wanting affection to be cucks? and reducing males to sex drive makes them men?

      Since this site has failsafes and I can report you if things get too dicey, wanna talk it out with me? I think we could both stand to benefit. I don't want any affection or sex from you. All you have to do is talk and I will listen. interested? If not then may I suggest the resources from the company called "the school of life"? They are a British company with a website if you want to buy their books (really great stuff) if you don't want to pay, the have a youtube channel discussing a whole variety of topics in little snippets.

  • You are right and wrong. Here's the thing. Guys do most of the chasing, so girls have options. So if you ask a girl out to dinner and she is more "traditional" and you don't pay, she'll just date another guy who would, because she has OPTIONS.

    When you got 8,9 guys asking you out, you can set a higher standard and be more picky because what one guy doesn't do, another one will. Now I have to be clear. I'm not saying its right... I'm saying this is reality, and to say society is changing, well its changing very very slowly because I've never met a guy who wanted to split the bill on the first date.

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    • Guys have options too, are you implying they don't?

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    • Ok but here's the thing though, would you ever split the bill? If not then you're basically like all the girls you described.

    • @dontknow12
      If two people go out on activities. They need to split the bill. That is a moral ethic values thing to do. True love is not using others for self-gain or self-seeking is a sin against God.

What Guys Said 30

  • Thats because women are selfish little self-made whores. who like to pretend they aren't lol.
    Ok seriously... yea.. men are upset about that whole paying thing, cuz its not like men dont want to pay, its just irritating when its expected. Lets not talk about those gold-digging whores that think that putting out after a date is a fucking taboo... but are happy as fuck to go for high-shelf everything if the man is paying, and wonder why the man feels like he has earned "some". And younger men dont get it, i know i didn't when i was like 19-20... spending like 150$ to $300 on a single date, just to never hear from that bitch again...
    I totally agree with you last couple of sentences... compromise and listen to each other... but yea... because that is something women are good at right? listening and compromising lol...
    I just dont give a fuck anymore... I've done something a lot of men should do, and that is to transcend the vagina... because women think as long as they have it, they are constantly right... and stupid ass guys never say anything because they want to fuck it. you should hear the awkward silence i hear when i ask anyone... man or woman... i ask em "take away the pussy, what else does a woman have to offer"... dude... do it and see... cuz the real answer is "not much"...
    lol... fuck that first date... its almost always a bad investment and women dont get it, cuz they never pay for shit.

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  • 1) I was always fine with paying. I asked her out, right?
    It shows I can provide for my woman. Mock if you want, but this model made for more enduring marriages and more stable families.
    2) So, if the woman flakes, you saved a whole lot of emotional investment. A good date doesn't cost all that much. If you're spending $75 on a first date, you're nuts.
    3) I'm more traditional, so the non-traditional women got sorted out early, anyway.

    So glad that dating stage is over.

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  • Excellent. Short and to the point.

    Had you chosen to deep-dive into "why men hate paying for the first date 102," you could also have mentioned that this tradition started during a time when cold-approach was the way women and men met, while today online dating and apps have made it so that the guy has to pay up to $75 just to meet someone in person. He also has to start wooing her before he knows whether he is interested in her. It's backwards.

    Women might argue that they also have to pay more money for clothes and makeup, and spend a lot of time and labor making themselves look nice for men. Again, this is a tradition that started in the days when they didn't have to do this just to meet a guy, or if they did (. e. g. clubbing), there were no guarantees. Now it is all backwards - with dating and online apps, they have to spend the money and do the work just to meet someone in person.

    Yes, ladies, I think we agree that is crazy. So don't -- you're just meeting someone for the first time. Dress the way you would if you were going out in public normally. Trust me, you look great in your jeans with your hair tied back and glasses too.

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  • Agreed. Entitlment is the biggest thing. In the western world, women don't need men to make a living anymore. It's not the 1800s. They have to realize that they can't expect old fashioned gentleman that pays and does everything for her in dates, but demand equality in the same time, because it isn't equal at all.

