My take on why I think I’m Incel

[Anonymous]

I’m 21 years old. I’m from London and I’m an Incel guy. Incel is when someone is involuntarily celibate. My reason for this is because I’ve not had any chance to get close to any girls. #lackofopportunity

I think the main reason as to why I’m like this is because girls simply don’t find me attractive. I’ve never been by a girl face to face that they find me attractive whatsoever which makes me very depressed because everyone tells me that I’ve got this incredible sense of humour and personality but my looks seem to let me down. I’ve tried everything from online dating, approaches, not caring etc and I’ve tried all different kinds of girls styles, personality’s, nationality etc but nothing seems to work. I go to the gym regularly and also study Performing Arts which I love doing so I have to be socialable.

I think that because of me looks girls are immediately turned off and I think until the attitudes of girls change I will remain like this probably forever. #incelstruggles

[amarahorrorstory]

Incel is such a gross term so it's hard for me not to bias now. But, for one, I don't think it's your appearance, I really don't think that's it. I won't like, I can see it with some guys, but I don't think you're one of them. I won't like, a better haircut would probably help.

First off, it's not a girl's fault if she doesn't like, might not be your fault either, but no one has to have a certain attitude to like you. I mean the whole "I've got this incredible sense of humor and personality", okay, project that, don't just say it. How is that true? And can't just from being nice. What makes you so good?

If you're confident you'll have an overall better experience. It's not an overnight thing, but if you want change you have to focus on yourself and not who wants you.

If you have this, my life sucks, I'll always be this way, girls are mean and will never like me. Don't throw a pity party. All it does is way you down.

Maybe it is girls, but you can't blame all of them, which ones are you going after? How are you going after them?

Don't consider yourself an incel. That just screams "I give up, but I'm still hoping deep down and I'm incredibly angry and bitter about it because I just wanna get fucked already, but I will remain cocky while still maintaining no self-esteem." Never a good luck, don't be one of those dudes, you're better than that. Like most of the population is.

[myTake Owner]

Well the thing is I’ve trued approaches, online dating and other stuff like that but nothing ever works. So the only way I can explain it is that most girls find me unattractive. And when your in my shoes and had the experiences like I have you tend to give up after a while because you realise that taking it too heart isn’t worth it and I used to be really confident but after a while I stopped when nothing worked

[amarahorrorstory]

But if your confidence went away it's something you have to maintain your whole life. Just like your hair and physical health. Confidence has to upkeep too, things will damage it but you still have to keep it up if not you end up with low self-esteem. Because again, it may not be coming down to your appearance. If you focus on you and not really other people, you're usually happier. It doesn't happen by itself, you have to want something else.

[myTake Owner]

Well the thing is that after getting my confidence knocked time and time again I’ve built it up quite a bit. But even with confidence it seems like my looks is the thing that is letting me down

[amarahorrorstory]

I don't think that's it

[myTake Owner]

Well in my experience in flirting and stuff when I’ve been confident, dressed well, done my hair basically looked and felt good I’ve always just been knocked by every girl pretty much I’ve tried it on with and I’ve tried it on with all kinds of girls

[ChronicThinker]

I get what you're saying, but I really hate this term. Plain and simply because it isn't true. Technically, anybody can have sex. You can hire a sex worker, lower your standards, etc. Of course, not everyone wants to do that... which means it's a choice. Making the claim that you are involuntarily celibate puts you in a victim position, which you aren't a victim. People are very much allowed to not want to have sex with you. Also, victimizing yourself just takes away your own personal power and puts you in a state of despair.

I have seen people much "uglier" (I put this in quotes because in my opinion, you aren't ugly) than you get into relationships and have sex. Yes, maybe your looks play a small part but you can do things to change that. As well, you have to consider that it could be a character flaw, the types of people you approach, how you approach, etc.

I would also like to point out that online dating is pretty fucking terrible for anyone's self esteem. It's literally shopping for people, and people get it in their heads that they all deserve premiums.

