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Promises are just Words: Dating a Bum

This last winter, I started dating a raft guide who works in Alaska in the summer. I was really infatuated with the fact that he had a badass job in Alaska. He had come home to the Pacific Northwest for the winter. His situation was complicated to say the least, he was technically crashing in his grandparent's basement and other friend's places. He had a car in storage but was either too broke or too lazy to get it fixed (I'm not sure which).

When we started dating, we had some really amazing times together. He's a fun, spontaneous guy who helped me open up a little bit. We were physically and emotional compatible. He told me that he was looking for winter work so that he could have some money to take back to Alaska the following year and have some so we could go out and do things together. We dated for two months and although its not a long time, I noticed a lot of red flags that I chose to ignore. I'll admit, a lot of this was my fault because enabled this behavior.

After about a month of dating, I noticed that a lot of the pressure and work was put onto my shoulders. I had to pay for everything we did, do ALL of the driving, pay for ALL of the gas (we went to a couple road trips), and pay for every hotel, and all of our food. He told me over and over that he was going to pay me back and even told me to hold onto the receipts. Keep in mind that it did not start out like this. We split costs evenly except I did all of the driving and I was fine with that. Things got harder when I saw his lazy behavior and realized that his promises were just words. I openly trusted him in the beginning because I really liked him, but after a while, I started to become more resentful and angry that I was basically becoming his mother while he smoked weed and did whatever he wanted while I worked full time.

Promises are just Words: Dating a Bum

I asked him about his job hunt every couple of weeks and the answer was always the same, "not yet." Eventually, I told him that I wasn't ok with him living off of me while I worked all day long. He told me that he didn't want to work for someone he didn't respect which I translated to "I don't feel like putting effort into finding a job." I really don't know if he was actually looking for work either since we didn't spend every second together. DISCLAIMER: I don't mind if someone wants to be a bum, but do it on your own dime.

On Valentine's Day, I was going to meet him for a special day. My car wouldn't start (dead battery), and I couldn't get to him. All he said was "sorry to hear about that." No effort to come to me. That was the day I snapped. A couple days later, I told him it was over. I couldn't be his mother anymore. After we broke up, he told me that he still wanted to pay me back for everything. I told him the amount he owed me (since we agreed to split costs) and then I never heard from him again since he went back to Alaska shortly after that.

I'm sure you're wondering "girl, why would you date a bum like that." And my retort is that he is a genuinely nice person and we had some great times together. I don't think he meant to make me feel this way but he also didn't try to complete the promises he made me either. What I learned was that he is used to mooching off of people who care about him and unfortunately, I fell for it too. I really did care about him but I also learned in this process that he was not a man, he was still a boy in many ways. A boy who expected me to take care of him.

Again, I will reiterate that I am at fault for enabling him to be a bum. I claim full responsibility for dating someone despite the red flags but this is a lesson we all have to learn the hard way sometimes.

Promises are just Words: Dating a Bum
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Most Helpful Guys

  • Celtero

    Financial roles swap, woman can't handle it.

    Dunno what you were expecting with a guy like this. His prime directive is to enjoy his own life and who gives a fuck about anyone else?

    Activity guides are always very charismatic, I'm sure he gets a seasonal girlfriend every winter when he comes back home and makes sure they're gone by the time he goes back to Alaska.

    Is this still revelant?
    • I will reiterate, it wasn’t the money part that pissed me off, it was the laziness.

    • Celtero

      Yeah... but I think if it didn't matter you wouldn't mention it. You swap the genders and it's normal for the guy to bankroll dates.

      Regardless that wasn't really the heart of what I was trying to say. People who travel seasonally are really only fling material.

      He's not a bum, you just got played.

  • TITAN-IDC

    Id say its a boundaries issue. I pay then you pay nextime You dont pay you dont get. Forgive the debt for yourself. Then say you pay for now on or you dont get? Maybe next time only pay full and expect repay. Or Dont go if it isn't half paid for.

    Is this still revelant?
    • TITAN-IDC

      Ops typo, if you pay in full but dont expect or except repay or promises for your own peace.

    • Yeah I see what you’re saying. I went out with him because I really liked him. I felt forced to pay for everything because he didn’t have a dime to his name and I am a naturally generous person., I need to create boundaries.

    • TITAN-IDC

      Its all about self talk. Healthy self talk healthy end results. I mightt of realized what feeling forced would end up as in a relationship. Then ttold myself. I have tto except paying for all so it doesn't ruin things? Something to that effect.. If you like him. Figure out your boundaries.. Forgive debt. Let it all go for your own healing.. Decide if you want to be a pay to play so you dont feel burned.. Girl? Good luck.. 👍

Most Helpful Girl

  • The pressure and hard work... yes. Sometimes we choose to ignore certain things because we want love or because we find someone who makes us feel different than anything we've felt before.

    Is this still revelant?

What Girls & Guys Said

211
  • megaman242

    I don't date at the moment. A reason for it is that I don't have a job, finding a job here is hard because there is not lot of people that lives here. There is the difference between someone like him and someone like me. I don't want to spend time with someone that want to do all sorts of things I can't afford at the moment. Down the line I will find a job and then I will date again. No money no game.

    • Exactly, and that goes for both genders in this day and age. If you’re broke, you’re putting all the pressure on the other person to basically baby you. Dating is between two responsible adults... or should be.

    • In Norway the men don't pay for the date, it's you pay for what you eat. We never expect the date to pay for it all.

    • I like that, and no weird feelings between anyone.

  • PrudentGuy

    Hey, if you think it's time to move on, then let it go and move on! Consider those money as lost. Don't pursue anymore. Seek a better guy and start again. This time, trust your feelings (the ones that tell you "red flag").

  • Screenwriter

    I've certainly known someone who made promises. Not a bum. But in the promise area, he made some he never kept. I kept forgiving him too. It never works out. It's a painful lesson to learn. Bless you.

  • Massageman

    Thank you for your personal insights. Sorry to hear about these events in your life. May your next guy be a caring, dependable individual.

  • TheDonDada

    Eurgh you dated a leech. I could never sponge off someone else like that that would make me feel like a bum.

  • I think things would have been OK if he had been employed abd could cover his half of the expenses.

  • DannRadd

    It is nice to hear someone learning from their experiences as a oppose to expecting pity for them.

  • Uncut

    You could write a book on this and send some of the proceeds his way. Lmao.

  • NerdInDenial

    What lessons have you learned for the next guy?

    • To not date someone unless he is already at my own level of hard working and self sufficient

    • He doesn't have to be hard working; he just needs to be making money, preferably more money than you.

    • No... that is not correct.

    • Show All
  • pooper89

    You let him get away with that for far too long

  • Lilc0420

    Hope you have better luck

  • SuccessfulHornDog

    At least you didn't get pregnant by him or married

  • Anonymous

    You are just a typical hypergamous female it’s just how you are. Love is not enough for women which is why I don’t think women love men in the first place. Women love what men do for them. Men on the other hand will date a bum girl if he likes her or a girl the street because guys want to take care of her now that’s love. It’s no secret all women are gold diggers it’s well known so not sure what point you are trying to make

    • I am not a gold digger. I’m joining the Peace Corps for crying out loud. The point wasn’t the money, it was his laziness that sent me over the edge. You can’t put all women in one category like that.

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