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  • I'm not upset about paying, I'm upset about the fact they think because I'm a man I have to pay. It's like me telling them they gotta clean and cook, and suck my dick whenever I want, because they're a woman. It's that entitlement that you talked about. It's the hypocrisy of "I'm a modern strong and independent woman... but since I benefit from this, I'm gonna support it, even though it's outdated and sexist"

    I have absolutely no problem paying for the first date... if the girl was fun, put effort into the date, and wasn't an entitled cunt.
    There's girls who spend the whole date on their phones and still expect the guy to pay. Like fuck you, bitch lol I'd tell the waiter to split the check in half. I pay my part, you pay yours.

    Girls seem to forget that just because we asked you if you wanted to go on a date, doesn't mean we actually like you, it just means we have an interest in you, and just like I gotta win you on the date, you gotta win me too. It's a two-way thing.

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    • That's what I was trying to say, the actual paying part isn't the main issue

    • Yeah, and I agree with you. Most guys are more than happy to pay. We do our part, as long as she does her part too.

  • "My suggestion for this phenomenon is to listen to each other and COMPROMISE."
    This!
    A working and healthy relationship cannot exist without that. Obviously some women aren't willing to compromise on the first date, so that is trouble avoided right in the beginning ;)

    This mytake is on the point!

    I'd add to it, that 4. Gender roles. It's sexist, stupid and outdated. It harms both men and women as a whole.

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  • A lot of women abuse this just to get a free dinner. It also gets girl to overvalue their worth on the sexual marketplace. Guys are turning this on its head and will only accept equality.

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  • Simple solution is stick to a low cost / no cost 1st date that does not put pressure on BOTH parties & allows for an easy eject for either party , if thing do not go well. This also allows men to weed out the users & gold diggers. Whoever invites should pay & plan the date.

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  • I will only buy Her a soda and chips or subway for lunch one time only while dating. I only spend money on my woman. Girlfriend and boyfriend are for 2nd graders. I desire a wife. After a week or so you should both know if you want to get married or not.

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    • paying for the pussy

    • @BubbleBoy69: Don't have too. Even if I had too, I still won't pay or kiss butt to get some vagina. Many women want to sleep with me but I reject due to my religion.

  • Naw, bullshit. If a guy can't pitch in for a coffee or a cocktail to talk for an hour he's a putz. You guys can work it out after that if you really like him.

    in my opinion it all depends on financial security. If a guy has a lot of money he sure as hell doesn't care about dropping a few bucks for entertainment. At this point that's all you are, so no big deal. If it's gonna be a regular thing and you want the rest of the package then you gotta pitch in as well.

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  • #2 Is the only reason I dislike it. I can't usually tell if the girl has a serious interest or if she's just messing around by going on a first date with me. I don't want to pay for her if her intention was never to go on a second date to begin with, you know?

    I've never experienced #1.

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  • I'm a traditional man so I'm not at all upset over paying the bill I prefer it.

    If anything were to piss me off about it, it would be a woman's attitude towards it.

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  • Amen brother! The Misandry and hypocrisy is outstanding. You know you have great take when the Pink Anons come out in droves!!!

    Great post!

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  • The fact that they expect/ feel entitled to it is definitely a big part of why it irritates me. It also implies that her time is more valuable and that I need to compensate her for choosing to spend it with me.

    The other factor is that they aren't really consistent in holding that expectation. The same girl who might expect me to pay to take her out has probably sent nudes and or spread her legs for guys who didn't have to spend any money on her. It sends the message that she doesn't perceive me as being as valuable as the other guys she has been with. Like I am not worthy of going on a second date with her unless I spend money on her, meanwhile she allowed other guys to go a lot further than a second date without having to spending a dime. I mean if given a choice I find it A LOT more flattering to be one of the guys who she didn't expect to spend money on her.

    There are a couple other reasons why I dislike that expectation, but what I listed so far are the biggest ones.