All-in-all, I hate this term. I hate that people literally form groups around it because it often turns toxic and helps nobody.

[xctmnt]

Don't lecture men on this. Just don't. You will never appreciate what it is like to be a straight guy in the dating game. Just the fact that women can make lists for what they want in a partner. Do guys do that? Hell no. They take what they can get. And they hustle damn hard to get it. They build companies, skyscrapers, go to war, whatever it takes to show they are capable and get that woman to mate with them.

So just don't. Just walk away from this one. You will never understand.

[myTake Owner]

@xctmnt thank you 👍

[myTake Owner]

Also I just wanna day that I’m not making myself a victim I’m just stating a fact. Also not anyone can have sex it’s only the really good looking people that girls like not guys like myself. If I’m not ugly then what would you say I am then? Also looks play a huge if not biggest part of dating because that’s what girls really go for in guys is looks which is something I don’t have in my opinion

[whattothink]

@xctmnt I literally know at least 10 guys off the top of my head that have "rules" for the girls they want. In fact once upon a time I was completely in love with this one guy. All he complained about was how no one wanted him. I offered myself up to him several times. You know why he turned me down? I wasn't up to his "standards". So you are wrong about men "taking" what they can get.

[xctmnt]

@whattothink Sure, guys have preferences. But that's different from e. g. making a dating profile that reads like a job add, or just the sheer amount of messages the average woman will receive.

[RichiezLion]

I hear ya friend. I am a guy who does not pay attention to men's looks, but you do not seem to look bad at all. So, please do not judge yourself so harshly since this could give you a complex. There may be something else going on that you do not realize. Perhaps, like me, when you get to chatting with a girl, maybe you give off an aura of anticipation and nervousness since this is that one opportunity you want to grasp. I know the feeling. I do not think I am bad looking with many compliments on my blue eyes and naturally long eyelashes, but I have not had a date for long long time. I had quite a few dates when I was younger when girls approached me, but now they do not approach me. I have shyness that makes it hard for me to get the conversation started. I have never been married at 54 years old, so I can feel your pain. I have not found the key, but I hope this helps you since my heart bleeds for you feeling down on your looks when you really don't know why they are not staying around. I think women are able to pay attention to auras better than we can.

[myTake Owner]

I’ve never actually been on a date ever. I’ve asked a few girls but nothing has ever worked out. All girls go for in guys over here is looks and that’s something I certainly don’t have

[RichiezLion]

It is tough for many guys, especially in your age group today, due to the environment we live in at this time. It is even tough in my age group at this time, and we are getting mostly collateral damage that is more direct to the millennial generation. I feel your pain, and lose many hours worrying about what is happening to women. When I was your age, there were not all these movements attacking relationships and family as it is today. Sure, we had the feminist movement, but it was more about equal pay for equal work,…. etc. Now, third generation feminism is attacking the very foundations of who we are as male and female, marriage, family, and heterosexual relationships. Honestly, third generation feminism is evil. Before all this escalated the past couple of years, people were people with men and women dating like normal and having families. Well, that certainly has changed with marriage in your age group at all-time low. >>>continued next post>>>

[RichiezLion]

Continued from previous>>>As a traditional man with respect to marriage, I see this as a very troubling sign that things are moving in the wrong direction.
With all that being said, it is not actually the women’s fault that this is happening. Some of them are participating in the movements, and many women do have a reason to complain about abuse. Women should be treated with respect since they are wonderful humans that compliment us, and that is why we want them in our lives. We always have to remember that they are people with feelings too, and they are in the middle of this mess too. Unfortunately, some have taken it too far by saying that anything to do with a man is oppression including motherhood, and this is resulting in attacking the underpinnings of our society. Without the underpinnings, we eventually cease as a species as we know it, and we do not want to go where they may take us. >>>continued>>>>

[RichiezLion]

