"Friends with benefits" only benefits the man

[meenarai]

It's sad to me that hookup culture and friends with benefits is so common with young people my age.

It's even more sad that women actually think this is empowering.

There's nothing empowering about "friends with benefits".

SAY NO TO FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Women. Get some damn self respect.

You are worth more than being used to satisfy his sexual cravings.

He doesn't respect you. He sees you as loose and as public property.

He will use you for sex until he finds a girlfriend whom he actually cares about.

He doesn't give a shit about you.

You're just a piece of ass to him.

We are women. For us, sex is a beautiful meaningful experience.

Stop lying to yourselves that you can have sex without feelings just like guys.

No quality man will ever take you seriously afterwards, much less marry you.

The thing is, guys don't have this problem. Women would willingly marry him but men won't marry you if you have friends with benefits.

[shellyp]

Sigh... This is just disappointing to read. I thought this would be an interesting look at the dynamics for men and women, and not just someone calling women stupid whores and men insensitive sex fiends.

Sex is not some beautiful meaningful experience, it's awkward at times, weird at first, a hot and sweaty exercise, but most importantly it should be fun. Sex should be enjoyable for the people involved in it, it's not some perfect movie scene with dim lights and a love song playing in the background as two people finally become one connected force under the moonlight. It's just another form of intimacy two people decide to share with one another. That's not to say sex is never meaningful, it just means that sex doesn't always have to be meaningful. It's not a default setting that automatically comes with the activity.

Women's vaginas are not some beautiful prize to be earned nor is it a tool that we hold over men to 'get them to marry us'. That mindset IS what regulates us to just being a tool and just being a piece of ass, like you so eloquently put it. Our vaginas are just an organ on our body that has a purpose just like our breast, just like our eyes, just like our hands. It is not some holy relic to be given or taken by anyone.

Do not look down on women who just want to have sex because they felt horny and wanted to be satisfied by a man. Don't look down on men who want the same thing, don't just decide he's an emotionless piece shit who is only using women. You can't just throw out one blanket statement over everyone and expect it to be true. That's not fair.

If two consenting adults decide they want to use each other to satisfy their needs casually but habitually, then who the hell are we to judge them and say that they are wrong or just assume that it's not meaningful to them.

If someone wants to wait until marriage, that's great it's not our place to assume or judge them either.
If someone has only had sex with people they were dating, then that's great it's still not our place to judge or assume.
If someone wants to never have sex, or another person could never be a friend with benefits, or someone else has a polyamorous relationship, it's not our place to insert our opinions.

Stop trying to police what people do in their bedrooms and with who they do it with, it's none of your business unless you're personally there or affected by it.
Just continue to go do you and don't worry about others. Find someone to have meaningful sex with and just be happy and content with that. Don't try to force others to follow your own personal ideology, by shaming them into compliance.

But hey, what would I know, I can't speak on the behalf of anyone else; but that's just what I think.

[Mon_160909]

This!!! I don’t don’t friends with benefits because right now I’m looking for something serious, however I don’t judge anyone that wants to have casual sex. Live and let other people live.

[Ellie-V]

Would you mind sharing your opinion on a take I wrote about this same topic?

Friends With Bennies: The Ins And Outs Of A Successful FBW Relationship ☺️ ↗

[Thatsamazing]

Well-said.

[Britantic]

This is a good mytake. Women and men are not the same. If a guy is in a friends with benefits relationship with you it means he thinks you are not good enough to be with in a relationship with him.
I've seen so many women get hurt in friends with benefits relationships, it's not the men's fault because they were completely honest from the start.

[meenarai]

Thank you!

[TaylorCEE3]

I agree.

[UnicornLobotomy]

I was on the other end of this equation, an independent yet kind woman pretty much used me for sex and company, I had no idea until a month later. It started to taint the relationship, especially for me. Women who do this think most men wouldn't care, it just isn't the case, those men are probably pretty low status or borderline psychopaths if they aren't low status.

[hellionthesagereborn]

Why is it that when men do this they are the bad guy yet when women do this its not them being bad, its them being victims. The women in these situations made the choice with full knowledge of the consequences (and honestly the man is usually far more upfront about his intentions then the woman is). I'm not disagreeing with what you are saying, at least as far as the man's intentions are concerned, I am disagreeing with your view that he is being a piece of shit for being open and honest about what he wants from their exchange. Lots of women try to leverage this situation to try and get into a relationship with a man who has already flat out told them he does not wan that. At that point she is the one being manipulative and "bad" not him. In short yes its a bad situation for the woman, but its one she actively chose. As for women marrying a man who sleeps around, well isn't that women's fault for not having that as a standard?