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    • On point.👏👏👏👏

    • An average female has tons of men chasing her. And it only gets worse as you move up. If you don't believe me then set up a female account on okcupid and watch how many men come to you like flies.

      If she picks you or accept your offer then she is doing u a favour as she could have picked another guy. So basically her time is more valuable than yours.

  • Basically, I don't mind paying. Of like you I'll fight doomsday for you. But now if you expect me to do stuff for you to "prove" that I like you. Than fuk you

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  • I don't mind paying; we're definitely not going to the Ritz for a first date anyway.

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  • Because some men are unemployed, broke and bitter about it.

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  • I'm so sick of this bullshit. Any man who doesn't pay for dates is a pussy. End of story.

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  • Either split the bill or "I pay this time, you pay next time."

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  • Ah... equality in some areas and special treatment in other ones.

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  • Sometimes if you pay for a date, the girl still doesn't like you back and etc

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  • If the date doesn't go well, pretend you go to the toilet 🚽 and just walk out for leave her to pay👍👍👍👍😂

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  • Im more then happy to pay for the first date, providing the woman sticks to her gender roles, after all if men are expected to stick to their gender roles it is only fair women do as well. Cue the bitter feminist down arrow brigade.

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  • This is exactly why I don't feel bad for women when they get used for sex. Look at all these prostitutes lurking around here in the comment section. Bunch of bitches.

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  • Women want equality, except when it comes to romance or in areas which don't benefit men at all.

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    • Geez, I REALLY wonder why only women decided to downvote this. Struck a nerve huh?

  • You do realise dating is a crutch for men who aren't in the top 20% of men?

    Women care about 3 things:
    1. LOOKS (height and face)
    2. MONEY
    3. SOCIAL STATUS

    The whole point of dating scene was that if you couldn't attract a woman with your looks like say this guy would:

    https://i.imgur.com/JTISSaA.png

    Who would get the pussy with a higher success rate than other men without dropping a cent.

    You would need to go out on dates to show off your provider qualities (money) and indirectly status which she may fish out of you in conversation by asking you what you do for a living or look at the kind of clothes you wear/car.

    Dating is essentially prostitution but covered under romance and for the men not attractive enough this is the game and how it is setup for you. There is an alternative though. You can say FUCK YOU to dating and hamster wheel and just get escorts if all you really want is SEX.

    TRUTH HURTS.

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    • A lot of the women don't realize that they pretty much describe themselves as prostitutes in their posts, yet will disagree with your answer.

    • @amphet11 The upvotes and downvotes in this post tell a nice little story LOL

  • I would pay IF there was gender inequality regarding pay. But the fact that there isn't, women similarly nowadays get paid more than men for the same job with a bias towards them.

    If i pay for a woman on a date, i better be guaranteed sex for it

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  • Women were born to be gold diggers so their entitled behavior to a man's money is nothing surprising. Just another day in the female world.

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  • If only they got a complimentary blowjob then they maybe they might nott be so upset about it :-P, especially if it was a really expensive date at a expensive restaurant or anything really expensive.

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  • That's why I go with simple coffee dates if I have a few extra bucks to spare. Being in university leaves me broke. Since most women expect a man to pay for a first date having no money and dating gets you nowhere. On top of that even having money to take women on dates doesn't necessarily lead to anything past a first date and it gets expensive if you go on a string of first dates or continuing to date one women just to find out one day that she's never had an interest in you.

    It'd actually just be nice if women could pay half on dste or just go on dates that require no money what so ever.

    On top of that flaking is annoying. If you're not interested just say so so I don't waste my time waiting around for you at a place where you'll never show up.

    Dating just gets exhausting

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    • still paying for the pussy.

    • @BubbleBoy69 Still beats a whole dinner date and movie. A buck or two for a coffee with a woman on an occasion isn't too expensive. Plus if she want's to pay for her own coffee even better. You can also spend money hanging out with friends so it doesn't seem bad.

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