>>>continued from previous >>>So, women can do their part by realizing that we are individuals too, and that we are not all bad. Guys need to stop the hatred of women with blaming them for this predicament.
We can all do something to improve. I am working out to lose weight around my belly, and I battle to try to stay looking as young as I can. I want a woman who takes care of herself too and has pride in the way she looks, and she will expect the same of me as she should. You may not be as ugly as you think, and there is the inner self that is important too. I think if you prove to her that you will be loyal, kind, loving, responsible, having humor helps, then it should help. Looks are really not everything, but it seems that way. Those guys with looks also have developed charisma, and that can take time since I still do not know how it works. With women there is more give than take, and that is the way it has always been. >>>continued>>>

[RichiezLion]

>>>continued >>>Giving unconditionally shows love, and love is key in dealing with relationships. Women are special too because they give birth to our future generations, and I cannot imagine what they go through giving birth as our mothers did.
So, please hang in there, and realize that these are difficult times for much of the country with all this going on. You are young, and things will eventually balance out where we are back to equilibrium with dating getting back on track. I had girlfriends, but it was kept pure. Therefore, I am in the same boat as you with 30 some years past. My elders tell me the same as I tell you since I am very depressed about the situation as well. I am a very romantic guy with no woman to share it with, and I cannot tell you how hard on me that is. It is just that right now there is a lot of blame going around in our society with some very extreme views, and there really needs to be conciliation with moderation back to center. >>>continued>>>

[RichiezLion]

>>>continued>>>Extreme views on both sides create problems! I am not saying that you are the following way, but for the general audience, I also wish that every man would be good to their ladies, so they do not end up thinking all men are bad, and most importantly, so they do not get hurt emotionally or physically. Please look up dating advice on YouTube since I found the info helpful. It is a lot of work, and I hope it pays off. Please remember to be confident. That is what people always tell me. Good luck friend, and I wish you best.

[myTake Owner]

I take care of myself, I go gym and lose weight and have got some muscle since. I'd say I treat girls respectfully and I have my own style and my own way of thinking and like to look different. The only thing I can think off is girls over here (England) all find me hideous

[SaintJonesy]

Bro, you're definitely not unattractive, like honestly you're pretty conventionally attractive. If you want me to be brutally honest, get a better haircut. Not that no women will like your haircut, but playing to probability, it wouldn't hurt to look a little more "cleaned up". The boy-band thing only works for teenagers and rock-stars.

Getting laid is easier than you think really. I don't know how it is in the UK, but here it just takes a bit of finagling to find your niche. Ask out some women who you normally wouldn't be interested in, and you'll approach with more confidence. Just keep asking, and you'll get some practice dating. And just because you start off not being that interested, well... familiarity is actually one of the most attractive qualities you can have.

Relationships are hard, can't give you any advice there as they're all different and I don't know what you're really looking for.

[myTake Owner]

Mate girls over here are horrible. They all go for the same kind of guy and it’s certainly not me

[Benedek38]

As a fellow incel, here is my advice.
Trot into a moderately expensive looking barber shot near you.
Tell the barber/hair dresser to cut you a hairstye he/she thinks looks good for you.
Go to a clothes shop, for example, H&M, CCC, KKK for all I care, the point is, into a clothing shop that looks good.
Approach a cute girl from the customers around. It takes guts, but you have to break a few eggs to make an omelette. Just look out to pick someone who is not totally bonkers.
Tell her that you are not that great at being fashionable - I don't want to be an ass, but your clothes are not something that girls would drop their panties for, at least on these pictures -, and that you are looking for casual clothes that would look good on you. This is a double whammy.
For one, chicks LOVE to play dress-up, so they will probably enjoy it, have a good time, and you might even get a chance to get their contacts.
Secondly, you will have new clothes from a person who has spent her entire life thinking about clothes, so chances are you are probably good.

DISCLAIMER! This WILL cost you money.

It's also important that you do it in this order, because if you do the clothing shop thing with that haircut, they'll think you are "cute", and there is nothing dryer than the pussy of a girl talking to a guy she thinks is just "cute".

After you are done with this, take note of where and what she made you buy. If necessary, get similar clothes.
Also take a photo of your haircut. Print it, go to a cheaper barber, shot it to them. If they fuck it up, switch barbers.