[Thatsamazing]

Well-said.

[hellionthesagereborn]

@Thatsamazing Thank you.

[stunner180]

Good thing posted as a reply @thatsamazing.. Its really superb..

[ImHere4You]

I don’t know what world you’re living in but friends with benefits doesn’t only help the man. He doesn’t say, come have sex with me so I can get some action. The woman wants it and enjoys it too. If she didn’t that’s rape. Why put all the blame on us and act like we’re bad people for doing it?

I think FWB’s is a bad thing. Not because it’s hurting women and guys are just having fun. Often times one side catches feelings, even the men. But the other side is in it for only casual sex and finds someone new. The person with the feelings might be heartbroken just like a regular breakup. You need to come back into reality, not your own fantasy world.

[UnicornLobotomy]

Wait, lol if the woman doesn't enjoy sex its rape? lol, lofl

[UnicornLobotomy]

This is Bull Shit, friends with benefits can screw a guy up to. It might mean you, as a man, are just a chadlike piece of meat used for company and fun, suddenly you realize what she is doing and it breaks your heart, a cute successful woman who you would've never guessed was like that because she had it together suddenly gives you clues and all but says what you and the "relationship" really was to her. She flips the script on how fast y'all started sleeping with each other... suddenly you realize how impossible it is to find a woman that isn't like your vindictive ex-wife in at least one or more ways. I talked about this with a lot of guys and they are so immature, most of them think they would like an attractive woman with her own money use them for sex and company, but what happens when she moves or gets tired of you, finds her a wealthy man, etc? What if you guys get pregnant? What if you catch feelings? There is so much drama that can happen, it sucks as guy on the "used" end of this type of relationship, especially if the woman is not honest in the beginning.

[MissKittyz]

This is such a joke. I actually had a friends with benefits because I wanted sex and I had needs. Not because I wanted to satisfy his needs.

Sex is only a beautiful meaningful experience when you are in a relationship. When you are single and horny af, all you want is to have someone fuck you.

With my friends with benefits, I actually left his ass cause I met someone and we started dating. So was actually the opposite of what you are saying. We've been dating for a year and a half and we are planning on getting married and having beautiful kids someday. So ya, keep being close-minded and shaming women for enjoying sex. Won't change anything. Girls will keep having sex for fun if they want to.

[bamesjond0069]

Well you lucked out. A large portion of men will not marry a woman who does the fwbs thing. Good for you but many women who live this lifestyle are unable to find a husband when they want one. Thats where the joke the "cat lady" comes from. Girl sleeps around. Then she decides she wants a husband and no man is interested so she just gets cats lol

[maya89]

@MissKittyz I absolutely agree. There’s a difference of intimacy between the physical and emotional connections that are there when you are with someone you truly care about and want to be with vs. when you may have hooked up with a friend in order to fulfill a basic human need until you find the right person. I think it’s kind of disgusting that so many guys on here are saying that they wouldn’t date a girl just based on if she’s had a casual hookup/how many partners she’s had.

[Ellie-V]

My fbw relationship went just fine, thank you very much 😋

Friends With Bennies: The Ins And Outs Of A Successful FBW Relationship ☺️ ↗

I didn’t do it for empowerment.
I love myself enough to not place the entirety of my value in the number of who I have sex with, how many ever times.

I didn’t do it for respect because I already respect myself. It’s lazy to expect someone else to do it for you just because you have them sex. That’s foolish.
I didn’t do it to gain a boyfriend.

And I certainly didn’t do it because of a “lie”.
I wanted sex, so I got it. End of story.

[dontknow12]

That's pretty interesting. Would you do it again?

[Ellie-V]

No, i don’t think so.

[dontknow12]

Oh, you're not into that kind of stuff anymore?

[Ellie-V]

What is “that kind of stuff”

[dontknow12]

Having another friends with benefits relationship.

[Ellie-V]

I don’t care to have another one but I don’t know the future

[dontknow12]

It's nice that your open about it. A lot of women think it makes them look slutty and frown about it.

[Ellie-V]

I’m aware of what most people think. I don’t ignore the reality. But I’ve just mastered the art of being unbothered. If you don’t pay my bills, put clothes on my back, or wipe my ass, your opinion doesn’t matter.

[dontknow12]

I might be one of the few people who admire that, because I try not to care what others think if I know it would receive negative feedback. I think it's a useful skill to have.