Last but not least, get a good camera from somewhere - borrow one for all I care -, and take proper photos of yourself. If necessary, find a professional photographer.
Get photos, upload them to dating site. Well done, your chance as finding dates just increased by magnitudes. Not kidding.

[myTake Owner]

And I’ve tried all of this...

[Benedek38]

@manni555
Really? Really...
Because then I don't understand what is the issue. You say you hada decent haircut. You say you can talk to girl. You say you are dressed well. You say you have good pictures on your dating profile.
Can you show me those pictures? Just upload it to imgur and link it here. I am sure we can do SOMETHING about it!
by the way if you don't mind me asking, how tall are you?

[myTake Owner]

6 foot

[myTake Owner]

My instagram is manni_dhesi there’s loads of stuff there

[Benedek38]

Okay.
1) You are 6 foot tall. That means you already have pretty good chances with girls. That's a good thing. Use it.
2) You said you change up your haircut. That's true. But for some fucking reason, you can never quite quit that bowl-cut like thing. In almost all of your photos you look like somebody just spilled a bowl of ramen noodles on your head.
This was the best picture I found, but even this is bad.
https://imgur.com/a/2S7BfjQ
Your clothes are fine, I'd say based on your instagram, you dress relatively fashionably.
It's that damn hair.

The thing is, you let it grow waaaay too fucking long.
[continued]

[Benedek38]

You have a relatively round face and prominent jaw. I looked up haircuts for round faces.
i.pinimg.com/.../...284b7f551034248270a6481801.png
stylesatlife.com/.../...Men-with-Round-Faces10.jpg
https://imgur.com/a/QajCovZ
Generally, the idea is the following.
1) cut it short on the sides. Like, milimeters short. It makes your face appear longer, girls like that.
2) Get rid of those bangs. they look stupid, and girls like high foreheads.
I am not pulling this out of my ass. Do it. Try it. It works.

Last but not least.
Get rid of that smile. Your smile says "I will help you with the laundry."
It should say "I know how to make you scream". Stand in front of a mirror. Try it. Find the perfect smile, that looks good for you. Right now you smile... kind of dopey.

You are not a bad looking guy. If you put some effort into it, you're easily a 6.5. If you build a good frame, you'd be a 7/10.

[Benedek38]

That's the other thing. Do you do cardio? Don't do that. Lift wights. It will give you a far better shape.

[myTake Owner]

Thing is I’ve actually tried so many hairstyles and still gotten rejected left right and centre and now I’m just doing what I like so you may not like it maybe girls don’t but girls don’t like anything I do so what’s the point in changing when nothing I do works? And yes I go gym

[Bluemax]

If you feel it's your looks holding you down, perhaps you can do something about it?

I might suggest you try a different hairstyle. Perhaps something shorter, more masculine.

As to chronicthinker's advice, I think she might be onto something that it could be who you are approaching and how you're approaching them.

There is something of resignation in your pics. A sort of passive giving up. I think this might be a factor, too. Perhaps it's time to change that. What do you think?

Also as to chronicthinker's opinion, I don't like quibbling over what is technically a choice. If all one has is a choice between bad and worse, while I suppose that is technically a choice, to me it's not *really* a choice. It certainly isn't a choice to lead to happiness. It is a choice between being sad and being more sad. As to lowering one's standards, it isn't a question of "not everyone wants to do that, " it is a matter of not everyone is *capable* of doing that, since we cannot control who we are or are not attracted to.

@xctmnt
Well, I am a straight guy and I've been in the dating game. Some of what chronicthinker says is spot on, and much of what you said is wrong. I didn't build a company, nor a skyscraper, nor go to war, and so have about 95% of all the men and I know and they have found love and happiness. I would have replied to you under her thread, but she doesn't seem to engage with people who disagree with her and prefers to exist in an echochamber.

[xctmnt]

Of course not. But you probably still worked on raising your social status. Some guys can pull off dating when homeless, but it's not a lot of guys, right? Women primarily compete on looks, men primarily compete on social status. That is why pop stars literally have groupies lining up outside their hotel rooms. That is why Genghis Khan had so many descendants (well, that, and rape).

[myTake Owner]

I did use to style it but I stopped after a while

[Bluemax]

That might have been a mistake.

[myTake Owner]

Tbh I had loads of different styles I tried but when I saw it wasn’t working I just gave up and went back to what I like

[NineBreaker]

You are an incel because you took on the mantle of incel. Sure, looks may be important when looking for a date, but your character is even more important. One of the most important traits is confidence (not arrogance; but confidence). Being confident doesn't mean that you won't feel nervous when approaching a girl, but it means that you have the resolve to step up in spite of being apprehensive.

Second, know that it's normal to be rejected. From what I personally observed, women tend to be more selective than men about who they date, and that's alright! It's just the way of the world. Focus on making yourself better, change your attitude, and you will eventually find a significant other.

[myTake Owner]

Nah mate. It’s completely different over here for guys. See it’s all about looks in England girls don’t go for personalities

[NineBreaker]

I hate to break it to ya: It's not that different anywhere else. I'm not saying that everywhere things are the same, but there are certain trends and patterns that you can discern. The reality is that you're better off being single than hitched to an excessively shallow and superficial woman. If the women in England are as awful as you claim, try moving somewhere else. There are many anglophone countries in the world. Move there and do something constructive.

Second, I don't know if you noticed that a lot of women are attracted to to men who are not supermodels. Women focus more on character and status. I'm not saying that looks don't factor at all. They are important, but they are not the only thing, and they are not the most important thing.

My point is: You want a girlfriend? Make yourself more attractive. Become a high-paid professional; hit the gym hard; and go out in the world and attempt to become the Most Interesting Man in the World. If you still don't get laid, then I don't know.

[NineBreaker]

Let me put it in another way:
Who would be considered to be more attractive? A guy who volunteers at an animal shelter rescuing lost puppies and kittens stuck in trees, or a guy who is addicted to playing Pokemon Go, all day, every day?

I'm not saying there's anything particularly wrong with playing Pokemon Go. I'm just saying your character weighs more than you think.

I have observed this first-hand: Having a self-defeatist attitude is a huge turnoff for a lot of women. Just look at the responses by a lot of the women here: They think you AT LEAST look alright, so your looks aren't the problem. It's your attitude bro. BUCK UP BUCKAROO!

[BrittBratt2416]

Boy, stop, time out okay. First off you are not an incel, you're a cute dude okay however I would just try to fix up the hair a bit and get a new style. That is the only thing I would change otherwise, you're a cute guy. Just keep trying, give it some time and I'm sure you'll eventually catch a girl.

[myTake Owner]

I have tried different things with my hair but nothings actually worked. It’s actually funny that most of the girls that have found me to be cute have all be from America. I’m convinced that every girl over here in England thinks I’m unattractive

[BrittBratt2416]

Well so m e Americans they think non Americans are attractive.

[Benedek38]

@BrittBratt2416
"you are not an incel, you're a cute dude"
You are contributing to the stereotype that incels are horrible cave dweller Gollam-like creatures who cuss at women from the distance. They are not. They are unfortunate dudes, like he is. Or like myself. Guys who simply didn't have many opportunities, and aren't as attractive.
It is estimated that historically about 30% of male humans have passed their genes and had children. That roughly correlated to the amount of virgins or quasi-virgins - that is, guys who might not be virgins, but don't have a healthy sex life. Think about that.

I agree, his hair is horrible, but he looks alright otherwise.

@manni555
If you don't mind me asking, how tall are you? That's a big one for girls. Also, do you work anything, or are you a student?

[myTake Owner]

@Benedek38 I’m 6 foot and I work part time and I study drama

[candycanehearts]

I think it's partly ur looks but also expecting 'until the attitude of girls' to change is kinda a sucky way to look at it, but if you're so sure it's looks, then honestly you could probably make yourself look better if you tried better- lots of girls are ugly, but they put on makeup and they look gorgeous.