[Ellie-V]

Thank you

[dontknow12]

You're welcome.

[ChurchOfIron]

50% of college students said they were in a friends with benefits situation hoping for 'something more'.

I feel like your post is really negative towards males. "All they want is sex." Yeah, sometimes. But I feel like that's comparable to saying "NEVER MARRY WOMEN GUYS; THEY ONLY WANT YOUR BANK ACCOUNT." Is that true, too?

I've had friends with benefits before. I made sure to balance intimacy with sex, each time. I also made sure that we both understood the guidelines of the relationship and that there were no hurt feelings afterwards. It's worked out both for me and the women I've slept with.

[Thatsamazing]

Dude stop making sense, she's clearly an idiot.

[brennanhuff]

Why does it make much a difference though? A woman is just as likely to get hurt in relationship or not respected as a friends with benefits. A guy can have you as a girlfriend but still not want you long term. so you’re exclusive because it’s a relationship. Guess what? He can be in a relationship with a girl for a month or two and knowing he’s not going to be with her past that. So breaks up then gets another girlfriend then continues the cycle for short term relationships ensuring continual stat padding a man may want so he can be ready to settle down

[Mon_160909]

I know that for some women it is fine and I will not judge them for that. However I do agree, is impossible for me not to get feelings and I feel like we should be with someone that wants to be in a relationship with us and not only have the benefits of one without being commitment. That’s why I don’t do friends with benefits. If I’m dating a guy I prefer to ask him from the beginning what he wants, that saves me a lot of time and I would not invest feelings on a men that doesn’t take me seriously.

[Boppy]

From what I've seen in college, friends with benefits often results in one partner "catching feels" that the other partner doesn't share.

I don't know if it's more common with men or women, but I think it's not wise to become friends with benefits unless very good communication is kept up.

[Galian84]

I agree with this... to a certain extent. I could personally never do a friends with benefits arrangement, and neither could a lot of my female friends (or even some male friends, for that matter). I had thought about doing it, but couldn't bring myself to go through with it. I've only had sex in committed relationships and I prefer it to stay that way.

But I know some other female friends who have had friends with benefits arrangements in the past, and sometimes, it would be the guy falling for them when they had no feelings for him. So, it can work. Key is to make sure the two people are on the same page. But if you're of either gender and looking for a relationship, I'd advise against going the friends with benefits route and hoping they will fall for you or commit to you (happens, but rare).

[JackSmy]

I agree, almost completely with everything you said, and most guys just use the 'Friends with Benefits' thing, to their advantage!!
What about those few times, when you both feel something, mutually, and maybe are unsure, but just sometimes like to get together, just because you understand each other, and it's just good?
No expectations, and she actually suggested it!!
What's wrong with being together, when both are accepting and understanding, and just not wanting to be alone on holidays, when far from home?

[Katebfun]

It depends where both parties are at and if there is a mutual understanding. In my 20s yea I got hurt cause I was naive. Now in my 30s I did it once and quickly ended it cause I started to get feelings, and this guy was not boyfriend material at the time. Women have urges just like men, unfortunately we have more to lose so we suffer n have to wait. It sucks really. No one said life was fair. I wouldn't do it nowadays cause hormones have a way of tricking your mind that you have feelings when logically this is not someone you want long term. Wait it out, hold out for a good man.

[bamesjond0069]

This is why it hurts women. Yes women have urges. Most men prefer a woman who can control those urges not one who can't. So in the long run you shoot yourself in the foot by scaring away serious men.

[Katebfun]

@bamesjond0069
Sex is awesome and when you like someone for some it can be challenging to have stong self control like that. Serious men, haha I have yet to meet one! they ALL want sex initially and test you to see if they can if not on to the next they go.

[bamesjond0069]

And those are not serious men. You shouldn't be afraid to let guys who want to pump and dump you get disappointed and leave.

[Anonymous]

Thank you!! I don't know who told women that it's "empowering" to have meaningless sex, casual sex, etc. - though I suspect it was a guy - but it's not the case.

Empowering yourself means saying no to his seduction (and no to alcohol - which often leads to sex). That takes strength. And guys usually respect women more who say no. Those are the women that guys want to marry/be in a long-term relationship with.
For too long, women felt that if they give everything to a guy, he'll want to be with her. It turned out to be completely the opposite case. Oh, the guy will pay attention to her, call her up when he's in the mood, compliment her, etc. - until "something better comes along". Then he ghosts her, until he can't get anyone else. He just uses her. Who wants that?

[Finchie40]

All friends with benefits is is 2 people. getting off on each other while keeping options open to fuck someone else , usually when the 1 partner does fuck someone else the other will get hurt and upset that they found someone else before. they did or they Will be jealous. Friends with benefits is just a way to. get. off on someone without pressurimg them to be in a relationship

[Anonymous]

I agree. I, myself, am not into hooking up at all. It’s not for me. I can only have sex with someone I love and someone who I know respects me.
I hooked up once and it was a disaster and not satisfying at all.
Like I just don’t enjoy sleeping with someone knowing their only using me.

I’m too in love with love. Sex is part of love.

I get judged pretty badly nowadays because of what I prefer.

Most guys see me as a beautiful girl who they wanna hook up with or have a friends with benefits with. Not my thing.

I miss out on a lot being like this. A lot of guys only want a hook up.

[dianagirl]

The things you miss out on are getting your heart broken, being used (and often abused), taken for granted, drama in your life, etc. You're not missing out on anything, hon.

[TadCurious]

I've never liked the meme that when 2 people have consensual sex that one of them (and it's always framed as the guy) is "using" the other for sex in a way that is somehow unfair. If the sex is consensual then you could say the girl is using the guy for sex, especially in the FWBs context. And that's even more true if you accept (as I do) that women have agency in their lives.

[HomoFuge]

Just because you see sex as a 'beautiful meaningful experience' it doesn't mean all women see it as that. I see sex as a base animal desire that we need to satisfy in the same way we need food to curb our hunger. Sex is not special. That's a emotional human concept we have designed to fool ourselves into thinking somehow we are more than animals.

[cavmanier]

Sex isn't a need in the sense that people can live their whole lives as virgins. It's more like a psychological "need" in a non-literal sense. If sex isn't special though, why do well fall in love? If you want to break sex down to our animal rudimentary world, love and jealousy are signs that humans pair bond. It's not natural for pair bonding animals to have casual sex.

If we really are pair bonding species, it would be unnatural for you to have casual sex. Your biology is instinctively telling you to pick a healthy guy that will be loyal and a good father because in a natural world, you'd have a kid and instinctively want to care for it. What is unnatural is being on birth control and being pump and dumped by different guys every week.

For girls having casual sex, you're probably "naturally" experiencing the fantasy high thoughts and moments of being with these attractive guys sexually, but you're only experiencing the very tip of what pleasure is possible because the fantasy stops after moments of sex.

[Luvsmybabydoll]

It doesn’t only benefit the man if the girl moves on first?
But I agree with your base statement that PEOPLE need to learn to respect their bodies and their emotions because youth can fool you into thinking that you are invincible and immune to being hurt. But I think you are learning otherwise💔❤️

[FýrdracaDócincel]

Didn't even read.

Why can't you women just let yourselves enjoy the sex? Why are you always throwing yourselves into obviously casual encounters and then getting pissed when the guy doesn't fall for you immediately because there's "just something special about you?"

[Pwere]

The logic here is wrong but I agree with the message. If the woman is participating in friends with benefits she is seeing the man the same way. To be honest if i was asked to be friends with benefits I don't think I could remain friends with her. Its either we date or you give me a hard rejection and preserve the friendship.

friends with benefits is just another term for
addicted to feeling heartbroken

[Screenwriter]

I feel like friends with benefits does mean you're Mr. or Ms. "right now." You're not worth dating or exploring. Sex is fine. But you don't meet people's friends or family or anything. This might work for either person. A sort of limited partnership. A business connection. But when the "real" thing comes along, one of the partners opts out. Maybe everyone can go into it with eyes wide open and come out the other side. I'm not sure that's the regular outcome, though or that it's happy.

[little_bird1]

I partly agree, but not because I care what others will think of me or what HE thinks of me, but because sex as JUST SEX does me no satisfaction. If I'm horny I'll masturbate and probably have more fun & pleasure doing that then doing it with some random dude. But I do get pleasure from kisses, cuddling, being held and touched and wanted, even for just one night - without catching feelings. I can do that, and yes I only hookup for that reason, not because of sex.

[Browneye57]

Bravo - you get it!!!
I say, if you're gonna just give it away, consider charging for it. For whores get more respect in western culture than sluts do. At least they're the one in control of the exchange.
And it's been pretty well established that women will do ANYTHING for enough money or compensation, so it's just a matter of negotiating what that is.

Women are the keepers of sex.
Men are the keepers of commitment.
Don't be giving up yours 'till you have at least a little of his.