[myTake Owner]

Well I do try but nothing works

[Anonymous]

NO. We have told you Time and time again that you’re attractive and the only thing holding you back is the haircut. That’s it. Just cut your bangs. And you know what you said? “No. I don’t wanna change my hair. I’ll fix anything else but the one thing that is holding me back”. For this you are VOLCEL

[myTake Owner]

Well actually I have cut it. I’ve also styled it in different ways but nothing really I like

[Opinion Owner]

This is a hairstyle that will go really well with your face.
domfreechep.us/.../...at-2009-mtv-movie-awards.jpg

You might not like it but it will work for you. Try approaching girls for a few months with this style and see what happens

[myTake Owner]

That’s quite funny because I’ve actually tried that hair already.

[Opinion Owner]

How long did you keep it? Were you still approaching girls regularly?

[myTake Owner]

Yeah and I had it for like 2 months

[VOLcel]

I did a semi-related take on this
Looks Aren't Everything... But They're Pretty Close ↗
I gotta say although you may be justified despair is a very unattractive trait.

[myTake Owner]

It’s all I feel able this issue tbh I’ve tried being optimistic bur atm I’m struggling to see why I should be so optimistic when I get rejected by every girl I seem to look at

[BiggestBoss]

You are definitely not an Incel. You look good but your styling is behind fashion thats why you can't get laid.
1) Go get a modern haircut.
2) Grow a beard or a stubble.
3) Wear some nice clothes.
4) Work on your LMS and don't be that stupid-friendly to girls.

Reply when you do that and get wemen!!

[Anonymous]

i mean you look alright? i seriously dont think every girl you run into will find you unattractive. the only thing is your haircut but thats it. you are average looking and guess what? many people are average looking its why its called average.

[myTake Owner]

I used to style it but I stopped

[Agooelephant]

Fix hair; lift weights; eat healthy; practice game. Things like these take time.
You're not deformed so the only thing making you an incel is a lack of trying to get better.

[myTake Owner]

That’s everything I’m actually doing

[Agooelephant]

Then you just need to keep at it. Most incels are quitters who blame everyone but themselves for their lack of success. Keep with it and you'll be alright.

[myTake Owner]

Mate I get where you’re coming from but it does seem like it’s just my looks that are letting me down a huge bit

[Agooelephant]

Dude you've got like 18% boyfriend or smth - cut your hair and get jacked then get back to me (It's what I did)

[myTake Owner]

I’ve got 18% what?

[Agooelephant]

Bodyfat. Unless you've got really bad body composition you've definitely got some fat around the jaw you could lose.

[Anonymous]

lol boi cut that hair! you need to stop thinking about girls and start focusing on getting money. then the girls around you will see that you're focused and have a goal. I'm not saying girls only want money but they want a dude who is focused on something other than them. really cut that hair and stop focusing on girls.

[myTake Owner]

That’s what I’m doing but nothings working

[Billlewis]

I recommend that you simply focus all your efforts on pleasing a woman and her boyfriends. Don't worry about getting any pussy right away, just beg her to let you service her orally.

[mynesterion]

You're a good looking dude. Just need some confidence and a new haircut. Rockin that whole Paul McCartney look. Try something from the 21st century.

[pooper89]

It's not your looks. It's something else. Figure it out.

[myTake Owner]

That’s what I’m trying to do

[englisc]

I think it's probably because you look and act effeminate.

[DeVille_]

You're not unattractive. I would avoid the term 'incel' because a lot of them are extremely misogynistic and think women are objects

[Anonymous]

We become what we label ourselves as because it slips into your subconscious.

[NoToriousROB]

Cut your hair. Work out. Get a job to improve your finances.

[Skinny_Guy]

You are not incel, you are volcel. If you lost your fat you could look fine.

[BonnieBunny]

Feel the same way. I'm hideous

[myTake Owner]

You’re probably okay